To wonder what I've done wrong?

[JustAMumDoingHerBest]

My DD is 23 and although between the ages of 16-18 she attended college, she never went to university. She has worked full time in dead end jobs, mostly catering and retail, since leaving college. Although for the past six months or so she's only be working 20 hours a week as that's all she can get. She says she wants another job, a full time one, but tbh I'm not even sure she's trying hard enough to get one. She has had a couple of interviews though and makes an effort for those.

She has also never left home.

I feel like a failure because DD has always been unsociable, very quiet and solemn. When she was a child we just assumed she was shy and that she would grow out of it and get more confidence as she got older but that never happened.

She's never really had friends and doesn't have any at all right now and hasn't for years. She never goes out drinking or socialising, she's not a member of any club or society or anything like that.

She's does have an interest in animals though, especially small ones, which tbh is weird. She has a pet hamster and two rabbits and nearly most of her pay goes towards her pets, food, toys, treats, etc. The rest of her pay mostly goes on books and when she's not spending time with her animals you'll probably find her sitting alone reading.

She gets a bit obsessive over her pets tbh. She's constantly reasearching and finding out more about whatever pet she has. She's a member of forums dedicated to them and likes to talk about them on there.

I worry about her so much. Like I said she doesn't have friends and she's never had a boyfriend either. She says she has no interest in having a boyfriend. She's never told me but I have a feeling she's still a virgin.

I feel like such a screw up. She is so intelligent and capable of so much more than what she has. She has the brains to go to university and get a good job. But when you try and talk to her about her she'll say she's not interested in a career and just wants a job that will earn her money. She also wants to move out within the next year or two.

Her life consists of going to work, going to the gym and going swimming, her pets and reading. It has been the same for years now. She also likes sticking to a routine and gets upset if it has to be changed. Again she has been that way since she was a child.

Someone please tell me I haven't messed up and she hasn't messed up and she'll be okay?

Is she happy with her life?

Her life consists of going to work, going to the gym and going swimming, her pets and reading

Why is this a bad thing?

If she's happy that's all that matters it takes all sorts to make the world go round we cant all be the same.

Oh and I know loads of people who work to live not live to work. Not having a career is a valid lifestyle choice.

How can you have messed up she has a job and a social life her fitness stuff she is maybe just introverted and happy in her skin does she talk about workmates maybe she isnt very social that isn't your fault. Would she consider going to do animal management or something? Not all 20 something s leave home and get hammered every weekend.

Your dd sounds lovely.

Would she consider training to be a vetinary nurse?

That's hard. Does she seem happy? Does she have any siblings?

She sounds lovely to me :)

I'd be really happy if either of my DC grew up and was really into reading and pets and didn't get up to all the ridiculous crap I got up to growing up.

If she's happy I really don't see the problem. My aim with my children is to give them the emotional capacity to be happy, whatever that entails.

Your dd is socialising 8n her forum s just like we are she sounds contended enough tbh.

Some people are just introverts. Some people struggle socially. If your daughter is the former she's probably fairly content.

Have you suggested she volunteer with animals? Say a local animal sanctuary or vets? She might enjoy being a vet nurse?

I'm 24, I have two friends, I generally dislike company and get very anxious around people, even those I know. I have never been part of a club and I love small animals. I do have a DP but I didn't for a long time and I was okay with it. I also skipped uni to work in retail/temp jobs and I stayed at home until I was 21.

I now live with DP, we've been together for two years, I have a great career path and work are paying for me to do an HNC at college in the evenings with a view to paying for a degree. I don't drink and I only see my friends every few weeks.

I'm still quiet, reserved, introverted and a bit odd, but sometimes it works out! Don't worry too much, she'll get to where she wants to be.

Have you ever considered that she might have aspergers? It's under diagnosed in girls.

My own dd is in her 20s lives at home hates night clubs would rather read or watch a dvd she goes to a fitness thing 3 times a week and seems happy with her quiet life

I honestly have no idea if she's happy or not. She says she is but then something will happen that will make me think she's not.

She is lovely. She would never hurt a fly. She's always willing to help me and her father. When she had her first wage from her first full time job she was practically forcing the money for board into our hands without us even asking. She's always helped around the house and always helps with housework for us. That's what makes me feel bad too - I know there are loads of teenagers and young adults living at home who don't pull their weight at all even when asked so I feel bad for complaining.

Wips she has no siblings, no.

Finola1step I have suggested it but she doesn't seem interested.

I could say lots of stuff to make you feel better but TBH , I would be worried too. There is nothing wrong with what she is doing - but, as a mother I would want my children to want more from life, to have friends, to have some ambition. She is still young - is she happy and contented?

Just read your last post - she sounds lovely actually, a gentle thoughtful soul.

Does she go on work nights out at Christmas etc she sounds lovely but yes a pp is right it is a worry if you think she should have more of a life but that really isn't your fault you haven't failed her,

ALittleFaith I did think about it but it doesn't really "fit". She's always been creative and she also enjoys writing stories. She doesn't really obsess over lists or numbers or anything like that. She does obsess over animals though and can tell you anything and everything about hamsters and rabbits right now (it was guinea pigs when she has them).

The good thing is though is that no pet she has ever had has been neglected or not taken care of properly because she knows close to everything about them.

Forums about interests can really take up quite a lot of time and headspace, more so than you would think.

I am also part of a small animal forum and the involvement and "online" socialising in it is huge - especially if it has animal welfare aspects to it.

I agree she sounds quite "internal," which can sometimes not be healthy, but things like fitness show that she is also external with her energies.

I don't think you have screwed up at all.

^had them, not has. She doesn't have guineas anymore.

Have you suggested she finds a job that ties in with her love of pets / animals? Maybe she just needs to find a place in the world that fits with her interests and none of the options she's considered yet offers this.

Re: the exercise thing, she is very keen to keep fit so I have suggested maybe joining a sports club before. However she says she prefers to exercise on her terms. She says she's friendly with a few people at work and a few of the other regular gym goers, but she still wouldn't call them friends as she doesn't see them outside of that enviroment.

Can I adopt your DD OP? She sounds so lovely!

I know you probably feel like you'd be happier if she was falling out of clubs rancid with booze and drugs and bringing all manner of unsuitable blokes back right now, but she is doing stuff she enjoys and I bet she is happy.
She is still so young and has all the time in the world to meet some lucky guy and make friends. There is no set time frame for that to happen.
Just enjoy her while she is living with you, as you say in a couple of years she will be moving out and probably will be more motivated then to find a social circle or go out more.

What job is she doing atm