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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To pack my 12 year old twin son's bags and dump them at the SS office?

76 replies

UpInTheAirAgain · 02/10/2014 17:54

Lighthearted not.

Really either they are going to kill each other, cause me a heart attack, or I will cause them irreparable damage by strangling them.

They are adult sized with feet to match and enjoy kicking 10 barrels of shit out of each other. They hate each other and unfortunately as they have to live with each and share a room and go to and from school together, there is no escape for either of them from each other.

They also won't sleep until midnight most nights so we start the day with pubescent high pitched squealing that they want to stay in bed, they won't get dressed unless they are told 20 million times, 'forget' to brush teeth, hair, pack bags, put PE kits in bags, clean shoes and lets not mention all the stuff they lose at school - football boots, swimming kits, lunch cards, locker keys and I have to pay for replacements. Add to that all the detentions they get for being late and not doing their homework which makes me feel like a shit mother.

At home, they are utter soap dodging, insolent nightmares unless they are connected to an electrical device.

To think that I gave up my career to stay at home with them for 6 years as we could not afford the fees for them to be in full time nursery and after school care for our older DC and I could not bear to leave them. I am an utter mess with the stress as we have never had any family support.

I do love them wholeheartedly but I have just had ENOUGH! Advice on how to get them to adulthood alive appreciated!

OP posts:
Beingfrank · 02/10/2014 18:48

As a parent of twin boys who argue, fight and bicker a lot of the time (where are the mythical twins who are so close they can't bear to be parted?) I really sympathise with you. We have been lucky enough to create an extra bedroom so they don't share any more, and that has helped with the bedtime nonsense a bit.

Anyone who says twins are double trouble is wrong - it's more like quadruple. I'm really sorry not to have any bright ideas for you but you have my huge sympathy.

Beingfrank · 02/10/2014 18:50

PS we are also thinking separate secondary schools is the way to go, but that may not be a realistic option for you.

duhgldiuhfdsli · 02/10/2014 18:51

They have even 'pick pocketed' their phones out my pockets

So next time, just put the phone on a hard surface, and hit it with a hammer. Problem solved.

Alternatively, you're presumably paying for the phones. You could perfectly easily stop doing so.

Calaveras · 02/10/2014 18:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

doziedoozie · 02/10/2014 18:52

Was just going to say what Gerbils has - separate schools.

Just the fear of one of them going to a new school (which ime is every child's worst nightmare - though of course it turns out ok in the end) might be enough to stop the carry on.

Tell them this is what you are going to do, don't say which is being moved to the new school. Arrange a couple of visits to the said schools, meet the HM, discuss travel arrangements. They will prob be so scared that it is them that is going they will start to behave in the hope that the other will be chosen.

But can you also take them to different hobbies, taking both to the same things all the time gives them no break from each other.

Original poster
UpInTheAirAgain · 02/10/2014 18:55

gerbils have been musing separate schools but they go to an outstanding one and the other one in the area is inadequate.

Which one to send to the shit school. That is my problem. I have always been totally anal about treating them equally even buying them two of the same thing so they don't bloody fight. Total waste of time!

OP posts:
ohtheholidays · 02/10/2014 19:01

Get a safety box with a padlock and key on and wear the key on a necklace.

Place all they're electrical bits and pieces in there.They don't get them back till they can behave themselves.

Have you spoke to the school about the problems your having with them at home.They can help when the situation has got this bad.

We have it in stereo to,no twins but 5DC,three are teenagers,DD11 is hormonal already and two of our DC are autistic so you have my sympathy.

bloodyteenagers · 02/10/2014 19:02

I agree.
Remove every single gadget.
Change the passwords on the gadgets and the wifi.
Tell them this is how it is going to be from now on.
They don't need any of the gadgets. They want them. Big difference.
They have to earn privileges back and not talking a night. Long term.
The new rules will be showered and in bed by x time. They don't have a shower, well it is them that will have to deal with their mates calling them stinky.

Encourage them to get different hobbies. Different groups of friends so they have time apart.

No violence. Name consequences.

Loosing their stuff will result in them loosing their pocket money.

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance · 02/10/2014 19:16

If your husband 'loses his rag' with them, that needs to stop. He needs to set them a proper example of zero tolerance to bad behaviour-starting with his own. It might be time for an open and frank talk about how their behaviour is making your life miserable. They are old enough to be expected to take other people's wellbeing into consideration. All the shouting and yell from everyone in the house must be exhausting. Lots of good ideas on this thread though. Make a plan and - here's the tricky bit - stick to it.

wannabestressfree · 02/10/2014 19:17

We have the same problem- three sons who bicker ranging from ten to 17. They are rarely physical but are so nasty.

seasavage · 02/10/2014 19:18

I definitely agree with getting a safe / lock box for their gadgets. If they try to still take them back then sell the gadgets.

spookyevents · 02/10/2014 19:45

You have to find their “currency” and deal in that only and stick to it no matter what!
Usually, the thought of earning my disapproval would be enough of a deterrent (currency) for my DS (also 12) , but as things are at the moment, I recognize that this is no longer enough/his currency: he is growing up!

He recently came home without his winter jacket (40quid plus) for the 2nd time in as many weeks. After the first loss, that resulted in several “can’t find it” shrugs, I told him that the replacement would be coming out of his account – “ok” – I discover that he’s not at all bothered about money or the lack of it.

2nd week back, 2nd 40+quid coat [that he paid for] is “lost” and “can’t be found” no matter how hard he looks or how many teachers he involves in the search……totally not bothered about it; replacing it, losing his electronic privileges or going to school cold - nothing mattered to him.

3rd week back at school and the only thing he can talk about is CCF (Cadet Combined Forces) he is really keen on this and would do anything to take part – this costs 20 quid insurance plus 20 quid for the uniform (per year)…very reasonable all in all…….Anyway, I tell him, if you don’t come home with your coat tonight then I won’t have 40 quid to pay for your CCF enrollment because I would have spent it on a replacement winter coat….the coat was found that day and brought home…it really focused his thoughts on what was important to him. Most all, it showed that he really understood that what I said stood: he knew that I would carry out my sanction….I would have too!

spookyevents · 02/10/2014 20:15

I also have a 9 year old FC (who has not been taught any boundaries EVER in those 9 years) and I hope that the message is being filtered down … I will be back with an update on this in a couple of years time…..I hope for good news !

naty1 · 02/10/2014 20:23

We have wifi with an off switch on the router , in the lounge.

Alternate their bed times so not working on both at once.

Make them work round house to pay for the stuff they lose.

(On the plus side for me youve made me feel better about ivf fails as i wont have to worry about DD fighting with siblings. Sometimes kids do make each other behave worse)

Dragonfly71 · 02/10/2014 20:32

Don't want to give advice cos I am SO NOT qualified and you probably just wanted to vent op not have loads of suggestions thrown at you! But here I go anyway!!! Sanctions, discipline, routines, taking stuff away might work but sometimes can lead to endless exhausting power struggles. And it sounds like you've tried all that. Can you catch them in a good moment when no pressure to get to school/ in shower and have chat about responsibilities? Pretend ( stretch the imagination here! ) that they are mature, responsible and capable of behaving and treat them as if they were. Sadly say you really don't want to resort to xyz ( whatever they fear most) and that you're SURE you won't have to. Ask them for their suggestions for how life could be improved for all of you. Sometimes if you treat them like the adults they are becoming they respond really well. I have a 17 yr old and a 20 yr old and I can honestly say this approach worked better for me. Doesn't mean they didn't drive me mad but they seemed to start to feel more responsible for their actions. You have my sympathy, as others have said my son was pretty challenging between 11 and 14 then calmed right down. But x2? Wow, you are my hero! Youngest ds is 10 and I just can't believe he will put me through it but he will I'm sure!

gordyslovesheep · 02/10/2014 20:35

I had 1 12 year old and 1 10 yr old and an almost 6 - I have ZERO tolerance of violence and who ever raises a leg or arm is automatically the one who gets the harsher punishment - regardless of provocation

I have a list of penalties starting with removal of phone/x box/ tables/lap top for an hour, rest of the night, 24 hours etc

No pocket money

Grounding

and such - it works most of the time

I also have a strict bath and bed routine - bath is still at 7 - bed is at 8:30 - lights go out at 9 - they are tired as it is

FinnsMum19 · 02/10/2014 20:42

You need to put your foot down OP. Who's running your house right now? Strict bedtimes, confiscate all electrical goods - cut off the bloody internet if you need to. Do they HAVE to share a room, or can one of them sleep elsewhere? A bit of space from each other and a good nights sleep will do them the world of good but you are the parent - is down to you to follow through on discipline and consequences. Good luck.

FinnsMum19 · 02/10/2014 20:42

You need to put your foot down OP. Who's running your house right now? Strict bedtimes, confiscate all electrical goods - cut off the bloody internet if you need to. Do they HAVE to share a room, or can one of them sleep elsewhere? A bit of space from each other and a good nights sleep will do them the world of good but you are the parent - is down to you to follow through on discipline and consequences. Good luck.

3littlefrogs · 02/10/2014 20:44

Is there any way at all you can separate them to sleep?

Could your DH take them out, individually, on alternate nights, for a run?

I have 2 DS 2 years apart.

I used to confiscate everything, they used to fight a lot, but are now really good friends.

What are the ages of your other DC?

Takver · 02/10/2014 20:51

First: utter sympathy. Second: if you find books useful, try 'Divas and Doorslammers' - it has a 'hard cases' intervention which you might find useful, bit long to summarise here but it works around micro-rewards. I'd really recommend it, lots of useful advice and actual practical suggestions

Itsfab · 02/10/2014 20:52

My mum actually did this with me

I feel for you and agree you need to get some control. They need to live maturely and stop acting like pillocks

unlucky83 · 02/10/2014 21:06

Similar problem with her phone and 13yo DD1 ...I used to hide it under my pillow - caught her crawling round my bed to try and sneak it out from there at gone midnight Shock...more than once...
After much arguing etc we have agreed she will leave it outside her room at 9.30pm ...I remind her at 9.30 ...so she pretends to be asleep at 11pm when I go to get it off her - as in she hasn't put it out because she fell asleep using it Hmm - ignore the fact it is warm!!!
Now I hide it randomly...and she loses it for a day - and in fact has lost it for more than a week on one occasion..also her lunch money and pocket money are the same thing - and I take a £1 off that every so often too...
But I think the biggest thing was after she kept waking me up trying to sneak it back - I completely lost my temper and threatened to throw it out of the window - and she knew I was ready to. And also telling her (sadly) it is causing too many arguments - which I don't need and the only way I can think to stop the arguments, the only solution, is to get rid of it altogether ...which I really don't want to do but I will ...after all she can always have her old (basic) phone back...Grin

WireCat · 02/10/2014 22:03

12 is an awful age for boys. As I am discovering. And I've only got 1 12 year old boy.

Golightly133 · 05/10/2014 09:02

Omg I don't know how you cope I would go mad FlowersWineCake

Trollsworth · 05/10/2014 09:17

Buy a safe with a number lock. Put everything they love in it.

Don't return it for a week no matter what.

Then insist that you have entire days of cooperation before returning the item the next day - and it will be confiscated at the first hint of horridness.

If they need phones, ask on Facebook if anyone has old, OLD unfashionable phones for sale. Something like an old Samsung, something with buttons. These are their punishment phones.

Have the wifi shut down, and take the plugs off all the tvs, put them in the safe.

My children know that they are entitled to a warm clean bed, appropriate clothing for their gender and the weather, and three palatable meals a day. And they are ENTITLED to nothing else! Everything else is a gift, a privilege.

Don't get the impression they are deprived, they are sat on their iPods as we speak, but I have no hesitation about putting them in the safe for a week if they misbehave, and they know that.