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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be angry about waking up to a strange man in my bedroom?!

47 replies

Topaz25 · 02/10/2014 10:54

I'll try not to write a novel here but don't want to drip feed. DH and I don't have DC yet and we share a house with a close friend for financial reasons. The house is privately rented and we are joint tenants. Our housemate is normally a very nice person but recently we have been growing apart from her, primarily because she is social and enjoys having friends round regularly and going out clubbing while we are boring prefer peace and quiet.

She has recently made friends with a younger woman who visits regularly. Last night they went on a night out. Her friend came over before to get ready and I knew this friend was staying over after the club. When they left I was annoyed to find a white top I had accidentally left in the bathroom had somehow got smeared with red makeup and ruined. This turned out to be just the start. DH and I were asleep when they got back from the club but were rudely awoken by a man we don't know walking into our bedroom! I was upset, especially as I sleep naked! It turns out they had invited two men home from the club with them without letting us know. I'm not comfortable with having strangers in the house, as far as I know they had just met them that night. When DH and I went downstairs after the men left we found housemate's friend's used underwear on the floor in our living room, DH's CDs scattered, rubbish like cigarette packets lying around and our rabbit's cage open. The rabbit is nervous and we don't want drunk people handling her, also leaving the cage door open could have lead to her getting out and getting hurt but luckily she didn't.

Housemate's friend is 18 and still lives with her parents and I feel she is using our house to do things she wouldn't get away with at home. I wouldn't behave this way in someone else's home and it bothers me. AIBU to feel that this friend is taking the piss and my housemate is letting her get away with it? How should I address this?

OP posts:

SunshineAndShadows · 02/10/2014 11:58

I was a student for 6 years, late nights and a bit of mess are par for the course. Letting strangers enter your bedroom, interfere with your property and manhandle your pet is not on. You need to have a chat and set out some boundaries. You ALL need to be able to relax at home

Annarose2014 · 02/10/2014 12:03

If you can't move out, then a chat is in order. She should be receptive, considering that this girl left her used knickers on the ground and a strange man walked into your room and scared you half to death.

I would also get a wee padlock for the rabbits cage. Tell her you're going to have to do that now. A bit of a guilt trip would do no harm.

I don't think its unreasonable to ask that the 18 yr old not stay over any more. Particularly if you don't mind other friends of your housemates staying over. Say that you know full well the 18 yr old is using the place as a party gaff, and that's not on when there are other people in the house too.

Look, it sounds like your housemate is well able to turn on the emotional blackmail - play her at her own game and give it loads of wobbly lip. You're not pissed off, you were frightened and upset. That might work.

Original poster

Topaz25 · 02/10/2014 12:05

OK I know I need to enforce some boundaries but I'm crap at that. I was thinking of saying that as a rule, DH and I need advance warning about guests and they shouldn't touch our possessions or pets.

Then more generally trying to make my housemate see the potential risks of inviting strangers back and why it is U for her friend to use our house in this way.

What do you think?

I will also definitely be getting a lock!

OP posts:

Original poster

Topaz25 · 02/10/2014 12:05

Sorry x-posted. Good suggestions Annarose!

OP posts:

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 02/10/2014 12:12

YANBU, why did they go in your room anyway?

Original poster

Topaz25 · 02/10/2014 12:14

That's what freaks me out. They had no reason to go in my room, they could have asked my housemate or her friend for directions if they were looking for the bathroom. The friend did have a go at them about it to be fair.

OP posts:

OwlCapone · 02/10/2014 12:17

DH and I need advance warning about guests

This part I disagree with. I assume the house is as much her home as it is yours and she should be able to bring home someone on the spur of the moment.

However, I do agree about not touching other people's stuff, ensuring guests don't wander and limiting what the 18 yr old friend is allowed to get up to in the public rooms of the house.

Original poster

Topaz25 · 02/10/2014 12:19

I understand it's a difficult line to draw so that we both feel comfortable in the house but I would definitely have appreciated advance warning in this case. I hate to keep going on about it but I would definitely have put PJs on if I knew there were going to be strange men in the house! I didn't think it was necessary since I was just expecting her female friend to be staying who knows not to go in my room.

OP posts:

Original poster

Topaz25 · 02/10/2014 12:21

It can be a bit alarming to wake up to strangers in the house, even if they hadn't been in my room! So I think a quick call with a heads up would have been helpful.

OP posts:

whois · 02/10/2014 12:22

I don't think the housemate is meing too awful, it's just your life styles have grown apart. She should be able to have friends and men back if she likes.

It's not on damaging your possessions, and annoying the man walked in to your bedroom but I expect that wasn't on purpose.

I'm sure we've all come back drunk and made a mess though!

So basically I'm on the fence. Yes it's very annoying for you, but it's not actually that U.

If try and find another couple who have similar home based iLife styles to live with maybe?

Original poster

Topaz25 · 02/10/2014 12:28

I don't think my housemate is B that U, as you say we've just grown apart. I think her friend is more BU because it's not even her house and I don't feel she is being respectful.

OP posts:

ChippingInLatteLover · 02/10/2014 12:35

I suppose it is normal house sharing gripes but I feel that over time resentment will affect the friendship as we try to live 2 different lifestyles in the same house

Someone else posted that and I think it's what you should say to her.

There is NO point in having rules about touching/using stuff/not upsetting your rabbit etc. If people are going to act like fuckwits they will do so, irrespective of your 'rules' and if your friend doesn't respect your stuff and especially your rabbit enough now to say to visitors not to do it, having rules isn't going to change that!

You cannot have rules about who she can and can't bring back, it's equally her house.

There's no need to be freaked out by a drunk visitor going into the wrong room, pissed off YUP, but freaked out NOW about it, NO.

If she had called that would have woken you up and you'd have been pissed off about that.

I think it's just time one of you moved out.

ChippingInLatteLover · 02/10/2014 12:39

You could give her the option. Say 'DH & I, and you, are trying to live two different lifestyles in this house and it's not working for me and DH, so I think either we need to move out or you do. If you don't want that to happen then you need to agree to live here the way we want to live here as we don't want to live the way you are and are happy to change the living arrangements. No hard feelings, but it's just not working for us as it is and I don't want to fall out with you about it'.

Rainbunny · 02/10/2014 18:34

If your housemate got over her "partying" stage, would you still want to live with her? You said your get along well apart from her partying and choice in friends. I just wonder if this might be a phase that she get's out of her system and calms down... of course who knows if that's the case or how long she'll act this way. It's a shame, good housemates are hard to find.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 02/10/2014 18:54

I would be freaked out if a strange man walked into my bedroom whilst I was sleeping/in bed!

Topaz - would it be easier if, instead of looking at it as 'enforcing boundaries' you thought of it as a conversation about different lifestyles, expectations and choices, and how, as a household, you can find ways to co-exist?

I think you have every right to tell your housemate that you are not at all happy for your housemate's friend to be using your home in this way. Other than that, I would be telling her the things that are upsetting you, and your worries and concerns, then listen to any concerns or issues she has, and try to find a way forward.

If she is unwilling to acknowledge your feelings, and to maybe change her behaviour, then I don't think you'd be unreasonable to say, "as it stands, this house share is not working for dh and I - we don't want to feel unhappy in our own home, but we value our friendship - I am not sure the friendship will survive if we carry on living together without things changing so we are all happier".

maddening · 02/10/2014 19:34

You don't own the house so it is her home as much as it is yours - if you're sharing but lifestyles are clashing then it is time to move on.

Yanbu to be annoyed about the mistreating of personal belongings.

BOFster · 02/10/2014 19:43

I'd go fucking nuts actually- your friend is showing no respect at all for your safety, peace of mind, or the risk to your pets and possessions by inviting random strangers in. It makes no difference that this is her home too- you simply can't behave like that when you share a house. If she wants to take those risks on her own behalf, she needs her own place.

A talk is definitely in order, and I wouldn't hold back on why I was angry and upset- you've every right to be.

OfficerVanHalen · 02/10/2014 20:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Viviennemary · 02/10/2014 20:36

This kind of arrangement seldom works. Her behaviour is a bit annoying. But I noticed you said our living room. Unless you have a living room each isn't it as much her living room.

IronFrost · 02/10/2014 21:47

When you live with someone else you understand that there are just some things that you can't do which you could if you lived alone. Your housemate needs a kick up her arse about her partying friend and inviting randoms back. It's your house too.

Original poster

Topaz25 · 05/10/2014 11:10

By our living room I meant our living room as in hers, mine and DHs.

Anyway I've talked it through with our housemate and she was very reasonable. It turns out she had already given her friend warnings for being disruptive so this was the last straw and she's told her she can't stay over for a while. The friend was apparently mortified when she sobered up and asked our housemate to pass on an apology as she couldn't face us so at least she realised she went too far. It turns out they did actually know the men so although I didn't it's not as bad as them bringing home strangers and our housemate apologised for the man walking into my bedroom. I think things will calm down now but DH and I do want to get our own place at some point anyway because we want our own space.

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 05/10/2014 12:00

There's no need to be freaked out by a drunk visitor going into the wrong room, pissed off YUP, but freaked out NOW about it, NO.

Bloody hell - I know I'm old, but why is it unreasonable to be freaked about by bumping into a complete stranger in your own room on waking? He was a stranger to everyone not just the OP.
At the very least I'd be concerned that all my possessions were where I left them.

Not on. Not at all.

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