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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how normal it is

71 replies

takemewithyoustream · 03/10/2014 16:16

Very genuinely how many of you regularly feel they'd like to end their life? Or maybe more accurately like they would feel quite pleased really if they found out they had a terminal illness?

I've felt like this for a while, I'm not suicidal please don't get me wrong. I just don't want to live.

Am I alone?

OP posts:
immaturestudent · 03/10/2014 17:24

not normal at all.
after 3 therapy sessions i started to question similar thoughts and felt able to talk about them. If it is hard to discuss in sessions, could you write down your thoughts and raise this with GP or email your therapist. Also, flatness and low energy could be linked to bereavement. for me it was like living on another plane. I don't think it is person centred, more like a symptom that needs attention. Many hugs. Flowers

creampie · 03/10/2014 22:16

But why wouldn't you want to take antidepressants if it would help? Why is it preferable to go on feeling like you'd like to be dead? I don't understand

Original poster
takemewithyoustream · 03/10/2014 22:21

Because I feel like I want to die because of circumstances and ads won't change the circumstances.

Plus they make me feel out of it and doped up and not like me, i really dislike them. I'm not suffering depression as I genuinely don't have much to live for. Obviously it would be different if I did have a good life but was depressed.

OP posts:
missymayhemsmum · 03/10/2014 22:35

You are not alone, lots of us have felt like this, often when worn down by life/ kids/ tiredness/pmt. Your subconscious may just be telling you that life as you have it is not giving you what you need. I think sometimes we have to struggle through life in silence for a while until the music comes back on. (it will) And actually, sometimes life is just a bit meh

Be nice to yourself, ask for some support, get some sleep, get some exercise, eat well, take multivits/multiminerals, see some friends who make you laugh and will give you hugs, have a good cry, get out into woods/ seaside, pray, sing, shout, run, look up at the sky and count your blessings daily, and after a week or so, see if you still feel like that.

If you do, go see your GP and get some counselling.

TrousersSchmowsers · 03/10/2014 22:46

It's quite a common thing, but it is a symptom of depression. Sounds like you have plenty of insight so seek some help because you can get out of that mindset.

seasavage · 03/10/2014 22:48

I have felt that way. It was an awful place to be. I was ill (with a chronic illness that at the time was undiagnosed), in an EA relationship and running around after a baby and later pregnant with an overbearing manager. That year was like a black hole, sucking all of 'me', all joy, all laughter, all feeling. I really just wanted it to stop. Not to 'do' something. That feeling began to fall away once I got out of the relatio ship but it was a slow crawl that took me through redundancy (a relef despite the financial hell), separation, it took a couple of years before that feeling was nearly completely gone.
I now feel (2 miscarriages, no job right now) I have bad stress. But fundamentally I don't feel I want to be dead. OK, my life could be better in certain areas. But I want to give life a go. I no longer feel 'detatched' from my life / the things that hurt. I think the numb is part of a coping strategy. But it takes away the concious ability to just be in a moment.
I hope you get the right support around you, get back in touch with your attachments to life, love and joy.

Standinginline · 03/10/2014 22:53

I've never felt suicidal as such BUT sometimes think that if I was to be told that I was going to die later that day / week that I would actually look forward to it. I underestimate myself a lot though and how I'll cope with certain situations. For instance, when I think of not being with without my partner later on in life I panic and would happily make sure I die before him. Whereas in actuality I tend to actually just get on with things when these situations occur.

Topaz25 · 03/10/2014 23:03

I have felt like that before because I suffer from depression. Having no energy, no interest, hating being you and feeling people would be better off without you are all symptoms of depression, you don't have to be sad all the time to be depressed, sometimes it causes that flat feeling instead. It's a good step that you're seeing a counsellor, please be totally honest with them about how you are feeling. Remember this is not just how things are, it's a symptom of an illness you will recover from. Things can and will get better.

Bulbasaur · 03/10/2014 23:35

But there's this kind of flatness over everything. No energy. Hate being me.

That's depression. It dulls all your emotions so you feel sort of numb and apathetic.

No it's not normal to feel like that, but lots of people suffer depression so you're not alone.

CheeseToastie123 · 03/10/2014 23:45

When I'm ill, I feel like this daily. When I'm well, I still have the thoughts, perhaps twice a week. For me, it's normal. I'm guessing that in itself is not normal.

I hate to see someone say they genuinely don't have much to live for. That sounds so final and, if I'm honest, quite unlikely. Can you tell us more of the circumstances?

Stratter5 · 03/10/2014 23:52

Same as CheeseToastie, it depends on whether I'm struggling or not. Although, I do have a Terminal Illness Hit List, which I will admit that I sometimes rather look forward to fulfilling.

Ididntseeitsoitdidnthappen · 03/10/2014 23:58

I have Ocd And one of my obsessional thoughts is a visualisation of placing a noose round my neck and hanging myself. It only occurs at times of high stress and is incredibly intrusive as you'd imagine!

Otherwise no, it's not something that a normal rational mentally well person would think about

ScrambledeggLDCcakeBOAK · 04/10/2014 00:00

Depressed is not necessarily massive downs it can be exactly what your describing.

I think you need to go to the gp.

Maybe get some talking therapy to be able to work out what is "normal" and how to work out how to heighten your mood as it is down even if it's even.

it's even but lower than what would be described as ok.

Your self esteem is low but you seem to think your just describing how your life is ie I'm not the worst but I don't add anything. Etc.

Guiltypleasures001 · 04/10/2014 00:16

Hi op

Just a couple of questions,

Hoping to have a terminal illness, this is not a quick death, so would it be more that the people around you would then notice you?

fall off a cliff, do you feel honestly that those around you would miss you? Because you have not given a reason why you are still with us. It's a good thing that you are, I'm just wondering if there is something or someone missing for you to feel this way Thanks

Guiltypleasures001 · 04/10/2014 00:17

Oh and intrusive thoughts can be quite normal, and are sometimes linked to OCD

Silvercatowner · 04/10/2014 07:33

I still don't get the aversion to antidepressants. It makes no difference if it is a reactive or systemic depression, ADs will help you to cope with the negative feelings.

CornChips · 04/10/2014 07:40

OP, I feel like that a lot, and finally went to the GP 3 weeks ago. I have also been resisiting ADs, but am now on citalprom hydrobromide and it has changed my life. Best thing I have ever done..... I am also having counselling.

I resisted Ads because I felt like it was an admission of failure in some way- but, if you had high blood pressure you would take meds, if you had diabetes you would take insulin.

Thanks
Shonajay · 04/10/2014 07:43

I felt like this when I had cancer, but it was a coping mechanism. I'd see your gp x

ithoughtofitfirst · 04/10/2014 07:50

Yeah that definitely sounds like depression. I hope i don't wake up was always my one. As a pp said you don't have to feel like this get down your gp.

Original poster
takemewithyoustream · 04/10/2014 08:43

I don't like how ads make me feel.

It matters to me whether it's reactive or not. I don't want to not feel stuff! That's my problem at the moment that I just feel numb all the time. I don't like feeling like this - why would I want to add to it ?

OP posts:
BluePop · 04/10/2014 08:48

I have felt like this pretty much constantly for years, OP, and it all came to a head last week when I started getting a voice in my head telling me to harm my 3 month old.
I panicked and called my OH to take over putting him to bed.
I went to the GP the very next day, she was brilliant, assured me I am unwell, not just mad, and, maybe very luckily, was given an appointment at a psychiatric clinic within two hours (I think the fact I had told them I had had "commands" to hurt him meant they acted instantly, even though I know I never would).
I am now on Citarolpram, they phone me regularly to see how I am, and I have an appointment for a specialist CPN this week.
In my case, my PND has brought my underlying depression to the fore but now I know it's not just me, I already feel better.
I'm going on holiday in two weeks and for the first time in I don't know how long, I'm looking forward to it rather than thinking what a load of hassle it will involve, packing for a family of five, a long journey etc.
Going to my GP was the best thing I have done in a very long time.
You won't regret it.

Good luck.

eurochick · 04/10/2014 08:50

I felt like that on the pill. Never before or since. So it's not normal for me. It only happens when induced by fake hormones.

FurryTurnip · 04/10/2014 08:57

Please see your GP again as soon as possible. I csn totally relate to how you feel. I had a year after my DS was born feeling exactly like you do. I thought I had no value and people would be better off without me. I regularly thought about dying, but didn't want to commit suicide as such, but spent hours thinking about how I could end it in a car crash etc without hurting anyone else. I was depressed but didn't see it. I had a long course of CBT and I can honestly say it changed my life. I can now see how much there is to live for and how my death would have destroyed so many people. Please get help, you don't need to feed this way.

I do understand your reluctance to take anti depressants, I was the same. But I've sworn since that if I ever felt that way again I'd take them in a second. When you're feeling the way you are right now it is impossible to imagine you could ever feel better, it feels like this is it forever. It isn't, I promise. X

Original poster
takemewithyoustream · 04/10/2014 09:03

I need to use these feelings to try and do something positive.

Look, I really am a pointless person living a very sad lonely pointless life.

I could numb those feelings with ads I daresay although I wouldn't be able to sleep properly and id gain weight and I'd feel sick all the time ... But I don't want to.

I'm not even registered with a gp presently haven't been since 2012! It would just be another thing on the to do list.

Maybe I should die as counselling isn't helping but maybe it's just early days yet. It's sweet people have replied but if the replies could stop focusing on go to your gp and get counselling that would be helpful. As I'm doing one and it's not helping and nor would going to my gp if I had one that is!

OP posts:
FurryTurnip · 04/10/2014 09:18

I understand you don't want people to tell you to go to the GP or get counselling, but without that we are fairly helpless to support you. It is not a coincidence that everyone on here who has felt like you was suffering from depression and got help. These are not normal feelings and you don't need to live like this.

There are many kinds of counselling, if the one you are having doesn't work you need to find an alternative. I had the traditional talking counselling years ago and hated every second of it. It dug stuff up but didn't teach me how to deal with it. CBT worked wonderfully for me. Please don't rule out your GP. If you are changing to a new one it could make all the difference. GPs are all different, find a good one and your life can change.

In the meantime, please try to talk to a friend or family, you need to know how much you are loved and valued. People don't say it enough, and if you're doing a good job of looking like you're coping with life, then they won't realise the hell you are going through. Sorry if I sound too direct with all this, but it frightens me to hear what you are saying. X

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