To wonder what I've done wrong?

[JustAMumDoingHerBest]

My DD is 23 and although between the ages of 16-18 she attended college, she never went to university. She has worked full time in dead end jobs, mostly catering and retail, since leaving college. Although for the past six months or so she's only be working 20 hours a week as that's all she can get. She says she wants another job, a full time one, but tbh I'm not even sure she's trying hard enough to get one. She has had a couple of interviews though and makes an effort for those.

She has also never left home.

I feel like a failure because DD has always been unsociable, very quiet and solemn. When she was a child we just assumed she was shy and that she would grow out of it and get more confidence as she got older but that never happened.

She's never really had friends and doesn't have any at all right now and hasn't for years. She never goes out drinking or socialising, she's not a member of any club or society or anything like that.

She's does have an interest in animals though, especially small ones, which tbh is weird. She has a pet hamster and two rabbits and nearly most of her pay goes towards her pets, food, toys, treats, etc. The rest of her pay mostly goes on books and when she's not spending time with her animals you'll probably find her sitting alone reading.

She gets a bit obsessive over her pets tbh. She's constantly reasearching and finding out more about whatever pet she has. She's a member of forums dedicated to them and likes to talk about them on there.

I worry about her so much. Like I said she doesn't have friends and she's never had a boyfriend either. She says she has no interest in having a boyfriend. She's never told me but I have a feeling she's still a virgin.

I feel like such a screw up. She is so intelligent and capable of so much more than what she has. She has the brains to go to university and get a good job. But when you try and talk to her about her she'll say she's not interested in a career and just wants a job that will earn her money. She also wants to move out within the next year or two.

Her life consists of going to work, going to the gym and going swimming, her pets and reading. It has been the same for years now. She also likes sticking to a routine and gets upset if it has to be changed. Again she has been that way since she was a child.

Someone please tell me I haven't messed up and she hasn't messed up and she'll be okay?

Op I'm sorry your judgment of your daughter is so awful I don't know where to start. Words like strange and she's still a virgin and dead end jobs? Really?

Blimey she's not a criminal she doesn't do drugs she's got a job, she's just not you, are you a screw up you ask or is she?

Now the calm bit, I think you posted out of desperation and your worries for her do come through, but if I'm honest she sounds like she might have Aspergers, she seems a lot like some female clients I've dealt with. But I'm not a clinician and she would need to be assessed, but please tone down your character assignation of her she sounds like a gentle soul who's doing no harm, she's just different you will have to accept that.

She will also be picking up on how you feel about her and I hope she doesn't feel any less of a person in your eyes, because she doesn't measure up to what you feel she should be like.

I think her life sounds just fine, except she would probably have better self-esteem if she had her own place and cut you out of her life altogether.

I don't think you have anything to worry about. She has hobbies, a job, interests, she helps around the house... She sounds like a very nice and well-rounded person. She is clearly very caring and compassionate.

So what if she doesn't want a career? She may change her mind in a few years, she's only 23! If she doesn't and is happy to work in a shop then that is also a valid choice! There is nothing wrong with those sorts of jobs.

As for not having a boyfriend, I don't see that as any of your business. Maybe she is not interested in men, maybe she is asexual. Whatever it is, it's her choice.

You seem very upset that she's doing her own thing and not what you want her to do and I think that is unfair.

Your daughter sounds lovely and perfectly normal. You on the other hand sound horrible and judgemental, I wonder if she knows your opinion of her, as I can't see that doing much for her self esteem.

I don't think you sound horrible or judgemental OP, and of course your DD would not be happier if she cut you out of her life... the trolls were out in force overnight.
But I do agree with PPs - your DD does sound lovely. Plenty of people have already given excellent advice about accepting her for who she is so I won't repeat it.

Urgh of course your daughter doesn't need to cut you out of her life at all you have an idea in your head what 23yr olds are like many are not like that image of boys ?rinking etc etc, my dd has never dated she does have a bf though but she has been with him years young women don't need to be out there dating to have experience imo

OP, if you judge a fish on it's ability to climb a tree, it will always fail. She is a fish. You need to stop measuring her against your criteria and accept her for who she is.

Hey OP, you've just described me :) obviously I'm not your daughter but until a couple years ago that was my life (except I had kids and left home young). I read, chat on forums, prefer my small animal to making friends in rl etc but I am happy.

It's not a bad thing, please don't worry. She's not going to end up on the streets begging and she's not a drug addict or alcoholic, she doesn't get so drunk she can't stand and puts herself at risk so there really isn't a problem. Be proud of her, share her interests and don't worry :) she's finding her own way in life.

And for what it's worth, I can't abide any changes in routine either, it makes me extremely anxious and jumpy. There's nothing inherently wrong with me though, I just don't like to go outside my comfort zone.

West, you've got me kinda worried now, the second link you posted describes me nearly to a T

Please don't be offended if I ask you this - but do your friends have DCs whom you consider successful and happy. Do their children have degrees, "successful" jobs, "careers" drunken nights out, hangovers, one-night stands etc etc.

Are you hearing about all the tales of everyone else's children and comparing your lovely sounding DD to that? Is that what is making you question her happiness? Question your success as a mother.

Or is it reading all the crap in the media about what young people are doing? Reality TV. TOWIE shit.

In essense - are you comparing her to the extremes of other people - to the stereotype? Rather than actually looking at her, her personality, her emotions?

I agree with most of the others, she sounds lovely. And tbh very well grounded and secure in what she wants to do.

My DD1 was diagnosed with AS age 12.

She had always felt like there was something that made her a bit different and social interactions happening that she wasn't part of. She had withdrawn socially as a self defence mechanism. She had been rejected for so long that it was safer to stop trying. With a diagnosis she suddenly understood why she felt like she did, felt like part of a different group of people rather than just isolated and odd and she started to learn the skills she didn't know instinctively.

If your DD has AS, she may find that a diagnosis explains her to herself and that's a great gift. She may continue to do the same jobs and be fairly socially isolated but that would be because it was the right option, not just the safest.

FWIW, my DD1 is now 17 and very much included in a friendship group in her sixth form and has good friends she keeps in touch with from her old school. I never thought I would see that.

I think I have found my twin, seriously! You may as well have just described me in my teens / early twenties. My mother worried too :-)

As long as your daughter is happy, don't worry! She may just enjoy living a quiet, simple life. Please don't feel like you have done anything "wrong" or that your daughter is "wrong" in some way! I highly recommend that you watch this video about introverts, if you haven't seen it before.
www.ted.com/talks/susan_cain_the_power_of_introverts?language=en

As for the fitness thing. I found kickboxing or yoga fantastic to do because they are things you can do on your own terms / don't involve team interaction or competition, yet are group activities. Do you think this may be an option for her?

I don't think the OP sounds horrible or judgemental - she sounds like a concerned Mum who wants her daughter to have a happy and fulfilled life - and asking here shows that she cares enough to seek other opinions. Give the woman a break!

She sounds lovely. When I was younger I was just like this. Still very reserved now but happy