to think that OAPS have forgotten what its like to be young or have young children!!

[crazylady321]

Latest in a long line of comments off random people over the years, so this evening take kids and dogs down the park for a bit and an old couple walking their dog.
Eldest 2 are playing on the climbing net and ds2 (4) is shaking it from the bottom so other 2 are screaming and making lots of noise obviously told them all to calm it down and it was bit dangerous to be shaking it, noticed this old woman proper starring then seemed to say something discreetly to the man and he too started starring at us... I could only presume we must of sounded like a bunch of rif raf I was aware we were making a lot of noise but we were the only people in this part of the park at this point (1 pregnant adult, 4 rowdy kids and 2 crazy dogs can imagine we must of looked a right bunch)

Anyway on way out of park we came across this couple again, ds2 is kicking leaves about at his siblings in a teasing way they couldnt of cared less tbh totally ignoring him. Anyway this woman said as directly walking past us "think that little boy has anger issues". Totally taken aback I said excuse me what exactly are you getting at? She replied to say everytime she has seen him hes lashing out at something or someone! We exchanged a few words and she walked off without a care in the world her husband looked kind of embarrased just followed her with his head down. Turns out we walk past her house on the school run although I havent got a clue where and shes seen him doing other things. He is very boysterous and probilly the most mischeivous of my children but would never say aggresive in fact would probilly say its ds1 with a bit on an anger issue!

I have spent all night really wound up and had to go up in my room for a little cry so kids didnt see me, felt so horrible the children (ds2 inparticular) had to listen to her having a go. Ive told them to totally ignore people like that but its bit hard when their mum is getting so upset about it.

I kinda felt very assertive confronting her as usually I just ignore things like that but still end up beating myself up over it but least that way it doesnt draw attention which confronting her did

Now dreading the school walk as I just have this vision of her peeping through her net curtains to pick faults with something. Like I said further up were a big family and things do get a bit chaotic alot but see much worse behaved children all the time, why the hell should I be made to feel so bad over the kicking of a few leaves?

I've got three very boisterous, noisy children. Only ever had positive comments.

Ageism is not limited to older people, is it? Just look at some of the comments on this thread - patronising the op because she's perceived to be younger. Nice

Yes I have noticed that some people forget what it's like to have young children (you'd never guess my MIL raised three) but I definitely wouldn't generalise about OAPs. I have a boisterous 3yo and some of the most kind and understanding comments I've had came from "old ladies"

OP that woman was rude and clearly had issues unrelated to you - I mean, if children can't be loud or kick leaves in a park then where?

I am 47 & I think OP INBU. Grumpy old people who don't like children, Was ever thus, no? But just as many oldies are incredibly lovely & smile fondly at the energy & passion of youth. You just gotta look out for those folk, too.

I think it's less age-related than that there in, in this country, a general public culture of intolerance towards children. The default mode is 'your children are your own, private belongings, please do not let them have any impact on my life whatsoever, or you are guilty of extreme bad manners'.

I only notice it particularly when I take my toddler son elsewhere, and realise that lots of parents here seem to spend their time in a permanent state of apology for the mere presence of their small children in public spaces not specifically marked as 'for children'.

I never understood why anyone would go to a Giraffe until I had a child and became aware of the low-level intolerance of the presence of children in restaurants. If you're really lucky, you'll get tutting and looks when your child is talking and interacting with you, AND should you calm them down by letting them watch a cartoon on your phone.

OP

"...things do get a bit chaotic alot"

A bit chaotic and a lot? A bit more structure needed perhaps?

YABU to generalise like that. Maybe the particular woman in your example was out of order (can't really say as I wasn't there) but most OAPs are just as tolerant as anyone else of other people's children.

There are some intolerant OAPs around, just as there are some inconsiderate parents who allow their children to disturb and annoy everyone. And there are perfectly tolerant and reasonable OAPs and really thoughtful, considerate parents around.

It's down to individuals, not age.

Perhaps their age makes them more likely to say what they're thinking but they're thinking the same as everybody else. Control your kids and teach them how to behave and you won't be judged.

I don't think you are being U OP! I have told this story before but I took my dd age 4 to the circus and on the way home she was excited and running along a pedestrian bit. Virtually empty but for an old (late70's?) man sat on a bench. My dd ran past him - probably came within 3-4 feet. She didn't touch him or even go that near but he saw fit to "mutter" (but def loud enough - he meant me to hear) "fucking kids"!!!! I mean who does that?? She was 4 and running along not doing anyone any harm and he thought that he could swear at a woman and child. I wish to god I had tackled him over it. Miserable git.

I do think people forget. My MIL who I love and get on with really well has forgotten her own boisterous four and complains that my fairly chilled and zen ds has far too much energy!!

I think there is a tendancy for older people to judge by standards of the past not todays standards. And they tend not to recognise a lot of the things that we would be judgy about that they did (e.g. a more general acceptance of bullying).

Some of them may also have forgotten what its like to be young - but I try to remember why I did some things I did when I was 10 and have difficulty really putting myself in that situation, so I don't think that's just senior citizens!

Also, the anger thing may have been a part of generally accepted ideas about children from when they were parenting age. I have noticed that both my MIL and DM often comment on how "angry" a child seems (or even a 3 month old baby!), when I would have described the feelings as frustration, hunger or something else.

In any case, I don't think there's much point in being bothered by what strangers in a park say to you. If this "long line" of comments from people in general are all about your youngest seeming angry then there may be more to it, but otherwise just laugh it off.

So you met one unreasonable person and have decided that his entire generation are inclined to be unreasonable towards small children.

Flyaway I think you have a point.

Sorry that comment was meant for whatisaweekend

People have very different experiences. My personal experience is that older women are always lovely about my children.

One lady came up to me and complimented me on them. She added, "as a grandma, I notice these things". It really took me aback. At the time, I was flipping annoyed with DS2!

Preciousbane I was born in the 50s and it is true, we did behave when our parents were around, but we had a lot of freedom and the elderly neighbours quite often told us off for being too loud, or dangerous, or doing something they didn't like. They didn't need to tell our parents. By and large once they'd had their say we either didn't do it, or went elsewhere to do it .

OP I have been in your position. It is upsetting, but you just have to ignore it. As a lot of others have said, for every grumpy old woman there are quite a few who are supportive of parents.

When oaps had young children - my mother amongst them - we were out of the house all the time. My mum never knew where we were or who we were with. Summer holidays meant being out of the house 9-6 with maybe a quick visit home for the loo and a snack.
I think generally it's best to "smile and ignore" unless the perish is being verbally abusive
I have heard some truly vile things said of children from oaps.
But then again, some parents have no thought for others and let their kids run riot.
'Twas ever thus.

If you have had several comments then maybe you need to look at the kids behaviour.
DD is boisterous but no complaints to me as yet.

Though i do think angry is a strange word to use and unless the kids were directly bothering her she didnt need to say anything, what would you do about it anyway?

Among the most intolerant I've found, actually, are professional young suited men and women, who have no tolerance at all, because they think they are far too important.

Again, though, not all of them, because of course, that would be such a sweeping statement

Most older people are lovely (speaking as one myself) Heehee

I would agree though, OP, that if you are getting, as you say, "lots of comments" from various people, perhaps you need to address something.

Also, upthread a bit ^^ someone referred to an elderly, disgruntled chap as "an old goat". Again - is there really any need for that?? Hmm? Just because someone is feeling upset about something and might be older than you, does that make them an "old goat".

Hmmm....let's see.
I heard one man - about 65 I would say - tell the mother of a disabled child that her son should have been drowned at birth.
One woman - I would say in her 70s - came up to me and said "well, you can tell they (pointing at my dc) came from the same dad"
I mean...wtaf!?
I never hear such awful comments from younger people.

Oh! And the lovely oaps who complain about the fact there is a playhouse at the local dr surgery for the children.
Maybe I just live in an area full of old intolerant twats.

Why was he shaking the climbing net. Most people know that's wrong and most kids know they'd get a telling off for doing it.

Crazylady

I was with you (apart from the ageism) right up to your update about the buses. Sorry, but do you mean that the frail elderly, with mobility issues, were tutting at you for taking up a bunch of seats which are specifically prioritised for the disabled and those with mobility issues? Yes, it's awkward travelling on the bus, with your children. But try doing it with your mobility up the creek! There's a reason for how those seats are labelled.

OP

I suspect it is a combination of things, relating to differing expectations over the generations, rose-colored memories, and the same sense of superiority that school beginners have over babies at home and that most of us maintain toward some category or another all our lives.

...but most likely this woman was a curtain twitching noseybody all her life.

People go to the doctor's because they are ill, Badvoc.
I am not against toys in waiting rooms, but I do think parents need to encourage children to be considerate of others.
I haven't had any problems with noisy children in the doctor's waiting room, by the way.

Maybe he is louder and more aggressive than she is used to. Is that possible? Sometimes parents get so close to a situation that they don't see that their child is perhaps quite badly behaved. I have been guilty of that. Especially with DS2 who is LOUD! I am used to it so I have probably been guilty of ignoring it in the past - which is unfair on my neighbours TBH.

It is also relevant that a few decades ago children did tend to be more strictly parented general - I'm 49 and when I was a child my parents were far less tolerant of noise and general misbehaviour than I have been. Different generations have different standards.

It makes you feel horrible when someone comments negatively on your children. I sympathise - you must feel quite sore

Yes.
And Sometimes it's the parents who are ill!! And the house keeps their dc occupied.
I have never witnessed bad behaviour from kids at my gp surgery.
It's the elderly people who behave badly IMO.

And.... as I am already quite old I confirm that my tolerance of loud noise has reduced quite considerably !