to not know how to support DH through depression again

[doitalloveragain]

I'm expecting to be flamed for this post, I feel like I deserve to be, I'm a shitty unsupportive wife :(

DH has struggled with depression on and off for many years. I could write a list of contributing factors but we all know that you can have a million reasons or no reasons at all, it's a mental illness.

It goes in cycles, several good years followed by one or two depressed ones followed by several good ones. Over the last few months he's started cycling downwards again. I recognised the signs, he recognised the signs, I asked him to go speak to the GP to get a referral for CBT as soon as possible (it helped him a hell of lot last time). He did nothing. It got worse and I asked him again to please see the GP, I offered to go with him, I looked into whether he could self-refer to the community mental health nurse. He did nothing.

Now its at the point where he's in a full depression. He's snappy with the DC and with me. He can see no joy in anything and he has nothing good in his life. I know it's part of the illness but we have three wonderful children together, a good marriage (when he isn't depressed), I work hard to keep the house nice and running smoothly (he does contribute but I do the majority of the day to day Monday to Friday as I don't work), we've had lots of good times together and lots of good times to look forward to. It hurts me that he can't see any of it and that he says his life is shit. He seems to think everyone else is off doing wonderful things with bottomless pots of money at their disposal and I try explaining to him that most people have the same day to day that we have - look after the kids, watch TV, eat, sleep, shower, pay the bills, etc - with nice things like days/nights out, events, take aways, birthdays, holidays and so on dotted in between.

I feel like such a selfish bitch because I don't know if I can do this again. He's ill and I'm the one crying because it's dragging me down too. I keep trying and trying, I'm like Mary fucking Sunshine 24/7 to avoid making him any worse. I feel like I can't express any negativity about anything and that I can't express my feelings because I need to jolly him along and I need to constantly focus on the positive things. I tried saying once that you take your happiness where you can get it and that if you look for negative things you'll find them so now I feel like I need to demonstrate this all of the time. I'm like one of those people who is always looking on the sunny side. If my leg fell off I'd probably say never mind, at least my trousers will be half as cheap now. It's exhausting and I'm starting to resent him for it. I feel like a horrible person for it except no one cares how I feel, everything is focused on him and how he feels.

I have to push him to get showered, to get dressed, to eat, to play with the kids, to go to work. Constant push push push, persuading him, cajoling him, talking him into it by being upbeat and positive about it. Come on, lovely shower. Come on, I cooked your favourite. Come on, nice walk to the park with the children. He keeps phoning into work for last minute annual leave (his company allows this as it's big and no one has specific duties) because he can't get himself together enough to go, as a result he's used up all of his annual leave and maxed out his flexi time in the space of three months. He can't go on the sick because he's rang in sick here and there on bad days and ended up with a formal warning for his attendance. If he goes on sick again they'll finish him.

He finally went to the GP last week but refused a prescription for antidepressants. He has been given an open referral to the clinic that did his CBT last time but hasn't rang them to make an appointment.

I don't know what more I can do. I want him to try to get it under control, right now he's making us all unhappy and it feels like he doesn't care because he won't even try to pull himself up, he's pulling us down instead. How can I support him?

I have no advice, but I understand. My dh suffers from chronic ptsd. Staying together is so damn hard, but under the illness, depression and anxiety he's still in there, so I stay for the real him.

Thank you everyone, you're all lovely.

I don't think he's trying to control me or deliberately drag me down. I was upset at the weekend, all of it getting to me. He packed the kids up, even the baby, made me a cuppa and then took them out for a little walk so I could have half a hour to myself. He came back with kola kubes for me (my favourites as a kid and what I craved when pregnant) and said it was bad enough him feeling this way, he doesn't want me to feel it too. The thoughtful gestures are typical of the old him, when he's well.

When he's well, he's the best. He's kind, sweet, thoughtful. He's funny, he makes me laugh so much, it's the reason I went out with him in the first place. He's supportive too. Back when I was working he put up with me travelling, working late, and so on to get ahead in my job then when we had the children he supported me when I was forced out of my job and took the decision to be a SAHM instead. He's held my hand through pregnancies, early miscarriage, late miscarriage, surgery, redundancy, family fallouts, funerals and more. He's the oh who will walk in and say to me "what's it about?" then he'll set about making it better.

When he's well. And I so desperately want him to get well again

His family are, to put it politely, fractured. He doesn't have a relationship with his mum and his dad is a bit of an enabler. If DH is down he encourages him to wallow, to phone in sick, to lump about the place, to not bother with the CBT or the GP. It's counterproductive.

My family are well-meaning but misguided. They don't understand depression or why DH can't just buck up and make do. They believe everyone is captain of their own happiness and being unhappy is a choice. They try to help by doing things to cheer him up, they'll have the DC to sleep over at theirs so we can go out, DM will send soup or a pie round as a comfort thing, my dad goes for a couple of drinks or fishing or hiking every fortnight or so with my brother and DH is always invited along. They think the solution to depression is to choose to be happy instead of unhappy, anything else is being deliberately miserable.

Tell him all that. Tell him all about your last post. Then tell him what he needs to do to get him back to that.

If he doesn't want to do that, then tell him what will happen if he doesn't.

That's all you can do.

I have been in your H's position. I can only imagine that being in yours is dreadful too. Last time I was really bad, suicidal even, H had an affair? Could you try that?

Sorry. An attempt at humour ...

I can't give you an suggestions because I don;t know myself. All I can tell you is that depression is an illness that clouds everything, wraps the sufferer in bonds of debilitating misery and saps their will. It's like a living death. And the easy solution to this - ADs - carry their own problems too. CBT - if you can get it - may work but probably not at the moment.

I know what helps me - exercise - I go running 3 times a week and am looking for a 10k to enter to give me motivation.

I am off my meds atm - have been for 6 months now - and doing OK. I came off them for probably the same reasons your H rejected them because they are not neccessarily the panacea many people think - IMO they are an urgent blunt response to an emergency situation. Perhaps he doesn't feel he is there yet. But I am aware that at any point I may need them again - problem is if I get to a really bad point I may not have the clarity to understand or accept that at the time.

I am in exactly the same situation. Can anyone recommend a support network for partners of those with depression? Or should I start a rolling thread somewhere? Where would be the best place to start it?

Hi OP, just wanted to add to the other messages on here that you are definitely not a bad wife. You are doing the best you can for him and your family. You cannot force him into anything. I know it's hard. My DH suffers cyclical depression too and he refuses medication. Says he doesn't want to be on pills all his life, won't help and he self medicates through his own methods ( wine and films in bed after work). It feels like having another child sometimes and the being permanently happy to someone who is monosyllabic is hard. Hope that this passes quickly so that you can have a 'real' conversation.

Yanbu to feel you can't go through this again. Depression is very hard to deal with as a spouse or next of kin. At some point your needs come first.

You aren't selfish, OP. It breaks my heart to read your OP because I am in the same situation in your DH and therefore my DH is in your situation; one of my greatest fears is that he will one day "give up" on me, as I find myself sliding down into depression once again.

I want to write a longer response but am not sure I have the wherewithal to do so right now, so I'll just post this. It's a very trivial and silly thing, but have you ever read "I Had a Black Dog" and, more pertinently to you, "Living with a Black Dog", by Matthew Johnstone? Both me and my DH find them very apt and comforting at times when it's needed.

Another thing that helped both me and DH, I think, is reading self-help books on depression together - literally sitting side by side and reading the same copy at the same pace. He would be able to comment on descriptions that he recognised me in and reassure me that everything the book was saying (r.e. me being worthy and deserving of recovery etc) were very true. He then also had a very clear idea of the actions being recommended and could help motivate me to do them. Sometimes "try to get better" or even "go to a doctor" can be too big and scary a prospect for someone with depression - but a small task from a self-help book, like "write down one good thing that happened to you today" can be achievable.

I have also been in this position. 18 months ago I was ready to leave over exactly the same thing. I was so upset and broken hearted about the whole thing, but was making plans without him - opened a new bank account, was looking at houses I could afford to rent on my own (with the kids). One day he just asked me if I was leaving and I said yes. It opened his eyes to just how difficult things were for me and the kids, and he asked me to give him a month to try to turn it around.

18 months later things are much better. I do not pussy foot around it any more though - if I think he is having a bad day I'll tell him, not just a sweetness and light "is everything OK?" but a definite "you have been difficult today, what is the problem?"

I'm not saying you have to hang in there, just that I recognise how hard it is. You have to make sure you are looking after yourself, as depression is 'contagious' - living with a depressed person can make you depressed.

Only you can decide how much you can manage to give, and no one who matters/knows the situation will judge you whatever you decide to do.

Anyone who has never lived with a depressed partner has no idea

I sadly had to end my relationship mainly for the sake of my children - we are still sort of together but not living under the same roof

This worked for me as damage limitation - also I can only find the strength to help pick him up if I gave a hole to retire to and can recharge my own batteries ifyswim

Depression fallout
Anne Sheffield books are good how to Survive when they are depressed...

THat's tough. Don't beat yourself up, you have been supportive but it's time to protect yourself. Your own mental health is important too.

Why don't you phone Mind 0300 123 3393. They may have some good advice and will also provide a neutral listening ear for you to offload onto

You have my deep sympathies too I know how much patience and energy it takes to do what you're doing, and how exhausting and enraging it is. I'm sorry.

I cannot recommend this highly enough: couples' counseling. He needs his own therapist, of course, but you also need a space where you can talk honestly about how hard it is to be carrying all the weight; and he can talk honestly about how it feels for him to be letting you down; and a skilled third party can help you both set up some ways to support each other that are not too taxing and some boundaries so you both have room for your own feelings. With a good counselor, this will give you both enormous relief as a couple while he is getting the help he needs separately. Really, please look into it.

Huge sympathies from me too. It's hugely stressful supporting a depressed spouse. It sounds like you have a lovely, loving caring relationship with eachother which is such a wonderful thing.
I live with my dhs seasonal depression every year. It nearly sends me over the edge every time. I've just bought the books recommended up thread. I'd be very interested in being part of some kind of supportive thread for spouses of depressed partners - it sounds like sharing what works to support and cope while having somewhere to say: 'these are my bloody feelings, actually' would be really helpful.
Op you are doing brilliantly under immense strain.

OP, how are you doing?

I'm bumping this thread because we're heading into winter and I think it's really important to get some support going.

H

Pressed send too soon

He's making steps.

He came home and had emailed the mental health team. They want to do a telephone assessment but they're only open Monday to Friday 9 to 4 and he's at work then so they've made an appointment for a phone call next week when he's got some leave booked in.

We had a talk that night and I was a bit blunt with him. Basically said that I love him, which I do, but that I couldn't go through another bout of depression with him unless he was fighting it alongside me because it's not fair on me to have to carry us both 24/7 and that I'm here to support him but I can't do it for him, he needs to meet me halfway. There were some tears, a bit of swearing on both sides, but when it was done and dusted he agreed it needs to change.

As well as making arrangements with the mental health team he's spoken to his boss and sorted out a referral to occupational health. They've recommended a change of hours and a location move, if it's taken up he'll do the same amount of hours but slightly different shifts and he'll be a little bit closer to home so a shorter commute which will make his work day that little bit shorter. They've also recommended that his depression be counted under the company disability and chronic illness policy (I think that's it's name) which means if he does take time off due to depression then a reasonable portion of it won't count as sickness for disciplinary purposes. I've worded that badly. Basically if he's having a really bad day he can phone in sick and doesn't need to worry that he'll be immediately shit-canned.

He's been looking at things outside of work too. He's got plans this weekend to go out with one his friends that he hasn't seen in a while. He used to be a bit of a gamer too and he's asked me if I'd mind him taking out an xbox live subscription. He's started drawing again too.

It's not all roses and happy times, last night I had to tell him to take a fucking shower and have a shave because he hadn't in days and we had an argument over a wedding we've been invited to because as soon as he opened it he started looking for excuses not to go. But at least he's trying now and he's making little changes, I'm a bit more hopeful that it might not last as long this time. He wants to have a take away tonight and watch a DVD and he's promised DS that they're going to do something together on Sunday whereas a few weeks ago if I'd asked what shall we do this weekend he'd have shrugged or said nothing.