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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel annoyed that my DS wont get anything near from his grandfather when my nieces have had over the years?

35 replies

hulahoopsilove · 30/09/2014 13:23

large age gap between my sisters kids and my only one. My neices havent wanted for anything from my DF their grandfather brand new cars, all insured mot'd tax for year upon year, new beds when they moved house, one privately educated, school trips paid for....

Roll on a few years I know my Dad's circumstances have changed he's retired, ill health and house bound but my neices rarely go see him and dont bother.

My DS gets a bit of pocket money every other week off him and wont get any of the above. Mades me angry as theyve had everything and my sister allowed him to carry on doing it all even when they were both working and earning money

OP posts:

LaurieFairyCake · 30/09/2014 13:24

Well you should have had children earlier if you wanted them to avariciously benefit

You are all sorts of unreasonable

Bowlersarm · 30/09/2014 13:26

I think YABU.

Presumably it gave your father a lot of pleasure to do these things for his granddaughters?

How did he know you would be having any children at all? He was doing his best at the time.

netty7070 · 30/09/2014 13:27

Your DH can't help his changed circumstances but I don't actually think being a bit annoyed about the situation is unreasonable. As long as you don't communicate it to your DH or DS, neither of whom have done anything wrong.

somewherewest · 30/09/2014 13:27

Its his money shrug

netty7070 · 30/09/2014 13:27

DSis

QuintessentiallyQS · 30/09/2014 13:29

Yabu.
But, my grandma only had two grandchildren. She knew she had been able to support my sister through her studies by giving her cash now and then over the years, as my sister was 13 years older than me. She had kept careful count of how much she had given my sister, and on my 16th birthday, knowing she would not be around for much longer, gave me £3k, to "even it out". I was of course happy, but most of all sad that my sister had the benefit of her presence in her life until she was in her twenties, but I would not get that.

Just you make sure that your son builds memories with your dad.

My parents are too old and infirm to build any kind of special memories with my children, and that is my biggest sorrow.

originalusernamefail · 30/09/2014 13:30

Your DF did the best he could for his DGDs, now his circumstances have changed he's doing his best for your DS.

YABU

It's a shame your nieces don't have more to do with him now he can't give them as much but that's a different thread.

TheWitTank · 30/09/2014 13:30

YABU. He is a grandad not a bloody cash point. He has done what he wanted with HIS money. It's hardly his fault or your sisters that his health has failed, I'm sure your children would have had their "share" had he been able to provide it.

Original poster

hulahoopsilove · 30/09/2014 13:31

Im thinking now the post should of been...

To feel annoyed at my neices for not giving too hoots about their grandfather and cant be arsed to go see him after all he's done for them"

To feel annoyed at my DS who hasnt given my neices a kick up the arse and asked them why they havent visited their grandfather for 8 months after all he's done for them

OP posts:

AMumInScotland · 30/09/2014 13:32

Obviously you should have had children earlier than your sister and made sure you were at the front of the queue for his money....

Or maybe, you know, you might think now he's retired (I'm guessing) he might be more involved in your child's life and your son will be enriched immeasurably more by his company and interest than by material things.

Or not?

My dad's gone now. I know I'm far more glad of the time he spent with my DS than any financial benefit we might have had from the relationship.

catgirl1976 · 30/09/2014 13:32

YABVVU

Your DF is doing the best he could. I doubt he wanted to have ill health and reduced circumstances and I am sure he would love to be in a posiiton to do more for your DS

The important thing is that he loves him.

AMumInScotland · 30/09/2014 13:34

But maybe what they'd had from him was material and not emotional?

If he acted like a cash machine, giving money but not time and attention - whether deliberately or because of his circumstances at the time - then the relationship may not really be there in the same way as you might wish.

Original poster

hulahoopsilove · 30/09/2014 13:35

I dont actually think my DF realises how much he did for them...I think Im mroe annoyed that he's been seriously ill the last month and neither had bothered no phone call, no visit. Very upsetting for him I know.

They dont get anything now so why bother visiting Im sure is their attitude

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SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 30/09/2014 13:36

I'm not sure whether your problem is that your dad spent so much of his money on your nieces & you think your sister shouldn't have let him, or, that you think it was fine for him to buy all of that for them, but are pissed off that your own son won't get the same.

I am one of four children. My DCs were 14, 11 & 1 when my mum died. Two of my siblings did not have their children until after DM had passed away. They obviously feel a great sadness that their DCs & their parents will never know each other (dad passed away 11 years ago too) but I really hope they don't have a resentment of my DCs, or my other sisters' DCs, just because they happened to be born earlier. With us, the resentment could not be about money so much but babysitting, holidays, Christmas presents etc. etc.

ReallyQuiteConfused · 30/09/2014 13:37

Hula I'm guessing this post was meant to be about being angry with your nieces ignoring your father after all he's done for them and NOT about the money? Because if you're angry about your nieces not seeing him, YANBU. If you're angry at your ds not getting the same sort of money from your df YABU

Original poster

hulahoopsilove · 30/09/2014 13:38

The penny has just dropped thank you everyone....

I now realise that my DS although doesnt and wont inherit anything financially he has far more memories and stories to tell than they ever will...worth its weight in gold that

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RiverTam · 30/09/2014 13:40

I know on MN that it absolutely isn't the done thing to expect or hope for anything, ever, from family, but I don't think you're U to feel a bit down about this, any kind of imbalance like that is hard.

I would try to focus on your relationship with him. How sad that his nieces won't visit (though they might also subscribe to the MN rule that just because you've benefitted from someone doesn't mean you shouldn't do something for them in return).

BeyondRepair · 30/09/2014 13:41

Maybe you should call your nieces and say, GP not well please call he would like...

I agree I am sure it gave your DF tons of pleasure treating his granddaughters...

Original poster

hulahoopsilove · 30/09/2014 13:44

My sister should tell them not me but she has always protected her children from everything she once said "she didnt want to bother them"

OP posts:

ebwy · 30/09/2014 13:46

my grandmother (3 years before she died) asked me "what do you want when I go, because all the others have said what they want?" (meaning my aunts and cousin)

She was rather surprised by my response. I hugged her, had a cuddle and a sniffle and told her that I would just want my nanna back because I love her.

I ended up with "worthless" things while others got the "good" things.. I have candlesticks I've always loved and think of as associated with my grandmother. And the comfort that she knew how I felt.

And I treasure that. If the relationship with his grandfather is good, your son will feel the same.

Original poster

hulahoopsilove · 30/09/2014 13:52

My DS adores his grandfather...he is the youngest in the family and the baby so to speak. My DF feels the same.

It grinds me to think they have had the best best start in life with everything given to them on silver platter and so has my sister but now they are all no where to be seen or its excuse after excuse.

This posting and reading these messages have made me realise actually to drop the anger and just be grateful for what I have and do for me DF because I do it because I want to do it and my DS does the same.

OP posts:

AMumInScotland · 30/09/2014 13:54

Your sister ought to make the suggestion, but if she doesn't treat them as adults who should be bothered by normal decency, then maybe you should contact them and say something anyway. They might be shocked to realise that he's really ill and they haven't seen him in a while. It can be easy to assume the older generation are always going to be there, because you just don't think about mortality at that age. Specially if nobody talks to you as an adult and expects you to be one.

Original poster

hulahoopsilove · 30/09/2014 13:56

they are both adults 24 and 30!!!!!

OP posts:

ILovePud · 30/09/2014 13:59

YANBU to feel annoyed, that's how you feel and I can understand where you are coming from, it isn't fair that your sister's kids got so much in the way of material things and your DS is getting so little. It isn't fair that you Dad became ill and I'm sure if his circumstances where the same now as they were then he'd do the same for your son. It's horrible that his granddaughters don't bother with him and that must be very hurtful but hopefully getting to spend time with your son is a positive focus. It would be unreasonable if you were demanding that he take out a loan to make sure that your son got exactly the same kind of financial support that his cousins got but you've said no such thing, your feeling annoyed and saddened and people shouldn't be judging you on those feelings only your actions which are perfectly reasonable.

Original poster

hulahoopsilove · 30/09/2014 14:06

like I said my DS adore his GF and can see how I look after him and am sure this will rub off on him. My neices however will maybe be grandmothers themselves one day wonder what they would feel like if their grand children behaved like this?

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