My DM says I'm a control freak for not wanting my DS to be passed around. AIBU?

[Collie1806]

DP and I moved out of a rented home in with my DM in May so we can save to buy a place. In July, we welcomed our first beautiful baby; DS. Since the birth of DS things have been very difficult between myself and DM.
I had a very difficult labour and wanted to spend the first few weeks at home recovering peacefully. As we are living with my DM we had to respect her wishes after the birth and we couldn't say no to her inviting family over (after all it is her house), although we did make it clear we wanted to be alone. My DM expected me to pass around my beautiful newborn son to our entire family, her friends etc, within 24 hours of my discharge from hospital. While it was lovely she was excited, it created a lot of anxiety in me, and she's since taken it upon herself to invite herself into our bedroom at any time of day or night to see "her baby", tell us just how wrong we are doing things, and when we explain we feel criticised she says she is "helping" (Or most recently complains that we are neglecting him because we won't leave him in his pram, outside in the garden, alone, so he can get some "fresh air"; we do take him outside, when we are there!).

It's all been coming to a head lately as I have had to return to work, two days a week so my DM has DS one day and MIL has him the other. DM will not listen to me and has no respect for my wishes, I'm BF'ing so freezing breast milk for when I'm not there. I explained that breast milk can't be defrosted in boiling water and she does not believe me...

Anyway to get back to the point, DS hates being carried/cuddled unless he is v. tired or hungry, which is fine and DP and I respect that. DM and my family however, don't. This morning I had a shower and came back to discover DS being passed between my DM, her sister and my grandmother. Both family members are smokers and my DM knows I don't like him to be held by smokers (each to their own but I'm very conscious of health risks and the smell is awful).

I took DS back to our room and it resulted in a lot of cross words with DM, her calling me a control freak and "pathetic" for not wanting him held.

AIBU, as a competent adult to not want my child to be passed around? I really don't know how to deal with DM and her pushiness without upsetting her and falling out, I would never want to deprive DS of a relationship with his gran.

ronaldmcdonald I do wonder if it is me. I just want him to be happy and healthy and I sometimes question if I take things over the top, but it's all very overwhelming being here so it's difficult to see it from an outsiders perspective iyswim?

OP, I was a complete control freak when I had my first ds. I was terrified of doing things which would harm my precious baby and if I felt something was threatening him I would have walked through fire to stop it. It might be unreasonable, but it was how I was, and if anyone tried to tell me otherwise it would have made me feel terrible.

Even if YABU, then you are entitled to. This isn't the 1960s. We don't just park our babies at the bottom of the garden now. We do things differently (and have MN to help us).

My mum also had incredible preconceptions about how I was going to bring up her Grandson and even though it didn't involve her taking him off me to pass him around, it did generate a lot of conflict and spoilt those early days for me.

She is probably very very excited about her new Grandson, all the more because you are living with her. She has been building up to this for ages in her mind. You don't mention your father - is she on her own?

Even if you don't move out, it's time to sit down with her and have a long talk. You don't want to hurt her or exclude her, but you don't want to spoil these first few months for yourself as a mum. Your mother clearly has her ideas of what she wants to do, but she needs to talk to you and to listen to you because you and your dh will be deciding what happens to your baby. That's your job now, and you will be taking it seriously. It would be lovely if she can be there to support you and share in it, but she has had her turn at being a mum. Now it's time to let you do that, in your own way.

longtallsally2 my father died 5 years ago, although they were separated I think she very much feels under pressure to make up for the lack of a second grandparent on my side of the family.

We had a chat about it a few weeks ago and she just will not accept that she's doing anything wrong, I appreciate ive maybe been overprotective but she thinks she's completely in the right and there's just no talking to her.

Something has to give, think DP and I will be sitting down to discuss moving tonight when he finishes work.

Your baby, your rules at its most basic. That trumps Her House, Her Rules.

Ok therés compromise when you live in someone else's house but the balance has gone far too far in her direction. If she just will not accept that she needs to compromise - no, to respect your wishes outright - that's not ok.

Move out. It doesn't matter what the rest of the family say. Your new nuclear family is you, the baby and your partner. They > her and in fact, everyone else. Specially over health / safety issues.

I had so many rules about picking up my pfb (I thought it would bruise her, unsettle her, I dunno... jesus)
rules about sleep, v strict
feeding
complete silence
temperature
I even told my poor mum how to cross the road with her.......

It is hard to establish yourself as a mother. There is so much conflicting 'evidence' of how to do things 'properly'
It is harder to do so when you are also perhaps on some level being considered to be a child ...or maybe not and you are being chippy?

try to be kind to yourself and be kind to your mum. Explain why you think the things you think. Show her why you think it or where you get your ideas from
Ask her for patience and respect even if she thinks it is bollocks
it might be that you are horribly embarrassed later
it'll be worse if you both butt heads and then you leave and there is lots of resentment. I believe that you can find a middle ground

Pay for your childcare if you don't think she will respect your wishes.

Collie, you have every right to be overprotective of your new little baby, that's your job as a Mum. Don't let people bully you into doing things their way. It's so hard. Must be even harder living under your Mum's roof. You really must move out and trust your own instincts on what's best for your baby. Good luck.

Babies can make it very clear about whether they like to be cuddled or not.

One of my DGC always liked to be cuddled to sleep, another would only sleep if put down and left to it.

They know their own minds from a very early age.

OP - move out!

Yep, DD is the type of baby who'd rather be doing her own little thing on the floor. But we do pick her up for cuddles to try and give her relaxing time to wind down, but she just squirms until we put her down. The only time she wants to be held is nap time. :)

I think you are being PFB. You'll laugh at yourself one day. There have been some hilarious threads about it.

Time and having another child are the only known cures for PFBitis. speaks from own experience

Your DM is being a tit by not allowing you to learn how to be a mother in your own way.

You'll fall out big time with DM if you stick around. It doesn't matter who is more wrong. You have to move out.

Move out to save the relationship.

Who is right or wrong with regard to whether your baby should be held or be passed around etc is irrelevant. You are the parent and what you say goes. You need to move out so that your mother understands that you have grown up and don't need her constant advice.

I adore my parents, they are utterly fab. I can be completely open and honest with them BUT I would possibly murder them if I had to live with them and my kids.