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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My DM says I'm a control freak for not wanting my DS to be passed around. AIBU?

37 replies

Collie1806 · 29/09/2014 12:21

DP and I moved out of a rented home in with my DM in May so we can save to buy a place. In July, we welcomed our first beautiful baby; DS. Since the birth of DS things have been very difficult between myself and DM.
I had a very difficult labour and wanted to spend the first few weeks at home recovering peacefully. As we are living with my DM we had to respect her wishes after the birth and we couldn't say no to her inviting family over (after all it is her house), although we did make it clear we wanted to be alone. My DM expected me to pass around my beautiful newborn son to our entire family, her friends etc, within 24 hours of my discharge from hospital. While it was lovely she was excited, it created a lot of anxiety in me, and she's since taken it upon herself to invite herself into our bedroom at any time of day or night to see "her baby", tell us just how wrong we are doing things, and when we explain we feel criticised she says she is "helping" (Or most recently complains that we are neglecting him because we won't leave him in his pram, outside in the garden, alone, so he can get some "fresh air"; we do take him outside, when we are there!).

It's all been coming to a head lately as I have had to return to work, two days a week so my DM has DS one day and MIL has him the other. DM will not listen to me and has no respect for my wishes, I'm BF'ing so freezing breast milk for when I'm not there. I explained that breast milk can't be defrosted in boiling water and she does not believe me...

Anyway to get back to the point, DS hates being carried/cuddled unless he is v. tired or hungry, which is fine and DP and I respect that. DM and my family however, don't. This morning I had a shower and came back to discover DS being passed between my DM, her sister and my grandmother. Both family members are smokers and my DM knows I don't like him to be held by smokers (each to their own but I'm very conscious of health risks and the smell is awful).

I took DS back to our room and it resulted in a lot of cross words with DM, her calling me a control freak and "pathetic" for not wanting him held.

AIBU, as a competent adult to not want my child to be passed around? I really don't know how to deal with DM and her pushiness without upsetting her and falling out, I would never want to deprive DS of a relationship with his gran.

OP posts:
Nohootingchickenssleeping · 29/09/2014 12:27

Move out FGS. She is ruining your precious time with your lovely new baby. Rent somewhere cheap while you save or get a HA place, just GO.

Purpleroxy · 29/09/2014 12:36

The only solution is to move out. Things will not get better with such fundamental differences of opinion, both of which are pretty normal for your respective generations.

velocity1 · 29/09/2014 12:39

I am going to have my DD and grandchild living in our house, and I have vowed already not to interfere/help unless asked. I think your mother is out of order and if you can't get her to see your point of view, you will have to move out. It is really not fair that your time with your baby is being spoiled this way.

whois · 29/09/2014 12:42

Move out.

You're living with her and have created a totally unequal child/parent relationship. You need your own place ASAP and try to to rescue some of this precious time.

SavoyCabbage · 29/09/2014 12:44

I lived with my sister and her family when I had my dd1 but I still took dd1 upstairs with me when I had a shower or out with me when I had to go to the shops or wherever. Even though my lovely sister was right there. I would take charge of him more when you are at home. I'm not criticising you, I just mean it might draw a live psychologically.

I would seriously look to see whether it's worth living there over renting.

HeySoulSister · 29/09/2014 12:45

You must have known this is how she would be when you moved back in

You will have to use your savings to rent a place

Littlef00t · 29/09/2014 12:47

Would they listen to a HV? Esp about the smoking which sounds terrible. I'm sure a HV would happily pop round to reiterate what you've been saying re milk etc.

Feel like a plaster, but could you work out what milk you'll need for the next day and put it in the fridge the night before to defrost properly?

Keep reiterating your views and expectations, but in huge long run you're going to have to find somewhere else to live. I don't want to think about mil feeding baby rice soon on her days or something!

RonaldMcDonald · 29/09/2014 12:47

Some people believe in holding babies all day some don't
Some people think it is cruel not to hold and cuddle babies all day if you can
Some don't

If you cannot accurately express your wishes in a way that your mother can take on board then you must decide whether they are worth your moving out or not

Littlef00t · 29/09/2014 12:47

Sorry dm not mil

combust22 · 29/09/2014 12:49

Move out and rent somewhere.

SaucyJack · 29/09/2014 12:51

Move out and then you can be the oldest parent in the house.

MidniteScribbler · 29/09/2014 12:52

Moving out seems like the easiest solution to me.

Original poster
Collie1806 · 29/09/2014 12:52

I would love it if DS was the type of baby who wants affection constantly don't get my wrong, but he's not and I'm not going to force it; and I expect my family to respect our wishes too.

Think we are going to look into moving out ASAP, I just don't want to upset DM because she really is the type of person who would be hugely offended if we were to move out because we can't tolerate it. It's been so long since I've lived at home I forgot just how hard she is to live with. I love her but she is hard work.

OP posts:
doobledootch · 29/09/2014 12:54

Yep agree with the others you're going to have to move out.

ILovedYouYesterday · 29/09/2014 12:57

Sorry, but I think you are going to have to do everything you can to move out as soon as possible and find alternative childcare.

There are bound to be tensions and irritations in a multi generational living arrangement but your mum is being awful and I doubt you will be able to get her to see reason.

Yanbu about the holding. Of course releatives want to cuddle babies. Babies are adorable. But they are also little people in their own right. Can be very hard finding a balance on this one though. My DS1 wasn't a big cuddler, from just a few months old he was very active and liked to be on the floor with his toys or, if he wanted to sleep, he liked to be in his cot where he could stretch out and get comfy, but, if the in-laws were visiting, the tiniest squeak and he'd be in mils arms whether he liked it or not! Fortunately they lived far enough away for me to be able to grit my teeth and think it's only a few days - it would have been impossible if we'd lived with them. Sil had a baby soon after us and I can remember being at their house and the baby not being put down, at all, for days on end - ok, some babies like it and little niece didn't seem to mind but my DS would have hated it.

Chippednailvarnish · 29/09/2014 13:00

Your DM probably still sees you as a child given that she's housing you and looking after your child for you. As much as she sounds unreasonable, you are allowing this to happen by accepting her help when it suits you...

PumpkinBones · 29/09/2014 13:01

I came to the thread prepared to say not necessarily YABU but maybe a little bit pfb ish (with ds1 if he got passed around too much or was away from me too long I would get really agitated and stressed, and I was so cross when my mil handed him to a 3 year old to hold! With DS2 it was not so profound!) but in your circs absolutely Yanbu!! Move out, it will be better for your relationship with your dm in the long run.

WittgensteinsBunny · 29/09/2014 13:02

As someone who had their pregnancy ruined by living with pils and faced having a new born there (narrowly avoided by 3 days!!) I second those saying, move out! It caused me so much stress that dealing with a new born seemed a doddle. Bear in mind that house prices have risen sharply in some areas and it may be in your best interests to just get on the ladder with what you've got. I have a friend who lived with pils for over a year only to have been faced with a more expensive housing market, less choice and effectively a reduced deposit because prices have risen 20% - 30% here. I think you should deal with the "now" and move, even if that means renting. Sadly, your mum does not respect you and you desperately need some space and privacy. These sorts of things can cause deep family rifts (I'm still dealing with mine 16 months on) and I just don't think it's worth it. Good luck Thanks

Castlemilk · 29/09/2014 13:03

MOVE OUT.

That's all there is to say.

ASAP.

Original poster
Collie1806 · 29/09/2014 13:08

Thanks everyone im glad it's not just me. My family all think I'm crazy for not wanting him passed around etc.

wittgensteins I agree, having a newborn has been a dream compared to dealing with other people. DS has brought me nothing but joy

OP posts:
SanityClause · 29/09/2014 13:14

If your DM is providing free childcare, and cheap accommodation, there's not much you can say about it if she doesn't do what you ask.

You need to decide whether the saving in money is worth the cost in lost peace of mind and that's a decision only you and DP can make.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 29/09/2014 13:17

Screw your family, your his mother, you know him best. If he doesnt like to be manhandled then your family shouldnt be passing him around like a joint.

Move out ASAP.

naty1 · 29/09/2014 13:20

There can be a lot of pressure to hand them over. I was the same re smoking
As DM smoked when pg with me and during my life and now i have asthma.
But when we saw smoker SIL i was encouraged to hand her over by MIL due to us not being sure when she would see baby again. She did remove jumper and wash hands.

Original poster
Collie1806 · 29/09/2014 13:32

Most recent developments; seemingly DM has been on the phone to rest of family and they all think I'm "odd", and I can't know if he doesn't want to be picked up or not because he can't tell me. Really? Families are such hard work...

OP posts:
RonaldMcDonald · 29/09/2014 14:13

on the other hand....

some of the things that I did with my pfb now make me wonder what I was thinking and how others might have rationally observed me
some of the rules were far far far far from necessary

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