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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

about living together?

38 replies

reellygood · 01/10/2014 19:50

DP and I have been together for 6 months. We've talked about living together in future. However as we live and work about 30 miles apart and have DC at schools local to each of us, we can't see realistically that we'll be able to live together for 5-10 years (once DC have finished school). We spend a couple of nights a week together and eow but neither of us feel ready to live with anyone else full time against yet anyway.

However, everyone else thinks we're mad and cant understand why we'd leave it years - are we, or is it them?!

OP posts:

Seriouslyffs · 01/10/2014 21:10

I think you're incredibly sensible and prioritising our children's needs.

WannaBe · 01/10/2014 21:10

op if your dc are at secondary then presumably the youngest would be in y7 at least so essentially in seven years time they would be leaving school, at which point you could think about moving.

I get a mix of reactions from "of course it's difficult" to "well you obviously don't have a proper relationship,"

LeftRightCentre · 01/10/2014 21:13

I have a mate who has been in a LDR for six years. They both have jobs that don't transfer, are too near pension age to change them and have 50/50 care of, now, teens. They are doing great and enjoying how things are now. Her younger will leave home in 3 years and they plan to marry in 5 years when the man can retire and move to her as she still needs to work a few more years beyond that.

They have great holidays together and enjoy themselves.

Viviennemary · 01/10/2014 21:18

You have only been together six months. So in a year's time you could look at things again. But to decide now that you will be together another ten years but not live together personally I would find that hard. But if it suits you then it's not for other folk to say.

Original poster

reellygood · 01/10/2014 21:19

Wannabe, that's kind of how we see it. Obviously we've not been together that long, st the moment but we hope this is going to be something that lasts the rest of our lives -so 10 years (at most) isn't that long to wait really.

It could be sooner once my DC finish school in 6-7 years, 10 is the max.

OP posts:

Momagain1 · 01/10/2014 21:23

I think it's fine. combining households and building stepfamilies should not be done lightly.

Fiddlerontheroof · 01/10/2014 21:24

We have this arrangement, and are three years in. It simply isn't possible for us to move in, and generally people are accepting of it or have given up waiting for an announcement! Lol.

We tend to see each other once or twice in the week and then I stay over all day and night Sundays...when my kids see their dad.

I love this arrangement, my ex left us in horrific circumstances, and I'm simply not ready to share my home with anyone again, I get my own space. The kids love him there, but also like their alone time with me....it just works, and if it just works for you....no need to fix it!!!!

Fiddlerontheroof · 01/10/2014 21:25

...and yes' the kids don't want it at the moment, and I respect that's they've been through enough x

combust22 · 01/10/2014 21:31

Why not? My good friends have had a committed relationship for 20 years- they both have their own grown up children, their own homes- they sleep at each other's homes 2/3 nights a week, holiday together.

They were both single parents when they met with kids at school and didn't want to move in together, but have maintained and enjoyed an active relationship for a long time now. It suited them, their kids, and even now that they both elive alone it suits them both too.
They love each other but have lots of time and space for their own friendships.

Sounds great to me.

MaryWestmacott · 01/10/2014 21:31

my mum's friend did something similar, her and her DP got together when his DCs were late primary aged (and unusually for the early 80s, he had custody), hers were just starting school. They quickly realised blending the two families wouldn't work, so carried on with 2 homes, until his had left home, at which point he moved in with her, renting out his place, then finally once her DCs had left home, they bought a house together, about 15 years after they started being a couple.

If you intend to spend the next 30-40 years with this man, having to just 'date' and not live as a couple for the first 5-10 years of that doesn't seem that much of an issue.

Blending families often works, but just head over to the step-parenting board and you'll see they often don't. You might be much better off as 2 families for now.

bananaleaf · 01/10/2014 22:32

I don't think you're mad at all, it sounds like you could have the benefits of a relationship whilst each maintaining a stable environment for your respective DCs.
30 miles doesn't make it too onerous to visit each other and the kids can get to know each other over time. You could spend holidays together. It sounds like you are both on the same page anyway so that's the most important thing.

Jelliebabe2 · 01/10/2014 22:44

My boss is only just buying a place with his girlfriend and they've been together nearly 15 years! Dont with what others think, do what suits you!

kiki0202 · 01/10/2014 22:52

I knew a couple growing up who spent 20+ years living apart as both were carers for their parents once their parents passed away they decided that they actually didn't want to live together and bought two neighbouring semi's so they still had their own homes but were together as much as they wanted to be. They neighbours all thought they were mad but they were one of the strongest happiest couples i've ever come across. Different strokes.

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