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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To limit contact with Father in law?

35 replies

queenmools · 30/09/2014 12:05

I'll start with a bit of background. We have a 3 year old DS and another on the way. Our DS is my in laws only Grandchild (so far). They are not really child friendly people and I accept that. They have never offered any help or support and have only looked after DS twice in 3 years and that was very reluctantly because my parents weren't available. I don't mind them not wanting to help, that is their choice. They never show DS any affection. We only see them when we initiate contact and make effort to travel to them (they live 30 mins away)Mother in law is very awkward around children and doesn't know what to say or do but is harmless enough and wants to try.
My real problem is with FiL. The last couple of times we have seen them have been really stressful for me. DS is a typical three year old, likes things done in certain ways and doesn't really understand teasing yet. FiL has taken to winding him up. Not in a over excited Grandparent way, in a more nasty way I feel. For example we went for lunch and what ever DS said FiL just replied no. Until Ds was on the point of tears and DH told FiL to stop. On Ds's birthday FiL said " Look I've got a lovely big present here but it is not for you because it says moolsjunior on it and that is not you because moolsjunior is nice" Also on the same day DS was counting and FiL kept telling him he was getting the numbers wrong when he wasn't. so DS got very confused and starting shouting "that is a five, it is, it is" so FiL got angry with him for shouting. On that occassion SiL stepped in and stopped her dad.
Anyway I'll get to the point.This weekend we met up because it was FiL's birthday. DS was being mildly fussy about his food. DH and I normally ignore the fuss and he tends to get on with eating once he knows he's not getting anywhere. FiL on the other hand kept saying stuff like "Oh you don't want that, well what do you want......a clip round the ear?" and "give him a kick" sort of joking but sort of implying that we should be smacking him for not eating.
Then he told DS that he wouldn't be taking him to the park as promised and I could see DS getting wound up almost to the point of a full on melt down. So I just said not to take any notice of granddad, I would be taking him to the park. So then FiL notices that DS is getting upset (because of him) and says "what are you dim?" DS doesn't understand so asks what he said so FiL repeats " yeah you're dim, you're thick" at which point DH tells his dad that DS is not thick and that he'd rather that FiL didn't say it again as if you label a child that is what they become. So FiL came up with the old "didn't do you any harm" chestnut. Bless my DH he responded with "yes it did I'm psychologically damaged"
I've told DH I never want Ds to see FiL again as he's moved on from being a bit useless to being a bully. DH reasons that as we hardly see them anyway it doesn't matter and we could just initiate contact less. So AIBU to let the relationship slide or should we spell out our concerns to FiL to see if the situation improves.
Sorry that was a long rant. Once I got going I couldn't stop!

OP posts:
CreepyLittleBat · 30/09/2014 12:09

Dear god, YANBU in the slightest. What a vile and bizarre man! Emotionally abusive and threatening violence - you are right to protect your little ds from that. If they never initiate contact, I would be glad and leave it at that.

sparechange · 30/09/2014 12:11

He sounds completely unstable.
Why on earth would you or your DH want to expose your child to such a vile man again? Did your MIL say anything, or are they all used to being bullied by him?
YANBU. Do you DS a favour and don't subject him to that again.

AnyFucker · 30/09/2014 12:11

I would keep my child away from a dickhead like that. Special occasions only if your H absolutely insists but keep them sitting apart even then. I would also tell your IL's exactly why.

brainfidget · 30/09/2014 12:15

That's so awful. Can you do both - i.e. avoid contact and tell them exactly why, with clear examples?

Then, if he genuinely didn't meant to be cruel, and is perhaps misjudging how to appropriately tease a small child, he can apologise and amend his behaviour, and your DS need not lose what could be a good and supportive set of grand-parents.

ThirdPoliceman · 30/09/2014 12:16

If I was in your shoes I would consider telling your PIL clearly that you will no longer tolerate this anymore, that if they wish to have a relationship with your children they need to stop the teasing and arsing about with the mind and emotions of a small impressionable child.
It probably would be better coming from your DH, but with you there beside him.
Your FIL sounds awful. Your poor little boy.

starlight1234 · 30/09/2014 12:16

I would feel exactly the same as you but as someone who is estranged from Awful parents it is hard to still not want there approval and cut them out

I would suggest you ask DH to have a chat with Dad about how he speaks to DS.. though doubt with this kind of person will make any difference at least you can feel you have tried everything you can

Original poster
queenmools · 30/09/2014 12:19

I'm glad it is not just me who think's he's a dick head. I'm a bit of a sensitive soul and my own parents are lovely with children so thought maybe I was over reacting. My DH had lovely grandparents on his mum's side so I don't really understand why she's so unsupportive, I guess FiL has worn her down over the years.

OP posts:
Whoopsadazy · 30/09/2014 12:22

Let it slide.

AnyFucker · 30/09/2014 12:23

really, dazy ?

IloveJudgeJudy · 30/09/2014 12:25

I had a father like your FIL who was horrible to my DS1. Unfortunately, I should have acted earlier to cut him out of our lives, but I did that in the end. He died last year and I really, really don't miss him. He wasn't horrible all the time - bullies never are - but I would say, don't let your DS have any more contact with him. Your MIL isn't mentioned, I don't think, but you could perhaps meet her without FIL. My DM took a long time to realise and accept that we didn't want to and wouldn't meet my father at all. She started by saying that if we wouldn't meet him, then we couldn't meet her, but backed down after a few months.

Thebodyloveschocolateandwine · 30/09/2014 12:25

Oh my good god he sounds absolutist bloody vile.

I would keep my husband away from him.

I wouldn't let my kids anywhere near this bastard for anything.

Your poor dh what a horrible dad to have grown up with.

I would have walked out if the restaurant To stop myself punching him.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 30/09/2014 12:26

My FIL used to say (jokey) things like "I'll punch you on the nose" but I said if the DC repeated things like that in school they'd get into trouble , so don't say it to them.

And telling my DS that a dog would come in and eat his dinner, when my DD was terrified of dogs.The thought of a dog just walking into the safety of a house was horrific to her.
(DS was less than bothered, if a dog had come in to eat his dinner, he'd have been quite pleased)

Some G/Parents don't see it as bullying, it's 'teasing' in their eyes and your child is a 'wimp' if they get upset Angry

Thebodyloveschocolateandwine · 30/09/2014 12:26

let it slide

Ffs you have low standards for child care. It's abuse here.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 30/09/2014 12:30

He sounds like a schoolyard bully. Your DS will have his confidence shattered by being around FIL and will (1) start to wonder if FIL speaks the truth and (2) begrudge you and Dh for not protecting him from.it.

Id refuse to allow my child anywhere near him again.

I have insisted that my DD never ever meet my Aunts other half - and this was based on his attitude towards me, DH and the baby when he found out I was expecting, never mind how he would have been to her face to face.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 30/09/2014 12:31

The OP wrote so AIBU to let the relationship slide

Maybe that's what Whoopsadazy was referring to- let the relationship slide and not have any more contact (as opposed to spell it out and see if it improves , which was the other option)

Rather than let the behaviour from FIL slide?

DoJo · 30/09/2014 12:32

He sounds awful - what possible fun could there be in winding up a small child to the point where they are upset? And telling him that he is getting things wrong when he isn't is really mean, as is calling him names.

If another child had behaved like that towards your son, you wouldn't hesitate not to arrange to see them any more, but the fact this is an adult who doesn't even realise how damaging and cruel his behaviour is suggests that things really aren't going to change.

AnyFucker · 30/09/2014 12:32

Ah, that makes better sense, 70 < phew >

Original poster
queenmools · 30/09/2014 12:32

Who has low standards for Child care? Not me I hope. My in laws are never alone with DS (DH has worked from home on both occassions they looked after him) my parents do all the baby sitting and cover two days a week when I work and they are excellent.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 30/09/2014 12:33

Not you, OP. This is getting complicated Smile

Thebodyloveschocolateandwine · 30/09/2014 12:37

Oh apologise if that was meant by let it slide dazy

Was too gobsmacked by the ops fil

Thebodyloveschocolateandwine · 30/09/2014 12:39

Yes not u op.Smile

Read the thread through like I should have. Confused

We are all agreeing your fil is a bastard.

Original poster
queenmools · 30/09/2014 12:39

Haha that's ok then we all understand each other again.

OP posts:
Kundry · 30/09/2014 12:40

I can't see the point in having it out with him. He's a bully, he's been challenged a few times.

I'd not bother making contact with them again. If they wake up and remember who you are, you can stall contact as you are too busy or say that you are still upset from his behaviour last time so you are free for 30 minutes in 12 months time for a visit without your DS.

It's easier than making a grand announcement you are going no contact which will only make them start on the emotional blackmail. This way you get to be no contact without them having noticed.

Original poster
queenmools · 30/09/2014 12:51

Yeah I kind of agree with Kundry. I can't be arsed with a whole family fall out. Especially as I have no really problem with MiL and I don't want SiL to have to choose sides as she's fairly close to her parents but also adores DS. It is going to be a bit awkward when the new baby is born next month. MiL will want to see it but I can just imagine FiL saying something really stupid to DS along the lines of no one loving him any more. Maybe DH could show them the baby for half an hour at a cafe while I have some time with DS or something.

OP posts:
BeyondRepair · 30/09/2014 13:36

I agree not to have it out with him he sounds like a prat of the highest order. You wont change him, HOWEVER I do belive in future should he say something offensive or that upsets you, do say so right there and then for your own peice of mind. you wont get anywhere you wont change him but you wil have stood up to this bully.

your poor DH

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