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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

about living together?

38 replies

reellygood · 01/10/2014 19:50

DP and I have been together for 6 months. We've talked about living together in future. However as we live and work about 30 miles apart and have DC at schools local to each of us, we can't see realistically that we'll be able to live together for 5-10 years (once DC have finished school). We spend a couple of nights a week together and eow but neither of us feel ready to live with anyone else full time against yet anyway.

However, everyone else thinks we're mad and cant understand why we'd leave it years - are we, or is it them?!

OP posts:
ClapHandsIfYouBelieveInFatties · 01/10/2014 19:51

You're not mad at all! You sound VERY sensible. What's wrong with having a relationship like this? Nothing! It suits you and the children and you're planning in the long term!

Original poster
reellygood · 01/10/2014 20:07

I'm not entirely sure why people think it's so bad.

We don't want to rush into anything; equally I cant see how it could work logistically any sooner.

OP posts:
LadyLuck10 · 01/10/2014 20:07

Are you really willing to accept not living together for a max of ten years? What if you have a child, then would you expect a child to live that way too? It's early days, you have lots of time to decide but given both your situations aren't going to change I think you need to think longer term.

TheTrueVoiceOfReason · 01/10/2014 20:09

You do what works for you both as a couple.

there is no right or wrong way.

LeftRightCentre · 01/10/2014 20:09

FFS. It's no one's business but yours. Plenty of couples have long-term relationships without living together. Some people don't want to live with someone else. Not everyone wants children with every partner they have.

I think you are being very sensible, putting your children first. Six months is no time at all.

LeftRightCentre · 01/10/2014 20:13

Lots of people feel the need to shack up with anyone they are with more than five minutes. Fine is you are dependent free, but a bit immature and selfish when you both have families and work commitments to consider.

Original poster
reellygood · 01/10/2014 20:13

I hope it will be sooner than 10 years but it's possible it might not be, because of schools etc.
.
We're not intending to have any children together, we already have 4 between us which is more than enough!

OP posts:
Rusticated · 01/10/2014 20:14

It's them. You sound sensible to me, and after six months, no one should be rushing into cohabiting when it would involve such upheaval in the lives of young children.

LeftRightCentre · 01/10/2014 20:15

If it's meant to last it will. 30 miles isn't that far.

Original poster
reellygood · 01/10/2014 20:18

LeftRight, we both (pre DC) moved in with Exs far too quickly, rushed into relationships (which then went wrong, either because it had gone too quickly, or the other person turned out to be an arse, or both). That's another reason why now we both have children we're being much more cautious.

OP posts:
JADS · 01/10/2014 20:22

Wow, you sound sensible - 6 months is not a long time particularly when you have children. Your friends need to butt out.

LeftRightCentre · 01/10/2014 20:23

Responsible, mature and sensible.

WooWooOwl · 01/10/2014 20:28

Who is 'everyone else'?

Whoever they are, they are crazy.

Six months FFS!

WannaBe · 01/10/2014 20:28

My dp lives 120 miles away and although we would love to live together at the moment it is logisticaly not possible due to the fact that I have 50/50 access with my ex so can't move ds away from here, and dp has a stable job which he has been in for the past eighteen years, and while he would move for the right job, it has to be the right job - I wouldn't and couldn't ever expect him to move for just any job.

If the right job comes up for dp then he will move. But worst case scenario ds is eleven now and won't be at school for ever, so a max of seven/eight years.... iyswim.

No it's not ideal, but I love him, he loves me, and we spend every weekend and holidays together, and we're not going to be having any children, so it will happen when it is meant to.

Why on earth would I destroy a good relationship with someone who makes me happy because of not yet knowing when we will be together permanently?

people should just mind their own business.

letsplaynice · 01/10/2014 20:33

That series on ch4 just now john somebody grows up has a couple in the 1st episode married with kids who don't live together looks perfect to me!

Trills · 01/10/2014 20:45

Children move schools quite often. It's not the end of the world.

After 6 months you might not be ready to move your children for his sake (or him move his children for your sake), but thinking that you CANNOT live together at any point until they have left school is just silly.

PenelopeGarciasCrazyHair · 01/10/2014 20:53

I'm in a very similar situation. My DCs go to excellent schools so threes no way I'd want to move them to the school that DP's DCs attend. They are 50/50 with their mum and dad, so no way they would be able to move here without causing major upset/upheaval to their mum. It's just not going to happen. I don't see why anyone thinks that's a good thing to do, just so that DP and I can share a bed every night!

As it is, he stays with me when he doesn't have his DCs, they all stay some weekends, we holiday together as a family and we get a few nights a week where it's just me and my DCs, perfect.

Yes, I do sometimes wish we lived together, but there isn't a good solution and even if there were, it would mean me taking on parenting his DCs 3/4 days a week and I've read enough of the step boards to know that's not for me!

Ignore anyone who thinks that your relationship has to be like theirs to be legitimate. Relationships comes in alll shapes and sizes, our way is no less committed or loving than anyone else's.

WannaBe · 01/10/2014 20:54

not necessarily trills. If there is another parent in the picture who has 50/50 access it really isn't as simple as just making your children change schools and moving to be with your partner. In the op's case 30 miles isn't that far and isn't insurmountable in terms of maintaining the child/father relationship, but in mine 120 miles isn't a distance I can move without it impacting on the relationship my ds has with his father.

LeftRightCentre · 01/10/2014 20:54

Some people don't think it's worth moving their children's school just to live with a partner. Hmm

Trills · 01/10/2014 21:00

No partner have been mentioned, just children at school.

If I were the OP's friend I wouldn't say "you're mad not to move in now" but I would say "you don't have to plan to live apart for 10 years, if the time comes when you want to it's not impossible"

WannaBe · 01/10/2014 21:01

no, I don't think that I have the right to disrupt my child's relationship with his father so I can live with a partner.

Your children are only at home for so long, a partnership, if it lasts, could be for the rest of your life. Just because you don't/can't live together right now doesn't mean that you can't in the future...

Original poster
reellygood · 01/10/2014 21:04

My DC are at secondary school so it would not be a good time to move them. Plus they have grown up in the area so wouldn't want to move away. As I work ft, there is no way we could move closer to DP as the DC would not be able to get to their current school, and I wouldn't be able to take them.

DP has his DC partly during the week and does school pickup/drop off which would be horrendous travelling from mine as the traffic is terrible in rush hour. And as his DC go to an excellent school very close to where they live (with their mum) I cant see her agreeing to change schools, I know I wouldn't if I was her.

OP posts:
murasaki · 01/10/2014 21:07

Sounds very sensible to me, you're considering all the other issues as well as 'we want to be together', there are other people involved. So good on you.

ClapHandsIfYouBelieveInFatties · 01/10/2014 21:07

I assumed that reelly I would enjoy the arrangement as it is. It's not "traditional" but...fuck tradition. All that gave us was inequality and poverty.

LeftRightCentre · 01/10/2014 21:09

You are both putting your kids first. Good on you. Some consider their right to live with a partner more important.