How fucking rude?! About divorce.

[blahblahnamechange]

NC because it's identifying.

I'm in the middle of getting divorced and moving out of STBEx-H's house. I'm also starting a new job. There's no requirement for me to be in work for another few days, but I was told it'd help if I could come in and register for a keycard today. For various moving/divorce-related reasons, I couldn't manage it (the journey there and back takes the best part of a working day). So I rang up to apologize and explain, and the HR woman asked if I was having problems, so I explained I was in the middle of a divorce. Her response was a giggle and 'you're far too young to be divorced, I have your paperwork right here!'

I am 29. We were married four years, which isn't exactly tiny-violin levels of sadness I know, but how fucking rude is that?!

I think she's been rude! Especially when she doesn't know you.

I wouldn't be articulately offended by that but then I was divorced for the first time aged 22.

Particularly

Well, it was inappropriate but I think you're being over-sensitive.

Errrr, thats very fucking rude. She doesnt need to make comments on your divorce, the appropriate response would be, "I'm sorry about that, I understand, we can do it another day."

I wouldnt think much of it either way.. it was a comment.. ignore it.

Maybe so, twitter.

It's not the age thing that bothers me (I just mentioned that to give context to her comment). It's giggling and disbelieving when I've told her something she has no reason to assume isn't true.

I honestly didn't know what to say. Ended up with 'Um, well, I am' and left it at that.

Tbh I would be concerned that your personal life was already interfering with your new job, if I was her. It sounds like a relaxed place, which is probably a good thing for you right now with your current difficult circumstances.

Yeah, fair point. I did wonder if her response was because I shouldn't have mentioned it - but then, they have a box for marital status on their application form, so I assume at some stage I need to tell them?

I think a lot of people think a marriage hasn't truly been a marriage until you've endured the thick and thin, sickness and health, etc together.
I must admit my mother would likely laugh too. I'm not condoning the attitude, just saying I'm familiar with it.

It's a mine field alright, it's all the sad, concerned faces when you tell people I couldn't stand, just wanted to say "it's fine, massive relief actually so please don't feel bad for me".

Do you know how old this HR person is? Maybe she's very young and doesn't know what to say when faced with a statement she wasn't expecting?

(Though if that's the case I wonder what she's doing in HR....)

min - well, done a certain amount of enduring, thanks.

nicki - well, I would have just said that!

No, no idea how old she is. She didn't sound particularly young.

She wasn't been rude. She was being embarrassed.

Unreasonably personal to comment either way. Even asking if you were "having problems" is quite nosey.

She was unprofessional. And if there's no requirement for you to come in ahead of the job actually starting, she has no reason to suspect your personal life will interfere with your job. Having said that, I probably wouldn't have mentioned the divorce myself, though that's more to do with my own experience of unhelpful and indiscreet HR departments.

My guess is she was embarrassed, however I don't think she was being nosy asking if there were difficulties in you coming in, she is rightly probably wondering if this is going to continue once you start work.

I can understand you being annoyed by her comment. I separated from my H after just 17 months of marriage and we were divorced after just under 3 years.
A number of people felt free to comment that "hadn't we only just got married" with one work colleague proclaiming that I'd obviously never loved him.
None of these people knew any of the details of our relationship or why it had broken down.

She probably only wanted to know if you had problem with the journey and was embarrassed when you mentioned your private life and said the first thing she could think of.

rusticated - that's probably what I should have done.

I didn't see it as mentioning 'private life' exactly - I didn't go into any detail at all, but obviously it is a fact.

INeed - grr, that's infuriating.

I wouldn't have answered her nosey question as to whether you were having problems, just said it was inconvenient. You have the measure of her now so I would just be more guarded in what I said to her. She was probably trying to be sympathetic.

Ok, I feel better now.

Sounds as if several people would have seen her response as embarrassment/attempt at sympathy so I think I just took it the wrong way. Stressful day!

i would expect someone working in HR to respond more appropriately to someone revealing something about hteir personal circumstances - she let slip her own assumptions. presumably if she had your age in front of her, she also had your (former) work/home address to hand, which would have made it clear how difficult it would be for you to get there in advance

I don't understand why you even felt the need to divulge why you couldn't come in?

A simple "I am not in town for a few days" should have sufficed?

But yes she was rude, and unprofessional !!!