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AIBU?

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Original poster

about playground for reception children - and my son's behaviour in it?

51 replies

sangfreude · 03/10/2014 18:23

Nc because I don't want to be identifiable, but long term poster. on a funny keyboard attached to phone, so please excuse any typos etc

today i happened to have a chance to take my son to the playground after a lunch to which parents were invited. he started in reception a month ago and he has said a number of times that noone plays with him and he doesnt play with anyone. ive asked the teachers a couple of times but they have said that although he hasnt made a 'best' friend, that they arent worried.

so, i didnt rush off becuase i wanted to see what happened, there were other parents milling about so not inappropriate, i didnt think.

i stayed for about twenty minutes and in that time i saw my son being frankly, totally irritating to other children - shouting 'your my friend, play with me' at children who quite clearly didnt want him anywhere near them. it was absolutely awful to watch. it was as though he had no idea how to play with other children. (he was at preschool and although it took himj a while to settle, he didnt seem to have this level of difficuly interacting with other kids). he tried to play with two other boys, one of who ended up smacking him across the face i think, i coudlnt see exactly, but it was certainly a wallop. this was dealt with by the dinner lady, but if we hadnt have been watching him together and having a bit of a chat i dont think she would have seen and then i think DS would have really walloped the othr kid back, and it felt to me like watching the beggining of a child who is rejected and sad and being hurt as well and then hits back really hard.

in the time i was there, not a single child wanted to play with him. it was just awful to see.

obviously, i know my DS was behaving badly and i dont blame other children for not wanting to play. i can see that we need to do things at home to help him understand how to be around other kids. we live rurally and have moved here fairly recently so not many friends yet, and i guess we are pretty isolated - i will make more effort to do things with him and other kids. we do see other families most weekends, and we do have occassional play dates with other kids from his old preschool and have had a couple with a kid in his class, but nothing more really.

so i can see i need to put more into this at home - but am i being unreasonable in thinking that there should be more concrete things for reception age kids to do in the playground? There were no trikes, balls, sand play, waterplay, duplo toys, nothing like that - just a fairly small space in which from what i could tell year R and year 1 shared, which wasnt part of the main playground. is that enough for out door play for kids this age? i didnt think many of them looked particuarly happy to be honest.

would i be unreasonable to ask if things like that co9uld be made available? can i ask for ds to have support making frie3ndships and to be told if he is struggling? when i spoke to the teacher after school and explained my concerns, she said she had noticed that he struggles in 'unstructured time' - but what can be done? can play time be more structured?

i just dont know if i shouold just take the view of - well, let him get on with it, he'll get used to it - or if I should be proactively trying to get the school to support play and friendship develoment more.

if anyone knows of any books which can help DS to understand how to be a friend or to help him understand hgow to play with othr kids, id be really grateful. thank you for reading Thanks

OP posts:
Tanaqui · 03/10/2014 18:26

Wow I am reay impressed with your attitude as that must have been v hard to watch.

Yes reception usually have outdoor toys, so definitely ask about that.

He will probably be fine btw!

inloominotnorti · 03/10/2014 18:30

Have you read The Unwritten Rules of Friendship? Tell him it's ok to play by himself sometimes and just join in without the screamed declarations of friendship.

He will settle down, sometimes when you are nervous people pick up on it, then they avoid you, then you get more nervous etc.

Good luck OP

MiddleEarthBarbie · 03/10/2014 18:32

Oh bless him.

First you need to deal with his behaviour. Find books about children playing with one another and do some role-play with him. Teach him opening lines 'Hi, I like your lunchbox/glasses' etc.

You need to take it up with the school too. Do the older children not come down and play with the younger ones?

Momagain1 · 03/10/2014 18:34

As for the lack of play equipment, fully expect that if you ask for it, you will be directed to become active with whatever the parental school support group is called, where the idea may become a bake sale and grant hunting project. Or may already be.

Original poster
sangfreude · 03/10/2014 18:35

thanks tana - i will keep asking. and thanks for vote of confidence - i hope so. inlomminotnorti, i havent read that. ill look it up on amazon. yes i think your right, i do think he is nervous. i

OP posts:
cashmiriana · 03/10/2014 18:35

Good Foundation Stage classes shouldn't have a 'playground'. The children should have free access to an outside area with water, sand, climbing equipment, writing materials, construction toys - in fact everything they have indoors, but on a bigger scale. It's generally not considered great for them to have a set 'playtime' as most of their learning should be through play.

I'd be concerned that the classroom isn't set up in a way which encourages children to explore and learn.

ClapHandsIfYouBelieveInFatties · 03/10/2014 18:36

Sang you don't have to deal with this on your own. Make an appointment with his teacher...speak to her about this. School has a responsibility to help all children and that includes social skills.

His difficulties are not uncommon but speaking to the teacher will help him and you.

SapSuma · 03/10/2014 18:37

That must have been heartbreaking to watch. And I too am impressed with your attitude!
What I would do is try lots of role play at home. Where you act out being a friend or another unknown child and he tries to get you to okay with him. Then swap roles. Also try modelling doing this with lego,playmobil etc.
Eg hello, I like your T shirt
Ohh, hello. Thankyou, I like your shoes.
Can I play with you/can I join in your game? etc

Then model/role play loads of different outcomes from spiteful mean behaviour to positive friendly responses. And try to talk about meanness and how to deal with it. Eg, ok, I'll find someone else to play with.

Original poster
sangfreude · 03/10/2014 18:37

middlearthbarbie - good idea, i will. and no, it didnt look like that. could i suggest that the older kids do that?

momagain - id be more than happy to get involved to do that - ill speak to them and to one of the pta ladies in the playground.

OP posts:
SapSuma · 03/10/2014 18:38

*play, not okay

formerbabe · 03/10/2014 18:39

First you need to deal with his behaviour. Find books about children playing with one another and do some role-play with him. Teach him opening lines 'Hi, I like your lunchbox/glasses' etc

Great advice..I always role play situations with my ds if he has problems in order to give him some ideas on the best way to deal with it.

I really feel for you op, it must have been awful for you to see this. Things can change fast though. I once saw my ds being completely excluded at a party, I was mortified and so upset and worried, he is now the life and soul of parties!

ClapHandsIfYouBelieveInFatties · 03/10/2014 18:40

In some schools they have a buddy system where year 6 kids come in and help little ones. It's good for both sets of children...the older ones learn to be gentle and the little ones learn taking turns etc.

Pipbin · 03/10/2014 18:41

Was this at lunch time when they wouldn't have been in the reception play area but in the main playground?
If so Cash I would expect that they wouldn't be in the reception play area as the teachers are on their lunch break and the children need to be in the main play ground.

As for having access to equipment I agree with previous posts, expect to be asked to join the PTA to help fund it.
Also, I know some schools where there were so many children arguing and fighting over the equipment they did have that it ended up being taken away because parents complained.

MiddleEarthBarbie · 03/10/2014 18:41

could i suggest that the older kids do that?

Absolutely.

I've seen it work in two ways- either the older kids have an assigned buddy, or every day a group of older kids come down to the infants yard with hoops, balls, beanbags etc and start games. I prefer the second.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 03/10/2014 18:42

I think it would be a good idea to talk to the school, so that they can support what you are doing - the play times at school are going to form a large part of his chances to practise what you are teaching him about friendship, play and interaction - and so I think the school needs to know what's been happening, and what you are doing about it, so they can encourage him in his efforts.

Original poster
sangfreude · 03/10/2014 18:42

cashmiriana - thats what i thought, it didnt feel like learning through plkay outside - it was like a plaground for older kids with a climbing frame in it. i couldnt see any evidence of any learning through play at all in the outside area!

thanks clap - maybe i will make a proper appoinment to speak to the staff, not just a quck after school word.

sap - it was and thank you - i cried afterwards and spoke to my mum. just wracking my brains (and yours!) to think what i can do to support him. really like your ideas about the role play - will get that started tomorrow.

OP posts:
ClapHandsIfYouBelieveInFatties · 03/10/2014 18:46

They could have balls around...ours have those balls on ropes that go round their ankles...and skipping ropes and beanbags. Not expensive things...

Original poster
sangfreude · 03/10/2014 18:49

former - thanks and that does give me hope - i just want him to be happy and i know that includes getting on with other kids.

clap - i wil ask about the buddy system and like middle, i also like the idea of older kids coming down to help start games/ teach the littluns how to play them.

pipbin, it was the reception/ year 1 playground - definately set apart from the rest of the school. i am definately up for being proactive and getting funding for outdoor toys. i also take your point about fighting - i can well imagine that. what a bout a sandpit/ water tray though?

STDG - i really want to be in lots of communication with school about this, but will they want me to? i mean, arent they very busy? would email be better - or ask for a meeting with the head teacher or is that overkill? its a small single form school btw.

OP posts:
Original poster
sangfreude · 03/10/2014 18:51

clap, they arent allowed to play with balls apparently becuase they go over the fence! i was shocked! why isnt there a higher fence like for the other playground? it was also very close to the windows of the classrooms so i can see why balls wouldnt be allowed. DS loves kicking a ball so id have thought this would save him a lot of difficulty in the playground, if this were possble/ allowed.

OP posts:
Original poster
sangfreude · 03/10/2014 18:52

to explain, becuase the area is only max 10 metres from classroom windwos to fence.

OP posts:
ApocalypseThen · 03/10/2014 18:53

I have no suggestions, just wanted to express my admiration for your attitude and strength.

Original poster
sangfreude · 03/10/2014 18:54

gosh thanks apocalypes Thanks thats very kind of you to say.

OP posts:
maddening · 03/10/2014 19:02

Speak to the teachers - say what you witnessed is heart breaking and he won't learn to play if the children aren't encouraged to play with him and he becomes more desperate for someone to play with him. I think the school should work with him to help him find his place and a friendship group? Def a buddy system and. Maybe group learning so he is working with a few of his peers and they can get to know him a bit more?

In the meantime does he have friends out of school? Could you host more "play dates" or whatever it is called when they are in primary school? Can he join a little football club which has sessions on the weekend?

RunDougalRunQuiteFast · 03/10/2014 19:03

Poor you! That must have been heartbreaking for you.

Yes, there should be better facilities - our school has a free flow inside and outside for nursery and reception, with a play frame, sand pit, garden area, games, wet play, and some trikes either solo or some really great 'passenger' ones which the kids can give others a ride on. Speak to the teacher and/or head teacher about improving the facilities and play opportunities. Is it a very small school? What are the facilities like in the other areas of the school?

RandomFriend · 03/10/2014 19:06

Sorry you are going through this, OP. It is really painful to discover that your child isn't maing friends in the usual way. I had a similar thing with one of my children.

I found some picture books that helped a bit, one that I recall was:

www.amazon.co.uk/Is-That-What-Friends-Do/dp/0099221624

At the very least it helped me to feel I was trying to help him.