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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry about waking up to a strange man in my bedroom?!

47 replies

Topaz25 · 02/10/2014 10:54

I'll try not to write a novel here but don't want to drip feed. DH and I don't have DC yet and we share a house with a close friend for financial reasons. The house is privately rented and we are joint tenants. Our housemate is normally a very nice person but recently we have been growing apart from her, primarily because she is social and enjoys having friends round regularly and going out clubbing while we are boring prefer peace and quiet.

She has recently made friends with a younger woman who visits regularly. Last night they went on a night out. Her friend came over before to get ready and I knew this friend was staying over after the club. When they left I was annoyed to find a white top I had accidentally left in the bathroom had somehow got smeared with red makeup and ruined. This turned out to be just the start. DH and I were asleep when they got back from the club but were rudely awoken by a man we don't know walking into our bedroom! I was upset, especially as I sleep naked! It turns out they had invited two men home from the club with them without letting us know. I'm not comfortable with having strangers in the house, as far as I know they had just met them that night. When DH and I went downstairs after the men left we found housemate's friend's used underwear on the floor in our living room, DH's CDs scattered, rubbish like cigarette packets lying around and our rabbit's cage open. The rabbit is nervous and we don't want drunk people handling her, also leaving the cage door open could have lead to her getting out and getting hurt but luckily she didn't.

Housemate's friend is 18 and still lives with her parents and I feel she is using our house to do things she wouldn't get away with at home. I wouldn't behave this way in someone else's home and it bothers me. AIBU to feel that this friend is taking the piss and my housemate is letting her get away with it? How should I address this?

OP posts:
sparechange · 02/10/2014 10:57

Sounds like both your situations have changed, and the arrangement is no longer working out. What is the earliest you could get out of the tenancy?

fromparistoberlin73 · 02/10/2014 10:58

oh Topaz!!! this mafde me giggle a bit, sorry, your flatmate is a silly girl, as is her mate. But their behaviour is pretty much par for the course and many of us did the same at that age

honestly? move apart as she wont change and you wont change . she wants to be young and party and you have a very different lifestyle

Hope your rabbit is OK!!!!

cherrybombxo · 02/10/2014 11:02

Oh god, this gives me flashbacks to my last flatmate before I moved in with DP - he was an absolute horror to live with. If you are more of a homebody and happy to quiet evenings then you need to rethink your arrangement because I know from experience how awful it is living with a party animal who loves to "keep the party going" back at the flat in the middle of the night. I feel for you, it's crap.

SaucyJack · 02/10/2014 11:04

I don't think your house-mate is doing anything wrong tbh- she just has different values to you. I don't think you can reasonably ask her not to bring guests back to her own home.

You'd be best off finding more like minded house mates, or renting somewhere smaller on your own.

textingdisaster · 02/10/2014 11:08

I agree that the arrangement no longer seems to be working. Flatmate's friend over yes, two unknown men they had met that night brought into what is also your personal space no. Also not on to trash a shared space. If your arrangement has to continue for a while then I would agree on clear ground rules with your flatmate.

Original poster
Topaz25 · 02/10/2014 11:09

I know I can't ask her not to bring guests back but I'd prefer some advance notice so I can put pyjamas on. I'd also prefer it if they weren't strangers but I know there's no way I can enforce that.

OP posts:
kiwimumof2boys · 02/10/2014 11:09

Ha ha when DH was flatting he once came back to his room early one morning to find a naked girl in his bed! . . . she'd come home with one of his flatmates, gone to the bathroom then got mixed up which room she was meant to be in, DH was on the phone to his mum as well at the time ! (he'd got up to answer the phone).
Sorry off topic - OP I think you have to look for somewhere smaller for you and DP to rent.

Original poster
Topaz25 · 02/10/2014 11:09

Sorry that was a reply to SaucyJack

OP posts:
Original poster
Topaz25 · 02/10/2014 11:10

That made me lol kiwi!

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hellsbellsmelons · 02/10/2014 11:11

If it was her house then OK.
But this is a shared house with a couple. Not another 18 year old.
Complete strangers in the house is not on.
They could be criminals, burglars, anything really.

You need to challenge your house mate first and foremost with all the evidence of what happened.
Ensure she gives you the money to pay for a new t-shirt.

Then you need to see how quickly you can get out of this arrangement and move out because this won't get much better.

textingdisaster · 02/10/2014 11:13

I think you can actually ask for strangers not to be brought back. Or mutually agree not to do it (though it's unlikely that you and your dh would be doing it Grin). If it's a big deal for your flatmate maybe she can find somewhere else to live and you can replace her with someone else?.

Original poster
Topaz25 · 02/10/2014 11:15

My housemate is actually in her early 30s, it's the new friend (bad influence lol) who is 18.

OP posts:
MissBattleaxe · 02/10/2014 11:17

Yep, time to move. It will only get worse.

nikki1978 · 02/10/2014 11:21

Why is a 30 something hanging around with an 18 year old Hmm?

nikki1978 · 02/10/2014 11:21

And yes I would move

Original poster
Topaz25 · 02/10/2014 11:22

I think we can end the tenancy at any time with 2 months notice, it's a rolling tenancy. There are two problems with doing that. Firstly, money. I'm off work sick at the moment so DH and I can't afford to move or pay the rent on our own but our financial situation should improve soon. Secondly, I'm worried about hurting our friend's feelings. I know she will take us moving out (or asking her to) personally when it's purely a practical thing. She got emotional when it was suggested before and said we were "trying to get rid of her". I know I've talked about our differences here but she really is a nice person who has supported me through some difficult times. I don't want this to affect the friendship. We're just at different stages in our lives. DH and I used to go out clubbing too but now we've settled down.

OP posts:
BauerTime · 02/10/2014 11:22

Just seems like normal house sharing gripes to me.

Back when I house shared one of my housemates had a post club party one night which woke me up but never thought anything more of it. In the morning I was in the bath and some bloke came strolling in, said 'morning', dipped his head in the bath, grabbed my towel and dried his hair, turned to the mirror and did his hair, said 'cheers' and just walked out.

Original poster
Topaz25 · 02/10/2014 11:26

nikki1978 She's quite young at heart, didn't get to do the whole clubbing and wild youth thing when she was that age because of a very strict/EA father, only left home in her early 20s. She has friends of a variety of ages. I do think 18 is a bit young though.

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Original poster
Topaz25 · 02/10/2014 11:28

BauerTime I guess I should consider myself lucky! I suppose it is normal house sharing gripes but I feel that over time resentment will affect the friendship as we try to live 2 different lifestyles in the same house.

OP posts:
Mammanat222 · 02/10/2014 11:41

I think you need to have a chat with flatmate and make her see how unreasonable it is for her FRIEND to be using the house in such a way.

No offence but your flatmates friend doesn't pay any rent / contribute in any way so feck her using your house for after club shagging.

Original poster
Topaz25 · 02/10/2014 11:42

Thanks, those were my thoughts but you expressed them more succinctly!

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Jennco · 02/10/2014 11:44

I Would be considering a door lock :)

MarchEliza · 02/10/2014 11:52

I actually do think this behavior is out of order. Concessions obviously have to be made in shared houses but your belongings should not be damaged, your personal space should not be invaded by strange men in the middle of the night. I also feel very sorry for your poor rabbit who probably got prodded at by drunken idiots in the middle of the night and was probably terrified.

Initially I assumed you (and your flatmate) were a lot younger than I, however if she is in her early 30s than maybe not and while you can't stop her going out and acting like a teenager, you can insist that it doesn't impact your life so much.

Original poster
Topaz25 · 02/10/2014 11:54

I'm 25, DH is 30, Housemate is in her early 30s, Housemate's Friend is 18. Sorry should've made that clearer earlier.

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Original poster
Topaz25 · 02/10/2014 11:58

I feel sorry for the rabbit too, she must have been frightened. It's lucky nothing worse happened really. If she'd panicked at being picked up by a stranger and struggled or scratched and they'd dropped her she could have been injured. She could also have been hurt if she had tried to jump back out of her cage because they left the door open but luckily she didn't.

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