To think that divorced dads probably see more of their kids than workaholics?

[PenelopeChipShop]

This has been slowly dawning on me over the last year or so just through what I hear from other mums. I'm at home with our 2-year-old. DH is a partner in his business and works very long hours. It's not unusual for him not to see DS from Monday morning to Saturday morning. Then at the weekend, as he is so used to me doing everything, DS still comes to me for everything, whereas he'll see DH sitting on the sofa and just not bother him! So they don't really have much quality time together. I'm starting to worry a bit that this will affect their relationship. DS even pushes DH away or hits him if he tries to help him instead of me.

Met a mum last week who was saying what she'd done with her weekend to herself as her ex had their little one from saturday morning til sunday night - my other half has never once had sole care for that long. Is that unusual do you think?

I think this may be a bit of a dangerous mode of thinking but honestly, work seems to trump everything in some people's priorities. I really think unless DH could be home in the week SOMETIMES (even one day?) DS is not going to adjust to him and, quite importantly, not see him as an equal parent. At weekends, he does play with him a bit, but really tends to leave everything to me unless I prod - 'can you get him dressed? Shall I drop you both at the park while I do jobs/shop/clean? Look, DS is showing you something [while he's engrossed in TV/ipad]. Do you want to do the bath tonight?'

When I've pointed this out before I get told I am a 'perfectionist' and he doesn't have the same standards. I am really grappling with whether or not I'm asking too much.

In my case, this has proven to be true. However it doesn't always happen.

My Ex was in a manual trade, so very exhausted by the time he came home at 6pm (having started at 5am) and just wanted to eat and to sleep. Weekends were spent sleeping or relaxing/seeing his friends.

I resented him for this, resented him for leaving me to deal with our two children as a SAHM. Though tbh now in hindsight (and as a FT worker), I appreciate how exhausted he really must have been. It wasn't why we split though so I'm still glad we aren't together.

He now doesn't have a job (back issues) but is looking, has a new partner and a baby on the way. I'm happy about all of this actually. He has our children 1-2 nights a week or alternates weekends to suit my schedule, he picks them up or has them for dinner when I need him to. He's very flexible and spends miles more time with them than he ever did when we were together. His OH is lovely too and helps him take care of them, which I think makes his time with them easier from a practical perspective.

In the meanwhile I get a day or a whole weekend to myself every week. I have the rest I need in order to work all week and provide for my DCs lives.

Yabu, my dp is a workaholic but will do anything to spend time with the kids. He works really hard during the day, but goes to work earlier so he is able to rush home in time to put the kids to bed, then when they're asleep he spends a lot of the night on his computer working away again. At the weekend he spends the whole time with the kids, if they see him sitting on the couch they'd cuddle in next to him not walk away and leave him. If we separated he would definitely see less of them.

I don't think your partner would suddenly turn into an involved, hands on father and play with them all weekend just because you separate. If he was interested then surely he'd spend more time with the children at the weekend already?

I've also had this dark fantasy and admit to sometimes feeling that divorced friends have it easier - which is mad. Dh is a bit of a workaholic - he has spent many many weekends working all but one afternoon, but at some point he realised he was missing out.
I agree with tween you need to organise things that take you out the house to do your own thing and put him in sole charge so that they bond, resentment is awful for your relationship so try and take charge, stop the 'stuck' feeling.

This is why it's so difficult, I know he is doing it to provide for us and I do appreciate that - but that isn't the beginning and end of why he works so much. It's also bc he enjoys it, and bc he sometimes needs to and sometimes wants to - there are days playing golf and schmoozing clients and dinners and drinks as well as long hours in the office that aren't totally essential but he will do for networking reasons.

What I haven't mentioned yet but really bugs me is that his business partner - who we have known for years and are good friends with - is a much much more hands on dad. He has 2 under 2 (just) at the moment and despite doing the same hours as my DH is up early at the weekends, giving his wife a rest, taking the toddler out (and even the baby for as long as she can go between breastfeeds) on his own, making the kiddie dinners - he is really down and dirty with all the day to day crap. That contrast is hard to swallow as they have exactly the same job, yet DH would never voluntarily do what his friend does. I think it is a personality thing and also just what he has the energy for / can be arsed with. Trouble is you have no way of knowing this before having the baby!!

Sorry I realise what I just posted probably qualifies as a 'drip feed' which is often frowned on, didn't intend to. Just been ruminating on quite why I'm so irritated at the moment all day. :-(

To be more positive, your DH may come into his own as his children get older. Not everyone is good at getting down & dirty with little ones.

My DH's dad was a bit of a workaholic but he was a fab dad when DH was a teenager/young adult (sadly, he died too soon). He was just great at quietly being with DH and getting on his wavelength.

Relationships with your parents are a life's work, really, let it grow at its own pace.

If you want him to help out more, that is another issue.

You could be describing my DH-exactly the same. I have to say though, as the children have got a bit older he's got better at doing things with them. He's never going to be a particularly 'hands on' dad, but he enjoys taking DS to watch football and DD shopping for clothes now and again. I've grown to appreciate the fact I get to be the one that does everything with the children, and I just feel sorry that he's going to look back and regret having missed so many special occasions. I don't want to split though as we still get on well as a couple, and that will count for a lot when the children are older and off doing their own things, he just has different priorities to me.

Thank you for that Backtobedlam. Going to try to cling to the hope that things will improve as ds gets older. Trouble is, my heart really wants a second dc but I'm genuinely worried that the baby years of number two might finish us off as a couple, as we've struggled so much with sleep issues etc and are only just coming out of the fog. Can't in all conscience try for no.2 while I feel like this but I so much want things to improve!

We are still good as a couple really, when we get the time and energy to do the things we used to do. I just want him to be a really engaged father, that's all - I don't think it's so much to ask. But these are things we don't see coming about parenthood aren't they!

He will need to left in charge for a few hours at the weekends.

I can empathise with wanting a second but not being sure your marriage could survive it as I feel exactly the same way!!

I had to be brief earlier as I was doing the school run.

My dh is a workaholic because his work interests him , he loves it .
The kids have adjusted and they have a great relationship.
I have left dh in charge since they were born , girls weekends away, cinema trips.
Is there any particular reason you don't leave them too it ?

I also felt the same at about dc2 when my dc1 was 2, but it got considerably easier by the time she was 3, and I find the more she talks and walls and it's less physically demanding the easier it gets and it has gotten easier for dh to relate. I couldn't have contemplated dc2 with less than the 4 yr age gap we'll have but that's fine so don't 'now or never' yourself. I think you should aim for gradually increasing dh's responsibility over the next year, and also, buy in more help and be honest with dh that you need it because you're not getting breaks as he's tired. A lot can be resolved with straight talking but not blaming.