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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To put dd on contraception?

60 replies

SublimeCorpse · 30/09/2014 21:16

Dd is 15 and her bf is 17.

If I take her to the Gp for contraception am I being sensible, or encouraging underage sex?

OP posts:
TheStrawberryQueen · 30/09/2014 22:27

I also think the chances of a 17yo being prosecuted for having consensual sex with a 15yo are vanishingly slim.

True.

I'm in no way saying that underage sex is okay, but I do think that lots of people seem to forget what the age of consent is there for. It's there to protect children from being taken advantage of by predatory adults. It's not there to prosecute mutually consenting teenagers of similar age.

Even though one of them is still below the age of consent, a 15 year old and a 17 year old would probably fall under the bracket of mutually consenting teenagers.

Essexgirlupnorth · 30/09/2014 22:30

No sensible I wouldn't be happy about my daughter having sex underage but I would rather she took precautions than had an unplanned pregnancy.

Sounds like you have a really good open relationship with your daughter.

When I went to the GP for my 6 week postnatal check he told me condoms weren't that effective so he gave me the mini pill and I now have an implant.

wanttosqueezeyou · 30/09/2014 22:36

Appreciate that you're walking a really fine line with this but I personally think you are encouraging her. I'd be pushing that she's underage. She shouldn't feel pressured into sex. There's no hurry. There's always a risk of pregnancy etc etc

SevenZarkSeven · 30/09/2014 22:40

Loads of people use condoms as only line of contraception, correctly used they are pretty effective.

I find it worrying that a GP would push hormones on the basis that condoms "aren't that effective".

I mean if it works for you that's great and I've had loads of hormonal contraception myself but still artificial hormones affect / can affect loads of things and yet society / doctors just dish it out even to children willy nilly.

SevenZarkSeven · 30/09/2014 22:42

98% effective.

Not perfect obv but "aren't that effective" seems somewhat scare-mongery.

Sorry this is off topic though.

OP please do bear in mind that if she is on the pill, it will may well act as a disincentive to use condoms esp. if she has been with him for a while / once they have been together for a while.

BumpNGrind · 30/09/2014 22:50

I think it's a sensible idea to discuss her options with her not just in terms of sexual health but in terms on general health and family medical history. I got on well with the depo injection, but it was only when I started having joint problems and mentioned it to the dr at the family planning clinic that she realised that the health board had removed an initial assessment question about history of osteoporosis. My family does indeed have this and apparently this type of contraception as a teenager (which I am definately not) could really harm future bone density. It's worthwhile your daughter knowing her options and expectations from hormonal contraception, and knowing what to do if something doesn't work for her.

Original poster
SublimeCorpse · 30/09/2014 23:08

I have made it clear to her that as she is under 16 it is illegal for them to have sex and that it could land her bf in trouble if they did sleep together. She says that she isn't ready for sex right now and I believe her, but I also know that it's possible to get carried away, in the heat of the moment etc, and I just want her to be prepared and to be safe.

I didn't consider that hormonal contraception might leave them feeling thru could be lax with condoms, that's a really good point.

Lots of food for thought here, thank you

OP posts:
needacosmo · 30/09/2014 23:14

I don't think you are encouraging sex I think you are being a brilliant mum by preparing her and being there for her. She knows she can come to you.
If she's going to get caught up in the heat of the moment and have sex then she will do it, there's nothing you can do but prepare her. You are not encouraging her to be promiscuous, you are protecting her from possible sti's and teenage pregnancies, which are much more difficult than sex a few months before she's legal with a stable partner.

Well done op Wine

SauvignonBlank · 30/09/2014 23:23

Well done you for supporting her and being pragmatic. I took my daughter age 16 for an implant, when I had one done too ! It's really hard I know, but at least you are in a position to have the conversation with her. The only thing I would add, which I'm sure you'll be all over anyway is to really talk about the emotional side of sex too, aside from physical urges and legality issues. Good luck.

Bulbasaur · 30/09/2014 23:34

Can you take her for a wellness exam and tell the nurse you approve of any contraception method she does or does not choose, and then leave her to it?

She might be more likely to discuss her options freer without her mother in the room.

I think with my daughter, I'll make sure she knows where offices are that she can get contraception should she need it, and when I take her for her first wellness visit, she can talk to the doctors about it in depth.

Handsoff7 · 01/10/2014 09:44

The real world failure rates of the pill and condoms are 8% and 15% respectively - actually quite high.

The lower figures quoted are based on perfect use which I think is optimistic for even the most together teenagers. When I was younger I wasn't comfortable with only using one form for that reason and your daughter may well be the same when the time comes.

I think you're handling this well OP but I think it is worth highlighting the real figures to her. I suspect the often quoted 2% condom failure rate leads to a lot of unwanted pregnancies.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 01/10/2014 09:54

I do think you're less likely to get carried away if you're not already set up with hormonal contraception though. At least that 'condom break' provides a few seconds to cool off.

I always took the 'belt and braces' approach - pill for pregnancy, condoms for STIs, but mind you I was part of the AIDS/tombstone advertising/we're all gonna die of sex generation so that was pretty what all of my friends did...

God I'm such a gimmer.

Purpleroxy · 01/10/2014 09:59

Op your friend is wrong. You have helped your dd in an open and honest way.

TheStrawberryQueen · 01/10/2014 10:08

Bulbasaur, what's a wellness exam?

TheStrawberryQueen · 01/10/2014 10:15

Does your DD actually want to be on some form of contraception OP? It might sound like a silly question but I think it is an important point to bring up.

You can talk to her about how it would be a good idea to be on conrtraception but you can't really "put" her on it as such. If you took her to the GP asking for her to be put on the pill for instance but she doesn't want it then he won't prescribe it.

Personally I would talk to her and make sure she knows what options are available. Also point her in the direction of the nearest family planning clinic and let her know that if she wants to get on some form of contraception then she should go there to talk to the nurses about options, etc.

Also make sure she knows that even if she's on contraception that it's still vital that she uses condoms - both as a secondary protection against pregnancy and of course STD's. Drill that into her.

Mrsjayy · 01/10/2014 10:23

You can't encourage teenagers to have sex if they are going to they will I think her protecting herself is a sensible option dd put herself on the pill at 16 which I was proud of she took responsibility for herself, ask your dd recommend itsay she doesn't want a baby at 16, etc

Mrsjayy · 01/10/2014 10:26

I agree she should go on her own talk openly with the nurse without her mum there although she might want you there but her sex life is her business

gamerchick · 01/10/2014 10:31

I frogmarched mine down the the implant. Rights, wrongs, all the talking in the world won't stop a teen from having sex if they get the urge and once they start it's Impossible to stop them.

Chippednailvarnish · 01/10/2014 10:35

I wish more parents were like you OP, go to your GP with her and see what they suggest. (Funnily enough I don't remember seeing your post where you said you were planning to stuff your DD full of artificial hormones).

People seem to forget that even if you tell a teenager not to have sex that doesn't mean they won't...

happygirl87 · 01/10/2014 10:46

It is MUCH MUCH easier as a teen to be on the pill than use condoms!

Condoms split, run out if you have more sex than planned, don't work well with oil/suncream, may not be available if you have sex somewhere unexpected, and are expensive to buy if you can't get to a free clinic.

Yes they are important of course, but I think that for a young girl the Pill is far far more reliable in terms of controlling your own reproduction.

It is not ideal to be on hormones for years, but I think far better to come off the pill at an older age, when you mainly have sex in your own bed, can access, buy, store etc the condoms, and hopefully are with a man who agrees to use them (but frankly are more able to withstand the pressure of a man who would rather go without, and not just give in) than as a teen.

happygirl87 · 01/10/2014 10:48

And I think you are very responsible and a great Mum. My mum did the same for me at 14 Shock I definitely would have had sex anyway when the time came, but this way I was prepared.

4o08 · 01/10/2014 10:55

I had sex at 13, I would have loved to have a Mum who wanted to discuss sex etc. My Mum cared more about getting us out of the house so she could spend time with her partner than what we were up to.

I was very young, didn't know what I was doing really and I would have really appreciated having a Mum to guide me.

I think that your daughter is a lucky girl, you're not encouraging, just supporting her.

OwlinaTree · 01/10/2014 12:39

I think this is a good approach. My mum thought she could just tell me to keep my legs crossed and cried when I told her I was on the pill (at 17). I think she genuinely thought I would wait till I was married.

Luckily I read mizz magazine so got all the info from there.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 01/10/2014 13:22

I get what you're saying happy but pregnancy isn't the only risk involved in sex. And teenagers aren't incapable of saying no, we've ran out of condoms so we can't have sex. I had a lot of sex as a young person, but I always used a condom.

Callani · 01/10/2014 13:56

I second what PPs have said about talking to your daughter and empowering her to make the decision - what I would add is that it took me AGES to find a pill that worked for me and I suffered with months of awful side effects before settling with a good one in my early 20s so you may want to work on the assumption that this could happen and consider timings around things such as exams etc.