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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Stopping my sons father from seeing my son

70 replies

Sarahclark123 · 01/10/2014 23:21

I have stopped contact with my child's father as on Sunday he refused to give him back to me due to me asking for his partner to remove pictures on social networking sites due to peodofiles the police we're called and would do nothing to help me as he has fathers rights I got him back after me having to agree to him having him normally I'm to scared to let him go back as I don't think he'll give me him back am I being unreasonable? Any comments welcone

OP posts:

Silverdaisy · 02/10/2014 00:41

Please understand the chances of a random pedophile finding your ex partners facebook page, then looking through his photos for children is quite unlikely.

deakymom · 02/10/2014 06:51

just ask him to change his settings so they are not public his actual friends and actual family can see them but strangers cannot

go see a solicitor get it set in stone when he can see him and get a residence order so he has to be brought home because its where he lives i cant believe a solicitor didn't tell you that

there is more to life than facebook

Delphiniumsblue · 02/10/2014 07:00

I think that your child needs both his parents working together and not at war. Put DS first.

NinjaLeprechaun · 02/10/2014 07:02

I have taken legal advice and the solicitor seems to agree with me
Your solicitor is paid to agree with you. As soon as she/he stops agreeing with you then you will stop paying him/her. Whatever else you do, please do keep that in mind.

OwlCapone · 02/10/2014 07:07

I thought it was supposed to be an advice page not some we're we're people r bringing me down like I'm the worst person for wanting to protect my son

It is an advice page. Unfortunately you don't like the advice you've been given because it doesn't agree with you.

cedricsneer · 02/10/2014 07:09

I think your alarm at the fb thing is making you seem less credible as your fears around this really are totally irrational. It sounds as if you are resentful of ex-p new girlfriend and you are using your ds in a territory battle. Please don't let him be in the middle of this.

I can hear that it was scary that your ex kept your ds, but maybe he was struggling to get through to you. It doesn't make it right but you do sound very over dramatic. I think you would be much better to focus on things like the smacking, which is a legitimate concern and would be a credible reason for your concern. The fb stuff is just silly.

cedricsneer · 02/10/2014 07:12

And I'm afraid that the knee jerk reaction to withdraw contact was never going to go well. Kids need dads - so unless he is abusive towards your ds you shouldn't even be considering stoppin contact. This is not in the best interests of your boy and makes you sound pretty childish and selfish.

daisychain01 · 02/10/2014 07:31

I'm with worra regarding taking a step back, calming down and trying to sort this out with your Ex.

Also, I would suggest take yourself off social media just for the time being, while you are trying to sort out contact with your son, focus on the real world, his life is the priority here.

Social media can be a negative distraction, It is often inaccurate and misleading if you believe everything on there!

Footle · 02/10/2014 07:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

londonrach · 02/10/2014 07:57

Pull this thread op as your original post makes yabu and im worried that your real name is out there. I suggest you talk to a solicitor but unless there is a back story i think you making this more than it is. Hope it all works out ok for your son x

londonrach · 02/10/2014 08:00

Just pm mnhq re op real name. Op repost with another name in legal or relationships x

MNHQ

AmyMumsnet · 02/10/2014 12:32

Hi OP, it looks like you've put your real name in your nick name. Would you like us to remove it for you?

inloominotnorti · 02/10/2014 12:49

So are you saying

He's not complied with the contact order
he has threatened to kidnap your child
He is using your child to manipulate you
He has very little interest in your child and varies contact/ goes no contact regularly

And that for these reasons you are denying him contact. I think you need to look into legal avenues.

Sounds fair enough though.

Groovee · 02/10/2014 13:09

I think there is more to the back story than the OP.

You need to think long and hard before stopping contact.

backbystealth · 02/10/2014 13:20

While I agree with everyone's comments, please go easy on OP who sounds like she's not coping with the wider situation very well.

OP I hope you are taking away the strong communal message on here (rather than feeling attacked or belittled) that you need to stay calm, look at the facts and review situations before reacting angrily or irrationally.

It's in your and son's interest to do so.

Your son's welfare is paramount - but he will be in far worse danger of being damaged if his parents are at war and point scoring off each other, than any silly posts or pics on Facebook.

impatienceisavirtue · 02/10/2014 13:39

OP what is your question other thanA AIBU (you are, by the way)

bluebell8782 · 02/10/2014 13:53

If you disagree with something with the other EQUAL parent, you should NEVER feel you can stop contact as a punishment. The child may live with you more but you are not 'in charge' of contact. If he allows his partner to do that then there is sweet F A you can do about it - it is none of your business. Even if, by some highly, highly unlikely event, a pedophile manages to get hold of a picture of your child, your child will never know about it....

starlight1234 · 02/10/2014 14:08

This is a real drip drip thread as I said at the beginning far more than the short paragraph.

Firstly you Ex assuming he has parental responsibility , He can make descisions equally how his son is brought up. If you watch Peter Andre's programs Harvey is not in the program ( though I am not sure he see's him now) Katie price would not sign the consent though she couldn't stop the other kids been in his show.

It sounds like you are both are using the child as a weapon. I also think you need to distance yourself. Block her fb, your Ex ..

As for if he is regulary contacting contact... Keep a record.

inloominotnorti · 02/10/2014 14:37

I think the posters have a point about not using contact as a punishment and staying calm.

From what I've read, the problem seems be the pictures, and a long history of not contacting or seeing the child, and using the child to continue the emotional abuse on the adult. I think the OP needs some support as it sounds as if her ex is playing mind games with her, by threatening to not return her children, arranging contact which he then doesn't turn up to, and using the new partner as well.

I can imagine the panic the OP feels when she is threatened with not seeing her child again, and I think saying her ex can't see him is a natural knee jerk reaction. Whether it's the right reaction is something else.

Op have you considered supervised contact, if there is a threat of kidnap?

Would your ex go along with this, or is it his way or nothing? Can you suggest supervised contact as a result of the kidnap threat, and if he refuses this, legally cut contact?

inthename · 02/10/2014 14:38

No, you shouldn't have stopped contact.
Take a step back, calm down and start thinking clearly.
I've been divorced 10 years. When my ds was 3, his dad posted numerous photos on what was then a popular social site and on a dating site. I was told this by my ds nursery teacher as she'd logged on to the dating site and was concerned as I didn't know. I didn't like it as I didn't and still don't put photos of my ds on these sites. BUT, I didn't stop contact, I wrote to the sites concerned, explained the problem and they either removed them or moved them to a private setting so that they weren't in the public domain.
Regarding 'keeping' your ds, in all fairness just over an hour, whilst a concern is not a reason to stop contact or apply for a residence order - the court would simply apply the no order principle and tell you both to attend mediation and stop the tit for tat - and I'm speaking as someone whose ex in the days my son was small tried to keep my ds on four different occasions for over 6 hours at a time.
Stopping contact on small reasons is going to make it extremely difficult for the family court to help you, as you are then blocking contact and they won"t listen to the big things.
Try to keep a balance in your head - reinstate contact asap whilst sorting out a way forward - then you have a voice. Mess about over the slightest reason and you lose that voice. And as a pp said, solicitors will say what they think you want to hear, not what actually happens.

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