To want to run away from my life and never come back?

[JulietBravoJuliet]

This is going to be an essay, so apologies in advance.

I'm at total breaking point right now; I can't cope with being a mum, I can't cope with my dogs, I hate both my jobs and I'm sick to bloody death of being skint all the time.

Ds is 8 and is currently undergoing the extremely long process of being assessed for ADHD/ASD. His behaviour has gone from bad to worse; he speaks to me like shit all the time, would argue with himself in an empty room, and is on his last warning for hitting at school. This week alone, he has injured 3 of his classmates and if it happens again, he will have to be excluded. His school are being very supportive, but his head teacher has said she needs to be seen to be doing something, as the parents of the children he's hurt want action to be taken, and I totally understand that, but I have no idea what to do as everything I say to him at the minute results in eye rolling, stomping and door slamming. His xbox is banned, he's spending a lot of time in his room, he's been made to write letter of apology to everyone he has hurt. He understands he shouldn't be doing it, but doesn't seem to be able to control his temper, and seems to be in a constant bad mood. His dad thinks there's nothing "wrong" with him, and is of the mind that he just needs more discipline. Great, but he only sees him for a few hours a week; the rest of the time it's down to me, and I'm simply not coping :(

I have two dogs; a 6yo who has always been a bit of a sod, but nothing major, and a 5 month old pup who I really regret getting now, in hindsight. He's a great little chap, and housetraining is about cracked, but he's scared of his own shadow, and growls/barks at everyone and everything. Since getting him, big dogs behaviour has gone from bad to worse. She's constantly peeing in the house, which she's never, ever done before, every time pup growls at a dog in the street, she's taken to lunging and snarling at it, she's ignoring everything I say, and is generally harder work than the pup.

I'm working two part time, minimum wage jobs, largely because they fit in around school/childcare, and I can take ds with me in the holidays and leave at short notice on the many occasions that school ring me to come in because he's hit/bitten/strangled another pupil. However, I hate them both. I don't earn enough to make ends meet, yet I can't see a way out, as ds has disgraced himself at pretty much every local childcare provider (live in a small village so not much available in the first place) and I can't see how I can work different hours or in a less flexible job whilst he's how he is. I'm managing to pay the bills etc, but there's nothing left at the end, and it's getting me down.

The money situation will improve soon, as my dad is buying me a house so won't have rent to pay, and I'm eternally grateful for that, but I just feel so unfulfilled in my current roles and can't see a way out.

I had a serious head injury at the beginning of the year, and have had problems following on from that, including social anxiety, which I've never suffered from before, and a huge fear of the dark, plus insomnia, tiredness and headaches, which I've been assured will get better eventually, but I just feel like I'm overtired, stressed and don't want to live like this anymore.

I have this fantasy of dropping ds at his dad's, taking the dogs to kennels and driving off somewhere, never to return. I feel as though I have this enormous pressure building in my head, and it's only a matter of time before I explode. I really don't like my life very much, I'm a shit mum and I'm just not coping :(

Well done if you've got this far. I guess I just need to vent somewhere anonymous!

I really, really don't want to rehome the dogs, although I appreciate that would alleviate a lot of stress, but the one thing I really enjoy doing is walking, and, when we're in the middle of open fields, with no other dogs for miles, I absolutely love having them with me. I've contacted a behaviourist, and will get things moving in that area as soon as I move and can afford it, but rehoming would be a very last resort, especially the older dog, who would just be as miserable as sin; she won't even settle with a friend when I go on holiday, and would be very hard to find a home for as she hates men and is generally a bit of a complex character!

I'm going to ring the docs in the morning and talk about some anti-anxiety meds for the short term, and will book an appointment with the HT and SENCO to discuss ds. We're at the OT in an hour, so will ask them what the next steps are.

I do appreciate all the support :)

Juliet, how about posting the dog issues in the doghouse? Someone knowledgeable will be able to give you some pointers :) It all sounds hugely stressful. Time to demand help. Any wider family who can give you a break? Can you take a few days holiday from work so you can gather yourself and make some plans? I really feel for you.

I've posted in the doghouse and just been advised to contact a trainer, which I have done.

Just come out of the OT appointment and she feels d's has some sensory issues which may be contributing to his behaviour. Awaiting another appointment now!

Hi Juliet. YARNBU to dream it! I have also wished I could just walk away - and guess what my ds has autism with ADHD. Its a tricky combination for everyone, particularly before assessment when there is almost no guidance. My son also bit sometimes when he was younger, so I can empathise with how bewildered, conflicted and upset you must feel. I found the books that gave information about ASD or ADHD did not help a lot because ds has both. Ds who also has LD (so LF) was diagnosed at 7 - late for a less able child. He is extremely hyperactive and impulsive. As a parent every second needs to be at high alert - to prevent the next disaster. The unpredictable is exhausting.
Life has got somewhat easier as the years have gone by. First the diagnosis helped by effectively giving signposts for both us and school. (we were like most people not given any support post dx but at least we knew where to look) I was able to access parent courses (like those run by the NAS. We and school (and later ds) got to be better at predicting and helping him manage his and needs and behaviour. My ds has many sensory issues, so meeting those needs helped him stay calm. For him he needs to run off energy and move about, and have lots of sensory and proprioceptive input (squeezing, jiggling, fiddling etc). I wonder if the OT appointment is to look at possible sensory needs? If a child needs to move around a lot then not allowing access to the field could be both cruel and counterproductive.
School need to put in place whatever support your child needs, to be able to cope (and preferably thrive) without biting or hurting others. A child of 8 is unlikely to be hurting others out of deliberate aggression or spite. Is it clumsiness or panic (due to feeling under attack) or both? Are people hurting him (perhaps inadvertently due to oversensitivity? Is he getting overwhelmed and if so by what (noise/bright lights/confusion)? My ds has very poor spacial awareness, so would often accidently cause minor collisions that he would interpret as others deliberately bumping him- possibly thumping them back! Perhaps your son needs support in play time, such as attending a club with a favourite theme( eg lego/computer), or if he likes quiet spaces being allowed to sit in the library. He may need help with social skills, or with joining in organised games.
Lastly you need to get support for you! You need some fun and to be able to enjoy life. Easier said than done I know! ((Hug))

Sorry cross posted. Hope its not too long to your next OT appointment. We were given a set of sensory exercises to do with ds - called a sensory diet (I know -couldn't they have come up with a more meaningful name?), and advised to buy some equipment. Good luck. The sensory side was only one step on to a more settled path for us but every little helps.

I'm afraid I have no advice regarding your DS, but I'm sure many posters will have experience in this area and can offer you some advice.

As for your dogs, I do have a fair bit of experience of training and behaviour issues. And I myself have a pup and an older dog currently.
1. What I would do is get two crates for your dogs, a bit of an expense but worth it. If you don't think they will chew their way out then you can pick up some decent ones for 30 each on ebay. Otherwise you may need some strong ones from Pets at home at upwards of 80 each.
2. YouTube how to introduce a dog to a crate. Put puppy pads down to catch any wee and give them hard chews like a kong with treats stuffed inside to keep them busy. They shouldn't go to the toilet in here, but if they do, at least it's not where your stepping and fairly easy to clean up. It also helps to create a toileting routine (for both puppy and adult). This is where your dogs should go when you can't watch them.

Regarding their outdoor behaviour, they do need de-sensitising to what triggers them. So definitely do go ahead with a positive only trainer. Consider doing some obediance (YouTube!) as a dog who knows commands (and is treated constantly for them) can usually be controlled fairly easily into doing as you say as opposed to giving in to these urges.
Take your dogs out only when they are hungry/haven't yet been fed. Feed them treats outside for any good behaviour, if they know you have the treats and they are hungry, they will be more likely to listen to you in hopes of more food than go for other dogs.

Practical matters, get no pull head harnesses for the meantime, not a solution for the longterm but walks will be easier and better for you. And pulling on one closes the mouth so they will struggle to bite another dog. Consider also using muzzles, in fact, definitely use muzzles too with the head harness.

The more a dog has the availability to commit a behaviour, they more likely it is to repeat it. You have to break these habits. The more time spent on a head harness, with a muzzle (basket muzzle) looking to you for treats instead of looking at that dog across the street will be good for them. The less opportunity to wee on your floor will give them less inclination to do so.

Dogs thrive on routine and the more 'managed' you feel with your care for them, the easier it will feel to keep them.

Good luck with everything

Youre not a bad mum. You've got a lot on your plate so you're doing great. You need a breather and you need to give yoursef a break. Do you have friends locally? Is there someone who can in the short term just give some practical help, look after your son for an hour or so after school, walk one of the dogs or just, have coffee and a chat? Accept help from anyone that offers.
Make an appt with the senco and say that you need help. My DS is often ignored as he's doing OK academically so cannot get a statement. You need to hassle them a bit, and turn the tables - what are they doing to help him? the OP should be able to help him re school environment. He may have sensory processing issues, eg running around with noisy kids in pe is over stimulating, and he finds it hard to cope with environment. School should make adjustments. I took my son to GP and he was referred to children's services which sounds like what happened with you. I also found this avenue pretty useless and had to research what I thought was wrong and then look for the right expert and insist he was referred. The OT should be able to help both with school and with stuff at home but please mention sensory processing otherwise they may just look at whether he should eg sit at the front of the class. I had to request a further referral to O TS re sensory stuff as the first ot did not address.
Good luck.

Thank you Sweetpea

I have two crates already; one upstairs and one downstairs for the pup. He happily goes in his crate, has never once wee'd or messed in it, and sleeps for 8 hours a night in there with no problems. Big dog used to be crate trained as a pup, but now screeches the house down if I try popping her in the bigger crate (tried it recently when she was poorly and I didn't want her hurtling downstairs every time the postie came). I might have to persevere though, but don't want to piss my neighbours off as she sounds like she's being killed the second the door is shut (yet she will happily go in there for a nap with the door open!)!

I'm looking at halti type things now, and will order a couple I think. Both are walked on harnesses at the minute but I think the extra control from a head collar would be welcome!

magso the OT is going to send me a referral through for some classes to learn more about sensory issues, so I'm hoping that will help me.

That's good. Here OT tend to run a sensory course so parents can sort things out for themselves. Its general but good to get started. I had to pay for sensory assessment because back then the NHS OT where I live was not sensory trained.
It really is important to have enjoyment in your life though, and I really should have written that as a first priority! So I hope the move will allow you some energy left for yourself (your Dad is a star). Do you know about DLA (for people who need considerably more extra care from their carers) and carers allowance? It might be that your ds is entitled to DLA (which is being replaced by PIPs - possibly already has been). Might be worth looking into.

You could be describing DS at his old school in terms of home, though he was impeccably behaved at school (he has demand avoidant traits, though when not stressed is too compliant for full blown PDA, and behaving well at school and exploding at home is classic). He now goes to a different (still village) school, with a brilliant class teacher and good SENDCo, and is thriving.

I second the "Explosive Child" book. The reality is that kids like ours need to be parented differently to more amenable ones. It is hard, and you aren't going nuts, and IMO you would benefit from posting on Special Needs to ask for advice and support.

Your DS is almost certainly entitled to DLA and you to Carers, given his behaviour. I know people with kids with these issues and they get it. As you won't have rent, and some of the money is keepable over and above child tax credits, you should be better off. Which may remove some of the strain.

He may also benefit from these. They calm DS down a lot. And there is hope - if you can get a handle on his stress, because autism has accurately been described as "anxiety looking for a target" he may blossom. DS now has friends, is doing great academically, and is a pleasure o be around. I just did not like him at his old school - his behaviour at home was horrific, and scary. He's now a sweet, kind, albeit anxious and reactive little boy. It's a knack, handling kids like this, and one you have to learn laboriously and through gritted teeth, but at core he can't regulate his emotions well and he is having a panic attack instead of a tantrum, and if you just remember to try to manage him along those lines he's actually very sweet these days. He was taken down from School Action Plus to My Plan (no Plus!) last week. We aren't eligible for DLA etc now, because he has calmed down so much, which is the best money depriving news I've ever had! But his school is the main thing, definitely. It's actively bad at handling high functioning children, but I do wonder how good any large school can really be.

I don't know where you live, but our county has something called the Teaching Advisory Service and there is a specialist for ASD type difficulties, who has been very good. They may also be able to tell you if the school is not a good fit for your child, and which could be better. You could put him in the waiting list, perhaps?

Chews help, so can ear defenders, and so can a range of things special needs sites sell (weighted blankets, blackout tents, all sorts).

Hang on in there. It can get better, I promise. It did for us.

His old school was actively bad, I meant to say, and changing it key. If your DS is playing up so much around school, then I think that needs to be looked at.

Is he getting Social Stories etc, and what is on his My Plan?

Sending you hugs and support. Agree with others re the dogs, if not both the puppy if you can rehome them. I know its hard but you need support. Ds dad can he take him for a couple of days. If dogs and ds looked after can you take leave from job and stay with friend to give yourself a break and some fun. Xxx

It seems to me that school is leaving him to his own devices at playtimes so it's not at all surprising that things are going wrong.

They need to actively help him at these times. Put a buddy system in place (older child?), give him his own space to retreat to when things are too much, find something for him to do so he's not just running wild and then hurting someone. If necessary a TA should be available for him at playtimes. If he has to be excluded then the school has failed him. He can certainly be on a Plan for reasons other than academic.

I completely feel for you, OP. I know what it's like to have an out of control son and dread the phone calls from school. And I understand that you love your dogs and don't want to get rid of them either. Dogs are a pain but they give so much back and they get you out walking every day, which is good.

I don't really have any advice other than to say that things will get better. I'd say the main source of your stress is your DS and if you keep pushing with the school then hopefully you'll get some kind of diagnosis soon. and help. I suspect that my DS may have ADHD although nothing has been officially diagnosed. Having said that, his behaviour has improved a lot over the last 2 years, since we found out that he's dyslexic and he's getting a bit more support at school. You will need to keep badgering the school though as, in my experience, village schools tend to be quite ignorant when if comes to SN.

And yanbu - It's completely understandable that you want to run away - we've all been there.

perfectstorm What are Social Stories and My Plan? Will school know what I'm on about if I ask about them?

Will definitely get him one of those chew bangles as it may save some of his uniform - last year, he actually ate one jumper right up to the elbow! Only the right arm though, never the left!

Thank you everyone for the words of support :) I'm seriously looking into having a couple of days away on my own to recharge my batteries.

Just feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall sometimes! His dad is good with him, but feels his problems are just due to a lack of discipline, and insists he's a little angel when he's with him, which makes me feel like it's all my fault (this coming from the man who decided to take him to a show last night and didn't return him until after bloody 10pm. On a school night! But that's a whole other thread...).