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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend with very different parenting style, wwyd?

31 replies

Stripylikeatiger · 03/10/2014 13:16

I have a friend who has a dc the same age as my dc (2) we met at a baby group when the dc were little babies and we got on really well, had loads in common and generally had lots of fun together with our dc.

Now the dc are older things aren't quite so harmonious, out dc are both quite "spirited" high energy children who are doing all the normal toddler things like trying to run away, pushing, snatching toys and so on. I really try to give my child freedom whilst making sure he is safe and respecting the other children around him, so if he snatches a toy I intervene and make him give the toy back and say sorry, I stand with him if there is a queue for a slide and explain we need to wait but it's our turn soon.

My friend really never seems to have any control over what her dc is doing, he snatches toys and then takes them to his mum, she then keeps them on her knee and if other children come to take them she says no her dc is playing with them when in reality her dc is busy snatching more toys, she often ends up with a small pile of toys on her knee. Her dc isn't made to queue or wait he just pushes in, he'll run off and rather than catching up with him and saying no you don't run off you have to wait for mummy we all have to stop what we are doing and follow him as she's happy for him to decide where we all go at all times. Today we went to a really busy cafe, there were about 25 people in the queue, it would have probably taken at least half an hour to get served, my friend went to the front of the queue and requested they heat up her dc's food (that she had brought from home) and expected us to sit in the cafe (it was packed!) and eat food from home without buying anything (as the child would have been finished before the rest of us got served) I made an excuse to go home early.

I really like my friend but I struggle so much spending time with her when her chick is allowed to do precisely as he pleases, it's a challenge to encourage my child to be reasonably behaved without his little friend hitting/running away/pushing in whenever he pleases.

Wwyd, has anyone stopped seeing a friend because it's such hard work? My friend is fun, lovely, and I do enjoy her company, I'm just not sure our parenting styles are compatable.

OP posts:

TweedAddict · 03/10/2014 13:22

Her parenting style is nothing to do with you. Just see her without the kids

Vitalstatistix · 03/10/2014 13:22

I'd stop meeting up with the kids before I got so sick of it that it changed the way I saw or felt about her. And vv, of course.

tumbletime · 03/10/2014 13:25

If the difference in parenting style is the only problem and you still really like your friend as a person then the solution is just to only meet up with each other without the kids when you are able to, go for a drink etc.

pilates · 03/10/2014 13:27

I would meet up minus children.

VenusRising · 03/10/2014 13:31

See her without her kids.

You'll meet so many parents you like, but dislike them when they're with their kids, (or aren't crazy about their kids) so meet them without their kids, and yours.

likewise, your kid must be allowed to choose his own friends too.

Original poster

Stripylikeatiger · 03/10/2014 13:32

The meeting up minus children is a good idea, I'm not sure quite how to suggest it as we have ways met up with the dc previously.

OP posts:

Original poster

Stripylikeatiger · 03/10/2014 13:34

I feel a big bad about saying I only want to see her as she doesn't have many friends with dc, I wonder if maybe it's just a case of her not being around many other parents so not really grasping what is expected.

OP posts:

Vitalstatistix · 03/10/2014 14:32

I suppose the tactful thing to do would be to say that you want to meet up without the children for the moment because you want time to chat and to relax without having to focus on keeping your son busy and under control.

Aeroflotgirl · 03/10/2014 14:35

Either suggest meeting when they are at pre schoolroom in the evenings or distance myself. Sounds bloody hard work.

TarkaTheOtter · 03/10/2014 14:38

I'd just put up with it tbh. Unless you are planning to rear a child with her I can't see how it's that big a deal.
I've just moved to a new country and I've noticed a lot more parents like your friend. I used to think I was a bit "soft" but here I'm positively draconian. I just carry on doing it my way and my dc don't seem to feel that put out. I'm not afraid to intervene on my dcs behalf though if someone else's ineffectual parenting leaves them at a disadvantage.

Mammanat222 · 03/10/2014 14:42

She sounds like a nightmare to be honest and the kid is only going to get worse.

I'd be suggesting child-free meetings from now on.

Do you feel confident enough to broach it with her? IE next time her darling gives her a toy he has snatched from someone else tell her that someone else was playing with it?

Mammanat222 · 03/10/2014 14:43

PS: The café incident makes me cringe.

Cannot abide parents that think the world revolves around their precious offspring.

Scholes34 · 03/10/2014 16:19

Meet with DCs, but away from cafes and playgrounds - perhaps a walk in the park, feeding ducks (can you still do that now?), with your own picnic.

missymayhemsmum · 03/10/2014 22:45

If she's a good friend I would talk to her about this-I'm sure she wants her child to grow up with manners eventually but maybe she feels it's too soon to start imposing taking turns etc, and is quite baby-centred whereas you are starting as you mean to go on? If you can agree common rules for when you're out together it will be better for the kids, whatever you do at home.

SpaceStation · 03/10/2014 23:23

If she's the first one of these you've met you're doing quite well! I know loads of parents like this, to varying degrees. It was a shock to me when I had dc because I'm quite a liberal-minded person and I thought I'd be the laissez-faire parent. On the contrary, I'm relatively strict, just by virtue of doing what you describe op, on occasion making dc wait their turn, apologise for things, fit in with plans etc. - nothing heavy, just basic boundaries IMO.

I have stayed friends with some of these types. One has got a bit firmer as her kids have grown and she now has 3. Some I have just cut down on and see occasionally when feeling up to it!

One family both DP and I agreed we couldn't carry on with because it was so extreme. They banned the words "naughty" and "no" in front of their child and dp got a bollocking off the mum for saying no when the child hit him!

Another family we have recently pretty much stopped seeing because their child got worse and worse. Violence and pushiness that is manageable and "normal" at 2 or 3 is not funny any more when the child is 10 and is hurting your kids and his parents don't do anything. I would feel so angry with them too, for example when their child pointed a bow and arrow in my child's face, tried to trip me up while i was carrying a baby, tried to kick my son in the crotch, and the parents would just go "oh dc!" then buy him a treat 10 mins later. I really thought they were failing him and lost respect for them. Yes, that's judgy but I did tolerate it for years, but in the end I'd had enough.

The worst part is, like you say, that it's very hard to stick to boundaries with your own DC when they see another child hitting, demanding things, causing havoc and they get no consequences at all. It makes you look like the bad guy and is really frustrating. I think it is definitely ok to avoid these situations if you want to.

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 04/10/2014 01:25

You could just tell her the truth - you don't want your child exposed to/set the example of her child's behaviour any more, but since it is obviously up to her how she chooses to parent her child, you would prefer to meet up without the children in future.
If she asks for details/specifics give them to her, calmly and honestly. If she takes offence then that's her prerogative. Either way you hopefully end up no longer having to deal with her child. The truth might upset/hurt/anger her, but she needs to know it at some point or her poor child will be a little monster by the time he starts school
Feeling sorry for her is no reason to suffer yourself and let your DC suffer, and it's probably better coming from a friend than an irate parent in a cafe/soft/play/park who goes made because your friend's little angel just sank his teeth into little Jocasta or clonked Tarquin on the head with Thomas the Tank Engine or something...

ReallyOTT · 04/10/2014 01:29

You just have different parenting styles. Why do you think yours is the "correct" way and hers is not.

Who knows, she could be on a different parenting forum saying the same thing about you!

Morloth · 04/10/2014 01:49

I have dropped people before because of their parenting.

They can parent how they like and I can decide how to spend my time.

No doubt similar has been done to me. That's fine.

One numpty used to let her kid climb along the river side railings as we walked along. Kid couldn't swim, she couldn't swim. She jokingly said I would have to jump in after him if he fell.

She was pretty upset when I said no way, no how was I jumping into the Thames for anyone other than MY kid.

He was on the 'wrong' side of the railings BTW. Hanging out over the water and she let him because he screamed when she asked him not to.

Original poster

Stripylikeatiger · 04/10/2014 06:22

I actually think that in many ways I am quite baby/child centered, we co-sleep and I breastfeed, I just feel that at 2 a toddler doesn't always have the skills to interact with other small children without some direction and encouragement, I don't think queuing or taking it in turns comes naturally to small children but if every parent in the park allowed their child to push in, grab toys and hit/push other children it would be very dangerous and no fun for anyone.

The idea of meeting somewhere away from other children is good, a nice long walk will hopefully limit the clash of parenting styles.

It's a good point that maybe she is as frustrated about my parenting.

OP posts:

Delphiniumsblue · 04/10/2014 07:42

I had a friend like that. We met in parks, with plenty of room to run around, or we met without children. She is still a good friend 30 yrs later. Give up on the present arrangement.

combust22 · 04/10/2014 07:46

That's not parenting style- that's just rudeness.

"all the normal toddler things like trying to run away, pushing, snatching toys and so on"

And I don't agree that these things are "normal". many children don't behave like this.

Delphiniumsblue · 04/10/2014 07:50

I suppose it is 'normal' if adults don't intervene and talk about fairness etc

backbystealth · 04/10/2014 07:54

You have my sympathy.

I guess you have 4 options:

Talk to her gently about her shit parenting (but this will only work if you a consummate diplomat, she is receptive to constructive criticism and you are close enough friends)

Accept this is what she's like and try to rise above/adjust.

Make arrangements in places where her shit parenting isn't such an issue such as a large local park or even at one of your houses where there arent loads of similar aged kids.

Tell her you think it's a bit stressful at their age to get them together and you'd love to have arrangements just the two of you for a while to properly chat.

fairylightsintheloft · 04/10/2014 07:57

I think at 2, the vast majority DO behave like that at least some of the time. I agree that meeting without the kids is probably easiest - you could sort of hint at the issue if you said something like "now they aren't just babies we can't easily chat as we're always having to sort them out so lets meet alone". It will always come up, playdates including tea where one parent insists on clean plates but the other doesn't for instance.

HattieFranks · 04/10/2014 08:00

I had a 'friend' like this. Her child would hurt and upset my child deliberately. I used to feel constantly that my parenting style was being judged as I wouldn't let my children snatch, hit, run round the garden with kitchen scissors aged 3yrs etc. Different scenario to yours as actually it turned out that the mum was pretty vile too so I ditched her and moved on. Best move ever for me and my children. My dc found her kids pretty wearing too - don't underestimate that factor. I still see her occasionally. Her kids are the kids that some other parents don't want their kids hanging around with mine are lovely.

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