Friend with very different parenting style, wwyd?

[Stripylikeatiger]

I have a friend who has a dc the same age as my dc (2) we met at a baby group when the dc were little babies and we got on really well, had loads in common and generally had lots of fun together with our dc.

Now the dc are older things aren't quite so harmonious, out dc are both quite "spirited" high energy children who are doing all the normal toddler things like trying to run away, pushing, snatching toys and so on. I really try to give my child freedom whilst making sure he is safe and respecting the other children around him, so if he snatches a toy I intervene and make him give the toy back and say sorry, I stand with him if there is a queue for a slide and explain we need to wait but it's our turn soon.

My friend really never seems to have any control over what her dc is doing, he snatches toys and then takes them to his mum, she then keeps them on her knee and if other children come to take them she says no her dc is playing with them when in reality her dc is busy snatching more toys, she often ends up with a small pile of toys on her knee. Her dc isn't made to queue or wait he just pushes in, he'll run off and rather than catching up with him and saying no you don't run off you have to wait for mummy we all have to stop what we are doing and follow him as she's happy for him to decide where we all go at all times. Today we went to a really busy cafe, there were about 25 people in the queue, it would have probably taken at least half an hour to get served, my friend went to the front of the queue and requested they heat up her dc's food (that she had brought from home) and expected us to sit in the cafe (it was packed!) and eat food from home without buying anything (as the child would have been finished before the rest of us got served) I made an excuse to go home early.

I really like my friend but I struggle so much spending time with her when her chick is allowed to do precisely as he pleases, it's a challenge to encourage my child to be reasonably behaved without his little friend hitting/running away/pushing in whenever he pleases.

Wwyd, has anyone stopped seeing a friend because it's such hard work? My friend is fun, lovely, and I do enjoy her company, I'm just not sure our parenting styles are compatable.

I would tell her straight tbh next time she has a pile of toys say you can't keep all those toys it's not fair on the other kids and if her child pushes tell her you DC has just pushed all those kids out of the way and continue to look at her until she does something. I have a friend who hates to tell her children off and will pretend not to see things but i've found if I say xxx has just hit DS she will do something. If that doesn't work step in yourself if her childs actions are effecting your child and she is not willing to do anything you are well within your rights to step in to make sure your child is not hurt or treated unfairly.

If you say to her you can't do that maybe she will start to realise it's not ok to let your child run wild.

In my experience, its quite rare to meet another parent who you get on famously with, really like their kids, and feel that the parent does pretty much as you would in any given situation. Chances are you'll like the parent, or their DC will get on great with yours, and the rest you just have to make the best of.

It sounds to me like you and this mum have got into a bit of a rut with seeing too much of each other and so the differences between you are starting to really grate. I'd spread your net a little wider and try to meet some other mums with toddlers. Join a new group or two, or at least try a few things out - swimming, toddler gym, music class, etc, just so you don't feel like your only option is to hang out with this mum and get pissed off with her parenting.

I had to ditch a very good friend because of this. She was quite strict and smug about things I thought were unimportant or not things that I could much help in my ds (under 3 yo at that time), like no snacking, no grumpiness or whinging, walking everywhere (ds has always hated walking any longer distances and that age sat in a pushchair a fair bit -at 5, he now uses a bike to go everywhere). I always made sure he queued and didn't snatch, or hit. Nothing much can I do about his anxious, grumpyish and excitable personality, though.

One example was ds initiating a game of chase with her barely 3year old ds, but then getting genuinely anxious and scared by getting chased, so cutting the game short by running to me. It was mildly embarrassing for me, but I thought that it would get easier in time and with some exposure (tbh, he still goes a bit hysterical when chased and shows hus fear by giggling and screaming like a loon, but is getting better all the time). Dfriend said that this was deeply unfair on her ds (who didn't seem to mind at all, tbh) and I should stop my son initiating games if he "couldn't take them". It didn't happen that much, anyway, and I did tell off ds for being silly (although I did feel uncomfortable for doing so, as I didn't feel as if this behaviour was particularly under his control ) and explained the same to friend's ds ("oh dear, friend's ds - ds here is just being a bit silly here, aren't you? You're not as brave as friends ds, are you? Ok, well, let's play eye spy!"), but this wasn't enough for dfriend.

Friend insisted I copied her parenting ways or it would be "unfair for her children", and she couldn't see us anymore. I nearly bent to her will, as I hate conflict, but came to my senses soon, and cut her loose. Nobody is good enough for her children, so they are probably quite lonely. Conversely, ds is now getting on very well and liked at school, and nobody has had anything to say about his behaviour since. I'm still left a paranoid wreck and limit playdates in the fear that we are goibg to have a releat experience. I was so hurt, but ditching df was one of the best things I have done in a looong time. I am only sorry I didn't do it sooner.

I'm really terrible at diplomatically saying things so I'm quite afraid to speak to her about it.

I have a really lovely bunch of friends and I actually find it hard to find the time to see my friends but this friend is quite isolated so I think it would be a shame for her and her dc if we just stopped socializing.

I think that she just struggles with that feeling of wanting the best for your child and wanting them to be happy, I think that feeling over rides everything.

Ironically she has quite strict rules at home, no standing on the sofa is one rule, my dc is allowed to stand on the sofa, he actually jumps from the coffee table to the sofa which I don't mind as he thinks it's fun and he knows he can't behave like a monkey when we are in other people's houses but if my dc so much as stands or crawls on the sofa (in our own home) my friend tells him he must sit on the sofa at all times.

It is really hard to say anything, it's an extremely touchy subject, and as ReallyOTT say, you don't know you're right. I think my approach is a good balance, but who knows, maybe my super-lenient friends' kids will end up as presidents or heroes and mine will grow up and say they hate me because I was a shit parent. It is pretty bad to say "I don't like your parenting" even if you think it, and you have no proof that they are wrong and you are right.

This is why in cases where I don't see people any more, we've just drifted apart, not had a bust-up about it.

It sounds to me like your friendship with her has changed. Sorry but you are coming across as quite judgy so I think it's time to step away from her. You have lots of friends so you say and she is a big girl now so I'm sure she can find people who are going to be friends to her too and not having a go at how she parents on a forum.