Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my DH to grow a f@&@ing back bone?!??

74 replies

Babycino81 · 03/10/2014 21:48

Not to drip feed. Some issues with PILs since DD was born a year ago re: them interfering and being controlling. Decided to move on from this and start afresh although I would have preferred we talked about it but hasn't happened so that is that.

PILs desperately want to look after DD when I returned to work which I was not happy with but he care was split between them and my mum and nursery which resulted in them looking after DD for two days a fortnight.

DH and I stick to the nursery routine for DD's mealtimes as it has worked well for us etc.

Yesterday PILs were told what times to feed her etc etc and I left the food available so they only needed to heat it. Came home to find DD hadn't been given any dinner and it was three hours after she should have eaten. I was to she's had snacks etc. consequently, DD was like an antichrist she was so hungry and didn't end up going to bed til 9.
This morning, before I left I made it painfully clear to the point of being a bit curt what times she needed to bed fed. Came home this evening to same situation.

DH has said we need to 'persist' with PILs. AIBU to think he needs to grow a pair and tell them if they want to look after her to feed the child? I'm happy to put her into nursery and/or ask my mum but persist? Wtf???

DH works away so now muffins here is left to pick up the shit. I am livid

OP posts:
wooooosualsuspect · 03/10/2014 22:44

What was the reason though?

Gileswithachainsaw · 03/10/2014 22:44

OMG how fucking difficult is it to zap a dinner. Ffs they are clearly incapable of finding their arse with both hands. Don't waste your time stick her in the nursery full time. They clearly don't t give a crap about anything but proving their point they know better.

Gileswithachainsaw · 03/10/2014 22:45

And dh should back you up Thanks

DioneTheDiabolist · 03/10/2014 22:45

Did they not notice the child screaming with hunger?Confused

wooooosualsuspect · 03/10/2014 22:50

I'm a little confused by this thread.

Why didn't they give her any dinner?

Hakluyt · 03/10/2014 22:53

Need more details.

Finola1step · 03/10/2014 23:02

I'm also confused. They didn't give her the dinner you prepared and no other food? Or they have given her other food/ snacks throughout the day so that she wasn't hungry?

I wonder if this is more about your PILs not wanting to feed her the food that you have prepared and offering your dd all sorts of snacks to fill her up. Because then it's their choices and not yours IYSWIM.

Whatever the scenario, the childcare situation is clearly not going to work. I would be emailing nursery over the weekend and trying to fix something pronto. If your dh won't take the bull by the horns, you will have to.

Hakluyt · 03/10/2014 23:05

Sad if a child has to go to nursery instead of being looked after by loving family because of some sort of silly misunderstanding. As usual, Mumsnetters pile in to bash pils.

Original poster
Babycino81 · 03/10/2014 23:07

They said she's had yoghurts, fruit etc but despite telling them firmly and repeatedly they said she's had plenty to eat. As for me growing a back bone, I have no problem with
Telling them exactly what they've done and they won't be looking after my child, however this will ultimately result in total breakdown between PiLs and me and inevitably a massive problem for me and DH, hence why he should grow a set and deal with it. Clearly he's not going to so roll on the fall out.

OP posts:
Hakluyt · 03/10/2014 23:08

Was she crying when you got in?

wooooosualsuspect · 03/10/2014 23:09

Well maybe she did have plenty to eat.

Original poster
Babycino81 · 03/10/2014 23:11

I wish she had plenty to eat but she wolfed down her dinner and milk and then some of mine and she was upset and cranky when I got back. To be honest this thread has made me realise things haven't really been put to bed with PIL so I'll have to sort it out myself

OP posts:
Ohhelpohnoitsa · 03/10/2014 23:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wooooosualsuspect · 03/10/2014 23:13

I think that's your real problem You never wanted her grandparents to look after her in the first place.

DioneTheDiabolist · 03/10/2014 23:18

Babychino, you're right, the earlier issues have not been sorted. Please resolve them because it is really in your DDs interests for you and her GPs to get along. And unless they are abusive or neglectful, it would be best for her to have her 2 days a fortnight with them.

Good luck.Smile

Bulbasaur · 03/10/2014 23:27

Yeah, they can't starve her. Hmm

I can understand not sticking to a rigid schedule and going on a loose ball park for when things need to be done, but 3 hours is ridiculous.

You might have to lay down the law yourself and give them a very reasonable ultimatum: feed the damn kid or don't watch her.

CrapBag · 03/10/2014 23:32

Good luck.

Does your DH really want to leave his dd hungry just to let his parents look after her? If they could give her snack stuff, why the hell couldn't they give her her meal? Is this an example of their trying to exert some control?

Jux · 04/10/2014 00:11

My MIL was like this, and my dh was like yours. I would get home from work to screaming child, dirty nappy etc. I used to batch cook at the weekends, and freeze purees for dd. MIL would throw whatever I'd left out for dd away, and give her crap from jars. It infuriated me as dd hated the jars and wouldn't eat them; MIL would tell me "she didn't like her lunch so she didn't eat much". I'd find a jar 1/4 gone and the food I'd made in the bin.

It did result in a total breakdown between me and MIL (lots of other things going on too), and it is fair to say that if I hadn't been really ill for many years at that time, I would probably have divorced dh around then too.

AcrossthePond55 · 04/10/2014 00:12

I think I'd just quietly add the extra nursery days. Nothing will come of making a big stink with PiL. They'll just get huffy. I'd just tell them that you (BOTH of you) have decided to increase DD's days at nursery.

Seriously, you even sent the food with her! How hard would it have been to heat it up and feed her, even if it was earlier than your schedule. Just as easy as giving her a yoghurt and fruit, right? At least then her 'snack' would have been more filling!

PiperIsOrange · 04/10/2014 00:31

I pay MIL to have our DC and my rule is when it for when I need you have them respect my rules but then when you want to have them, then go grand mother mode.

Mil is great and she is better than me, but when she offered that was the terms.

WilburIsSomePig · 04/10/2014 07:35

I had similar issues with my PIL when DS was little. They pretty much bulldozed me into letting them look after him two days a week and we had these issues with food because MIL thought her way was better. After a couple of weeks of polite conversations about it I thanked them but that it wasn't working out as I wanted and that I'd made other arrangements (I'd already told them I would but it continued). MIL didn't believe me. When they came to watch him next time I'd already dropped him at nursery and gone to work. She understood that I meant what I said (I was never rude or unpleasant about it, just stated the facts) and asked if I would please reconsider. We had no problems after that. But it was down to me. DH has never stood up to his mum, its ridiculous.

Inertia · 04/10/2014 09:35

Your baby is going hungry.

Sorting that put takes precedence over worrying about upsetting people's feelings.

Your h clearly isn't going to deal with the situation so you have to.

TeaAndALemonTart · 04/10/2014 09:39

I don't think this is really about her food.

GreenPetal94 · 04/10/2014 09:44

What is the meal time? Is it like 4pm for supper or something. I think older people have fixed ideas about when meals should be.

With babies I think my PIL didn't do as I said to sort of be one up on us if you see what I mean. But they live further away.

If you can afford childcare you could use that or you could call a meeting with PIL to discuss the options. Do they REALLY want to look after your baby?

LittleBairn · 04/10/2014 09:46

YANBU She's had her chance doing it for the second time is inexcusable I wouldn't allow your DD to go back to her.