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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to apply for this job

34 replies

3nonblondeboys80 · 30/09/2014 09:49

Background. So we have 3 boys. 11, 9 and 2. Dh has a good job which involves a fairly lengthy commute so is outof house 12 hours per day. I am pretty much a Sahm although do do a few hours self employed but this is quite seasonal. Dh does looks after dc if I am out during the week but doesn't do any of the other stuff that goes along with it so invariably house is messier when I return. He does do garden and occassionally cooks at weekend but that is it. Ds sleeps better when I am around and I do all night wakings for all dc and never get a lie in at the weekend either as dh gets up before me during the week.
When we discussed what we would do when we had the was very much well it's up to you.
so we have found our unplanned 3rd child a strain on the finances and my workload. Dh's workload has hardly changed. Coupled with us losing child benefit.
So this weekend dh was looking at the finances and moaned wewould be short by x this month. So I started looking and found a part time nights job I could go for. It would pay a higher rate than a similar dayrtime role and I worked out I could get by by paying for childcare temporarily for youngest so I could sleep during the day. I would still do school runs and sleep whilst dc at school or childminder. I would also be back in time for dh to go to work.
His response was "well if you didn't spend so much on groceries and sold dc's outgrown clothes and toys you wouldn't need too" I was foolishly hoping for "great idea. Let me help you with the applicaion process as I haven't applied for a job since leaving school"
Tbh this really upset me. I feel like he is being negative because me potentially working would mean he would have to do more in the house.
Wibu to apply anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
3nonblondeboys80 · 30/09/2014 09:50

sorry discussed what we would do when we had dc.

OP posts:
Twitterqueen · 30/09/2014 09:53

Personally, I think you're mad even to consider it.

It sounds like you are putting a huge amount of extra strain on YOURSELF.

This should be a partnership. And as for blaming you for spending so much money on food.... hmmm

I don't understand why you are taking so much more on your shoulders and your DP seemingly might just do a bit more - reluctantly and only if you nag him

ShadowStar · 30/09/2014 09:55

I think that while applying for this job isn't unreasonable, you need to get your DH's support if he's going to be responsible for the DC overnight while you're working.

But I agree his attitude to the job sounds bad and I'd have been getting pretty wound up about it if DH had come out with a comment like that.

QuintessentiallyQS · 30/09/2014 10:00

Would it not be better to find a day time job?

If you put your children in childcare in the day so that you can sleep, and your dh looks after your children while you work after he has been out to work for 12 hours, it seems rather like a mad idea?

Original poster
3nonblondeboys80 · 30/09/2014 10:08

I know daytime would make more sense but if it was say doing a min wage type role I would or we would be paying for childcare for all the hours worked plus some travelling time. Just worries me that it would be worthwhile especially if it meant putting middle one in breakfast and or afterschool club too.
thank you for the replies.

OP posts:
Original poster
3nonblondeboys80 · 30/09/2014 10:11

In theory there should not be much looking after as they should be in bed by the time I leave. Of course this depends on settling toddler.

OP posts:
Original poster
3nonblondeboys80 · 30/09/2014 10:13

Did also look at daytime roles but they all seemed to have bizarre shift patterns which involved some early eve working which isn't practical. Also daytime would be better if we ever split up and if this attitude continues it cohld be on the cards.

OP posts:
inloominotnorti · 30/09/2014 10:37

Have you checked whether you are one of the people who can sleep during the day? If you can't and you wake up at every passing car then you are really going to regret taking that job!

Daytime might be better if you are going to pay for childcare anyway.

Whoopsadazy · 30/09/2014 10:56

I don't think you said how many nights it would be.

Working nights is hard. Physically hard and just hard in general - not haveing evenings as a family, if anything needs doing durting the day (boiler repair, delivert etc you will end up doing it).

If it's 3 nights a week then you could probably manage it. 5-6 nights a week I'd say think very carefully.

I'm usually a "why should your working life take a back seat type" but in your case, I'm looking at your husband being out of the house 12 hours a day already. is that 5 days a week? I can quite see why he would have reservations about this. If he was out of the house 8-6 that's a bit more manageable but if it's say 8-8 I think you'll both just be chasing your tails.

redskybynight · 30/09/2014 11:07

What would you do in school holidays?

I do know a mum who worked a similar sort of job with similar aged children - she reckoned it was just about doable when she only had the pre-schooler to worry about (others being at school), but she had to survive on about 3 hours sleep during the holidays.

I can see why DH doesn't think this is a great idea and it would be very hard on you both. It would be different if this was your dream job and you were desparate to do it, but I'm not getting that impression from your post. Have you actually thought about doing what (presumably) he is suggesting - trying to cut household budget and selling old stuff?

ChippingInLatteLover · 30/09/2014 11:18

I don't think you should do it, because I think it will be too hard on you.

I would tell DH he is right, it would be better if you spent less on groceries and sold some things around the house.

Then you can tell him that he's now in charge of meal planning and shopping and you will ebay some stuff. Ask him what he no longer needs or just say you will find some stuff he doesn't use much and sell that alongside any baby stuff you no longer need.

Get the weekend lay ins sorted out. There are two mornings, you get one each. End of. If he can't do this then send the kids in to wake him up as soon as they're up. He has no more need or entitlement to a sleep in than you do.

Hand over more of the 'duties' at the weekend and go out for whole days with your friends and IF the place is in a tip when you get home, ask him WHY and if he would find it acceptable for it to be like that when he gets home.

If you want to find a job, then do. But otherwise you need to find a way as a couple to cut back. How much 'disposable' cash do you each have each month/week? What say/control do you have over the finances? Is it an open book or do you get given 'housekeeping' and 'pin' money?

PrimalLass · 30/09/2014 12:10

It is not good for you doing nights on a long-term basis.

Original poster
3nonblondeboys80 · 30/09/2014 15:23

It would be 3 nights. It would only be a short term measure as a way back to work. long term sould prefer days. However, maybe I need to mzke sure he will pull his weight before I commit to more.
Think he would prefer me to do a hour term time job (if anything) which would have no impact on him. would clear maybe £3 per day doing that after childcare.
Thank you for replies.

OP posts:
MrsPiggie · 30/09/2014 15:34

Can your money issues be solved by better budgeting? If so, then your DH is not being unreasonable. He is already doing long hours and shouldn't have to cope with minding children at night as well unless there is no other way. If working nights is the only solution, then of course, as a couple you should share the extra burden involved.

canweseethebunnies · 30/09/2014 16:21

He is already doing long hours and shouldn't have to cope with minding children at night as well unless there is no other way

I don't get this at all! The op is offering to work 3 night shifts a week and still do all the childcare and no lie ins, to make extra money for the family, and you think her dh is the one who will be hard done by because he may have to wake occasionally in the night? Hmm

Original poster
3nonblondeboys80 · 30/09/2014 16:43

Tbh it isn't just about the money. I am starting to feel ready to go back to work. Not just so I will have some money of my own. At the moment everything goes through joint account and every so often we get these what are you spending my money on type comments. Not those exact words but you get the idea. I really wanted to carry on claiming child benefit but dh didn't want to complete a tax return.
Take to visit some agencies maybe.

OP posts:
Original poster
3nonblondeboys80 · 30/09/2014 16:53

also it is only minding his own children.

OP posts:
Original poster
3nonblondeboys80 · 30/09/2014 16:53

who should be asleep.

OP posts:
MrsPiggie · 30/09/2014 16:56

Op is not offering to do all the childcare. She will have a childminder during the day and her DH during the night. Of course it's going to be difficult for her, but it will make life more difficult for her DH as well, so he's got every right not to be happy about it.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 30/09/2014 17:07

It depends a bit on what your DH's job is and how he commutes. If he has to drive an hour to work then operate dangerous machinery all day then a broken nights sleep could be an issue. If he sits on a bus or train drinking coffee and listening to music on his phone before sitting behind a desk all day then I don't see why he can't cope.

Original poster
3nonblondeboys80 · 30/09/2014 17:15

I would have a childminder for 6 hours a day for youngest. will still be doing school runs and no doubt will be the one still dealing with dc when they are ill the other 4 nights of the week. So yes it will impact slightly.
Job is desk based but does have to drive. Although I have had to drive even though I have done virtually all night wakings in last 11 years. well apart from eldest when middle ds was a newborn.

OP posts:
Original poster
3nonblondeboys80 · 30/09/2014 17:17

Anyway just throwing ideas around. Even if I did apply I may not even be offerred it.

OP posts:
Iggi999 · 30/09/2014 17:18

Take it.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 30/09/2014 17:31

I don't think your DH should just dismiss the suggestion. He has to be realistic about what opportunities are out there. Has he ever done the shopping? Does he still think that a family grocery shop should cost 37.50? Maybe you could sit him down with a meal plan and get him to see how much it really costs these days.

Chippednailvarnish · 30/09/2014 17:38

Sounds like your DP has got you exactly where he wants you. Regardless of what happens about this job you need to start looking at your relationship and getting back to work asap even if your DP refuses to co-operate.