to ask you what you would change first about this situation (relationship/marriage related)

[agoodinnings]

I am fed up.

House is a mess, garden is overgrown and our relationship/marriage is teetering on the brink of dissolution (I keep threatening to leave).

I work PT (although not for much longer) DH works FT (from home mostly with some travelling) and we have 3 lovely DC (youngest is 7).

I just can't seem to get things back on track. I long for a true partnership where we both get busy and get stuff done.

I know this probably isn't a life-shattering AIBU but I do feel as if my life is passing me by and that things/life has to be better than this.

I'm not depressed so there is no excuse for wallowing in self-pity and I don't think I'm lazy. I just don't know what to do for the best.

How does a functional relationship/marriage work?

Do you know why your relationship feels on the edge of dissolving? That would be the first thing I would change or work on. If you have a good relationship then everything else is minor issues which you can resolve.

It doesn't sound like you want to split.
If you have a work change coming up, maybe this change will help?
When I left my job to become a sahm, my relationship improved as I was less tired.

Thanks LadyLuck. DH is a nice guy but he's' the sort who 'helps me' to do things around the house rather than takes much initiative. He moans a lot about being tired etc despite having a fairly straightforward job. I just want a 50:50 partner, always have done but am slowly realising that he would be happy with doing the bare minimum so long as he gets regular sex (which isn't on the agenda at the moment).

Thanks Infinity. Yes, have posted on the relationship board before but have gone for AIBU today as I need to hear if I should just 'wise up' and stop moaning and that this is what life is like.

I was a SAHM for about 10 years and then started working PT, mainly short term contracts in a field related to my 'career'. Have been doing that successfully for 2 years but have nothing lined up at the end of current contract. Have been looking and applying for jobs but no luck. Turned one badly paid one down.

House in the country is DH's dream, I'm a city girl at heart. Can't bring myself to tidy it, just want something small and new and tidy to make a fresh start on. It feels too much to have fix this one up...

You sound very tired op, as in tired of going through the same thing day in day out. It seems as though you are
supporting his dreams(the house) and maybe career and you're now having the 'what about me' feeling. It's ok to feel that way.It's good to take stock of life and see what we can change or improve sometimes.

Fwiw my DH is also the type who asks if he can 'help' but during the week he works in a stressful job and I take care of the home 100%. That's fine with me because that's what needed to keep our life happy on the whole. Weekends he really tries to pitch in and does whatever he can to make me feel not taken for granted. To me that counts. Do you think your DH will be open to having a discussion with you changing current situation. Have you actually spoken to him about this? Is he willing to listen to how you feel and make changes?

LadyLuck, we do talk, but nothing changes. He does his fair share (about 30%?) of the essential things like school runs, shopping, cooking, tidying (he cleans the bathrooms every now and again) but then he downs tools.

Infinity, I have been thinking along those lines about the house. I've just done 20 minutes picking up around the garden. He walks down the garden everyday and wouldn't even think to pick anything up, it's hard not to get angry. The whole place is just such a mess.

So, have talked to DH and he says it's not his dream after all. It's easy to say that now, this place couldn't be anyones dream. He says if I want it to be tidier then I should just tidy it. I have more time than him so I should do it, end of. He is just not interested in doing what it takes to keep a home. If he was living on his own I don't doubt that the place would be chaos (even more so than it is now).

Please could someone share their OH's daily routine that shows them as committed husbands and fathers, committed to helping to make and maintain a home. Am I wrong in thinking that other men take pride in having a nice home?

DH is now saying that I am insane and that I need to see someone. He doesn't understand why I just don't do everything if it's bothering me so much. His suggestion was to move the DC to schools locally so that we wouldn't have to spend so much time ferrying them around. He does a few school runs a week and that's his excuse for not wanting to pay attention to the house. He just wants to sit on the sofa with his feet up.

Apologies for ranting but I do feel a bit like I am losing the plot. Thanks for reading and replying, it's helping to keep me focussed and calm.

How would it work if you went down the line of explaining that not doing work around the house is showing a lack of respect for you?

My DH has a lower standard of tidy and clean than me and I'm a bit of a sloven tbh and didn't want to be bothered to put much effort in.

After getting frustrated, I explained that even if he didn't see the point, I felt like he didn't care about me because he didn't care about what was important to me, and that doing the dishes or picking up after himself would improve our relationship and possibly lead to more sex as I wasn't so tired and could respect him more etc.

It did help, I still do more because I care more and have more time, but if I request him to do something he'll do it, is increasingly noticing stuff and doing it off his own back, and I feel more valued.

Can you hire a cleaning company to come do a deep clean to help you get back on track?
Your marriage sounds salvageable.

I can sort of see that if he works FT albeit from home mostly but you work PT and maybe not at all a 50:50 split on housework childcare is not fair

however i can also see that him not taking the initiative is hard for you

it is also problematic when 1 partners standards or desires for cleanliness tidiness are higher than the others doing 50/50 of what you think is overkill is hard too

I think you need to talk more about division of labour and just take some tasks each

tidying whole house/garden can seem to be too big a task to be even worth starting so he/you don't start it may help to divide into small chunks

maybe 1 hour on saturday morning after breakfast do as much as you can in garden then have coffee / biscuits and rope DC in too then leave it and do another hour another day

Teacup, the split of housework doesn't have to be 50:50 (I do most cooking, all washing, most shopping, most school stuff) but was does have to be equally split is a desire to have a welcoming family home. He is just not that bothered and would live in a pig sty but will do stuff when asked.

There is some odd psychology going on and neither of us is actually taking ownership of how bad things have become. I have priced up a spring clean and was going to do the same with the garden but it's hard not to feel resentful, and what's to stop it all disintegrating again?

Well we've just spent 12k having the outside of the house replastered and painted.

DH now knows that on Monday evening we clear up for the cleaner who comes on Tuesdays.

In terms of what to tackle first, I really recommend reading How to Do Everything and Be Happy by Peter Jones. It's very good at getting you to think about what you want out of life, breaking it down into managable goals, and making those first steps to getting it done. Things really started to change in our house after I read it - including getting the cleaner, discussing with DH what needed to be done on the house and garden, and prioritising.

As it happens a good relationship with DH is one of the things on my NOW list (a tool from the book). So have set a target of 2 date nights every month, one out of the house, one at home (because Im pg and knackered). We are going on the Marriage Course in November - if there's one running at a church near you, I cant recommend it enough. It's structured, safe, no sharing with others, and easier to engage with than traditional therapy.

You are just different from each other. Neither is right or wrong. Luckily in our marriage were both tidy and had similar aims and get up and go. Also he had had a house before we married so had his systems for stacking dishwashers, hanging shirts to dry - he taught me. I had never owned a house. When babies came as I would in due course earn a lot more (full time lawyer) he did a bit mroe than I did at home.

You were asking about routines. When our first children were young I got up first (morning person) to breastfeed, wake children. He and I both did their breakfast. I plaited the girls' hair, he got school bags ready. I stayed until our nanny arrived then got the tube to London. He was the one to get home first around 6pm from work and took over with the baby, toddler whatever. He did 100% of the washing. We shared cooking. It did vary over the years. He took chilren to dentist for 17 years and I not at all. We just had a fair division. Eventually we could afford a cleaner which helped. I always worked full time and ultimately earned 10x what he did.

May be your problem is that you don't work full time. Work full time, out earn him, pay for help with the garden and house and all is well. The solution lies in women earning a lot and having money and power. Feminism as ever rules....

Sounds like you are fed up with your lot and feeling overwhelmed. I think the husband 'not doing much' is a red herring. He works FT you work PT, surely the division of household chores should reflect this? You ask how a functional marriage works? By communicating without blame and accusation, sounds like you are really angry with your dh at the moment but I would hazard a guess that he is a handy focal point for a wider sense of dissatisfaction in life.

You asked about routines...
Our routine (we both work FT, he works 14 hour shifts and I can work flexibly so do a lot of work at home so I can be there for kids)
If I'm taking kids to school and picking up
He gets up and goes to work.
I get up, get myself ready,iron kids clothes, get book bags ready, get kids up, give them breakfast, make sure they get dressed and off to school at an appropriate time.
Leave work early to be at home for them, come home pick up work emails, be there for kids to make drink / snack etc, clean / finish work emails while the kids play, make dinner, clean up after dinner, spend time with kids, put kids to bed, clean up, DH gets home at 9.30. I sit down with him and start work again.

If he is at home:
I get up, get ready, wake kids up and motivate them to get out of bed, make sure they have what they need for school and go to work.
He does everything else the same as me in the morning. After school he is there for them and sits with them till I get home, perhaps makes tea. When i get home we do the evening jobs together.

Typically I clean, he tidies (not to my standard though), we share cooking washing etc, he puts bins out, I clean the bathroom. I do the garden which is why it looks a mess.

Our house is a shit tip because we are busy and knackered all the time (also have 2 boys, 1 with SEN, and a chocolate lab who stinks!), gets me down sometimes but when it does I rant and rave, do a deep clean and feel better, he says all the right things and humours me till i calm down - then he tells me what a great job I've done.

Thanks very much for the helpful replies. I think getting a one of clean may motivate me (and hopefully DH). I have been thinking of FT work and I do feel that it will help me to let go of my annoyance at the petty house /garden stuff. I will have a look at the Peter Jones book, thanks for the recommendation redexpat. It is interesting hearing routines that work and are not about taking orders. i don't want to give orders but DH wants to take them!

You sound like you want to leave and that you would be happier without him. You want a full partnership, but your DH - while essentially kind - is a lazy manchild who you no longer respect.

Am I on the right track?

"DH is now saying that I am insane and that I need to see someone. He doesn't understand why I just don't do everything if it's bothering me so much. His suggestion was to move the DC to schools locally so that we wouldn't have to spend so much time ferrying them around. He does a few school runs a week and that's his excuse for not wanting to pay attention to the house. He just wants to sit on the sofa with his feet up"

This just sounds awful. Sorry to be so harsh, but having been with a guy like that I could never go back. "Need to see someone" is a huge red flag for me. You don't want to live in a shit-tip and take responsibility for everything while he sits on the sofa moaning, ergo you must be mad.

In answer to your OP - yes, life can be so much better than this. I suspect that if you left him and did your own think you would feel like a completely new woman.

You ask for functional routines:

DP and I both work FT but he dies much longer hours.

He takes care of gardening (as in lawn mowing and hedge trimming) without any prompting from me.

He does repairs/DIY/decorating but I sometimes have to remind him. Once he gets stuck in he takes pride in the job at hand though.

I do all cooking and grocery shopping because I enjoy it.

We have a cleaner.

That really leaves laundry and tidying. He has really low standards in both areas. I take the tidying upon myself mostly. I do more of the laundry too, but if I ask DP to do it, he will, without any/much grumbling.

I used to be more sniffy that he didn't take more initiative to do laundry/tidying without prompting, but have just got over it and accepted I'm in a relatively good position that he'll do it as long as I remind him or ask him. Would your DH do the same?

So he wants you to do all the domestic work and open your legs more often? This man might be 'kind' as in he doesn't hit you, but he's actually a man who doesn't really consider women to be human. As far as he's concerned, you are a domestic appliance with a bonus fitting he can stick his knob in. You might whine sometimes but if he closes his ears to it, normal function continues.

I have just been outside in the garden doing some more sorting out (washing and putting away the disgusting paddling pool), clearing a path to the oil tank etc. Came across a mountain of bottles for the bottle bank. I stupidly though DH was taking the bottles rather than leaving them outside to get sodden. The smell of the pile was beyond putrid. Have now sorted though half of them and will take them myself. Have told DH that he can take the other half.

The house and garden will get clean and it will be me that does it but when it's done I know that I'll have no relationship left. Everywhere I look there is something else to get annoyed about.

SGB, there will be no relations!