to not know how to support DH through depression again

[doitalloveragain]

I'm expecting to be flamed for this post, I feel like I deserve to be, I'm a shitty unsupportive wife :(

DH has struggled with depression on and off for many years. I could write a list of contributing factors but we all know that you can have a million reasons or no reasons at all, it's a mental illness.

It goes in cycles, several good years followed by one or two depressed ones followed by several good ones. Over the last few months he's started cycling downwards again. I recognised the signs, he recognised the signs, I asked him to go speak to the GP to get a referral for CBT as soon as possible (it helped him a hell of lot last time). He did nothing. It got worse and I asked him again to please see the GP, I offered to go with him, I looked into whether he could self-refer to the community mental health nurse. He did nothing.

Now its at the point where he's in a full depression. He's snappy with the DC and with me. He can see no joy in anything and he has nothing good in his life. I know it's part of the illness but we have three wonderful children together, a good marriage (when he isn't depressed), I work hard to keep the house nice and running smoothly (he does contribute but I do the majority of the day to day Monday to Friday as I don't work), we've had lots of good times together and lots of good times to look forward to. It hurts me that he can't see any of it and that he says his life is shit. He seems to think everyone else is off doing wonderful things with bottomless pots of money at their disposal and I try explaining to him that most people have the same day to day that we have - look after the kids, watch TV, eat, sleep, shower, pay the bills, etc - with nice things like days/nights out, events, take aways, birthdays, holidays and so on dotted in between.

I feel like such a selfish bitch because I don't know if I can do this again. He's ill and I'm the one crying because it's dragging me down too. I keep trying and trying, I'm like Mary fucking Sunshine 24/7 to avoid making him any worse. I feel like I can't express any negativity about anything and that I can't express my feelings because I need to jolly him along and I need to constantly focus on the positive things. I tried saying once that you take your happiness where you can get it and that if you look for negative things you'll find them so now I feel like I need to demonstrate this all of the time. I'm like one of those people who is always looking on the sunny side. If my leg fell off I'd probably say never mind, at least my trousers will be half as cheap now. It's exhausting and I'm starting to resent him for it. I feel like a horrible person for it except no one cares how I feel, everything is focused on him and how he feels.

I have to push him to get showered, to get dressed, to eat, to play with the kids, to go to work. Constant push push push, persuading him, cajoling him, talking him into it by being upbeat and positive about it. Come on, lovely shower. Come on, I cooked your favourite. Come on, nice walk to the park with the children. He keeps phoning into work for last minute annual leave (his company allows this as it's big and no one has specific duties) because he can't get himself together enough to go, as a result he's used up all of his annual leave and maxed out his flexi time in the space of three months. He can't go on the sick because he's rang in sick here and there on bad days and ended up with a formal warning for his attendance. If he goes on sick again they'll finish him.

He finally went to the GP last week but refused a prescription for antidepressants. He has been given an open referral to the clinic that did his CBT last time but hasn't rang them to make an appointment.

I don't know what more I can do. I want him to try to get it under control, right now he's making us all unhappy and it feels like he doesn't care because he won't even try to pull himself up, he's pulling us down instead. How can I support him?

I'm really sorry, but you can't support him, unless he wants to try to get better himself. This is something he has to do for himself, and he'll only do it if he wants it enough.

If he recognised the signs of the depression BEFORE he went into full blown depression and still didn't do anything about it then I think that tells you everything you need to know.

I certainly couldn't stay.

Yanbu for feeling like this way at all. He did absolutely nothing to help himself before he got into a spiral again. You've offered all the support to get him going but he turned that down too. You can't save or help someone if they don't want to at least meet you half way. He's being totally selfish and it's no excuse.
It's not fair on your kids too, their childhood is being clouded by a parent who doesn't want help when he could get it.

I don't know Yackity, even in the early stages it can be hard to confront.

OP, I don't know what to suggest, but I wanted to offer my support and say that I get it. I have a similar situation with my DP. I understand what you are saying.

I have tried to be supportive, but it can get to a point where you feel resentment because you aren't 'allowed' to express any negativity that you feel yourself. I am trying to be supportive, but I feel unsupported, even though I know he can't support himself, never mind me.

It's hard and lonely.

What I really want is for him to be well, I feel horrible for being impatient.

Supporting someone through a 'physical' illness is hard too, but depression has such an effect on those close to the depressed person, its so hard.

First off, from reading your OP you are the OPPOSITE of a shitty unsupportive wife so stop thinking that straight away. You are a person who has just as much of a right to feel angry, upset or frustrated as anyone else - including your husband with or without depression.

You are being put in a very difficult situation which is made worse by your husband's refusal to seek help for a medical condition which is impacting on the entire family. Yes, being Mary f*ing sunshine might buoy you along and get you through the day, but doing that indefinitely is exhausting and more than a little bit soul destroying, particularly if you feel it's not having its intended effect.

He is expecting you to be responsible for his happiness and, by the sounds of it, the happiness of the entire family whilst being selfishly immune to the impact this has on you. You can support him once he decides to get help, but until he does there is very little you can do and I would be making that clear.

Dont beat yourself up over this. Its exhausting living with a partner who has MH issues. And i say this as a sufferer of depression and as an ex-partner of someone who suffered from depression. He needs to take some of the responsibility on his own shoulders and unfortunately the only thing we can really do is ride it out. BUT...and I may get flamed for saying this, you have to try and not let him bring you down. You and the DC need to carry on as normal, enjoy your time, if he feels he cannot join in then tough. You cannot make him start CBT, but then he cannot expect you and the DC to join in with his mood as it is just now. Its worrying that he knew that this was coming but did nothing to try and prevent it from hitting hard.

The one thing I always did/do when others saw the signs before me, was go and seek help before I dragged everyone into my hole. Im sorry I cannot be of anymore help OP.

He wants to the CBT, he says he wants it, but he can't seem to bring himself to get up and get it.

I don't want to tell him that he has to leave, I love him and I know he loves us. When he has good days he's amazing, exactly like his old self. He's still in there and I don't know how to switch that off and tell him to go. I always roll my eyes at women who say that and yet here I am saying it.

I had thought about giving him a deadline. Seek help by a set date, and I'll do all I can to help, or leave until it's under control.

YANBU OP. I think you need a break. Could your DH live somewhere else for a while? His Mum? If he is unwilling to help himself (meds etc.), he can't inflict that on his wife and children. I know that depression makes him unwilling. He has to realise the impact his illness has on you all.

My Mum had depression for years before her death. There is only so much you can do for someone else before it begins to drag you down. It seems so harsh to say it but my life is better now she has passed. I'm sure she herself (at a younger age)would be horrified at how her life turned out in the end.

All I can focus on is not ending up in the same position in my life. I stay proactive with regard to my own mental health and I sought help quickly after the birth of DD1 when I was struggling.

Look after yourself and your children OP.

I've texted him at work with the number of the CBT clinic, I've asked him to phone them before he gets home tonight and said that we need to have a serious discussion if he doesn't. He hasn't replied.

My h wont go to a gp hes fine apparently I hear what you are saying its bloody hard work. You are not unsupportive there is only so much as mere mortals we can do and cope with no wise words im afraid but I hope you are ok you are important too be kind to yourself

very unfair of him not to make any effort, almost as if he benefits from being depressed or its a way of controlling you OP

Why wouldn't the GP prescribe antidepressants, I find that odd, are you sure he actually went??

Am not suggesting that antidepressants are the be all and end all but if someone is at risk of losing their job then they need something to start helping more quickly that CBt. Also the clinical trial evidence has found that it's psychological therapy plus antidepressants that work most effectively for most people.

Slightly personal Q but could it be that your DH is worried about how the antidepressants might effect him performance wise, this is something a lot of men find very difficult.

I thought he refused the meds but the GP offered them?

GP offered them, he refused. He says he's doesn't want to have to drug himself up to get through the day and that we deserve better than to live with a zombie.

He's texted me back promising that he'll ring them and asking if I'm angry with him, he thinks I sounded angry in my text.

You all deserve better, including him. I think he needs to try them to see if they may help. The status quo is not an option for you and he needs to know that.

You probably are angry - with depression, with the situation, with the good/bad cycle and, as hard as may be to say it, with him, despite knowing it's the illness that is causing the problems. Angry and fed up and dreading the reality of the rest of your life with this good/bad cycle intruding.

I'm not sure how much it is worth discussing this though. I found that my Mum used everything negative I said to beat herself with which led to deeper depression.

Do you have someone you can really talk to in RL?

You have the right to be angry, and the right to tell him so. You saw the signs, and he is not helping himself. You have 3 children, and frankly, he is not just holding you down, but dragging you down. It is not fair on you and the kids.

Will you be prepared to ask him to leave? He knows you wont, so he can wallow for a year or two all he likes.

OP, I totally get this. I have also lived through a partner's depression and wish I could have been as restrained as you are :).

I don't understand why GP wouldn't prescribe, or why he wouldn't take it. It's a pill, it helps. You can't struggle on your own with depression, and an AD will make a pretty instant change. He may not like it but he needs to do it, for you and his family.

It's terrifying wondering if he's going to lose his job, I have also been there. We got through it but it was the most miserable time. Someone suggested that I go to a group that supported partners/carers of people with depression. I got as far as looking them up but didn't go - I think I was in a bit of an depression myself by that point. But I wish I had. You need anything you can get to keep your head above water.

And, if it helps, don't worry too much about being cheerful. My DP said what he needed was to see the rest of us being normal and getting on with life. It is the loneliest thing - I really feel for you. Talk to friends, do stuff that lifts your spirits. As often as you can.

And you're NBU at all

He's not trying to control you or bring you down, he's ill.

I work in MH and have also had a couple of episodes of depression that were life-threatening. So I've seen all sides - experiencing it, trying to help and seeing what it does to everyone around it.

I don't know your DP but I think I can guess how he's thinking....I have all these things, a supportive wife, lovely children, a job. All these things that people say spell happiness but it doesn't. It's not enough. I still feel empty and as if I don't want to be here. But I have all these lovely things!. So, it's me. I'm the problem. I am a shit person who could have everything and still be unhappy. The problem is me. I'm not good enough, I'll never deserve all those good things. I am a deeply flawed person who causes pain to the people who love me. It would be better for them and me if I wasn't bringing such shit into their lives. If all this doesn't make me happy then what will?. This is enough for everyone else so if it's not enough for me then I'm the fucked-up one.

We have these days when it seems fine and I'm happy. I'm watching the kids and my lovely wife and they're making me smile and it seems perfect. Till I think about it later and remember it was a facade, I was pretending to enjoy it (this isn't true but it's what depressive thinking is).

I thought it was depression, I believed it was. I thought CBT/meds helped but now I realise I was just convincing myself I was better. It keeps coming back so it's not that I'm ill, it's not a MH problem, it's ME. A shit person with a shit life and it will ALWAYS be this way. I will always be like this because I'M the problem. Why bother pretending with meds or CBT? It can't fix the terrible person I am.

OP, I think I understand where your DP 'is' but I also know that your love and support won't make him better. He has to try and it will be hard for him and he'll think it's pointless but if he doesn't feel he can try then you need to do whatever you think is right to keep you sane and happy.

Good luck. It's a horrible illness but being around someone who's 'in' it is soul-destroying if they don't seem to want to help themselves. But even though you really need to look after yourself and your children, don't forget who the well person is because that's the real him.

Sorry, got confused about the meds. No one wants to take them but a functioning, awake zombie on the path to recovery is better than a drug free lump in the bed.

I suffer periodic severe depression.

The deal I came to with my dh was that if he thinks I'm getting low I'll see the GP and ask advice (dh is a GP, trusts his colleagues), and that if it's recommended I'll pursue treatment (mainly ADs/antipsychotics for me, I'm all therapied out!).

I agree to that as I know I can't make rational decisions when I'm on the trough.

GP understands the situation and if either of us (I consented to this while fully well) thinks I need a psychiatrist, that's organised.

We came to our "action plan" when I was mentally healthy. For a variety of reasons I'm likely to remain on this pattern for the rest of my life.

We've had to be this organised, with dc and dh's job we need plans, control.

I can't help you in this episode, but once your dh feels good, it might be worth putting a "just in case" plan.

Wishing you all strength. I see in my dh the toll of living with a chronic depressive spouse. It ain't pretty.

We all have our limits OP and depression is bloody tough to live with. Please dont beat yourself up. I wonder if there are any support groups nearby for spouses of people who are depressed. Do such things exist? I also really like weegiemums approach.

Would CBT over the telephone help? The Healthy Minds people are supposed to be very good and run the service within a given health authority. You just have to find the local one through Google. They phone you (even on mobiles) so no phone bill, and you can self-refer, though it's probably better to go via the GP so they're expecting you.

Best wishes OP. Tough situation and hard to explain to others.

I cannot comment you your DH's issues, as I have never dealt with MH issues (other than an alcohic father, so possibly a bit similar!), but you are doing your best, so do not feel bad! You are in a sht position, and your DH is in a sht position.

I would suggest finding a group where you can vent your feelings (possibly online) and maybe occassionally let down the mask, DH cannot know how you feel if you keep pretending you are fine and happy...

I agree with weegiemum's approach, when he gets well, you need to be proactive as a couple and see your GP to set up the long-term action plan.

Best wishes

I could have written your post 6 months ago. Living with a partner with depression is ridiculously hard, especially when you have to shoulder not just the physical burdens of managing the house and family alone but the emotional burden. It just feels so UNFAIR and while it is important to remember that the depressed person is ill and going through hell, it's also true that the rest of the family often is too.

In the end meds and time helped with my DH, his is cyclical so it comes but does go. But I'm still not sure if we can live as a family unit if he gets ill again.

Your DH really needs meds, if he won't shift then it sounds like you at minimum need more support, maybe from family or a support group. Are his family aware of what he is going through? My MIL and close but she turned out to be incredibly helpful, she gave DH an extra shoulder to cry on and us a place to come when home was too much, when I didn't want to make too much of a fuss to my family in case they ended up hating DH. Now DH is on the mend he also (pushed by me this time) agreed to some ongoing CBT so he gets better at recognising signs next time. Good luck and look after yourself

I'm sorry to hear this, I'm in a (sort of) similar situation and it's so difficult. I agree with posters above though, he doesn't seem to want to help himself so there's really not a huge amount you can do. I've tried ignoring it with my DP, I've tried talking about it, I've tried really pushing him... nothing works unless they help themselves.

I really hope he feels better soon, for all of your sakes.