To limit contact with Father in law?

[queenmools]

I'll start with a bit of background. We have a 3 year old DS and another on the way. Our DS is my in laws only Grandchild (so far). They are not really child friendly people and I accept that. They have never offered any help or support and have only looked after DS twice in 3 years and that was very reluctantly because my parents weren't available. I don't mind them not wanting to help, that is their choice. They never show DS any affection. We only see them when we initiate contact and make effort to travel to them (they live 30 mins away)Mother in law is very awkward around children and doesn't know what to say or do but is harmless enough and wants to try.
My real problem is with FiL. The last couple of times we have seen them have been really stressful for me. DS is a typical three year old, likes things done in certain ways and doesn't really understand teasing yet. FiL has taken to winding him up. Not in a over excited Grandparent way, in a more nasty way I feel. For example we went for lunch and what ever DS said FiL just replied no. Until Ds was on the point of tears and DH told FiL to stop. On Ds's birthday FiL said " Look I've got a lovely big present here but it is not for you because it says moolsjunior on it and that is not you because moolsjunior is nice" Also on the same day DS was counting and FiL kept telling him he was getting the numbers wrong when he wasn't. so DS got very confused and starting shouting "that is a five, it is, it is" so FiL got angry with him for shouting. On that occassion SiL stepped in and stopped her dad.
Anyway I'll get to the point.This weekend we met up because it was FiL's birthday. DS was being mildly fussy about his food. DH and I normally ignore the fuss and he tends to get on with eating once he knows he's not getting anywhere. FiL on the other hand kept saying stuff like "Oh you don't want that, well what do you want......a clip round the ear?" and "give him a kick" sort of joking but sort of implying that we should be smacking him for not eating.
Then he told DS that he wouldn't be taking him to the park as promised and I could see DS getting wound up almost to the point of a full on melt down. So I just said not to take any notice of granddad, I would be taking him to the park. So then FiL notices that DS is getting upset (because of him) and says "what are you dim?" DS doesn't understand so asks what he said so FiL repeats " yeah you're dim, you're thick" at which point DH tells his dad that DS is not thick and that he'd rather that FiL didn't say it again as if you label a child that is what they become. So FiL came up with the old "didn't do you any harm" chestnut. Bless my DH he responded with "yes it did I'm psychologically damaged"
I've told DH I never want Ds to see FiL again as he's moved on from being a bit useless to being a bully. DH reasons that as we hardly see them anyway it doesn't matter and we could just initiate contact less. So AIBU to let the relationship slide or should we spell out our concerns to FiL to see if the situation improves.
Sorry that was a long rant. Once I got going I couldn't stop!

It's easier than making a grand announcement you are going no contact which will only make them start on the emotional blackmail. This way you get to be no contact without them having noticed

YY. no big announcements just slip away.

I note from your posts op that your husband has already said something to his dad to let him know what he thinks of the way he is speaking to your child. My partner had to speak to his father several years ago, warning him that if he didn't change his ways, our children would come to dislike him just as my partner had grown to hate his father's father. He remained a pompous arse but managed to curb his ridiculous victorian attitude around our kids.

Fast forward several years and I am now a few weeks into being no-contact with my"father-in-law". As I had often suspected he did indeed prove to be a selfish, manipulative, arrogant bullly, who has caused an absolute earthquake in both my and my wider family's lives. My advice to you is to insist that your husband speaks to your fil. He clearly has his own issues with him, and it is up to him to deal with his father's behaviour towards your son. As long as you and your husband both feel the same way about your fil's behaviour, and present a united front, you will find a way through this. If you try and tackle your fil (and in your position I'd want to tackle him with a crow bar!) you may find that your husband suddenly can't cope with you criticising his dad.

My partner, I am sure, knows that his dad's recent behaviour is totally unacceptable. However, in my opinion, he is so influenced and I would say damaged by growing up with such a man, he cannot see things for what they really are. Your husband has told his Dad that he was damaged by him, which is a start, but never underestimate the parental tie. My partner has not supported me in what has happened, but thinks we can just move on past it all - I can't.

Please don't find yourself in a similar situation. Your husband must speak to his dad. If the next time you see your fil he can't/won't change his ways, he doesn't deserve to have any of you in his life. You chose to be with your husband, not his father, and whilst we all have to make some allowances to oil the wheels of in-law relationships, you don't have to submit to the rantings of a childish bully. I really hope that your husband can talk some sense into your fil. However, that seems unlikely, but you hold all the cards, he's your son and you decide who he sees. Good luck.

There just seem to be some men who get like this with small boys. My grandfather was one, my DF finally broke off contact with him when I was about 10. As well as the jibes and 'teasing', he said his father had never, when he was a child or adult, been able to shake hands with him without squeezing his knuckles with all his strength to try and get some kind of reaction out of him. If challenged they will always say they're only having a bit of fun and the boy needs toughening up.

Agree totally with BeyondRepair just slip away without comment. At least until ds is old enough for you to arm him with a private 'sometimes you're going to hear grown ups say very silly things, that doesn't mean they're right' conversation.

Cross post with dusters - exactly that kind of a man, that sounds so familiar

My goodness Yanbu at all. What a bike and toxic man. Yes I certainly would severely limit my ds contact with him. Does your dh support that, I hope he does. When you see him being nasty, I would give him a piece of me.

My advice to you is to insist that your husband speaks to your fil. He clearly has his own issues with him, and it is up to him to deal with his father's behaviour towards your son

I agree with your post but often the men are too used to this behaviour and they think others are being OTT when kick off abot it, also they are programed not to make a fuss and put up with it.

Rumble what a prat, we have a prat FIl too who likes to flex his mucsles in other ways, like financial mussel!

Yes let the relationship go, mabey meet your MIL separately with ds but never with this man, he is abusive.

I've seen my FIL wind up my 3 yo nephew - not as bad as that, but enough to make me think what are you doing?! MIL has to step in and tell him to stop! It's cruel afaiac, they are too young to understand what's going on.

A nasty man; thank goodness your husband supports you. I would ask him to tell his father to stop behaving like this, spell out the reasons why, so no chance for 'oh, you can't take a joke' and if he does it once more, then no more contact. Mother in law will have to come separately.This is bullying.

Some very good advice here. Thank you. I'm a bit of a wimp about confronting people because I'm so useless at it and usually end up getting stroppy and coming across as the person in the wrong. I'm very aware that I need to present a united front with DH to make sure it is not seen as me being rude to his family. I need to practise saying things like "don't talk to our son like that." DH is aware that his dad is a prat who is not a very good grand father but he is used to him and doesn't see it as abusive as I do. We are both happy not to see him much but maybe we owe it to mil to let her know why. Also new baby coming soon forces our hand a little.