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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not cope well with my depressed DH

31 replies

StarShank · 04/10/2014 13:23

When he is down I am terrified he is going to kill himself. He is snappy and quiet and just wants to talk and talk about how shit everything is, never leaves the sofa and just eats take away.

I listen, I validate him and gently point out things that he saying that are really negative and skewed E.g. "I have no friends" when actually he has loads. I keep the house decent, I cook healthy meals, I try not to freak out and beg him not to die, I encourage him to talk to his gp and therapist. I try and encourage him out of the house.

I try and look after myself by keeping busy and eating well, sleeping OK, talking to my therapist and friends, etc.

What else can I be doing? I'm just utterly terrified and I feel lost and alone and it drags me down. Maybe it is more about accepting the situation than doing anything more?

Idk. I reckon some of you guys will have been in this situation.... Am I doing anything wrong? What else can I be doing?

Thanks everyone.

OP posts:

Nulliferous · 04/10/2014 13:25

Hmm. Tricky. Is he depressed? What treatment regime is he under?

Or is he just a selfish arse? Can be difficult to tell, sometimes.

Do you have DC living at home? If not, I'd suggest you take yourself off for a lovely holiday some 'respite'.

juneau · 04/10/2014 13:30

What else can you do? Nothing, by the sound of it. Is he taking meds? It sounds like he should be and if he's not then I'd say the one thing you can do is drag him to his GP to get some. What a rotten situation for you both.

I fucking hate depression. Its miserable for the person experiencing it, but its fucking horrible for their family too. I have two depressives in my family and I'm always worried that one of them is going to kill themselves. At the same time they are miserable as sin to be around, bring everyone else down, and are utterly self-absorbed, just going round and round the same old problems, but without any energy or motivation to make the necessary changes. for you.

juneau · 04/10/2014 13:32

P.S. One other thing I will say is that as well as sympathising and being kind you need to be firm. Depressives love to sit and wallow (IME), and love nothing more than a listening ear to validate all their whines and moans. By all means be sympathetic, but he's an adult and a husband and a father and he also needs to take steps to make himself better. Sitting on the sofa eating and whining is not acceptable.

mrspremise · 04/10/2014 13:38

Nulliferous I cannot believe that you suggested that a man who is depressed might be "just a selfish arse". That is so unhelpful to anyone living through the nightmare of depression, whether as a sufferer themselves or as someone confronted with the suffering of a loved one. Would you suggest that someone with cancer might be "just a selfish arse"?

redexpat · 04/10/2014 13:39

There was a thread almost identical to this one yesterday, with lots of great advice and support.

Here

sanfairyanne · 04/10/2014 13:39

there is a support thread on here somewhere for partners. i will try to link later

mrspremise · 04/10/2014 13:40

and for you, OP, I know it's hard and thankless. Maybe get to the Dr's and see if ends or therapy need adjusting? Depression is very much a movable feast, as it were, and things that have been helping can stop working for seemingly no reason.

DogCalledRudis · 04/10/2014 13:44

Does he see a doctor? Get any medication? Because depression is a PHYSICAL condition.

Montegomongoose · 04/10/2014 13:45

Or is he just a selfish arse? Can be difficult to tell, sometimes

God almighty.

Please, do some reading and educate yourself on the difference. Not difficult, plenty of resources out there, some of them use very simple language.

And please, if you know anyone with depression, stay far away from them.

Gruntfuttock · 04/10/2014 13:52

I'm truly shocked at Nulliferous's post. Practically speechless in fact.
Thank goodness may husband doesn't think like that, or I wouldn't be here now.

Celestria · 04/10/2014 13:55

Wallow? Whines and moans? Anyone in a severe depressive episode does not wallow, whine or moan. They are often paralysed by their own thoughts and unable to believe they will ever get better.

Op I have a breakdown at the start of the year. I am now dealing with my dp having a breakdown. Medication is massively important to help control the thoughts before they can be taught how to self manage.

If he is on meds and there is no sign of improvement you can help by getting him back to the gp. My dp spent a few week in hospital after an attempt on his life. I am trying to keep life as settled and secure as I can for him. Making sure he is taking his meds and listening to him talk when he needs to. I'm constantly reminding him he will get better and having had his experience I am able to help him understand what he is going through.

Other than that it takes time. Pointing out achievements no matter how small. It is hard though to not feel bed yourself so also taking time out for you will help too.

Montegomongoose · 04/10/2014 13:57

Grunt sadly, that kind of ignorant casual stupidity is all too common.

to you, the OP and anyone else struggling with this awful illness.

Lottapianos · 04/10/2014 14:00

I suffer from depression and so does my DP so I have seen both sides. The urge to talk and talk and talk about negative stuff can be very powerful and is extremely hard to listen to when the person isn't actually trying to change anything in their life.

I'm glad you have a therapist and that you are taking good care of yourself OP. That's extremely important. Its exhausting being depressed but its exhausting being around it too so you need to look after your own health, physical and mental. It sounds like you are very supportive of him. I wish I could give you more advice.

Nulliferous, there is just no excuse for making such ignorant comments anymore. I suggest you try to learn a bit more about depression - you may not know it but I'm sure you do know someone with depression and comments like that are less than helpful.

DogCalledRudis · 04/10/2014 14:05

If it is clinical depression, it won't help "talking about it", he needs medication

Gruntfuttock · 04/10/2014 14:05

Op, is there anywhere you and he can go for a long walk everyday? It may help to lift his mood, even if only slightly and temporarily. Itend not want to stay in all the time, but I do feel better if my daughter and I go for a walk somewhere 'natural' i.e. not parks or streets, but woods and fields if possible.

Gruntfuttock · 04/10/2014 14:06

I meant to type "I tend to want to stay in all the time ...etc"

Kundry · 04/10/2014 14:09

Claiming to be depressed is a great tool of the selfish arse to get their partner to wait on them hand and foot. It is worthwhile taking a moment to consider what your partner is - give away signs are usually saying they are depressed so can't work (but can do other things they find enjoyable - you obviously have to work) but refusing to see their GP or a counsellor under any circumstances.

Depression totally is a physical illness but sadly it's one you can fake quite easily if you happen to be a manipulative git.

There is also no denying that a depressed person can be very difficult to live with. A partner can end up pretending they have no feelings at all as they are consumed in supporting the depressed person and worrying in case they are upset.

Maybe the best thing you can do is realise that you can't fix another person. You can care about them but ultimately they have to fix themselves with medication, counselling or whatever. But you can't do it for them.

googoodolly · 04/10/2014 14:10

OP, it is hard.

What treatment is your DH under? Anti-depressants, therapy, CBT? He needs a mixture of treatment, it's very rare that one particular style will help someone. You're doing great encouraging him out of the house - even if it's just to the shop or a walk around the block, exercise and fresh air can REALLY help depression.

Make sure you keep looking after yourself and ensure your DH is getting all the help he can. If he's in regular therapy, I would really recommend CBT. It tackles how you think about situations and helps you react differently to things. I was in CBT for six months and it helped MASSIVELY. I say this as someone who struggled with depression for years, and it's only a mixture of CBT and meds which has made a real difference.

Stay strong, it sounds like you're doing great.

Kundry · 04/10/2014 14:13

I've also had severe depression. Yes at the very severe end I barely moved or spoke but there is a phase where you can talk for Britain about how miserable you are without actually resolving anything or acknowledging that there is another person in the room who might like to talk about something else. It drove my family mad and didn't really help me.

Nulliferous · 04/10/2014 14:37

Blimey, the righteous sisters are out in force today.

Have another read, thickos.

He might be depressed, yes. Or he might be a selfish arse.

I know which is more likely...

Nulliferous · 04/10/2014 14:39

'Educate yourself about depression'.

Why don't some of you educate yourself about selfish men? Bit touchy because you've all got one at home?

Oldraver · 04/10/2014 14:45

He might be depressed AND a selfish arse.

Depressed people rarely realise just how selfish their behaviour can appear to others.

Doingakatereddy · 04/10/2014 15:01

I'm with oldraver on this one, you can depressed & selfish.

Back to OP's point, sadly sometimes there is nothing else you can do. Try as you may, nothing can pull a person from depression apart from themselves.

It's important you look after yourself & remember your feelings are relevant, as Depression can tend to dominate the landscape of a relationship.

Have a look at some support groups & hang on in there

batgirl1984 · 04/10/2014 15:21

I'm coming at this from the other side. About 8 years ago I was badly depressed. I really struggled with making decisions. With the encouragement of my husband and parents I quit my high pressure job and did some temping. My husband worked away during the week as he was offered more money to do so, and my income was v low. After 4 months of this I tried to kill myself. As I recovered he has asked several times if he did the wrong thing by working away. I've had to explain to him that how I felt was due to my illness, and even though we love each other, it wasn't something that he had control over. He couldn't cure me. He could and did support my recovery, making sure I was receiving decent medical care, encouraging me to go to church (I'm Christian, he isn't) and when I found a sports team to join, encouraging that. As others have said, exercise does help. A team helped me because its a commitment to others who ai didn't want to let down.
It sounds awful to put it like tho, but you may need to detatch a little bit to cope with the awfulness your dp is going through. Give yourself permission to enjoy certain things alone, because you are well enough to.

Original poster

StarShank · 04/10/2014 15:50

He is depressed, no doubt about that. In terms of being selfish... I think depression can make you a bit selfish sometimes and that is just part of depression.

He has tried all the meds (not even joking) and they just made him worse to the point that ect was suggested. He also has aspergers and the DR's think that is the main reason why he does not respond to medication.
He gets a mix of treatment approaches including mindfulness and CBT from an experienced psychologist but unfortunately there is a limited amount of sessions :(

I think detaching myself a bit is a good idea. Being there for him and supporting him but trying to take a step back and keep reminding myself that I can't really help him and I need to keep looking after myself too.

Depression is such a horrible illness. I'm so glad I've not got it.

I would disagree though that depression is a physical illness, yes there are biological changes in the brain but you can't argue a cause and effect relationship, nor can you say for sure whether the cause is nature or nurture.

OP posts:

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