Aibu to resent DP for working hard?

[Greyhorses]

Because I am ready to leave at the moment!
Sorry this will be long.

Background is that we both work full time. Both have the same type of commute and have a dog and a cat (both wanted not mine) but no children.
I work weekends, night shifts and late shifts as a nurse. DP is a secondary teacher so works from about 6:30 am and then after school usually until 7pm.

Recently we have bought a house. We are just about moved in but it needs a lot of work. DP was most enthusiastic at first and had loads of plans. In short we both wanted to move here and if anything he loved it more than me.
It's the first time we have lived together properly, previously to this we both lived with his parents for a short time and i did not notice how little he did to be honest as I was only there at night and out during the day. We had seperate finances at the time and did most things separately!

He works very hard granted. He literally wakes up, works, goes to work, comes home, eats, works, goes to bed. There is no room for anything but work. Every conversation is about work and even weekends are mostly consumed by work. He does get paid well for this though and earns a good chunk more than me.
On the odd occasions he isn't working he is asleep!

I feel sorry for him as he is genuinely working hard however I am starting to really really resent him as he is leaving everything else to me. I walk dog, do all housework, renovate house, deal with all money matters, make all decisions...everything. The only thing he does is iron his own suit. He does nothing in the house except occasionally cook with me and moans if I ask him to do anything in his 'free time'

Last night we had a huge row as I finished work at 9pm and he was asleep. I asked him if he had done anything I had asked (order a takeaway and strip bed) as I was exhausted and he blew up on me shouting and saying I was nagging him and he could sleep if he wanted. He asked why he should ever make tea or order food as he dosent care about it and he is not my personal chef.
I ended up doing everything anyway and the night ended with him telling me that he was too tired to do anything and he was sick of me bossing him around. If I didn't ask he wouldn't do anything.
We don't speak much due to him being too tired, he never thinks of me and never suprises me or does anything spontaneous without a push.

I'm not sure if I am unreasonable or not. Should one person do everything because the other has a more demanding job?
He thinks IABU as he works longer and earns more and if I am finished before him I should do it. He also argues that his weekends are for relaxing as he works most days and I have some weekends and time off.

How can I solve this problem or is it basically me or the job?

Sorry, that should say 'after school club'.

Difficult situation for you OP. I'm not saying ltb right now but bear in mind that now it's just a house together. If you have children and this is still how he behaves it will be so much harder.

If he doesn't want to/refuses to sort out food/laundry etc as he's not your personal chef then fine, sort yourself out only - as you are not his either. Same with laundry, don't pick up after him, and if the animals are not yours - tell him you don't have time to deal with them so if he doesn't pull his weight they'll need to be rehomed.

If he doesn't pull his weight - it's easier to extricate yourself from a house than from a marriage, house and kids altogether

Let's face it, a woman doing his job would still be doing housework, cooking and household organisation. What this job has uncovered is what was probably always the case, just not exposed to you, that he thinks he is more important than you because he is a bloke.

You might get him to lift a finger occasionally to "help" you but he's never going to be an equal partner because he just doesn't believe he should have to be. Most women seem just to put up with this. I don't and so would dump him.

I'd say first things first, it can be a very stressful time when you first move in together. You want it to be all romance and sweetness and long evenings cuddling or more on the sofa - and then you hit the brick wall of actually sharing a house - and housework...

You mention you were living with his parents. Has he been living with them a long time? Has he got used to things being done for him?

Sometimes it can be a bit of a shock to some people, realising how much needs doing around a house and home much less free time you have than when mum is doing it all for you. I'm not excusing it, because at his age he should have noticed some of the stuff that was being done, but it could be part of the answer.

So on that front I'd be tempted to have a calm conversation with him and point out that sorry, the house needs to be hoovered x times a week, the bathroom has to be done, the kitchen has to be wiped down every day, the sheets have to be changed, the ironing has to be done, the shopping has to be bought in, the garden needs mowing every now and again, the bins need bleaching sometimes, the fridge doesn't magically clean itself.... etc etc etc...

A reasonable person will finally wake up and think "fuck, I've been a bit of an idiot, I need to do much more." (And I say this from the perspective that OH and I took our time when we first moved in together to work out how much actually needed doing). And then you'll move forward as a couple and gradually work out how it suits you to run a house together.

Having said all of that... the hours would frustrate me, though it sounds like he is in at the deep end and it's really not the sort of job you can do a half-arsed attempt at. He needs to remember another common trap of moving in together - sure, you sleep in the same bed every night and that's lovely, but you actually do still need to spend quality time together, and that can be easy to forget when you're sharing a house. So he still needs to find time for you as a couple despite everything.

And it doesn't matter how long hours he works. Nothing about the housework changes. Honestly, if this was my OH the more effort he made when clearly knackered and doing a hellish job, the more slack I'd actually pick up. But the "not my problem" attitude wold need some serious discussion.

I am teacher.

There are periods in the year that are more demanding than others. My DH does pretty much everything in weeks like Parent Contact. But, I do everything in the holidays in return. I would advise you to get a cleaner. See how things are in the holidays.

Thanks everyone.

It's annoying but I wouldn't mind as much if he appreciated what I do but he has an attitude of 'well if you don't want to do X Y Z then don't' in an argument. If I don't do it then it won't get done and I know he wouldn't change his mind! He will do some thinks, for example he likes gardening but he point black refuses to see the point in some things like hoovering etc. I would happily do these jobs if he did others but I don't want to be responsible for them all!

The pets are shared but realistically the dog is more mine as he works with me and I take him most places with me but the cat was his choice and he has paid it so little attention that he comes to me now rather than him.

He has always lived at home and is very much a mummy's boy. His parents did a lot for him and to be honest are pretty messy/hoarders themselves so he probably thinks it is normal!

Sorry I'm just ranting now!

I think I would be hiring someone to finish the house for a start. You both work crazy hours no way would house renovation be my priority. Then I would see how you could make things easier on yourselves by hiring cleaning, dog walker ect so whe you do have time you can spend it together.

If he is a new teacher his work hours are going to be pretty awful for the first three years plus all the home prep work.

Oh dear you never noticed that his mother probably did all this until it was way too late.

Thankfully you are not married and you have no children. I would suggest you be really really careful to ensure no contraception failure right now!

It is not just the house stuff is it? Now that he thinks he has you where you can't escape he is happy to let his nastier side emerge. He is happy to shout at you and point at you. Please take careful note if the pointing changes to a fist or threatening behaviour.

Do you want to spend the next year like this? The next five? The next ten?

You need to be able to talk to him without his getting argumentative.

I would suggest you have a personal deadline of six months to a year. If nothing improves seriously consider disentangling your finances before you waste too much time or become too ground down to get away.

Oh. He doesn't see the need to do the hoovering? I don't think you have many options other than to move out and leave him to it. Hire someone to finish the renovation and put the house on the market. I don't think you can realistically build a life with someone who refuses to do the basics of keeping themselves fed, clothed and watered (let alone doing anything for anyone else). Sorry op

Seriously, his attitude is shit. He doesn't believe he has to do housework. He believes you are nagging him when you are asking him to pull his weight. There is no give and take is there?

Absolutely do not have children with this man. This will only get worse.

And then have a think about how long you want to spend with someone who is quite happy to watch you do the housework without lifting a finger and basically puts his job before his home Li. He doesn't have to. He has a choice. He can work hard and still devote time to his other responsibilities i.e. his partner and the house he lives in. He is showing you what he is like. Believe him.

Li??? Life that was supposed to say!

I don't think his hours are in any way exceptional for a professional career. And everyone else with a professional career somehow copes. Why not him?

This sounds doomed, really sorry but you sound so unhappy and he is being so difficult, I can't see how you'd get past it.

You must be so pissed off OP. Hope you can get him to grow up a bit. I'd seriously be using October half term as a measure of whether he is overworked or just lazy. And decide what to do from there.

Ok well yes, teachers do work hard, but I'm not sure that he can blame his behaviour on that. You say he's new to teaching and, as another poster suggested, this will take up a massive chunk of his time. I certainly don't think it's realistic to take on a house project at the same time as completing his first three years in teaching (at least) but that would be a personal choice.

You say that he's 'took on' a failing department - if he's a new teacher then this isn't an option for him. Is he head of department without any experience? Is he being paid for this role? What about mentoring? If this is the case then I'm not surprised he's working those hours and incapable of doing anything else, he's not trained to do the job. I think his union would need to step in.

So he's a mummy's boy who has never been house trained and now it's your job to do it?

Fuck that shit. Move to a place of your own. Take the dog and the cat because he'll only neglect them anyway and it isn't fair on them. Only consider moving back in with him when you are absolutely convinced that he is an independent functioning emotionally mature adult.

YANBU. At all. I work similar hours (not as a teacher) and I manage to pull my weight at home.

If I were you I would move out. He sounds a like he's got a bit of growing up to do.

YANBU..
You are absolutely right to be worrying about this.
I am now 17-18 years married and my DH works at least 10 hours a day and always has. At first I didn't mind so much as I was working hard too and we had enough money to pay for a cleaner etc. We were young free professionals with big spending power.
We now have four children and times have changed. I have come to do virtually everything involved in family life because he is at work and when he's at home he sleeps. I recognise your guilt - well, he's worked hard, he brings the money in, he needs time off etc, but believe me, he needs to be told early on in your marriage that his work is not a priority over your relationship. You need to feel loved, and taken care of. That's not to say he should do everything and you behave like a princess. It means you need to make sure that your set up is fairly shared and you both look after each other and care for the other.
I wish Mumsnet had been around when my married life started. In retrospect the warning signs were all there in my marriage, but I didn't recognise them for what they were. You, on the other hand, are noticing them in your early days and there is time to do something.

My DH and I are still married, but the marriage has not turned out the way I thought it would. We lead more separate lives than we probably thought we ever would. We did not get to grips with problems of imbalance in our marriage when they first raised their heads. We simply avoided confrontations for a quiet life. The longer I have left it, the more those resentments have festered. We allowed sex to drift too much as well.

Please, like others say, do not contemplate children at this point. If you think you do everything now, wait till they come and then you will never find the right moment to stand up for yourself the way you need to now.

Very good luck. I have not posted on Mumsnet for many months, but your post struck such a chord with me, I just had to reply!

Pfft. That's difficult. He sounds a bit like my DH and we're kind of in a similar position. DH and I both work in demanding and stressful jobs but I don't have to do anything outside of work and my hours are pretty much set whereas his aren't and he often has to work unsociable hours. As a result, DH pretty much left everything organisational and general house stuff to me and I got pretty irritated with it.

I did sit down with him a couple of years ago and explain that we both worked and it wasn't acceptable to expect me to always be the one to organise stuff or take time off for deliveries/work on the house. He's a lot better now though occasionally I have to remind him.

Listen to Pukkapik. This needs to be sorted out now, completely, or the relationship has to end. I know that sounds very doom and gloom but essentially a relationship is all about working together and if, this early on, he is basically suiting himself and telling you to suck it up then what he's saying is "I'm not interested in working with you, I expect you to just stick around and put up with whatever I dish out to you."

If you stay, and don't sort this out, be aware that in ten years' time you might well be sitting with two/three small children facing a house that's entirely your responsibility, exhausted with a "partner" who couldn't care less.

These things need to be sorted out. They are not trivial.