Help - have I behaved terribly or not?

[dollfin]

I am having a horrible time (again) with my partner and I need some sensible advice.

I went to the UK part of a wedding on Friday night (overseas part was in Italy) with my partner, his son and my son. When I arrived there I had no issue whatsoever but my partners family kept asking if I was ok, probably around 20 or 30 times. In the end I asked what they were talking about and it emerged that 2 of my partners exes were going to be at the party. One lady who he has an 18 daughter with and I get on with well and one girl who he was with for 8 years but has no children with. Now if i'm completely honest, I have no problem with the ex who he has kids with, thats his family and she has a special place in his life. I am always friendly with her and we get on fine. The other girl I have a bit of a problem with. The family seem to favour her over everyone in some way, she was invited to the hen do and I wasn't. She is always with my DPs sister as they are still very good friends and I know that she was devastated when she and my DP split up. They split up over 5 years ago now and she hasn't had a boyfriend since. I think she still has feelings for him but I don't know for sure.

Anyway, I tried to put all this aside at the party and have a nice time. It was made very hard because when I wandered up to my partner having a chat with someone, he was also talking about his other ex, DS's Mum. It was all getting a bit much and to be honest, normally I'm so secure and self confident but I was starting to feel unimportant and horrible.

I know that his sister is not very keen on me and when I was having a dance she started asking whether I was ok that my son was with someone he didn't know upstairs (he was with a babysitter i use regularly, he is 3 and she arrived to look after him at 9pm because he was tired and had a full day at school). I told her he wasn't with someone he didn't know, he was with a regular babysitter and he was fine). But this pissed me off a bit. Then she started on with the 'was I ok?' again and at this point I just told her what I thought. I said that I was confused at why Emma hasn't really moved on, I felt a bit sorry for my DP that she was invited to all family gatherings and that our relationship hasn't really had the space to grow and be accepted by his family. She then responded my saying the girl is a family member and I basically should just get over it because shes always going to be around.

She then asked me to go outside with her and used the whole thing as an opportunity to rake up an incident that had happened a long time ago when she had looked after my DS (6months old at the time) and she had taken him out in an unsafe car, past his bedtime and not called me to let me know. At the time I was angry about this and we fell out but I had since thought it was all forgotten about. She brought this up again and made wild accusations about the evening, accusing me of all sorts of things that hand on my heart, I didn't do or say. I got more and more upset outside, kept telling her that I wasn't going to agree with her as those things didn't happen and then my DP came over. He heard the things she was saying and he took her side. We went back to the room and he called me the worst names ever, I'm not even writing them they make me feel so horrible. Everytime I tried to explain to him what had happened he screamed at me and he told me to go home first thing in the morning so I didn't see anyone. I've since had the silent treatment since then and it shows no sign of stopping. I sent him a long email yesterday and he replied saying 'if you contact me again I will be forced to take matters out of your hands'.

I feel completely bewildered and hugely upset. I probably could have dealt with the whole ex thing better but I feel pushed out and like an outcast in his family. The fact i wasn't invited to the hen do and me and my son were not invited to the wedding in Italy was really difficult to deal with. I had had enough of people asking me if I was ok and I didn't have a go at the sister, I just explained how I felt. I feel pretty sure if she was in my situation she would feel the same. She then used that to dredge up something from the past that I have tried so hard to put right, she has made no effort at all.

My DP and I are in the middle of buying a house together, we were meant to be going to Blackpool with my family later this week and I feel dreadful. I haven't eaten anything for 3 days and he will not speak to me. I feel like his sister totally set out to do this and I feel like she is having a really good laugh at me behind my back. She has also posted a picture on facebook captioned 'my favourite photo of the night' and it is her with all of his exes dancing on the dancefloor. I feel in my heart of hearts like she is purposefully trying to be a bitch and make me miserable. I don't know what to do. Help.

A rare unanimous YANBU should hopefully give you some comfort and strength OP.

OP I think you've had the writing on the wall. He has been clear that he doesn't want contact with you, in a cold and brutal fashion. Even if he comes around I don't see your relationship lasting, he sounds as though he dislikes you tbh. From the sounds of it he and his family sound awful, I don't think you should have people in your life that make you feel this way. Judging from his past relationships he has an 18 year old son with one ex, another son from who?, another ex and now a son with you. He doesn't sound like the "forever after" kind of guy, more of a serial monogamist really. I'm very sorry for your pain, I also think you need to start thinking about your plan of action for you and your son immediately.

I'm curious if his behaviour has been a total shock to you? Is this really out of the blue or has this been building I wonder?

OK - so you have not exchanged contracts either on the sale of your house or the purchase of the new house?

Really sorry all this has happened, dollfin, but you now need to invoke your survival skills. Look after you, yourself and DS. Keep your own house, that is your security and your base. If you follow your dream of a perfect life with this man, you will end up with nothing.

So sorry, but he is abusive, and not on your side - therefore you can never ever depend on him.

Call your solicitor in the morning and pull out of all sales and purchases. I wonder if your solicitor will call your Estate Agent for you?

Don't be waiting for a magic wand to wave itself over night.

Even if he were to do big U turn and issue a massive apology, there is a LOT of work to be done on trust, communication, respect, family dynamics before you could contemplate continuing with him.

Look after yourself - call on a friend who will actually make you an emotional priority. Go home to Blackpool and let your family take care of you.

And then when I is possible, breathe a sigh of relief that you did not put all your eggs in this mans dodgy basket!

I think it is really hard for you to admit that you are putting in the majority of the money, that's why you are avoiding answering the question.

I can't imagine how hard it is for you. All your hopes and dreams are falling down around you. Please don't let your heart rule your head. He is relaxing now as he thinks he's got you where he wants you. He's showing you the true him. It will only get worse. He's actually done you a big favour. You still have a chance to get out. Don't waste that chance. It's painful now. It will be even more painful when you are tied up more, or there are more children on the scene.

It isn't about the money ladies. He is putting in more of the deposit money than me but we will be paying equal share of the mortgage. It really isn't abput the money, he is very well off, I do well for myself but he is very successful.

Okay, just caught up and realized I'd missed a lot of updates. Please OP, stay strong! You can see we are all rooting for you to walk away from this man. You haven't replied to questions about the financial investment in the house, I know it's your private information but everyone here is worried that you are the primary investor rather than a 50-50 investment. Regardless, it would be a financial nightmare to untangle yourself from that, please, please don't move forward with it. Take the smaller hit now for fees etc... and focus on yourself and your son. I'm sorry, it's clear how devastated you are.

Dollfin, I'm relieved to hear that you aren't also running a big financial risk.

Best of luck addressing the emotional risks, and coming to the best decision for you and your son. If you do decide enough is enough, then of course it does hurt in the short term, but it never hurts forever, as I'm sure you know.

dollfin, I've just been reading your earlier thread . If I read it corresctly, at the end of August, you still owned your house. Now, a month later, you mention that your house sold within a week. Have contracts been exchanged? Can you back out of the sale and move back to your own space?

Yes I can. It all happened so fast, I wasn't expecting it to but we havent exchanged yet.

Don't buy a house with him, very bad plan!

Then go back and read your other thread and all the advice you had then.

He is horrible. It seems from just reading what you've posted, that your relationship is only ok when you're out and about having 'fun'.

He doesn't seem to do well with life's little realities.

He's basically taken it out of your hands and finished with you. So tge re is no other option but to pull out.

Rightleftandcentre, I said "What I mean is, would he be better off if you lived with him?"

OP - have you actually exchanged on your house? I know it's seen as a pretty shitty thing to do at a late stage, but if it saves you from either being homeless or in an abusive relationship, just do it and stay put!

I read some of your other thread, his behaviour is disrespectful and nasty towards you, it does not sound like he likes you let alone loves you op. Your best if without him, and you will feel a whole lit better about yourself and your self worth and confidence.

This is the thing though, it always sounds like he has finished with me but he never has, its like he wants to torture me but actually can't leave me alone in the end. If he says he never wants to speak to me again, he doesn't mean it, he just says it hurt me. and I let him.

God I need to stop talking about this and do something about it.

'Scutty bitch'?

Jesus, I would not want to even breathe the same air as someone who even had that phrase in their vocabulary. Let alone brought it to mind when trying to upset the person they're supposed to love.

He is a pig, OP, an apple not fallen far from the tree of his equally piggish, ill-mannered, dysfunctional family.

And you sound so nice!!

I really, really exhort you to pull out of the house sale, get shot of this nasty little piece of work and start taking you and your wee boy's life in a completely different direction. Honestly, in a month or two you will be astonished that you didn't do it sooner, and absolutely on your knees with thanks that you're not tied to him financially.

always?

How many times has he done this stuff to you?

How many more goes does he get?

Thank you Castlemilk, thats exactly how I felt when he said it. You sound very nice too :)

I am getting stronger, I am sitting watching Eastenders with a glass of wine and not even thinking about him in any kind of longing fashion. I will be ok.

Please dollfin, please, please, please - cancel the sale of your house. Move back to it ASAP, you don't even have to tell this dreadful man that it's over, you can just claim to need some thinking space - and frankly, I think that is what you need. Space away from him, where your real, suppressed, confident self can re-emerge.

You said some things in your previous thread that I think are important. You said that "I was determined that I was going to put my whole heart and soul into this relationship and do my utmost to make it work. It went very wrong with sons father. He doesn't see my DS and hasn't since he was 6 months old. I wanted to do something right, to make a proper go of things." That is a very revealing statement . You've been hurt once and don't want to be hurt again - very understandable. Maybe you even feel that in some way it reflects badly on you if this relationship doesn't work, that in some way it makes you a 'bad' person to have two unsuccessful relationships. IT ABSOLUTELY DOES NOT. Even if you 'do your utmost', you cannot make this relationship work if the other person is sabotaging it in the way that he is. You have done your utmost. You have, frankly, put up with a shedload of shit. It's still not working, and IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

You also said "Its probably more the dream that I'm obssessing over but either way, I will be heartbroken and thats a hard choice to make." Now to me, that is a flicker of awareness. There is the dream, and there is the reality. They are very, very far apart .

This is the thing though, it always sounds like he has finished with me but he never has, its like he wants to torture me but actually can't leave me alone in the end. If he says he never wants to speak to me again, he doesn't mean it, he just says it hurt me. and I let him.

Yes. He's a nasty abusive person, you see. A bit like his sister, by the sound of it. Sounds like that's how they've been brought up, that's what they know, and that's who they are.

Last kind of family you'd want providing an example to your child. Last kind of stepfather you'd want in your home, isn't it?

You let him because you're bowled over by it. This isn't you and the way you operate - you're clearly honest, and nice. So your instinct is to believe what someone says - as it's what you expect of yourself. He's horrible - you believe him. He apologises - you believe him. It blows over and he's lovely to you at Alton Towers - you take it at face value, you don't just see an abusive arse's little power games, because you don't operate like that. So you, as a NORMAL person, just don't have the tools to see his behaviour for what it is and deal with it.

Moving this thread to Relationships might help.

Oh and yes he'll be back. Can't leave you alone - why yes, he WANTS a partner, he WANTS a joint home and all the trimmings - he just has no interest in love, respect, honesty, fun. He wants a punchbag. He wants sex of an evening. He wants someone to make his dinner. Someone to bitch about other people with. Someone to tidy up after him. Someone to go home to and breathe beer fumes over after a night with the boys.

Grim grim grim.

Stay strong and say goodbye to him.

Oh. Oh, no. No, you MUST back out of the sale of your house, move back in and have nothing further to do with him after. If he treats you like this now, think how it will be once you have "nowhere else to go" when you live together. Also, if "family" is so all-fired important to him over all else, how do you think he would treat your DS going forward? No, no, no.

Op, IMO you are lucky this happened! Use it like the wake up call it is and get out.
Everyone you feel weak remember, "scutty bitch".
His family sound awful and he sounds worse. Tell him to fuck of, delete and block. And use his own "ideas" back on him. Advise him to stop calling you or you will take it further.

Just read through the thread and I wanted to say that, in answer to your title, no you have absolutely not behaved in any way terribly. I agree with everyone here. he has behaved like a total jerk and you deserve so much better than this.

I am glad you are pulling out of the house sale. Look after yourself and run away from this toxic family as fast as you bloody can

Then break this cycle, value yourself and think about your ds. Us this the role model you want for him, he sees his mum bring abused by his stepfather, he may or nay not rake that to his relationships when he is older. If not yourself, do it fir your ds!