Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To want to run away from my life and never come back?

41 replies

JulietBravoJuliet · 05/10/2014 22:29

This is going to be an essay, so apologies in advance.

I'm at total breaking point right now; I can't cope with being a mum, I can't cope with my dogs, I hate both my jobs and I'm sick to bloody death of being skint all the time.

Ds is 8 and is currently undergoing the extremely long process of being assessed for ADHD/ASD. His behaviour has gone from bad to worse; he speaks to me like shit all the time, would argue with himself in an empty room, and is on his last warning for hitting at school. This week alone, he has injured 3 of his classmates and if it happens again, he will have to be excluded. His school are being very supportive, but his head teacher has said she needs to be seen to be doing something, as the parents of the children he's hurt want action to be taken, and I totally understand that, but I have no idea what to do as everything I say to him at the minute results in eye rolling, stomping and door slamming. His xbox is banned, he's spending a lot of time in his room, he's been made to write letter of apology to everyone he has hurt. He understands he shouldn't be doing it, but doesn't seem to be able to control his temper, and seems to be in a constant bad mood. His dad thinks there's nothing "wrong" with him, and is of the mind that he just needs more discipline. Great, but he only sees him for a few hours a week; the rest of the time it's down to me, and I'm simply not coping :(

I have two dogs; a 6yo who has always been a bit of a sod, but nothing major, and a 5 month old pup who I really regret getting now, in hindsight. He's a great little chap, and housetraining is about cracked, but he's scared of his own shadow, and growls/barks at everyone and everything. Since getting him, big dogs behaviour has gone from bad to worse. She's constantly peeing in the house, which she's never, ever done before, every time pup growls at a dog in the street, she's taken to lunging and snarling at it, she's ignoring everything I say, and is generally harder work than the pup.

I'm working two part time, minimum wage jobs, largely because they fit in around school/childcare, and I can take ds with me in the holidays and leave at short notice on the many occasions that school ring me to come in because he's hit/bitten/strangled another pupil. However, I hate them both. I don't earn enough to make ends meet, yet I can't see a way out, as ds has disgraced himself at pretty much every local childcare provider (live in a small village so not much available in the first place) and I can't see how I can work different hours or in a less flexible job whilst he's how he is. I'm managing to pay the bills etc, but there's nothing left at the end, and it's getting me down.

The money situation will improve soon, as my dad is buying me a house so won't have rent to pay, and I'm eternally grateful for that, but I just feel so unfulfilled in my current roles and can't see a way out.

I had a serious head injury at the beginning of the year, and have had problems following on from that, including social anxiety, which I've never suffered from before, and a huge fear of the dark, plus insomnia, tiredness and headaches, which I've been assured will get better eventually, but I just feel like I'm overtired, stressed and don't want to live like this anymore.

I have this fantasy of dropping ds at his dad's, taking the dogs to kennels and driving off somewhere, never to return. I feel as though I have this enormous pressure building in my head, and it's only a matter of time before I explode. I really don't like my life very much, I'm a shit mum and I'm just not coping :(

Well done if you've got this far. I guess I just need to vent somewhere anonymous!

OP posts:
ClapHandsIfYouBelieveInFatties · 05/10/2014 22:32

They need to be seen to be doing something do they? Well then they NEED to work out his flashpoints and stop them happening! I am sorry you're going through this.

School needs to be on this more...have you asked at what points in the day he is at his worst? There will be a reason if he is on the Spectrum.

Archduke · 05/10/2014 22:39

Oh dear you poor thing. In your shoes I would.

a. get rid of the dogs

b. send ds to his dads for a while (weekend? could he go for a week?)

c. have a bloody good night out and have some fun - it sounds like your life is hard work and you need a break

d how lovely of your dad to sort your accom issues - would this mean you can give up one of your jobs?

JulietBravoJuliet · 05/10/2014 22:40

Most of his lashing out moments are during PE or play times. He just doesn't cope well with being in a large group of kids, all running around. He's not allowed out on the field anymore, as they use the playing field next to school, and he bit someone and ran off the field once, so he now has to stay on the premises at lunchtime/during outdoor PE. he's generally ok in the mornings, although we do have a problem with school refusal sometimes, and then he's in a bad mood all day. During the holidays, he's like a different child, and is a lot less antsy with me; it seems to be school that sets him off. He's made no friends at all really, rarely gets invited to parties etc., and I really feel for him.

OP posts:
ClapHandsIfYouBelieveInFatties · 05/10/2014 22:42

That's not fair on him...do they not have any quiet lunch time clubs? Would home education be an option? Or is that not doable with work and your own issues? Could you consider a new school? One with better provisions?

foreverton · 05/10/2014 22:44

Hi op, didn't want to read and run.
Well done for being so honest, that must have been difficult to write.
I have an 11 yr old ds with asd though he has no behavioural issues it can be bloody hard work, add to the mix everything else and life starts to feel hopeless.

Have you seen your doctor?
I know it's maybe not a long term solution but they may be able to help you with short term anxiety medication.

I'm speaking as someone who would have never in a million years have agreed to take anything like that myself but after a pretty shitty year I broke down to my doctor and said I needed help.

The clouds are starting to lift, asd whilst challenging is something that you will come to terms with eventually, it's a learning curve, were almost 3 years since diagnosis and I'm still learning.
I feel like a failure a lot but remind myself I'm doing my best and that's all you can do.
Be kind to yourself, sounds like you're a great mum:)

iago · 05/10/2014 22:51

If you have got this far, you are doing brilliantly. I love dogs but I think you should re-home them and concentrate on your son. I am sure everyone has had. at some time or another, the fantasy of disappearing into the wide blue yonder, but sadly you can't do it if you have kids.(Even if men seem to do this easily - bitter moi? Of course not.) But your financially situation will get better and that will make a real difference both to your mental and material situation.

JulietBravoJuliet · 05/10/2014 22:51

Ds can't go to his dad's for more than a night, as he works nights so can't have him much.

I really don't want to get rid of my dogs as I love them to bits, and god knows how I would rehome two bloody delinquents that have taken to peeing on everything and lunging and snapping at very strange dog that walks within 10 yards. No-one in their right minds would taken either of them on! I am, however, going to spend some money on a decent behaviourist to try and sort them out. I was just mega stressed with them tonight, as big dog peed on the kitchen floor, 10 minutes after we came back off a walk, and we had a near miss with an off lead staffie, after the pup barked at it, and big dog then lunged, and it retaliated and I was left to try and keep hold of two leads whilst the owner of the staffie tried to remove his dog from my dogs throat! Was ready to eBay the pair of them a couple of hours ago!

I'm hoping I can give up one of my jobs once I've moved. I really want to start up my own business (not sure what doing yet!), and will hopefully have the money to look into this once I'm not paying rent. My dad is wonderful Grin

I've been sat looking at booking a Travellodge for a nights peace and quiet away from it all, but can't afford it at the minute.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 05/10/2014 22:54

Oh op Flowers Wine and Cake. What strategies are school using to help your ds? What are his triggers? Is there are quiet area space at school he could go to if it gets too much. My dd7 has ASD and used to bite and hit and mainstream school, now she is in a wonderful Autistic school. Woukd headphones at busy times at school be helpful to block out some stimuli.

Beastofburden · 05/10/2014 22:55

Awwww.

Can you re-home the puppy first? May well have been the final straw. It's funny what can push us that bit too far.

Is school right for DS? Could you home school for a year and perhaps justify giving up those jobs for a while? I'm afraid I don't know if benefits would be adequate, but your luffly dad might be just about to make that possible. In a year it could all be so different.

I have two disabled DC and I would say you need to pace yourself, I am 12 years ahead of you. Do, by all means, walk away from some of this, though not literally.

Aeroflotgirl · 05/10/2014 22:57

Has your ds git a statement, mabey a school with Autistic depArtment might be better

Beastofburden · 05/10/2014 22:59

X post re rehoming puppy

JulietBravoJuliet · 05/10/2014 23:06

I would love to HE but couldn't manage it with work etc. Plus, at the minute, I would either kill him, or end up rocking in a corner with a vodka bottle by the end of each day!!

This school is the only school within the village, and the one in the neighbouring village is oversubscribed already, so I'm a bit stuck. They are really nice, but I'm not sure whether they are dealing with ds right; but then again, I'm not sure I'm dealing with him right!

Re seeing the doctor, I was on Amitriptyline for a couple of months, but the DVLA wouldn't give me my driving licence back until the doctor confirmed I was off them, as apparently they can impair judgement, so I stopped them, but, tbh, I didn't really find they helped much, apart from making me sleep through my alarm on several occasions! I think I really ought to go back to the docs though.

OP posts:
ClapHandsIfYouBelieveInFatties · 05/10/2014 23:07

Is there a SENCO to talk to? what stage of assesment at you at?

AnotherStitchInTime · 05/10/2014 23:08

Could you find something that allowed you to work from home perhaps? Like home working call centre jobs. If not now then after you are in your new place and are financially less pressured. You could home school ds around making phonecalls by allocating hours to times when he can be occupied. If the school could offer flexi schooling he could perhaps do the mornings in school, building up to all 5 mornings eventually once support is in place.

JulietBravoJuliet · 05/10/2014 23:13

He's not got a statement, no. I mentioned this to school, but they didn't seem keen as he's doing well academically and doesn't really need any extra support apart from to stop him walloping everyone so they didn't feel he needed it. Should I be pushing them for this? Is it even school who issue the statements? He been on a school action plan since nursery, as this behaviour has been ongoing. I really don't have much of a clue about what I should be doing, or who to ask for help.

OP posts:
Blondieminx · 05/10/2014 23:18

That all sounds very overwhelming.

The dogs need to be rehomed. Dealing with them piddling everywhere on top of everything else you have going on? Just noooo.... You need to concentrate on the humans in the household for now really.

See the GP. Ask for a double appointment to discuss 1) the diagnostic/statementing process for your DS and 2) Possible anti-anxiety drugs (there are many!) for you, just till things settle down a bit.

You need a break. Be it a girls evening in or something in town, you do deserve some down time to relax and take your "mum" hat off for the evening.

This phase won't last forever x

JulietBravoJuliet · 05/10/2014 23:21

Assessment wise, we've has the ed psych in to assess him in school, had an appointment with someone on the Childrens Services team, which was interesting, as she had a very, very strong accent, and ds couldn't understand anything she said and seemed a bit scared of her, so the whole appointment was a bit of a disaster, and we've got an appointment with Occupational Therapy tomorrow. Not 100% what that's for tbh, but I guess I'll find out in the morning! I'm pretty clueless about it all, can you tell?

OP posts:
Blondieminx · 05/10/2014 23:27

I think there is a topic under the education grouping for SN, it may be worth starting a thread there as well?

One of the great things about MN is there's always someone on here who's walked the path before you and will share strategies to get through it - I've had great help on 2 health issues for DD Smile

Blondieminx · 05/10/2014 23:29

Just seen this on SEN on Active threads - forewarned is forearmed!

JulietBravoJuliet · 06/10/2014 00:46

Thanks for all the responses; I think I need a break to clear my head, and a sit down appointment with both the GP and the HT at ds's school to get a clearer understanding of what is being done to help him, as I really don't understand it all.

OP posts:
foreverton · 06/10/2014 07:59

Please do Speak to the school, they're there to help.
Statements as they were have been replaced since the beginning of the new school year but the new scheme is apparently better as it doesn't just focus on educational needs, it helps with personal/social issues too.

I was told by the school my ds left in the summer that it's them who would request a statement ( my ds doesn't have one ) but a parent could request it too although the school would have a lot of input.

Ultimately, speak to them, voice your concerns, there needs to be strategies in place for when your ds has a meltdown.
I would highly recommend asking for a home/school book.
What this basically does is allows you to write down anything that may have happened at home, possible behaviour triggers and the school can read it and act accordingly, and vice versa.

This helps you all to realise that a situation may have happened that may affect your ds behaviour, however small and will keep everybody informed at the same time.
Good luck:) p.s things may get worse before they get better but things will get better in time.

MidniteScribbler · 06/10/2014 08:12

Would your dad pay for a night or two in a hotel for you just so you can get a break?

PrettyPictures92 · 06/10/2014 08:41

I'm sorry I've no advice to offer except lots of hugs and support Flowers

blanklook · 06/10/2014 09:28

Juliet try www.livesinthebalance.org/
and Ross Greene's book 'The Explosive Child', it may give you some insight about what is triggering your ds and provide you with some interventions that work

HumblePieMonster · 06/10/2014 09:32

See your gp.
Rehome both dogs - this week. Don't think, just do it.

Swipe left for the next trending thread