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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off at MIL?

32 replies

cheekymonk · 03/10/2014 20:58

Hi there. Dh and I have been married 12 years. I knew that he was suspected of having Autism when younger but both dh and Mil clearly didn't want to talk about it so have left it. Ds aged 3 has severe speech delay and I wanted to get her tested for asd. In talking to mil tonight she tells me dh was diagnosed with mild autism and a specific speech disorder!!! Dh looked surprised when I asked so was clearly news to him :(if I had known this I would have pushed harder for ds sooner

OP posts:
DamnBamboo · 03/10/2014 20:59

What is the AIBU?

Original poster
cheekymonk · 03/10/2014 20:59

Dd sooner I meant. I feel so cross and so sorry for my dh who seems totally unfazed! Aibu?

OP posts:
DamnBamboo · 03/10/2014 21:02

There are many reasons he may have a speech delay. Irrespective of his dad's condition, if he is delayed, it's always worth getting it looked into. I would put the wheels in motion from now.

Original poster
cheekymonk · 03/10/2014 21:04

There is already a lot in motion, have a paed appt soon etc it's just it may have helped get things moving sooner Hmm

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 03/10/2014 21:04

I think you're being a bit unreasonable. You don't have a right to that information and just because your husband received a diagnosis when he was younger doesn't really have a bearing on your child's diagnosis, does it? Your MIL is the mother of your husband, she has the absolute right to disclose or not disclose and it's none of your business.

I get that you're worried but really, what difference would it have made if you'd known? You wouldn't get your child tested 'just because', surely? You have the diagnosis now and presumably, as soon as you had an inkling, you sought that.

DamnBamboo · 03/10/2014 21:06

There is already a lot in motion, have a paed appt soon etc it's just it may have helped get things moving sooner Hmm

What is the hmm for? Just get on with it and deal with it as is. There isn't a lot they can do when they're very little, if you want them to assess him based on speech alone. I think YABU.

Original poster
cheekymonk · 03/10/2014 21:09

But she kept it from dh too! I think it's a big deal and just do feel aggrieved Hmm

OP posts:
DamnBamboo · 03/10/2014 21:11

So how are you supporting your DH in all of this?

LadyLuck10 · 03/10/2014 21:14

Ok so she kept this from your DH and you. It's for your DH to deal with this information with her, not for you to feel aggrieved and have an issue with her. You are dealing with your DS issues now, so just focus on that.

Bambambini · 03/10/2014 21:16

I think YABU. I don't really see what she has done wrong. I'm surprised he was diagnosed back then, especially if it was mild. Maybe she thought she was protecting him! Maybe she thought the diagnosis was wrong. I had never heard of autism when I was a child.

scarletforya · 03/10/2014 21:19

Yanbu.

It was wrong of your mail to conceal a diagnosis from your DH. Autism is genetic and your DH is an adult with a dc, of course mil should have disclosed it.

scarletforya · 03/10/2014 21:20

mail=mil

Original poster
cheekymonk · 03/10/2014 21:20

I have tried to talk to dh about it, asked him how he feels etc but not much to say really...

OP posts:
blanketyblank100 · 03/10/2014 21:20

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe
You clearly don't know what you're talking about. If there are concerns and a family history, you would most certainly push harder and get tested sooner. This is why medical professionals ask immediately about family history.

OP, I don't think you're being unreasonable to feel your MIL should have disclosed this earlier - particularly to her son. But it's possibly something that she hasn't allowed herself to think about in years. She may well share LyingWitchInTheWardrobe's lack of understanding and not have thought it was significant. But it sucks, I'm sorry :(

JADS · 03/10/2014 21:21

I think you are being a bit unreasonable, but with ASD early diagnosis and treatment can really help.

My mil and mum are exactly the same with regards to hiding medical conditions. My dm has a rare condition which can be inherited although not always. My ds has one of the classic physical signs of the condition. I tried to ask her about her medical history, but was utterly dismissed by her saying "well you don't have it, so ds can't have it either". Thanks mum, but it doesn't always work that way. Fortunately the paed took my concerns more seriously.

Speech delays are so frustrating Flowers

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 03/10/2014 21:22

Some people think that if they ignore a problem they can overcome it. They're not wrong to think that. Your MIL made the choice for her family and it was hers to make.

Your husband doesn't appear to be concerned about it but no doubt, if he thinks he needs a conversation, he will have one - with his mother.

You can think it's a big deal if you want to; you're treating your own child accordingly and you have the right to do that. Leap forward twenty years and think how you'd feel if your child's partner would be aggrieved at you for your choices?

Original poster
cheekymonk · 03/10/2014 21:25

Thanks blankety blank. That's what I mean. It adds much more weight to it and I think it's very significant. Maybe dd has inherited some traits? I feel I need to seriously brush up on my knowledge of autism. Mil was also very anti dd going to a sn school and told me to push for mainstream. Salt told me sn school may be needed...

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 03/10/2014 21:27

blank... this isn't a life threatening condition nor is it likely to pose one later on. OP is entitled to feel as she does, nobody can help their feelings.

MrsPiggie · 03/10/2014 21:42

Yab a bit U. Surely you put the process in motion as soon as you became aware of his speech problems? It's not like all children inherit speech delay from their parents, so what would you have done if you knew? In any case, both you and your DH already knew your DH may have had autism, if you were really worried you should have asked your Mil directly. Even if he was never diagnosed it could have rang alarm bells, since 20-30 years ago there was no such rush to put a diagnosis of autism as there is nowadays. But I am a bit surprised that it took you so long to find out when your dh has started talking,
both my and dhs families revelled in comparing our DCs development with ours, our siblings, our second cousins', our third cousin's once removed DCs.
Just relax and do your best, if anything, I would feel relieved to know that there may be a genetic reason for his speech delay (I presume his dad is OK now?), rather than worry about all the other possible causes.
Good luck with DS!

blanketyblank100 · 03/10/2014 21:50

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe I don't see how it is relevant that the condition isn't life-threatening. Thank goodness autism isn't but it does have the potential to profoundly change the course of a life and early intervention is key. Perhaps a woman of MIL's vintage wouldn't be aware of that. I agree that she would probably have come to a different conclusion if the condition was life threatening. I understand that and think the OP will do as well when the shock wears off.

aprilanne · 03/10/2014 21:54

hi op .i understand your frustration .my hubby was diagnosed after our son .our son when he was eight my hubby in his 40,s .and it was because my hubby had a mental health breakdown .bipolar .and when his consultant realised our son on spectrum .he decided to test hubby .because a significant amount of autistic people develope bipolar later on . i thought my hubby just unsociable /quirky /plain bloody rude ..but maybe if MIL had said earlier it would have helped you .but hopefully things get seen to soon .

Mrsgrumble · 03/10/2014 22:01

I actually don't think yabu at all!! I would be furious. Wrong of mil to hold this information back. I would be really concerned.

MollyHooper · 03/10/2014 22:27

Have you spoken to her about getting your DD assessed before?

There is a chance she didn't want to throw any 'labels' around too soon, some parents can get quite defensive about these things and your DD is quite young.

If she is otherwise being supportive and caring I would let this one go.

Original poster
cheekymonk · 04/10/2014 15:33

She lives miles away and we all have little contact really. When I have brought it up before guessing my dhs traits for myself the issue was sept under the carpet and she was clearly angry with me for bringing it up. Thanks for the input everyone. As for how I would feel about future dil feeling aggrieved with me I just wouldn't have dealt with it the same way. I don't believe in secrets and ignoring problems.

OP posts:
Catgotyourbrain · 04/10/2014 16:12

YANBU.

I think your DH should have been told. I think if he had known he perhaps should have told you.

I have a DS who is 8 and its only now that I have realised that my DP thought he was normal all this time because that's how he was! I think I have held off asking for a referral because of this. We had a big assessment this week and I found him displaying his own behaviour really obviously by playing down DSs symptoms in the meeting, and not picking up on what they were asking and going off into his own anecdotes. I am so angry with myself as I didn't want us to look in conflict and now I haven't explained a lot of DSs behaviours properly.