Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to find this irritating and think it's not worth going on this date?

32 replies

Delphine31 · 01/10/2014 23:57

Thanks in advance for reading... this is the first time I've started a thread. (Should I be nervous?)

I have been exchanging messages with a chap on an online dating site and we arranged last week to meet up tomorrow evening. From his profile he seems interesting and as though we have quite a bit in common (though I have to admit I've found his emails less inspiring).

We both live in rural locations an hour's drive from each other. Yesterday he suggested meeting 'half way' at a place that is a 40-minute drive for me and a 25-minute drive for him (yes, I am that petty that I looked it up on GoogleMaps). I felt mildly irritated that 'half way' was biased for him, but told myself to stop being so bloody precious. I responded and said, yes, great, the earliest I'll be able to get there is 8pm.

He has responded saying that seeing as we will be eating at this pub and that means I won't need to worry about food before I head out, could we meet earlier than 8pm?

Am I being unreasonable to think that as this is a first date he should be making an effort too, and that might mean that if I've said 8pm is the earliest I can do that he should just go along with that?

He knows I have a long commute (an hour and a half each way) for work whereas he works locally to where he lives.

(I'm not new to dating. This is the first time where I've been irritated before I've even met the guy. I suppose also it's probably the case that if I thought this guy seemed truly promising that I would be more flexible.)

OP posts:
JulyKit · 02/10/2014 00:03

So cancel.
(Or go and return to thread to tell us how crap it was Wink )

It doesn't look very promising.

justmuddlingalong · 02/10/2014 00:03

You're irritated before you've met him. Bin.

PenelopeGarciasCrazyHair · 02/10/2014 00:04

If it's this much aggravation on date 1 what will happen if you get into a relationship with him?! I have to say meeting someone who lived that far away would be a non starter for me. I know people do make it work with a bit of distance but if you're measuring it on a map, I'm thinking you're not a lover of travelling!

If you regularly work until late and can't start your evening until 8 it will hamper your efforts to get to know each other.

I must say, I only searched within a 10 mile radius for my Mr Right as I wanted it to be easy and straightforward if I did meet someone lovely. As it turns out my dp lives on the very edge of my included area, but he works about 3 mins from my house so he comes round for lunch most days!

ScrambledeggLDCcakeBOAK · 02/10/2014 00:06

It's up to you but if your not into it what's the point.

You need to decide if it's worth it to you and if it is then go for it is it's not cancel and move on.

DioneTheDiabolist · 02/10/2014 00:09

YANBU OP. Save yourself any more bother and cancel this date.

One thing I loved about OLD is that you got the chance to know it wouldn't work before actually meeting the men (think cock pics, misogynistic language, cyclists, profile photos with DCs and people who try to fuck you about before you even meet them).

Stay at home and keep shopping. This one's an arse.

Darkesteyes · 02/10/2014 00:12

Ive never done online dating because i always wondered how you could gauge sexual chemistry through a computer screen and ive seen others say on threads on here how shallow a lot of the men are (nothing over a size 12 is the one i remember) but Dione makes some good points.

DioneTheDiabolist · 02/10/2014 00:22

You can't Darkest and that can be a good thing. I have been carried away by sexual chemistry to the detriment of everything else.

My approach to OLD was check them out, discard the unsuitable, shortlist those with qualities you like and then work your way through them until you find one who ticks all your boxes and you have chemistry with.

rockybalboa · 02/10/2014 00:29

Cancel. He sounds like a tit. Forget and move on, especially if you already have doubts because of his emails.

Original poster
Delphine31 · 02/10/2014 00:31

Thank you all for responding!

Mumsnet is amazing... post a question, and by the time I've got ready for bed lots of useful responses!

I have cancelled the date. Thank you for giving me a gentle nudge to do so (I needed it even though I knew it was the right thing to do!).

Darkest, I have met some great guys through OLD. Even the ones where within five minutes of meeting each other we both knew it was never going to happen have proved to be enjoyable evenings out. I agree that without meeting someone you really can't judge sexual chemistry but, like Dione, I think that's not necessarily a bad thing as I need to fulfill (and perhaps prioritise?) other stuff as well.

OP posts:
BackforGood · 02/10/2014 00:35

I don't think anything he's suggested is unreasonable.
Presumably, if he's suggesting where you meet, then it makes sense to suggest somewhere he knows will be nice, rather than measuring the distance exactly and then saying we'll meet at this map reference, but then we'll have to try to find somewhere suitable to go? Confused Surely you would do the same if you were suggesting a venue, suggest somewhere you know, even if it meant him travelling a bit further?

Agree with him about the time too - If it were just a drink, then so be it, but I need my meal a bit before 9pm or whenever you will be eating if you don't arrange to meet until 8pm.

However, if you are this critical your heart's not in it, before you've even met, then perhaps it would be better to say so now rather than wasting his time tomorrow.

BackforGood · 02/10/2014 00:35

x-posted

Scarletohello · 02/10/2014 00:37

So how did he respond OP?

BumpNGrind · 02/10/2014 00:40

I must be missing something because I've read your OP a few times and it seems you are the inflexible one. You've googled the venue and want it to be exactly equidistant, even though that's unlikely in a rural area. He's asked about meeting a bit earlier because you are eating and you've thought about cancelling. It's a bit unforgiving of you.

If it's really inconvenient just apologise and say again that 8 is the earliest you can do, but don't shoot the man down for enquiring.

Go, relax, enjoy and allow yourself to have a good time instead of picking faults.

BumpNGrind · 02/10/2014 00:42

X posted, can see you've now cancelled.

NoodleOodle · 02/10/2014 00:44

Can I ask which websites you lovely people are using, and with what success. PM me if you don't want to say on here but I would really appreciate both recommendations and warnings.

DioneTheDiabolist · 02/10/2014 00:51

The OP said the earliest she could do was 8.00. She said it. He didn't listen. That's irritating.

And one should not go on a date with someone who manages to be irritating before you have even met.

Original poster
Delphine31 · 02/10/2014 00:52

I guess he won't see my email until tomorrow.

I agree that I am being a little inflexible, but I think that's because I can see this just won't work. I often don't even get home until 7.30 so every date will be difficult for me, especially if I'm under pressure to meet before 8pm.

It's just an incompatible difference in lifestyles I suppose. Most of my local friends also have long commutes and we will often meet for dinner or drinks at 9pm or even later.

OP posts:
Nancy66 · 02/10/2014 01:02

did you speak to him on the phone Delphine?

That was always one of my golden rules when internet dating. Really helps weed them out. And any guy who refused to talk on the phone def has something to hide (usually the complete lack of any personality.)

Original poster
Delphine31 · 02/10/2014 01:11

Hi Nancy

Good point - I haven't spoken to him on the phone and maybe if I had, this last-minute cancelling (which i realise is a bit unfair of me) could have been avoided.

I'm going to adopt your golden rule of always speaking on the phone!

OP posts:
OneInAMillionYou · 02/10/2014 01:31

Dione I am loving your work!

Including "cyclists" in a "no" list with "cock pics"is absolutely bloody hilarious.

Cabrinha · 02/10/2014 01:36

You didn't find his emails inspiring, that's fine.
I suspect if you'd found them more promising, you'd have happily made sure to finish work at 19:00 for the date!
I don't think this points to a lifestyle difference. Even the 40 mins vs 25 could be down to a misperception of how long the drive is, miles are not the same as minutes.
But none of that matters. He simply didn't grab you enough - so it was right to cancel.

Stratter5 · 02/10/2014 01:40

I wouldn't worry about it, I've cancelled dates on the most ridiculous basis. One was purely because he sounded exactly like XH's best friend. It definitely wasn't him, I just couldn't get past the voice. And I always cancel now if I feel even a tiny bit of doubt. Seems to have worked, I have actually met someone who is lovely. And tall, v v tall Grin

peasandlove · 02/10/2014 01:50

I thought you were a little inflexible but it's done now. Good luck with the next one

daisychain01 · 02/10/2014 08:37

I have limited experience with OLD - it did result in me and my DP of 7 years getting together!

It's worth having at least one phonecall with anyone you are thinking of meeting up with - just a casual chat with no strings attached, before even deciding to meet up.

After all, driving to a venue is a bigger step forward than having chatted first, and you will at least feel as if you have broken the ice, and talked about limitations with journey times, easy locations to meet up etc

A voice can give away enough about the person to tell if you will 'gel' with them.

daisychain01 · 02/10/2014 08:39

Oops sorry nancy I xposted with you.