Help - have I behaved terribly or not?

[dollfin]

I am having a horrible time (again) with my partner and I need some sensible advice.

I went to the UK part of a wedding on Friday night (overseas part was in Italy) with my partner, his son and my son. When I arrived there I had no issue whatsoever but my partners family kept asking if I was ok, probably around 20 or 30 times. In the end I asked what they were talking about and it emerged that 2 of my partners exes were going to be at the party. One lady who he has an 18 daughter with and I get on with well and one girl who he was with for 8 years but has no children with. Now if i'm completely honest, I have no problem with the ex who he has kids with, thats his family and she has a special place in his life. I am always friendly with her and we get on fine. The other girl I have a bit of a problem with. The family seem to favour her over everyone in some way, she was invited to the hen do and I wasn't. She is always with my DPs sister as they are still very good friends and I know that she was devastated when she and my DP split up. They split up over 5 years ago now and she hasn't had a boyfriend since. I think she still has feelings for him but I don't know for sure.

Anyway, I tried to put all this aside at the party and have a nice time. It was made very hard because when I wandered up to my partner having a chat with someone, he was also talking about his other ex, DS's Mum. It was all getting a bit much and to be honest, normally I'm so secure and self confident but I was starting to feel unimportant and horrible.

I know that his sister is not very keen on me and when I was having a dance she started asking whether I was ok that my son was with someone he didn't know upstairs (he was with a babysitter i use regularly, he is 3 and she arrived to look after him at 9pm because he was tired and had a full day at school). I told her he wasn't with someone he didn't know, he was with a regular babysitter and he was fine). But this pissed me off a bit. Then she started on with the 'was I ok?' again and at this point I just told her what I thought. I said that I was confused at why Emma hasn't really moved on, I felt a bit sorry for my DP that she was invited to all family gatherings and that our relationship hasn't really had the space to grow and be accepted by his family. She then responded my saying the girl is a family member and I basically should just get over it because shes always going to be around.

She then asked me to go outside with her and used the whole thing as an opportunity to rake up an incident that had happened a long time ago when she had looked after my DS (6months old at the time) and she had taken him out in an unsafe car, past his bedtime and not called me to let me know. At the time I was angry about this and we fell out but I had since thought it was all forgotten about. She brought this up again and made wild accusations about the evening, accusing me of all sorts of things that hand on my heart, I didn't do or say. I got more and more upset outside, kept telling her that I wasn't going to agree with her as those things didn't happen and then my DP came over. He heard the things she was saying and he took her side. We went back to the room and he called me the worst names ever, I'm not even writing them they make me feel so horrible. Everytime I tried to explain to him what had happened he screamed at me and he told me to go home first thing in the morning so I didn't see anyone. I've since had the silent treatment since then and it shows no sign of stopping. I sent him a long email yesterday and he replied saying 'if you contact me again I will be forced to take matters out of your hands'.

I feel completely bewildered and hugely upset. I probably could have dealt with the whole ex thing better but I feel pushed out and like an outcast in his family. The fact i wasn't invited to the hen do and me and my son were not invited to the wedding in Italy was really difficult to deal with. I had had enough of people asking me if I was ok and I didn't have a go at the sister, I just explained how I felt. I feel pretty sure if she was in my situation she would feel the same. She then used that to dredge up something from the past that I have tried so hard to put right, she has made no effort at all.

My DP and I are in the middle of buying a house together, we were meant to be going to Blackpool with my family later this week and I feel dreadful. I haven't eaten anything for 3 days and he will not speak to me. I feel like his sister totally set out to do this and I feel like she is having a really good laugh at me behind my back. She has also posted a picture on facebook captioned 'my favourite photo of the night' and it is her with all of his exes dancing on the dancefloor. I feel in my heart of hearts like she is purposefully trying to be a bitch and make me miserable. I don't know what to do. Help.

wow - he really is going all out with twisting your head! What a piece of shit!

op I think your doing an amazing job not apologising, I really do. He wants to come back but he is going to try make you suffer and beg for him first. Emotional abuse is wretched. It can make you believe night is day and black is white if you are told.

Dig deep op for you and your ds. This isn't right. You don't want this man messing with your ds head. Also DV doesn't have a type.

Also I would be suspicious if I wasn't allowed to go to a function and when he got back he really started to push for deeper commitment? Guilty for something perhaps ?

Don't contact him. Don't reply to that email.
Don't apologise for what he has 'accused' you of.
None of it is your fault!!
He is an abuser, pure and simple. The more you write the more we can all see it, including you I hope!

Your silence will drive him insane!!! See how he likes it.
Losing control will be something he can't live with. You'll be getting texts and emails and phone calls and social media contact.
Ignore it all.

You'll feel so liberated!
Keep strong and keep going.
Cry whenevery you feel like it.

Dollfin So sorry, this is not the man you and your DS need.

Can you get to the GP tomorrow to get something to help with the anxiety? It will be a lot easier to deal with what you have to do if you aren't worrying about the physical symptoms that go with anxiety.

Good luck and stay strong.

he hopes that I can come to my senses means he hopes you get back in your fucking box, stay there put up with all his shit not that you see that he is a nasty vile little abusive man.

You would be crazy to consider staying with this bloke when he turns on the charm again and 'forgives you' for your perceived mistakes.

Dollfin - can I make a suggestion? Switch your mobile off and, if you have a landline, turn the ringer off on the phone and turn the volume down on any answer machine so you can't hear any messages being left. I suspect that he will be really riled if you don't respond to his nasty email (ask yourself what did he hope to achieve by that?) and will call you, saying things along the lines of how he can't believe you haven't got back to him and apologised for your appalling behaviour yet and how he is incensed that you think you can behave like this, yadda, yadda. Don't let him kick you when you are down. Lock the door, change the alarm code and ignore him.

Hang in there x

Get out now. He sounds like a manipulative, emotionally abusive bastard.

What an arsehole writing that email. File it in a folder and take a look whenever you feel your resolve weakening. Tell yourself it will get easier and a year from now you'll be wondering how you fell into that cycle. And keep posting on MN :)

Doll what are you going to do regarding him. Read back your posts and read every list, not one of 14 pages agrees he is a good man

Apart from anything else, what exactly is he expecting you to do re: the house sale given that this is all happening at a crucial moment of that? Is he assuming you're going ahead or not going ahead??

For goodness sake, OP, set your emails so that any message from him goes straight into a separate folder (preferably, as someone suggested, marked something like "arsehole"). If you have to communicate with him, keep it completely businesslike and ignore whatever rubbish he has come up with. Make it very clear to him that you are going to get on with your life and he will never have any place in it, ever again.

Wow - that email he sent, serious passive aggressive gaslighting shit. As others have said, DON"T weaken and fall for it. I get the sense you guys don't live together right? That's a blessing at least.

Dollfin, he's such a douchenozzle writing those letters, but in a way, he's giving you a gift. He's showing you who he REALLY is - not the glib charmer who reeled you in, but the person you can expect to see for the rest of the time (hopefully short) that you spend with him.

Sounds like you're doing really well. Nothing wrong with a good sob. We've all been there. Someone mentioned the textbook phrase "who else will put up with you?" Be prepared for that. You're lucky you've been warned to expect it. I let that exact phrase eat me up for years after my bastard ex spewed that at me during one of our breakup rows - whenever relationships ended I would wonder whether the bastard arse hole was actually right?! Course he effing wasn't. He'll throw all kinds of utter crap at you when he realises you've had enough and it's up to you to ignore every single word of it. Ignore. Ignore. Ignore.

You just have to believe you (and your son) deserve better than this. Don't settle for misery because you feel like it's all you deserve. Don't convince yourself you're not miserable, that you're happy with this 'man' and the odd row is healthy. This isn't the odd row. It's absolutely disgusting. Nobody here thinks this is normal/fine. Nobody.

It's so hard when you feel like your world is falling apart - especially when you've been so close to that dream home - but you can have new dreams and a man who treats you properly. You'll shudder at the thought of this blip in your life when you look back in your 80s :thanks:

Oops! -

Dollfin, it truly saddens me to read your threads- that this man can have you doubting yourself like this. YANBU! You did not behave terribly at all. Why does he call you names? Dh and I have had some amazing rows in all our years together - but not once has he called me abusive names like scutty bitch (wtf? I've never even heard that before!) Not once. Because he's not an abusive twat.

You've not even bought the house yet - and he's treating you like this. Believe me, it would get a whole lot worse if you bought the house, or god forbid, got pregnant.

Don't contact him or speak to him. Resist the 'nice guy' act that will follow this as surely as night follows day. Remember, for every great day at the spa, or alton towers- there will be a time where he calls you a scutty bitch, allows his family to treat you like rubbish and blames you for it.

Truly hoping you stay strong

dollfin, there's a book that I have often seen recommended on here for women who are coming to terms with the fact that they are in an abusive relationship (and he is abusive - abuse comes in many forms, hitting someone is just one of many ways to abuse them) - "Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft. I haven't read more than can be accessed via Amazon's 'Look Inside' facility, but I have seen it praised many times by those escaping abusive partners, calling it a wake-up call and clarifying what was going on in their lives. It's possible you might find it helpful.
(((hugs)))

I'm sure you haven't been in an abusive relationship for four years, Dollfin. I'm sure most of the time it was wonderful. A friend of mine was with her partner five years before the abuse started and then it took her another six years and a serious psychosomatic illness to get free. Just like your anxiety flaring up.

It seems like all the women in emotionally abusive relationships are on anti-depressants. I know it is hard, but be glad, be very glad, that this is ending now.

I'm not surprised you are feeling confused and conflicted. He is obviously REALLY good at this shit. He has got two women at least running around for scraps and he wants you competing with them as well.

Next family wedding, make sure he doesn't have three exGFs there all vying for his abuse. Make sure there is one exGF happily living her life away from him and his shitty, shitty behaviour.

He is making you ill. He is making you behave in a way you dislike. Time to dust yourself off and flick the Vs as you leave.

Don't let his last email make you second guess OP. As every poster here has said, he is an abusive arsehole and is trying to manipulate. It's so hard not to get pulled back in when you've invested time and energy and when they do a sudden 'nice guy' routine or make you feel like you were to blame. But better to pull out now then invest more and more and come out hurting and with no confidence because he's ruined it. This man may only be abusing you now, your son is too young to 'talk back' but over time he will show his true colours as a bad father who will switch his attentions and continue with emotional abuse. Or he will teach your son to be the same as him.

You're a strong woman,no one expects you to jump into action if you did you would be second guessing yourself for reacting so fast. Think things through, write a list, call a friend if you can. Ignore his emails, texts whatever. Change your locks asap, contact the solicitors tomorrow but tonight shove all his shit into bin liners and have a cuddle with your son and then glass of wine.

Apparently I have lost my mind and am crazy and he hopes that I can come to my senses

That is a classic emotionally abusive trick. Make the other person feel like they're unhinged, emotionally unstable, not of sound mind, can't trust their own judgement. Because it means when you leave him (when not if please!) he can say to his friends, 'well she was crazy' rather than, 'she left me because I treated her like shit'. It's a way to undermine you to his friends and family to make you submissive to him as 'he knows what's best for you'.

I was so glad to read your post saying your are in control of house paperwork and finances OP. Do try and speak to the solicitors asap though, even though it is probably the last thing you feel like doing. From reading your latest posts I think you will "come to your senses" but not in the way that horrid man expects! Be brave and be kind to yourself. You can do it. I hope you feel better soon.

Your post title 'have I behaved terribly or not?' speaks volumes. You should KNOW you have acted completely reasonably. The fact that you are in doubt shows clearly the damage he has caused you.

You keep trying to rationalise everything he and his warped family chuck at you. He is highly emotionally abusive and subtle enough for you to question yourself rather than him.

The sooner you realise he and his family are akin to a toxic cancer slowly destroying your integrity, judgement and confidence the better.

OP, his last email says it all. He posts funny posts on facebook and then blames you for forgetting his dad's anniversary.

You and your son deserve much more. You especially deserve a man who always supports you.
I could never be with a man who shouted abuse at me. Believe me, I have done some really stupid things during my 20 years with dh. He never shouted abuse at me. We respect each other.

and for you. I would also treat it as a blessing in disguise that it happened now, not after exchange.

Hi op, I am so sorry what you are going through and unfortunately I don't have any helpful advise.
I just wanted to say that I think you are an amazingly strong women, you know what you need to do, and I'm sure you will when you find the courage. Everything will get better, your heart will heal and you will meet someone even more amazing. Who will treat you in the RIGHT way.

You sound like an amazing mum, it's very hard to carry on like normal for the sake of your children when your hurting so much BUT it is also a blessing because it gives you something to focus on.

Do you have much real life support?

We are all thinkin of you OP. You can and will get through this. Xx

PS I know it's easier to leave someone who is physically violent. The invisible emotional abuse is much harder to see it for what it is.