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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask if you'd accept an invite to a hen night if not invited to the wedding?

42 replies

Topaz25 · 05/10/2014 13:41

Not sure how this works as I thought people were generally invited to both or neither but I was sure mumsnet would know the etiquette!

OP posts:

LeftRightCentre · 05/10/2014 13:42

FunkyBoldRibena · 05/10/2014 13:42

If you want to go then go. If not, then don't.

gamerchick · 05/10/2014 13:45

If its just a big standard piss up on one night then I would.

If it was one of those daft week/weekend cost a fortune jobs where everybody stumps up so the bride goes free I would think them cheeky twats and decline.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 05/10/2014 13:45

Depends - if I knew they were choosing to have a small intimate wedding, or one abroad, or wanted only family.members there, then I would go on the hen if (1) I was a close friends and (2) had the time, money and inclination.

If the wedding was a big affair and I still wasnt invited, then no.

LadyLuck10 · 05/10/2014 13:46

Agree with hacked. Only you know the person best to decide which one it is.

MokunMokun · 05/10/2014 13:47

It depends on who it was and where the wedding would be held etc

For example if it was an acquaintance who lived near me and the hen do would be local but the wedding was going to be on the other side of the country then absolutely. Why not?

If it was someone close to me then I might be offended not to get an invite to the reception especially if it was to be held nearby.

Definitely need more info!

DaisyFlowerChain · 05/10/2014 13:47

No I wouldnt but then again I don't accept evening only invites either as hate two tier guest systems.

riverboat1 · 05/10/2014 13:47

I don't know 'the etiquette' but I think it does seem rude and insensitive in most cases.

Some exceptions might be where the wedding is going to be a very small family-and-closest-friends-only affair. Or where you're not really friends with the bride, but you have friends who ARE friends with her and you end up seeing her regularly socially because of them. In that context a hen-do only invite might be appropriate?

But yeah, if it's a proper friend or family member where you would reasonably have expected to be invited to the wedding, a hen-do only invite is a bit selfish really, I think.

chanie44 · 05/10/2014 13:48

I agree with gamerchick, I would go if it was a night out and I wanted to go, but not if it was a costly weekend away.

Writerwannabe83 · 05/10/2014 13:51

I would but only if I had at least been invited to the evening reception and if it was just one night out

If I hadn't even been invited to the evening reception then I would be seriously pissed off if the bride actually thought I would want to go on her Hen Do.

Original poster

Topaz25 · 05/10/2014 13:54

I'm not offended or anything. The bride and I are in the same circle but not really close so I wasn't offended not to be invited to the wedding, although it would have been nice I understand the cost considerations involved in planning a wedding. It's local but they might be trying to keep it small. I was just surprised to receive an invite to the hen party as I thought it was normally for wedding guests only. I didn't invite any non wedding guests to mine as I naturally wanted to talk about the big day and didn't want anyone to feel left out. It is just a night out so it might be nice I was just worried it might be awkward.

OP posts:

WooWooOwl · 05/10/2014 13:58

If it was only a very small wedding and it was a good friend making hen night plans I liked the sound of, then yes, I'd go.

But if it was a bigger wedding and they were having evening guests, I'd feel like I was just there to make up numbers, so probably wouldn't go.

BackforGood · 05/10/2014 14:14

I think it's unusual, but I wouldn't bother about what the etiquette is, I'd go if it was something I fancied, and not if it wasn't.
I know it happens sometimes that maybe "all the girls at work" for example, might fancy a night out to give the bride a send off, even if they weren't all (if any) invited to the wedding.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 05/10/2014 14:20

I've been to a hen night where I wasn't invited to the wedding, it was local to me and my good friend's sister was the bride - it was an opportunity for me to have a weekend of quality time with my friend. I think generally it'd be a bit rude, but agree it's ok for tiny/destination weddings. My sister had a hen do despite getting married without any guests at all. No one minded.

UpduffedFatty · 05/10/2014 14:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Topaz25 · 05/10/2014 14:27

That's along the lines of what I was thinking UpduffedFatty.

OP posts:

MrsLemonLyman · 05/10/2014 14:27

In certain circumstances, maybe - if it was a colleague and everyone from the office was going, if it was a destination wedding, or if the wedding was kept quite intimate. But generally, probably not.

Dh was once invited to go on a stag to Las Vegas, but not to the wedding here in the UK. Erm, no!

hormonalandneedingcheese · 05/10/2014 14:34

If the wedding is a small one abroad or something - yes. If it's a normal sized wedding then I'd think on it.

It's really bad etiquette to invite people to a hen and stag without inviting to the wedding. It doesn't matter if it's a day invite, night only or if it's a big after-party (because of elopement or expense abroad). It smacks of wanting to make up numbers to just be surrounded if you're only good enough to go to the expensive (for you) part. Especially if they are going through one of the 'third parties' who book hen dos, because usually if you get a certain amount of people you get money off for the bride.

If they can't come to the wedding, then it's fine too because they turned down the wedding invite but were invited.

LemonadeRayGun · 05/10/2014 14:34

Yeah I have to say I would assume I had been invited to make up numbers if I weren't classed as a good enough friend to go to the actual wedding.

ADishBestEatenCold · 05/10/2014 14:38

I have never come across this and I just wondered (suspicious mind) would one be expected to buy a wedding gift if just invited to the 'hen' night?

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 05/10/2014 14:38

I would and I have. Fortunately never felt offended by it - it's always been brides whose weddings were abroad, or colleagues rather than close friends, etc. Plus I love any excuse for a party

AryaOfHouseSnark · 05/10/2014 14:42

I have gone to the hen do and not the wedding in the past, for friends colleagues etc, it didn't bother me at all that I wasn't invited to the wedding and it wasn't awkward in any way.
In most cases the wedding was a small intimate ceremony often with only immediate family and close friends there. I wouldn't have expected an invitation and was happy to celebrate in a different way.

If you think it's strange, that you have only been invited to make up numbers and you will feel awkward then don't go.

LabradorMama · 05/10/2014 14:46

As a pp said, if they were having a v small wedding e.g. just immediate family I wouldn't think it unusual. But if that wasn't the case, I'd think I'd just been invited to make up the numbers and I'd decline

Mind you, hen nights are my worst nightmare so even if I loved her dearly I'd probably try to find a good excuse not to go!

Original poster

Topaz25 · 05/10/2014 15:12

I have never come across this and I just wondered (suspicious mind) would one be expected to buy a wedding gift if just invited to the 'hen' night?

I wondered that but it wasn't mentioned so I don't think it would be expected, which is good as I definitely wouldn't do it! I think I might just have been invited to make up numbers.

OP posts:

Kundry · 05/10/2014 15:21

I don't see the problem. In my workplace it's fairly normal for a hen night to include workmates, who may or may not be invited to the wedding. Some hen nights have been all workmates followed by a wedding with no workmates at all. No-one has ever suggested this might be odd in any way.

They are two separate things and TBH the hen is usually more fun than the wedding

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