about playground for reception children - and my son's behaviour in it?

[sangfreude]

Nc because I don't want to be identifiable, but long term poster. on a funny keyboard attached to phone, so please excuse any typos etc

today i happened to have a chance to take my son to the playground after a lunch to which parents were invited. he started in reception a month ago and he has said a number of times that noone plays with him and he doesnt play with anyone. ive asked the teachers a couple of times but they have said that although he hasnt made a 'best' friend, that they arent worried.

so, i didnt rush off becuase i wanted to see what happened, there were other parents milling about so not inappropriate, i didnt think.

i stayed for about twenty minutes and in that time i saw my son being frankly, totally irritating to other children - shouting 'your my friend, play with me' at children who quite clearly didnt want him anywhere near them. it was absolutely awful to watch. it was as though he had no idea how to play with other children. (he was at preschool and although it took himj a while to settle, he didnt seem to have this level of difficuly interacting with other kids). he tried to play with two other boys, one of who ended up smacking him across the face i think, i coudlnt see exactly, but it was certainly a wallop. this was dealt with by the dinner lady, but if we hadnt have been watching him together and having a bit of a chat i dont think she would have seen and then i think DS would have really walloped the othr kid back, and it felt to me like watching the beggining of a child who is rejected and sad and being hurt as well and then hits back really hard.

in the time i was there, not a single child wanted to play with him. it was just awful to see.

obviously, i know my DS was behaving badly and i dont blame other children for not wanting to play. i can see that we need to do things at home to help him understand how to be around other kids. we live rurally and have moved here fairly recently so not many friends yet, and i guess we are pretty isolated - i will make more effort to do things with him and other kids. we do see other families most weekends, and we do have occassional play dates with other kids from his old preschool and have had a couple with a kid in his class, but nothing more really.

so i can see i need to put more into this at home - but am i being unreasonable in thinking that there should be more concrete things for reception age kids to do in the playground? There were no trikes, balls, sand play, waterplay, duplo toys, nothing like that - just a fairly small space in which from what i could tell year R and year 1 shared, which wasnt part of the main playground. is that enough for out door play for kids this age? i didnt think many of them looked particuarly happy to be honest.

would i be unreasonable to ask if things like that co9uld be made available? can i ask for ds to have support making frie3ndships and to be told if he is struggling? when i spoke to the teacher after school and explained my concerns, she said she had noticed that he struggles in 'unstructured time' - but what can be done? can play time be more structured?

i just dont know if i shouold just take the view of - well, let him get on with it, he'll get used to it - or if I should be proactively trying to get the school to support play and friendship develoment more.

if anyone knows of any books which can help DS to understand how to be a friend or to help him understand hgow to play with othr kids, id be really grateful. thank you for reading

By the way some after school clubs or after school/weekend activities or classes could really help him learn to interact with other children...martial arts/swimming/football/drama. There is also less pressure as the activity is the main focus.

Ps does he tell you no one plays with him after you ask him who he played with ? Could you reduce your focus on this in your conversations with him - only as I wonder if he becomes more self conscious about it and more desperate for someone to play with him? Can they take games to play at break - does he have any that can be played on your own or with others? Such as marbles? He might find that busying himself with something like that which might get others interested in what he is doing and ask to join in? Play it with him at home so he knows the rules etc.

Also - the play supervisors could start big group games such as what's the time mr fox or grandmothers footsteps or even get music and do musical statues - and get everyone playing together - and when your ds is relaxed and playing along he might find others warm to him.

poor little mite, how heartbreaking for you. I can only suggest roleplay as others have. It worked with my DC1 who had trouble settling and it became a game with us and I think (well... as far as I know) it worked in breaking the cycle of not playing with anyone. Good luck with it.

The teachers are not too busy to help. My DD1 had some social issues in year 3 when she was new to her school and her teacher thought of all kinds of things to help her.

One of them was introducing a topic about traditional games in class...she only did it for a few weeks and she made game cards and every single playtime she went out with the children and gave up her own break...and organised traditional circle games like oranges and lemons and farmer in the dell...she gave my shy DD the game cards so she had to choose who was what...then sometimes she'd choose another child...it helped enormously and of course the games went on far beyond her helping period.

But with smaller kids the teacher could also have circle games...and they definitely need some equipment!

Go in and ask for a meeting. Your DS needs help just like some need extra reading help.

maddening- football club, im on to it will will do today. i worry about after school actibivti3es at the moment as he seems so exhausted after a day at school but maybe he will be ready for something like beavers midweek after christmas.

run dougal - thats really interesting to know. that is the kind of thing i would have thought w2ould be out for the children to play with at lunchtime - but i also take cashmirina's point up thread that it should be all learning through play, not set play times. when i spoke to the teacher after school she said that they 'used' to have things like that out there. i will ask again about it, and weather i should start fundraising for more things. from what i could see of the play supervisors it was more bellowing 'stop that' than doing anything like setting up some organised games. it is a small school - but it is inopen country side, with a large playground for the older kids and a large playing field. the school is in general well equipped with music room, technology underfloor heating for example.

random freind - yes it was actually one of the worst things ive ever seen. are things positive for your dc now with socialising? i bougtht th book you suggest on amazon. what do you think really worked to help him in the end?

formerbabe - yes i think having an activity as the main focus would help.

maddening - absolutely, i think that us aksing about who he plays with has given it extra weight. he was shouting look mum look at my friends at one point. going to rethink how i approach this and stick with role play/ books/ being proactive with school and gettig him to football club on a a saturday. im not sure if he is allowed to take games in, and i wonder if he would then have a problem sharing with interested children, but i can ask.

thanks rousette - ds isnt so interested in role play but i think it is the way ahead - any tips to make it fun and light hearted, or in a way that he wont say 'no mummy play my game?'

clapyourhands - that is heartening. sounds like your dd really benefitted from that? my ds is crying out for somthing similar. i feel much more empowered to make a meeting and to take along some ntoes of what i saw and then some questions about wheter it would be possible to do some of the thigns we've talked about on this thread.

Is this playground you went to just where he was going to be on his lunchbreak, or was this during actual teaching time?

Yes it was fabulous. Not all kids "do" social skills well immediately. It's like any skill....some come easily and others don't. Tell them the issue, ask what they plan to do about it...and suggest your own preferences for helping him.x

hi midnite, it iwas the playground used for lunchbreak but also the outside area which they use for teaching. maybe they dont have all the equipment that they use for teaching out for lunch break as the teachers are having a break?

clap, thanks for the positive story.

dd's school was criticised by ofsted for lack of play equipment for break/ lunchtime.

My ds loves role play - he chooses often to play spiderman or something we have watched such as frozen - he makes his other toys characters too and I have to be a character and operate all the other characters.

Sometimes we play farms or builders or cars and sometimes other he adds superheroes in to the farm / cars etc game, sometimes I am Sven from frozen and he is iron man. So maybe watch programmes that he enjoys and then act out a scene he enjoys with him?

Maybe get there earlier in the morning and play superheroes with him as you are going in - perhaps other dc will join in (sometimes at soft play we play superheroes and other dc join in with us) and then you can slip away leaving him playing.

OP what a fabulous mum you are

I am a TA in a primary school and we are tackling bad playground behaviour head on at the moment. We have all been issued with booklets of playground games and new equipment has been ordered.
We have rotas of organised games on certain days, etc rounders, cricket in an enclosed area. Also praise/reward systems are strictly adhered to.
Traditional skipping, bouncy hoppers,tennis bats/balls and hoops are provided as well, also the essential football, although this is restricted because it can incite anger. We also have built in table tennis tables and a climbing assault course.
The children love this, and I love joining in games, instead of breaking up fights. Having equipment to play with, also means less outgoing children can play quietly if they prefer.

I agree with PP about reception children. EYFS is all about learning through play, and these children should have access to outside learning throughout the day. Not an empty playground.

You've had some great advice here and you've got a cracking approach. In my childs'playground they have a 'friendship stop' like a lollipop where children stand if they would like to join in but have no one to play with. The children then know to invite them to play, it works really well.

Maddening- that's some lovely ideas. I'd never thought of doing that to help him in soft play- I could take a spare cape and then pass it on to an interested child?

Beautiful- thank you I don't feel like it I must say... Great advice 're play time. I think I'm going to write a letter this evening and include all your suggestions and all the other ones that have come up too.

Eggy- thanks as well. This has been a brilliant thread, I feel really supported and more confident. I'll include that suggestion too.

Ok next step is to write the letter and I'll post it here- it might be more of an aide memoir that I take to a meeting but I'd like to run it past you all.

Thanks again

hi all.

i have written this letter to school to take in at pick up time. would you mind having a look and telling me what you think? I'm worried it will put backs up and mean that we are in an adversarial position with the school which is not my intention at all. i just want to help my DS.

anywway, here goes:

Name
Address

6.10.2014

Private and Confidential

Dear Teachers and teaching assistants of Year R clas
Cc. Head teacher

Re DS

I wanted to start by emphasising how happy we are that DS has joined D School and how impressed we have been at the fantastic academic and pastoral standards that are so obviously in place.

Mrs R will know that I was very concerned last Friday after watching DS for twenty minutes or so in the playground after lunch. I know it was a difficult time for all the children and everyone seemed very tired after an exciting Harvest Festival morning, and I appreciate its a very tiring point in the term as well. DS seemed tired, hot and bothered and seemed to be seriously struggling in the playground. It was frankly, heart breaking for me to watch. I wanted to write down some of what I saw, some ideas weve had over the weekend and to let you know what we are doing at home to support DS. I wondered if we could make a time to have a meeting, if possible, to discuss this? Im aware that we have parent interviews next week, but I wondered if we could organise a brief meeting sooner. DH and I could come in at any time to school.

When DS went into the playground he immediately began shouting at another child to play with him.  This child looked very unhappy to play with DS and ran away.  DS was visibly upset and confused by this. 
DS then ran around fairly aimlessly and went to snatch a hoop from a girl sitting down, refused to apologise, then continued to try and chase the first boy to play with him and continued to shout very loudly youre my friend, play with me at him, then refused to share a bat he had snatched from the boy. He then tipped it over the fence and I retrieved it.  
This boy then found a friend he wished to play with and DS continued to insist they play with him; this child then hit DS quite hard, in the face, I think.  DS recoiled, and was extremely upset.  One of the play supervisors saw and dealt with the incident.  
DS tried to play with a ball, but this was not allowed, but then did so anyway, which seemed to be tacitly allowed.  
DS did not meaningfully engage with any of the other materials available to him in the playground and walked aimlessly alone, obviously upset. 
In the time I was watching, no other child seemed happy to play with DS. 
He seemed hot and bothered. 

DS is clearly struggling to apply social rules he learnt at pre-school for play and friendships to the more complex and mature world of school. He has told us often that he has no one to play with at school and that no one plays with him. This is not the first time I have been concerned by his play skills with other children and understanding of social rules in different contexts, but I was really shocked by what I saw.

His behaviour was challenging and negative towards others and I could understand why other children would reject him. I am really concerned that should this situation continue his behaviour will escalate to more frequent incidences of challenging behaviour in the playground. Im concerned that his confidence in himself will be negatively affected.

Some thoughts:

• Could a year 6 child/ren come and buddy in the infants playground and set up organised games with groups of children?
• Could an area of the juniors playground be used by infants for organised football or cricked, to get around the problem of the low fence?
• Could a friendship bench or stop (a lolipop stop) be arranged so that children with no one to play with can go to it and other children invite them to join in?
• Is it possible for year R children to access sand or water play?
• Could large toys be provided such as trikes or space hoppers?
• Could toys that facilitate play such as dress up and toy cars be provided at play times?
• Could DS receive targeted support in terms of friendship development and interactive play skills, perhaps with a small group lead by an adult? I have noticed he responds well to puppet/ toy role play and may benefit from this kind of thing to help support his understanding of what his expected of him (i.e. no shouting, snatching etc) and of others (i.e. not hitting, being included) in unstructured, less supervised time.
• I wondered if water was available to drink on the playground?
• I wondered what the sanctions are for physical violence in the play ground?
• Do more consistent boundaries need to be in place on the playground, i.e. are they allowed to play with balls or not? I am not sure if DS understands that if there is one grey area that there arent lots of grey areas.

What we are doing:

• We have a reward system at home with three broad rules: do what an adult asks, first time; dont shout; and be kind. DS receives stars for complying to these (and other successes too of course) and lines as sanctions. These then cumulate to a reward or to something of value being removed. I have felt it is important to be explicit with DS in terms of what we expect of him at home is also what is expected of him at school, and with friends.
• We are trying to gently do role play and games with DS about how to engage other children in play and what playing nicely is like.
• We have books for DS to help him understand what friends do (in the post from Amazon!).
• We are trying to have more play dates and have joined Little Kickers on Saturdays.
• DS seems very tired by school; we are trying to be as restful as possible after school. We have early bed times.
• If there is anything else you can suggest we do, we would happily take any advice.

What else can I do?

• If resources for outdoor play toys is a problem, could I fundraise specifically for this, or make a donation?
• Is providing a new fence on the agenda to enable ball play in the infants playground, again could I fundraise/ donate/ apply for a grant?
• Does the infants playground need to be bigger? Again, could I fundraise to support an extension of this?
• I would be happy to volunteer once a week to support organising games in the playground. I have an enhanced CRB check.

Thank you for taking the time to read this, I really appreciate it.

Yours sincerely

on reflection ill wait till i get a few responses from you kind people before printing and taking it in. thanks for your time all.

I think I would go in and have a chat rather than give the letter. Take it with you as a memory jogger though as you have good points written down but it is massively detailed. Arrange to see the teacher in advance rather than trying to catch a word when she is busy.

That's a really good letter. I too would take it in to a meeting as an aide memoire, then leave a copy behind, rather than sending it in first (if at all possible).

Near the beginning - "DS was extremely upset". Was his reaction extreme? Or did he cry briefly? If the latter, I would tone this down.

many children need to be taught how to interact and play in groups
schools could do a lot more to help

I would also take out the bit about you being heart broken, I would try to stick to non emotive facts.

Sang, firstly can I just say what a brilliant job you are doing here. My eldest is 3 so am only just getting to that point on social interaction so I don't have a lot to add really, but they way you are approaching this whole thing is amazing and I'm sure your son will get through this and if he doesn't he's obviously already got the best friend he could have, you.

I think the letter is constructive. I might be tempted to change your 'some thoughts' heading to something a little softer - 'ideas within school that might help' and maybe caveat it that you appreciate these all take time and money to put in place but you had a bit of a 'braindump' of thoughts

(You actually make that perfectly clear later in the letter, but I know how people read these things and there is a tiny chance that someone takes your good intentions the wrong way)

Good luck with all of this, I hope if I ever have a similar problem I can deal with it as well as you are.

George is right. Don't send the full letter, take it as a prompt for the meeting and leave it behind.

I would take out the upfront suggestions for school. See what they propose during any dialogue.

It's a very well thought out letter, but tbh I feel it's a bit too long and overly detailed at this stage. Better I think would be to go in for a face to face meeting with HT and/or main teacher with the letter for guidance/notes and talk things through.

sangfreude - my ds was not good at intuiting social rules and I too understood why he annoyed other children. It also made him very unhappy.

Over the years we asked the school repeatedly for help and, whilst they tried, they were never able to really help much. However, I regret not pushing them harder and allowing things to drift at times.

Ultimately, the help came from us - helping ds to understand why social situations had not worked out the way he had intended them too. He is bright and could learn what he could not intuit.

In Yr 4 we also moved him to a private school with smaller class sizes and very academically focused and that helped too.

Now (he is in Yr 7), he is obsessed with rugby and the team nature of it is really good for him. He still does not always get it right but he does have friends and is happy at school.

At that age too i always found they don't need to ask too much about joining in, they just need to start playing.
Also, it was your child doing that today. It might not be everyday. It might not always be your child doing it.
Kids that age can still tend to play around each other as much as with each other.