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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to confirm to DD that her father is a liar?

27 replies

CloudiaPickle · 05/10/2014 22:20

DD is 8. Her father was abusive to me and I fear is becoming increasingly emotionally abusive to her. He says things like he, his GF and their son never do anything when she isn't there because families do things all together and that I'm not treating her like a proper member of my family because I still do things with my other DC when she isn't here. He sees DD 4 nights per month and has holidays without her (doesn't ask for her) so of course not doing anything without her is a lie.

He tells DD that he doesn't know when school events and holidays arewhich is why he can't attend/have her more. He tells her she's missing things (I.e. Relatives visiting, fair being in town etc) because she's here and uses this an excuse for not doing much with her.

Tonight she asked why all the other parents know when school events and holidays are but he doesn't and why fun things only happen at his when she isn't there. I think she knows the truth but is looking to me to confirm it but if I say it - I.e. That anyone with the internet can discover the dates, and that he knows the dates he's having contact a year in advance so could schedule fun things if he wanted to - am I badmouthing him? I keep skirting round it but if she asks me outright, AIBU if I confirm he's a liar?

OP posts:

GoodboyBindleFeatherstone · 05/10/2014 22:25

Not unreasonable at all. I do this with DS BUT I always point out that his father has his reasons for doing it and that he (xh) does love him (DS) very much.

WorraLiberty · 05/10/2014 22:29

Copy the dates on to your calender, then hand the letters straight to your DD to give to her Dad.

That way neither you nor she are involved.

WorraLiberty · 05/10/2014 22:30

Or sit with her while she emails them to him.

WooWooOwl · 05/10/2014 22:33

In your position I would email the links to school events directly to my child's father. I know you shouldn't have to.

But that way, when she asks you can tell her what you do for her, rather than having to say anything bad about him. Tell her the truth, that you don't know why he doesn't come to school things when you know he has been given information, but you know that she'd like him there, so you did the only thing you could for her to try and make that happen.

She will be confused in the short term, but in her own time she will realise her Dad's an arse.

skylark2 · 05/10/2014 22:37

I wouldn't get into whether he's lying. Help her to find the school internet site and print out the list of dates so she can give them to him next time she visits. That way there's no confusion in her mind as to which adult to believe - she knows she has given them to him.

Original poster

CloudiaPickle · 05/10/2014 22:43

The difficulty is that she doesn't necessarily want him to attend. She just doesn't understand why he pretends he doesn't know when clearly he does - I do email him and also arranged for school to do so.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 05/10/2014 22:47

Yes but by getting her to email him, or hand the letters over, it leaves the ball in his court.

Therefore she's much more likely to as him why, rather than you.

It's difficult, but by gently taking a step back (whilst still being there for her emotionally), you'll be forcing him to tell the truth/explain his actions to your DD.

Which is perfect, because it's really not your job.

WorraLiberty · 05/10/2014 22:48

*ask

ChippingInLatteLover · 05/10/2014 22:48

I don't think shielding them from the truth does them any good. I think all it does is make them feel that they can't trust their instincts and that's a BAD lesson in life.

You are not 'badmouthing' him, you are reassuring her that she can trust her feelings.

Finola1step · 05/10/2014 22:49

Tell her that her dad has all the information that he needs. That you do not know why he says and does the things he does. That he loves her and that you love her.

Then leave it to her to ask questions if she wants to.

Coffeeinapapercup · 05/10/2014 23:10

Please please please don't get your dd to pass on information about events.

If he then doesn't turn up he has someone new to blame, "you didn't actually give it to me " "the time was wrong on the print out you gave me" etc

Quietly pointing out that the information is freely available really is the only way to go.

Bouttimeforwine · 05/10/2014 23:20

You don't want her to feel you are colluding with him. It is important that she can trust you. If her gut instinct is that he's not being honest, then you are not helping her by not being straight with her.

I'd be factual and matter of fact. Let her know that he loves her but that sometimes people do things we don't understand. I think you need to validate her feelings but without bad mouthing him. She doesn't want to feel she can't get the truth from you either.

Bulbasaur · 05/10/2014 23:20

Quietly pointing out that the information is freely available really is the only way to go.

Yep. I'd go this route.

Having her give him the paper puts her in the middle of it. It also creates room for him to gaslight her and insist she never gave it to him or didn't give it to him in time. He'll find a way to make her self blame, don't give him that chance.

Also, tell her you don't know why her father does fun things without her, that's a question she needs to ask him. He knows when she's coming over, why can't he plan around her?

wheresthelight · 05/10/2014 23:25

I would be honest to a degree, but in a way that is kind to her. so maybe show her an email that you are sending him with all the information on it rather than getting her to write it as it's not fair on her.

but she does need to question her dad as to why he says that when she knows you have told him

Coffeeinapapercup · 05/10/2014 23:37

Tbh I would worry less about how you're dd finds out and more about the impact when she does. Fwiw at just turned 8, DD set her dad up on purpose to see if he would lie. He did so there was really no way of skirting round the issue in the end.

I absolutely agree that she needs to be able to trust her instincts, but as an abusive person will try and take away this ability.

In the end if I don't know why he dad has done something I say I don't know, at least then she can trust what I'm saying.

Sometimes you can go with "well a lot of parents just can't get the time of work, and he probably just didn't want you to be disappointed". It wears a little thin after a few years

PicandMinx · 05/10/2014 23:45

Tell your DD her dad is a liar and an abusive dick.

Her father was abusive to me and I fear is becoming increasingly emotionally abusive to her is all the reason you need.

Aeroflotgirl · 06/10/2014 07:28

I agree, with Finola, e mail him the significant dates, just tell her you don't know why he's saying that as he already has this information. That you don't know why he is saying these things.

Original poster

CloudiaPickle · 06/10/2014 07:43

Yes, I do think that if I had her hand/email him the dates he'd still claim something had been changed or something and make her self blame which I don't want. She asked this morning if the dates are on the internet and I said yes. She said 'well he's always on the internet, so there's really no excuse.'

She also asked if he's lying that her relatives that she'd like to see are there whenever she isn't in the hope she will say that she'd rather be there than here. I said I don't know when/if they're there, but that he has known the dates he has her since January so he can plan to see them when she's there if he chooses to. Sad she's coming to these realisations about how manipulative he is already.

OP posts:

ajandjjmum · 06/10/2014 07:51

If there are relatives that she'd like to see, can you get her to contact them directly, and drop her off to see them? Or is that just not practical.

JubJubBirds · 06/10/2014 07:53

I think you're saying all the right things, it sounds like you're doing a great job.

As the DD of divorced parents you could just make sure you reinforce that her DF does love her, he's just a massive cock and didn't know how to parent properly. That love part is terribly confusing when you start to question your DF as a child.

Aeroflotgirl · 06/10/2014 07:55

Yes you are doing the right thing, but as she gets older I woukd confirm what she is saying. She sounds like she has the good measure of her dad, sounds very Clued up.

StillFrigginRexManningDay · 06/10/2014 08:04

I would go one step further and explain to dd that her dad is a liar and tries to make people feel bad by saying untrue things. Telling the truth about him does not make it badmouthing it means you are teaching your dd to not put faith in an abusive person.

Keep a record of all instances of your ex emotional abuse of your dd and try and get the access supervised.

Aeroflotgirl · 06/10/2014 08:23

Actually I would tell dd that yes she is correct and some adults do lie. Why cover for this man, dd already us clued up about him.

Aeroflotgirl · 06/10/2014 08:52

You are not implanting things in her mind, she has reached her own conclusion and you are supporting this

Original poster

CloudiaPickle · 06/10/2014 09:49

But when we go to court and she speaks to CAFCASS, it sounds terrible if I've told her he's a liar and saying things to deliberately hurt her,surely? Even if true.

OP posts:

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