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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To confiscate DS2's laptop, XBox, iPad and phone?

39 replies

violetsareblue11 · 04/10/2014 12:58

So, last night, I went upstairs to DS2's bedroom to say goodnight, and discovered he was on his laptop, watching none other than Game of Thrones on his laptop, on one of those illegal movie and TV show downloading sites! I was absolutely outraged! He's 11 years old! I then took his laptop, iPad, XBox and mobile phone off him and have hidden them away in the attic. DS2, as predicted, was angry about this and shouted at DH and I, and told us we were being unfair. I don't think we are. I feel like an awful parent for allowing to get away with watching such an inappropriate show (he has managed to watch seasons one and two under mine and DH's nose!) and I'm ridden with guilt now, knowing he's seen sights 11 year old boys shouldn't be seeing. Also feel as though the bond of trust between DS2 and me has been broken. I don't know how to handle it, and how long to hide his tech gear away from him . Has anyone else had to deal with incidents like this? If so, what did you do? And most importantly, AIBU? I don't want it to ever happen again! Thank for any advice in advance!

OP posts:
amyhamster · 04/10/2014 13:03

:(
You've done the right thing
An 11 year old shouldn't be watching anything you haven't allowed IMO
I'd have everything downstairs in the family room
No tv iPad, xbox , laptop in his room
It's a lot of technology for an 11 year old
What will you buy him in his teen years?!!

LadyLuck10 · 04/10/2014 13:07

Yanbu, he has an awful lot of technology for 11 years old.
Shouting at you is very disrespectful. I would stamp out that behaviour right now.

PrettyPictures92 · 04/10/2014 13:14

I've read the got books but not seen the show so I'm not sure how inappropriate it is. I think it's a bit of an over reaction to be guilt ridden that he's watched something you didn't want him to see, it wasn't your fault as you didn't know. So long as it's not psychologically scarring him or something then there isn't much to be feeling guilty about.

Saying that, I've not seen the show so i really can't offer much in advice that way. If he's gone behind your back and done it deliberately then yes, taking away his tech is the right thing to do. It seems an awful lot of tech for an 11 year to have anyway. Set time limits he's allowed to be on for and put child locks on things, hope this helps :)

googoodolly · 04/10/2014 13:16

I'd be questioning why he has unsupervised, unrestricted internet access at eleven, to be honest. If he has unlimited access and you're not supervising him, you can't really be angry with him for exploring.

He needs restrictions and boundaries at that age - he's still a child. Internet access downstairs where you can see it, restrict what he can/cannot access and make sure he can't get online on his phone either.

Why is he allowed unsupervised access in his room at such a young age? My parents had a rule - either use the PC in the computer room (when such things existed!) or laptops used downstairs until I was fourteen or so, then I got more privacy.

An 11 year old shouldn't have all that unlimited access. It's too much to expect them to control themselves at that age.

rallytog1 · 04/10/2014 13:18

YANBU but an 11yo really shouldn't have all that stuff in their bedroom.

Fannydabbydozey · 04/10/2014 13:24

Mine get anything with internet access and their gaming machines restricted to family areas and it's all taken off them at bed time (9 &11) You need to start enforcing these type of boundaries.

Have you any parental controls activated? I've done mine at the source and they are SO restricted I can't even search things in Essex or Sussex! So glad I rarely need to know what is in Scunthorpe... It may be worth seeing if you can do that... A well as changing the wifi password and only letting him have timed access.

You've done the right thing. Now you have to be the bad guy and follow through with enforcing age related boundaries.

DownByTheRiverside · 04/10/2014 13:25

GOT is a bit raunchy but not the problem that I'd have been facing if he was heavily into one of the many free porn sites that he could have been watching. He's 11, he needs parenting effectively. Which means you know what he's able to access and you have conversations with him about what and why.
Parents deal with this sort of thing every day, and with all ages.
Frothing at the mouth and trying to fit the tech equivelent of a chastity belt is the least effective way of getting him to understand what your rules are and why they exist.He's probably more IT aware and skilled than you are, so if you are going to guide him through the maze of adolescence then you need to work out a reasonable relationship and use that to put in boundaries. Or he'll find other ways around you and you won't have a clue.

ChippingInLatteLover · 04/10/2014 13:26

I haven't seen it so I don't know how bad it is? Is it really that bad? Sexual or violent or ?

DownByTheRiverside · 04/10/2014 13:29

Think swords, sorcery and quite a lot of nudity and fur.
Not ideal viewing for 11 by a long chalk, but better than redtube and other sites he could encounter if he's wandering freely around the net on one of his many devices.
More parental supervision, some good suggestions have been made about access in shared areas of the house.

googoodolly · 04/10/2014 13:30

GoT is absolutely innaproppriate for an 11 year old, yes. Incest, violence, sex - all of it included in the first episode alone! I love it, but it's not suitable for kids. Maybe 15/16 year olds, though.

PastorOfMuppets · 04/10/2014 13:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DownByTheRiverside · 04/10/2014 13:35

I wonder what other shows he's been watching? Or games like COD and the rest.
Are you going to ground him from visiting friends as well?

Pyjamaramadrama · 04/10/2014 13:38

Surely the problem here is the fact that at 11 he has so many expensive gadgets and unsupervised access to the Internet.

Or am I missing the point?

Original poster
violetsareblue11 · 04/10/2014 13:39

Okay, okay, I'll admit he has a lot of tech gear- however, the iPad and XBox are items he shares with DS1 and DD but, DS1 is at boarding school, and DD only uses the iPad for playing some horse riding simulation game, so DS2 has it all to himself really. Got DS2 a laptop at the start of the autumn term to help him to do his homework (he seemed to get an influx of homework at the start of term and it's all online and on MyMaths and the like) and it's a specially adapted one as he's dyslexic, and with it being new and DH and I being not the slightest tech savvy, weren't aware how to set parental controls, but probably trusted DS2 too much with the laptop! Must get my very tech savvy BIL on the case and set up these controls. And the mobile phone doesn't need explaining, it's just an old Nokia he uses to contact home and friends and for safety now he's becoming more independent. Thanks for the tips, I've been unbelievably naïve in terms of technology! Didn't realise there was so much out there but now I do, I'll have to much more careful! Anyone know which broadband company has the best parental control system, or are they all the same in terms of how efficient? Also, I wouldn't want it to block out sites like YouTube, as DS2 uses to watch science and maths videos to help hi revise (he's a very visual learner, being dyslexic) so what sort of things would the parental controls block out? Would me and DH have control over it?

OP posts:
CaptainAnkles · 04/10/2014 13:40

My 12yo has all gadgets taken away at 9.30pm and gets them back whenever appropriate the next day. If I left any of them in his room he would stay up all night playing on them. I wouldn't be happy with him watching GoT either.

Pyjamaramadrama · 04/10/2014 13:43

And also, why is he playing in the laptop in his bed before sleep? Electronic gadgets kill the sleep hormone and aren't appropriate before bed.

I think you need to set some boundaries and house rules. Get some filters set so that he can't access inappropriate stuff.

Laptop, phone and iPad stay out of the bedroom. Times and limits on when he is and isn't allowed to use them. Such as an hour after school once he's done his homework, and Xbox only on weekends.

WittyUsername102 · 04/10/2014 13:43

My DDs watched this at 12 and 13, as did many of their school friends... did you specifically give him rules of what/what not to do? Because if you did then I think YANBU but if you didn't and just assumed he wouldn't then I think YAB a bit U.

SageSeymour · 04/10/2014 13:44

Complete over reaction. You should be supervising this stuff better

YouTheCat · 04/10/2014 13:44

Setting up parental controls is very easy. There really isn't much excuse for not having done it in the first place.

Pyjamaramadrama · 04/10/2014 13:45

And he won't be scarred for life. So don't worry about that, but yes, supervise him in future.

Mariposa10 · 04/10/2014 13:48

I also think you need to have a talk with him about the sort of things he may have been watching, if you haven't already. These illegal download sites have constant pop up links to porn and hook up sites and I would be surprised if he hasn't ventured outside of a bit of gratuitous nudity on Game of thrones. Not to mention violent videos of things like executions which would be quite shocking for an 11 year old. You can't police him 24 hours a day but if he's been exposed to this stuff he needs a sensible adult telling him that a lot of this content should be avoided and that it doesn't reflect real life etc at the least I would think.

DownByTheRiverside · 04/10/2014 13:51

And as I said, you are not alone. At any one moment there are thousands of parents who are fretting and worried about what their children are able to do online and who don't know how to stop them.

Original poster
violetsareblue11 · 04/10/2014 14:17

Thanks for the advice everyone! I definitely do have household rules, they're not draconian, but not liberal either. When I come to say goodnight, at 8:30PM, every night, I take his laptop and ancient Nokia mobile off him. I don't believe I am a bad parent, all parents make mistakes, and in the end I think those mistakes make you a better parent, and DH and I have made a mistake here in trusting an 11 year old boy with his new laptop (in hindsight, we have been so naïve!). But from now on, we'll be having parental controls installed tomorrow by the BIL and implement stricter rules on when DS2 can have his laptop. Also, DH and I ran through his computer history yesterday and discovered the only sites he's been on since we bought him the laptop this September have been the RSPB site, this illegal movie and TV sites and his Skype and email accounts. No strange porn sites or inappropriate gaming sites (thank God). Glad I've had some great advice from you all about parental controls, now I know he won't lay eyes on any of those unsavoury sites ever, well, at least until he becomes an adult and has his own computer, in which case I hope he still won't! I think I'll take this thread down now, don't really want it being reanimated in six months time and getting chastised again! Thanks all!

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 04/10/2014 14:25

I am assuming you have anti-virus and anti-spyware software installed?

If not, remember to add that to the list for BiL (he'll probably have to do a thorough clean-up)

Flyawaylittlebutterfly · 04/10/2014 14:35

You're very lucky if that's the worst he was exposed to. Thankfully he wasn't watching real life beheadings, explicit porn, violent porn and worse. Parental controls are helpful but kids can be tech savvy enough to get around them, he should only be using the internet in a family part of the home where he knows there is a parent there or a parent who will be walking in and out. He needs supervision.