Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To feel sad about this

67 replies

ememem84 · 03/10/2014 06:41

Totally ready to be told it am being unreasonable. So here goes.

Yesterday was my special birthday. A bit spoiled from parents and mil. Lovely "keep forever" gifts.

Dh sent flowers to my work. No gift. No card. Despite having continuously banged on for the last month or so about how special this birthday was. No gift. On weds I was told it hadn't arrived. Yesterday I asked and was told he was going to get this that or the other but didn't. So nothing.

Aibu to expect a gift from him?

(To be clear it was his big birthday in august. And I threw him a party, bought a shiny watch etc...)

OP posts:

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 03/10/2014 09:59

It was my 30th last year and I made damn sure I was gonna celebrate it the I wanted, I've done 3 decades on this planet, I was gonna bloody celebrate.

OP tell DH that he ballsed up and he better get planning something.

redautumnleaves · 03/10/2014 10:02

Is there any chance he might still surprise you with a present that had to be waited for? Like a weekend away or a trip to the theatre or something? YANBU to feel the way you do. Did he acknowledge previous birthdays in an appropriate way?

GreenerthanGrass · 03/10/2014 10:52

I wonder if he might still surprise you. I hope so

Staywithme · 03/10/2014 10:57

Flowers are lovely, however they also strick me as a "fuck me, forgot to get the wife a birthday present, quick, I'll send her flowers!" type of present.

QueenChrysalis · 03/10/2014 11:10

Sorry OP, it's so totally bloody unreasonable. 30 is a big birthday to me, ending your twenties is a big deal, good and bad, I felt quite sad about it and needed a fuss to get past that and distract me. I gave a lot of hints before my 30th which is coming up to two yrs ago and specifically asked for him to book a restaurant, preferably a babysitter two but at least a lunch out. Luckily I made a fuss of myself and went for a weekend away with a friend just before. I cried so much when I found out he wasn't lying about no bookings, no card, no gift, just a cake he made because baking is his hobby and I was still trying to lose baby weight. For his 30th I surprised him with a trip to Florida to fulfil a childhood dream of visiting universal studios.

I don't know if it is a man thing or a personality thing - a therapist asked if he was a worrier and had thought about it but procrastinated too much to commit to buying or doing something. He did think about it but not enough to act and I still don't know why. The next year I emailed links to gifts and again he didn't do it but I kept asking if he had so in the end I just ordered it myself. It's not excusable but at least I won't be disappointed, and I won't bother making a big deal for him anymore. In the end we went shopping and bought something very expensive for my 30th a week later. I'd have been happy with something far cheaper but with some effort made.

LemonadeRayGun · 03/10/2014 11:17

Flowers are a pants impersonal no-thought gift and 30 is a massively special birthday. yANBU, your DH should have gotten you a gift. Boooo DH.

WaroftheRoses · 03/10/2014 11:50

Will watch this post with interest. I had similar earlier in the year but an even bigger significant birthday. I knew my OH was (secretly) having something made for me but on my birthday I didn't receive anything from my OH or kids-not even a card (or my other family save 2 cards in the post). My OH took a day off work and took me for lunch-but as he is the boss he takes a day regularly when he feels like. My present turned up 2 months later and now, 4 months on is still incomplete and not able to be used. I mean-he only had a year (or more to be fair!) to get it sorted. Opinion on here was split but many people thought I was being grabby and ungrateful..... So I await the responses to your post!
AFAIC no-YANBU-partners (and kids in my case) should make some bloody effort. Especially if you had done so for them. Happy Belated Birthday

Greyhound · 03/10/2014 12:01

I don't know - I would be pretty pleased if my dh sent me flowers for my birthday but if you were expecting something more then you must feel disappointed.

Hope he gets you something better.

Nancy66 · 03/10/2014 12:04

no card is a bit shit. But I'm with the others in that I don't consider 30 a special birthday.

DanielSan · 03/10/2014 12:07

YANBU at all. My DH thinks that because he doesn't care about his birthdays, it means he can not give a shit about anybody else's. I've tried to tell him that it's not about what he thinks, it's about what would hurt other people. His Mum used to buy (and write!!!) her own birthday cards and Mother's day cards. He is better now, but for my 30th I got nada - he didn't forget, just chose not to get anything, worst fight we've ever had - I couldn't talk too him for 2 days. I think it was because he had hinted that he would ask me to marry him on my 30th earlier on in the year, and there was just nothing. I will stress that he is much much better now, but only because I made it clear how hurt and angry I was. If there is nothing forthcoming over the weekend, you are well within your rights to go apeshit.

hormonalandneedingcheese · 03/10/2014 12:24

YANBU, but could he be planning something for this weekend?

moonbells · 03/10/2014 13:10

Oh ememem84 yesterday was mine too. I got no card from DH as he couldn't find one he liked! I nearly said that I didn't care if he bought a postcard from the post office or printed a pic of one of the dcats and used that, I just like having a card to remind me. I feel quite sad too.

Have a virtual card from a fellow 2nd October lass!

Original poster

ememem84 · 03/10/2014 22:03

Update. I mentioned that I was sad. He apologised. He didn't mean to make me sad. He went into work today and got a barrage of abuse apparently from his colleagues who basically told him he was a bit rubbish.

I think tbh it's the card that bothers me the most.

For those who are interested, the flowers were sunflowers and gerbora daisies.

He's going to get me something tomorrow apparently. Tonight we've been for Chinese, and we've bought my favourite wine.

OP posts:

awsomer · 03/10/2014 22:17

Glad things are on the up

mmgirish · 03/10/2014 22:19

For my 30th my husband bought me a USB memory stick.... He seriously thought it was a good present.

partialderivative · 03/10/2014 22:23

I spent my 30th having a bowl of ice cream on my own in a shop on the Gabarone - Francistown road in Botswana.

Seemed fine to me.

(I got drunk in the evening with some friends, no presents or cards)

blanketyblank100 · 03/10/2014 22:26

You know you're not being unreasonable, OP. That sucks, for any birthday. Is he usually this selfish?

Wickeddevil · 03/10/2014 22:26

Mmgirish. There goes the lie it's the thought that counts

blanketyblank100 · 03/10/2014 22:27

My DH bought me a dressage horse for my 30th birthday (and we were not loaded).

skylark2 · 03/10/2014 22:28

I'd consider flowers sent to work to be a big deal, and we never give one another cards. I'd expect a curry, possibly in an actual curryhouse rather than a takeaway.

Not a big fan of throwing money at celebrations.

HolgerDanske · 04/10/2014 09:53

If you're not a big fan then clearly it won't matter...

The point is, the OP does like to make a fuss of birthdays so it does matter to her.

OP I think that now is a perfect time to explain to your man, if you haven't already, what exactly it is that you look forward to on birthdays. He might have thought he was making a great loving gesture by having flowers sent to your work, when actually you wanted, and were unconsciously expecting, something else like a night out and a lovely card that you could keep and read again every so often.

We can't expect people to intuit what we want so unless we've made it clear we're probably not going to get it.

I'm glad you've had the talk and hopefully next year he'll understand and have a better chance of meeting expectations.

Happy birthday

HeadingHome · 04/10/2014 09:57

Flowers are not a gift, they are a garnish

MidniteScribbler · 04/10/2014 10:00

You 'banged on' for a whole month before hand. Are you five? I wouldn't expect a grown adult to have to go on about their birthday like that, and would be pretty over it by the time it actually rolled around.

m0therofdragons · 04/10/2014 10:01

Yanbu. It's not about the amount spent but I would expect dh to plan something even if it was just a nice picnic. One of my biggest bugbears is dh planning to take me out as a treat but I'm left sorting childcare. Dh is better now after my last strop. I took dh away for his 30th but by mine I had 6 month old dtds and 3yo dd. We went to euro Disney and dh bought me a diamond necklace. The first piece of jewellery he's ever bought without my input and it is beautiful. I wouldn't expect that every birthday but I do expect to be the centre of dh's attention.

Primadonnagirl · 04/10/2014 10:03

Aw..there nothing worse than feeling a bit unloved on your birthday. Flowers are nice but they are zilch effort..more a gesture than a present I think. I have so many disappointing birthday stories and it hurts my feelings cos I put effort into others birthdays. DH once bought me a cheap track suit..and I cried! ExH once bought me a wine glass ( a single wine glass) in the airport shop ( and no we weren't going on a birthday trip) and gave it to me, in the bag , and said "Here you are". I know exactly how you feel!

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread