to ask you what you would change first about this situation (relationship/marriage related)

[agoodinnings]

I am fed up.

House is a mess, garden is overgrown and our relationship/marriage is teetering on the brink of dissolution (I keep threatening to leave).

I work PT (although not for much longer) DH works FT (from home mostly with some travelling) and we have 3 lovely DC (youngest is 7).

I just can't seem to get things back on track. I long for a true partnership where we both get busy and get stuff done.

I know this probably isn't a life-shattering AIBU but I do feel as if my life is passing me by and that things/life has to be better than this.

I'm not depressed so there is no excuse for wallowing in self-pity and I don't think I'm lazy. I just don't know what to do for the best.

How does a functional relationship/marriage work?

I may be way off track here but it sounds to me as if you are experiencing a sort of mid life crisis. Thoughts of "Is this it?" "If the next 10/20/40 years of my life is going to be the same as the last 10, then really, what's the point."

You can use this as a very powerful motivation to change and improve your life. However, you have to realise that your DH is probably very happy with things as they are and will resist any change. If you want to stay with him then you will have to accept that he will probably not change re. the house and garden. Obviously you've talked already and his "you need to see someone" is incredibly patronising and dismissive.

WWID? Probably yes to getting a deep clean of the house done professionally and possibly also the garden. Ask DH if he prefers it now it's been done - hopefully he will - and ask what he can contribute towards keeping it like that. Get quotes for the work that needs doing on the house and present them to DH. Start looking for the more suitable kind of house that you would prefer to live in. Discuss the possibility of moving.

His response to all this will determine what you need to do next. You will have to decide if his response is acceptable to you or not. Can you continue to live like that? Obviously you have the DC to consider too. Give it some time and some thought, don't rush in to anything, but don't completely subsume your needs and desires to his complacency and laziness. It's not enough that one partner is happy; there has to be compromise if you don't agree on what is acceptable. You may have to lower your standards a bit but only if he raises his a bit and you meet somewhere in the middle. Ask him if he wants you to be miserable, and take it from there.

ReaForTara, thank you so much for your post. I think I will get the extra help to get things back to a respectable level (house/garden). DH is not happy as we don't have enough sex for his liking, mine either but that's just how it is when we aren't on the same page. He seems so old fashioned in many ways and lots of what he says to me is sexist. He also says things like "if you want the house to be tidy then just tidy it". He maintains that the mess isn't his but I'm not sure what is is about the cobwebs that make them mine!

We had another big talk and he has said that he will get up at 6am to clean as long as I get up with him. Hair-brained idea but I'll give anything a go at this stage.

I think that it does help in a working marriage to have 2 people who have the same outlook on how tidy a house ought to be.

Both DH and I are pretty slatternly when it comes to housework. He would prefer a more minimalist, "show style" house but does nothing to help achieve it, and I like a cosy homely look, couldn't bear to live in a "show house" minimalist place. Thing is, he lived in my house with me well before we moved to our current home, so he knew exactly what I was like, and at no point did he mention his preference until we got to the new house (bit fucking late!)
But - because he does nothing to help achieve his "dream" showpony home, and it doesn't suit me anyway, I certainly don't do anything towards it either.

Whereas I have a friend whose DH is one who really needs his home to be showhouse standard at all times. She isn't bothered, so he's the one who does all the cleaning and tidying because it matters far more to him than it does to her. This makes sense to me. If my DH really really wanted our house to look more like a show house, then I'd expect him to put more effort into creating that look, because I really CBA (and don't really want that anyway) - but DH obviously doesn't care enough to do it himself.

I think it will massively help to get that spring clean, if only to start from a fresh slate. It's cheaper than getting a regular cleaner so just getting a spring clean every now again may help. When you're not sure where to start to get the house back into a good condition it is hugely demoralising.

Re your DH doing this fair share... the "mess isn't his" line sounds like something an old flatmade used to say - when we were 22

No one makes cobwebs. No one makes dust. They just appear and need to be dealt with. It's all part and parcel of running a house - doing the laundry, getting the shopping in, buying clothes for the DC, mowing the lawn...

This might be a bit childish but could you come up with a list of everything that needs doing around the house, show it to him, and ask him if he can explain who "created" these things that need doing?

So this morning we both got up at 6am and cleaned. I worked until 7:10 before turning into mum mode and getting the kids sorted. He is still in the downstairs bathroom cleaning and has said nothing to anyone. No good morning or have a nice day to the kids…….I feel like I am going to explode. I've just said to him that he can't possibly think that this is OK - I got no response.

I sometimes judge who is doing more work by who gets to spend more time on the sofa! When you have kids, there are plenty of things that are activities, such as playing with the kids that mean that you cannot just get on with the household tasks, but are equally important.

So, if I think DH is having a lazy weekend, I keep an eye on how much time we each get to spend truely relaxing, and then I boot him of the sofa as necessary!

It sounds like you are both stuck in a rut, I know I get like that when everything gets in a mess, the whole picture is just too big to cope with. We can give you advice on where to start, but your DH is a lot of the problem, and I'm not sure where best to start to fix your relationship - has he always been like this? Is there any chance that the house has driven him into ostrich mode?

I don't think I love him anymore. I just can't cope with this ridiculous behaviour. He is now calling me a bitch and stomping around. Says he doesn't like the kids when we are at odds. i have told him I don't love him and I want him to leave. You can guess his response…

Any advice would be greatly received.

Thanks Infinity.

You and your DH need to sit down and talk properly when you're not in a nark with each other. Seriously, splitting up is a massive massive thing for everyone and it doesn't sound like you've thought all the implications through.

Not saying it's the wrong thing to do, but I would want to delve into the issues a hell of a lot more before deciding if this stuff is a deal-breaker.

Have you thought about seeing someone - counsellor? Not because he says you're crazy (you're not!), but because your life isn't working for you right now and it sounds as if things have really got on top of you. Once you clear that away, you'll have a better chance of working out what you really want. Someone external to the situation might help you with a bit of a spring-clean for your life. Much like getting in a cleaner so you're in a better place to keep things on track going forward.

Or would your DH be amenable to Relate counselling? Some people just don't get how important it is for others to live in pleasant surroundings and how badly it can affect you if everything's out of kilter. And it seems to me that there must be a lot of other issues going on too. Your communication with each other certainly seems a bit off at the moment.

I think I'm thinking along the lines of what TeaforTara said earlier, just not expressing it as well...

I'm going to go against the grain and say, you should make good on your threat and actually leave him.

• He calls you a bitch because he has to do some cleaning.
• He says 'you need to see somebody' because you want him to do his share.
• He says 'he doesn't like the kids' and ignores and punishes them because he is having to do something around the house.

No wonder you don't love him any more. This goes WAY beyond 'stuck in a rut' and 'your communication is a bit off'.

You asked what other posters would do - I'd kick his lazy arse out and start a new life on my own terms. I can virtually guarantee that you will be 100 times happier and so will the kids.