Aibu to resent DP for working hard?

[Greyhorses]

Because I am ready to leave at the moment!
Sorry this will be long.

Background is that we both work full time. Both have the same type of commute and have a dog and a cat (both wanted not mine) but no children.
I work weekends, night shifts and late shifts as a nurse. DP is a secondary teacher so works from about 6:30 am and then after school usually until 7pm.

Recently we have bought a house. We are just about moved in but it needs a lot of work. DP was most enthusiastic at first and had loads of plans. In short we both wanted to move here and if anything he loved it more than me.
It's the first time we have lived together properly, previously to this we both lived with his parents for a short time and i did not notice how little he did to be honest as I was only there at night and out during the day. We had seperate finances at the time and did most things separately!

He works very hard granted. He literally wakes up, works, goes to work, comes home, eats, works, goes to bed. There is no room for anything but work. Every conversation is about work and even weekends are mostly consumed by work. He does get paid well for this though and earns a good chunk more than me.
On the odd occasions he isn't working he is asleep!

I feel sorry for him as he is genuinely working hard however I am starting to really really resent him as he is leaving everything else to me. I walk dog, do all housework, renovate house, deal with all money matters, make all decisions...everything. The only thing he does is iron his own suit. He does nothing in the house except occasionally cook with me and moans if I ask him to do anything in his 'free time'

Last night we had a huge row as I finished work at 9pm and he was asleep. I asked him if he had done anything I had asked (order a takeaway and strip bed) as I was exhausted and he blew up on me shouting and saying I was nagging him and he could sleep if he wanted. He asked why he should ever make tea or order food as he dosent care about it and he is not my personal chef.
I ended up doing everything anyway and the night ended with him telling me that he was too tired to do anything and he was sick of me bossing him around. If I didn't ask he wouldn't do anything.
We don't speak much due to him being too tired, he never thinks of me and never suprises me or does anything spontaneous without a push.

I'm not sure if I am unreasonable or not. Should one person do everything because the other has a more demanding job?
He thinks IABU as he works longer and earns more and if I am finished before him I should do it. He also argues that his weekends are for relaxing as he works most days and I have some weekends and time off.

How can I solve this problem or is it basically me or the job?

Does he put effort in during the holidays when he has less work going on?

Mmmmm I don't know if you are or not actually.

In fairness that would really, really annoy me. And I have a friend who is a secondary teacher and does similar hours but to be honest there's a lot of faffing.

But it is a demanding job like you say.

That's really difficult!

Oh and he's definitely BU if he thinks he does less cause he earns more! I earn peanuts but I work damn hard

Also the logistics of hours are beside the point, you both work full time and your job is very demanding too.

So I have decided YANBU!

Well, it sounds like this is his life. Question is, do you want it to be your life?

I know teaching is full on, but not to the point where you cant ring a meal in or put a wash on.

A couple friend of mine are both secondary school teachers with additional responsibilities and if they took on his attitude theyd die of starvation in filthy clothes.

You could offer an ultimatum - it may work. It may not. Or you could cut your losses.

What is he like during the school holiday times?

I can only speak for my own relationship but we are a partnership. If one is working the other does the housework/washing/dog walking etc. basically whoever is in does chores. If I finish early I do dinner, if DH finishes earlier than me he does dinner. DH deals with the finances which are joint and I tend to do more stuff like the online shop sending the ironing away etc. We both have busy jobs but DH works much longer hours than me some weeks. Your OH should be pulling his weight and not leaving everything to you.

He sounds awful!

I work for myself, and it's very laid back, so I have tons of free time. Dp works in a high stress job, with mega responsibility, life and death stuff etc. He works long hour too, but he's very strict about time away from work being quality life time. He shops for us, cooks some nights, and brings me tea in the morning on his days off. He is rubbish at walking the dog, but will do it if asked, without moaning. He reads to my dc's (not his, from previous) at bedtime - his choice as he wants to have a good relationship with them and thinks this is important, and on Saturday mornings he gets up and trains them in Thai boxing (he did it for years so is all safe and qualified to teach)

And he wouldn't dream of yelling at me for asking for help!

Sorry yours is behaving so badly, you deserve better

Is he brand new to teaching? Head of Department? Yes, teaching is hard work, but not 12 hours a day plus weekends. There's more to this story than meets the eye.

Yes, teaching is hard and long hours, but that's not an excuse for him to do nothing. You work full-time too and are equally entitled to time off to relax without having to worry about housework.

He's using his job as an excuse to do jack shit around the house. DP and I both work full-time and do equal chores. Some weeks I might do more or vice-versa depending on workloads, but we both split things fifty fifty. We also have no children but two very needy cats!

Kind of on the fence here, speaking as a teacher. I'm too exhausted to do anything at the end of the day. I'm completely wiped out.

However, I only work 3 days and spend the rest of the time doing lots. There is no reason why he can't do stuff at the weekends.

How old is your Dp? I'm not sure he should be that tired if he's only youngish. Sounds like he is also lazy too....

Maybe you need to divide the labour - your stuff and his stuff. Bring food in for yourself after a shift at work. Do your own laundry.

Hi everyone thanks for the replies!

Yes he is new to teaching, and has recently took on a department which is failing and has no real leadership which has been left to him in a sense. It's a school that is in special measures so not easy and to be honest he is not the quickest or most academic person. He has not found it easy and admits this.

I'm not sure what he is like in the holidays as we did not live together then! I was with him during his last holiday but he worked part time.
He was never short or nasty before he started this job, lazy yes but never mean.
He is not the most motivated person though! For example he has no hobbies and would rather slob about than do something which was never a real issue before as I did my thing and he did his. It's only now we live together I'm getting very annoyed.

I feel like I should be trying harder to be supportive but can feel the rage bubbling up when I get in from work and have to start walking dog, making tea and doing everything while he spends the night moaning about work and hiding in his office! The only night he won't work is Friday but then he slobs around so I still end up with the lions share.
He hasn't met his friends in ages either- basically he works or sleeps!

He wouldn't care if the house was a mess or washing wasn't done. As long as he gets to work on time that's all he cares about :(

I'm even annoyed at having to talk constantly about it and feel like shouting at him to change the subject so now I avoid asking all together and this means we don't speak as much as we should!

Also, he isn't old at all he is 27- he is unfit and admits he could do with going to the gym but is too tired. This is a whole different thread though!

My mum was a head of department in a secondary, and worked her arse off. She also raised 4 children, and did 50% of the housework jointly with dad, who did similar hours to you (and yes we had a dog too). Basically I don't think yabu, just because he earns more does not give him the right to make you do everything else in the home.

Are you planning on having dc together? Think about this verrrry carefully if you are.
My dp does similar hours to yours and tbh he does next to no housework because he's not here . BUT he would never dare raise his voice to me, call me names or laugh at me when I asked him to get a takeaway ffs.
He sounds like he is stressed out of his mind, maybe suggest looking at his diet and speaking to his gp and union to get some help before you have to start making tough decisions

It sounds like he's pretty stressed with work - especially if the department is struggling and the school is in special measures. That might explain the snappiness but it doesn't excuse it at all.

He has no excuse to do nothing, but unfortunately it sounds like he's always been this way, you just haven't noticed. I knew DP was a keeper when I stayed overnight with him for the first time and he put laundry on, did dishes and cooked after a very busy nine hour shift at work! It's so important that an adult pulls their weight in a relationship (disabilities aside).

Basically, he's using his job as an excuse to be a lazy shit. Not good OP

I feel like there is no point now as if I nag it creates an argument and then I end up doing it anyway so I might as well just do it in the first place.

We had discussed children however decided to discuss it again in a couple of years once he had settled into his career and we had paid some debt. He is the more enthusiastic party and is desperate for a family soon, more so than me.

He was never selfish or acted this way before this job or I would never have bought a house with him and now I feel trapped with the whole thing :(

He used to be the main cook, he did some housework and suprised me with chocolates etc but not any more! Now all I get to be is someone to moan at or blame when things go wrong.

I have tried to talk to him about this but he ends up storming out or shouting and basically pointing the finger at me so I avoid the subject now!

Has all this started since he went back to school, OP?

My husband is a teacher and usually gets home for 4.30. Helps out with housework too!

I also earn more than him - does that mean he does more housework than me!

Yes it's pretty much since school went back- I think! But we have only had the house a month and it's been a stressful process of buying and solicitors which I have dealt with single handedly due to him being too busy.

The thing that comes up over and over with this sort of thing is people (often DHs) thinking that 'free time' should never involve duties like cooking, cleaning, dogwalking.

I know not everyone enjoys cooking, cleaning, dogwalking etc but I do think it's possible to find pleasure in some things that are also beneficial to the household, and I think women tend to be better at finding this pleasure.

I don't think YABU. If he lived alone he would have to do some household stuff, he would have to wash his clothes, he would have to eat. It takes very little extra effort to wash someone elses clothes at the same time as your own, and even less to include someone else in whatever plans you make to feed yourself.

If this is a temporary thing, then he needs to make that clear to you - to explain that he is so stressed with work that he needs you to pick up the slack for a while. But that needs to work both ways, and on the understanding that it is TEMPORARY.

I work heavy hours, and often weekends, and DHs is also full time, but not as long a schedule. We still share the housework. Sure, it means that sometimes DH and my 'quality time' is an hour spent tidying together on a Saturday morning, but we both appreciate that the house is more pleasant when it's clean, and that unless you have an arrangement in place that that's one person's job, it has to be a joint effort of some kind.

If you weren't there, how does he think he'd get fed/get his house clean etc?

Like I said, the fact that it's started (or gotten worse?) since he started back at work full-time explains things a little, but it's not fair that you have to pick up all the slack.

Housework is for two people. Nobody wants to spend all their free time cleaning or whatever, but it's part of running a household and being an adult. It's not optional just because you're tired.

Part of me thinks he's probably shouting because he's defensive. He knows he's in the wrong. I know a few people (DP included!) who get a bit snappy when they know they're in the wrong - difference is, they apologise within half an hour and then make it up - by doing the housework they agreed to do!

Hope things get better OP

I am a secondary teacher. I work similar hours. And I have a husband who works similar hours at the moment. We have children, and keep our family and house running between us. I marked for 3 hours this afternoon, and will do the same plus planning tomorrow. But I have also done some washing, cooked, ferried the children around etc.

Hmmmm, not sure I buy his argument.
DH is a few years older, newish to teaching and has extra responsibilities too.
He too often pulls a 12 hour work day - but not every day.
BUT he also does the nursery run for DD2, picks both kids up from nursery, and after school, does his share of chores, the weekly shop and childcare at weekends. He also excercises daily.

Granted we don't get any big house projects done until the holidays. But he understands that stuff still has to happen in the household regardless of how busy he is.
He is often a grumpy bastard, but never at me. More grumpy about his work load.

I would be interested to see what he's like in the school holidays. Has he always lived with his parents? Was he a lazy bastard when he was a student? He he a faffer and rubbish at organising himself?

And seriously - I earn about 20% less than my DH, but my job is hugely stressful. The part about earning more absolving him of basic chores is a crock of shit.
I know plenty of teachers who have immaculate houses and full lives, and work their arses off.
I don't think YABU.