Help - have I behaved terribly or not?

[dollfin]

I am having a horrible time (again) with my partner and I need some sensible advice.

I went to the UK part of a wedding on Friday night (overseas part was in Italy) with my partner, his son and my son. When I arrived there I had no issue whatsoever but my partners family kept asking if I was ok, probably around 20 or 30 times. In the end I asked what they were talking about and it emerged that 2 of my partners exes were going to be at the party. One lady who he has an 18 daughter with and I get on with well and one girl who he was with for 8 years but has no children with. Now if i'm completely honest, I have no problem with the ex who he has kids with, thats his family and she has a special place in his life. I am always friendly with her and we get on fine. The other girl I have a bit of a problem with. The family seem to favour her over everyone in some way, she was invited to the hen do and I wasn't. She is always with my DPs sister as they are still very good friends and I know that she was devastated when she and my DP split up. They split up over 5 years ago now and she hasn't had a boyfriend since. I think she still has feelings for him but I don't know for sure.

Anyway, I tried to put all this aside at the party and have a nice time. It was made very hard because when I wandered up to my partner having a chat with someone, he was also talking about his other ex, DS's Mum. It was all getting a bit much and to be honest, normally I'm so secure and self confident but I was starting to feel unimportant and horrible.

I know that his sister is not very keen on me and when I was having a dance she started asking whether I was ok that my son was with someone he didn't know upstairs (he was with a babysitter i use regularly, he is 3 and she arrived to look after him at 9pm because he was tired and had a full day at school). I told her he wasn't with someone he didn't know, he was with a regular babysitter and he was fine). But this pissed me off a bit. Then she started on with the 'was I ok?' again and at this point I just told her what I thought. I said that I was confused at why Emma hasn't really moved on, I felt a bit sorry for my DP that she was invited to all family gatherings and that our relationship hasn't really had the space to grow and be accepted by his family. She then responded my saying the girl is a family member and I basically should just get over it because shes always going to be around.

She then asked me to go outside with her and used the whole thing as an opportunity to rake up an incident that had happened a long time ago when she had looked after my DS (6months old at the time) and she had taken him out in an unsafe car, past his bedtime and not called me to let me know. At the time I was angry about this and we fell out but I had since thought it was all forgotten about. She brought this up again and made wild accusations about the evening, accusing me of all sorts of things that hand on my heart, I didn't do or say. I got more and more upset outside, kept telling her that I wasn't going to agree with her as those things didn't happen and then my DP came over. He heard the things she was saying and he took her side. We went back to the room and he called me the worst names ever, I'm not even writing them they make me feel so horrible. Everytime I tried to explain to him what had happened he screamed at me and he told me to go home first thing in the morning so I didn't see anyone. I've since had the silent treatment since then and it shows no sign of stopping. I sent him a long email yesterday and he replied saying 'if you contact me again I will be forced to take matters out of your hands'.

I feel completely bewildered and hugely upset. I probably could have dealt with the whole ex thing better but I feel pushed out and like an outcast in his family. The fact i wasn't invited to the hen do and me and my son were not invited to the wedding in Italy was really difficult to deal with. I had had enough of people asking me if I was ok and I didn't have a go at the sister, I just explained how I felt. I feel pretty sure if she was in my situation she would feel the same. She then used that to dredge up something from the past that I have tried so hard to put right, she has made no effort at all.

My DP and I are in the middle of buying a house together, we were meant to be going to Blackpool with my family later this week and I feel dreadful. I haven't eaten anything for 3 days and he will not speak to me. I feel like his sister totally set out to do this and I feel like she is having a really good laugh at me behind my back. She has also posted a picture on facebook captioned 'my favourite photo of the night' and it is her with all of his exes dancing on the dancefloor. I feel in my heart of hearts like she is purposefully trying to be a bitch and make me miserable. I don't know what to do. Help.

Sorry to hear that Dollfin, your life and plans have just been turned upside down. It's going to feel lousy and really hurt.

Once the upset subsides, you might start to feel angry at how poorly he's treating you and start to believe that you deserve better and it's fortunate that you're finding all this out now. We can't just flick a switch and become strong but I hope you can see him for what he is and muster some confidence that you're the one walking away from him and his toxic family. You're not a victim here because you're not going to allow yourself to be one. Have a cry if you haven't already, get the emotion out so you can start to move on, don't hold back, sometimes you need to hit rock bottom to come back up again and rise from the ashes...

As others have said, do not respond but now use it to find the strength to phone that solicitor and cancel the house sale. Use it every time you are wavering and thinking of the good times.

Take care of yourself (hugs)

Why would he even bother to go to the effort of sending such an unpleasant email? What kind of pig is he? (both rhetorical questions)

Hang in there dollfin

Oh OP. Do you have anyone in RL who you could spend time with now?

It's awful reading that you are sitting there being affected by what is basically a lot of foul brain-rubbish coming from such a worthless person.

It would be good if you could get out of the house maybe, spend some time as YOURSELF, unaffected by him, with friends - normal people.

Right now, you're 'in it'. Still seeing yourself as somehow defined by what this nonsense of a person decides to say. Soon, that won't be the case, and you'll remember this morning and literally shake your head in disbelief that you did anything but wrinkle your nose in disgust at having to read his vile drivel.

But that's not today, and this is the hardest time.

This doesn't reflect on you at all, you know. It's all about him, how he thinks, the kind of language he thinks is ok. Disgusting, because HE is disgusting.

You are seeing this more and more clearly now and it's hard to take. But you have done NOTHING but misplace your trust, and efforts, in someone unworthy.

Get up, close down the email and his silly rants, and go out. Do something nice - even if just a walk. Really, this can't touch you - it says nothing about you - just shows with every word what a horrible loser of a person he is. And that is very useful to know!

Okay:
Don't respond
If possible set up your email so all his divert to a specific folder "Twatty emails" or "Letters from dogsbreath"
Don't read them
Block him from your mobile
Pull out of the sale/purchase

Please try and think of this as a lucky escape.

He expects you to do as you have done in the past. He expects that you'll just carry on as you were, maybe even apologising to him?

Don't respond, cancel the house sales and if he contacts you by phone refuse to engage other than to say. You've gone too far this time. Don't get into lengthy emotional discussions. He won't tell you the truth, only what he thinks you want to hear or what he wants to tell you. There is no point putting yourself through further pain.

Dollfin, you sound incredibly nice, sane and rational, and in your defence agains Ron, very strong and clear! You can do this! Even though it might feel almost impossible now.

I once had a relationship which had all the signs of being like this, luckily I was young, independent and childless, he wasn't that smart and I wasn't in love with him. Even so, I was astonished at how I was sucked in to what at first seemed a very romantic situation, only to be so thankful when it ended later. It felt so surreal in a way, hearing all these things about me ('eh? I'm really hateful and awful and selfish etc etc? what ARE you on about?') from someone who'd been all over me so recently. It actually was very damaging and if I had been head over heels with him I would have been CRUSHED. He also had the close female (an old friend) who was allowed to be hateful to me. The moral of the story is I am SO GLAD to have escaped, I have never looked back except to feel sorry for him as a very damaged person (er… and a knob jockey, let's be clear).

It is so hard to dismantle your dreams and walk away from someone who you clearly love… but you can do it if you want to and you WILL get over him. You only have one life, don't make the story of your thirties be one of emotional abuse and control. Make it one where you like me can say in ten years time 'I once went out with a controlling knob jockey - and then I had the strength to leave him behind me for the sake of my son and myself'.

Plus

Dollfin this is confirming to you what you need to do. Don't feel terrible, feel mad at him, angry he has treated you like this, today no more. This has gone to the point of no return, this relationship is unsalvagable. Do not communicate with him. Go straight to your solicitors now and pull out.

No contact, just you and ds against the world now. It's good that this has happened before you moved in with him, you have seen his true colours, and it ain't going to get any better. You may feel at the bottom now and low, the only way is up. Redirect your e mails and delete and block his number and e mails. Live yourself, value yourself and never ever drop your standards.

Yes he does expect that I will apologise, beg and grovel at his feet. There is a part of me that almost wants to but a bigger part of me that doesn't. I have done that for 4 horrible years, every time I have dared to do something that isn't in line with what he thinks is right.

You're right that I feel that I'm 'in it'. That's totally right. I have moments where I see things with real clarity but I feel like the life is being sucked out of me. This sounds awful and i really don't mean it like this because I love my life and i love my little boy but I sometimes don't want to wake up tomorrow, I want to take a break from the distress. It just hurts, so much. I've cried so many tears that my bloody lash extensions (that were a bit of an experiment as I'd never had anything like that before, haha!) are all clumped together and I look like a girl thats got bad falsies on :)

I just had a lie on the floor and sob moment, I feel like breaking my heart, I want my Mum but I'm ok. I will be ok and I am seeing this more clearly.

I appreciate your support so much. I really really do.

"Insanity is repeating the same mistakes and expecting different results"

You keep allowing him back into your head and expecting him to change his behaviour each time. He won't, he doesn't need to, he gets everything he wants.

He has you running back to him like a lap dog once he determines your punishment is over. He has the financial independence to please himself, he doesn't need your money to provide him with any security which is how many men keep their women in line. So you really have nothing to prevent his emotional abuse bar removing yourself from it.

Which of course you don't seem to have the ability to do.

If you don't feel you can return the solicitors calls at the moment, could you email them?

You lie on the floor and sob all you like! Get it out! Whatever helps you. I really feel for you, 'true love' breaking up is the most hideous thing, but you've got to do it. And you WILL survive.

Before anyone comments that this is not 'true love', obviously it is not, but right now the OP feels like it is, not least because he is expertly controlling her, and so it has got to be pretty brutal for her.

Oh sweetie, I feel for you, I really do. Again, after I left my awful XH, I met someone and finally realised - it's not supposed to be hard, full of high drama, angst, highs & lows -that's a miserable existence.

He's a liar, he's even lying TO you ABOUT you. And the sick fuck will know what he's doing, but he's such a coward, the fact that he needs you to be the bad/mad/unstable one, even though it's a lie, does not stop him.

Is there anyone you can't talk toon RL? My worry is that he gets to you before you have had a chance to clear your head out.

Dollfin - keep posting here how you are feeling if you have no one in RL you can talk to at the moment. Let MN help you process what is going on and take the virtual hands being offered.

Walk away from this relationship. I promise you will be FINE.

Four horrible years.

Don't let it become 24 years, and have your son be the kind of person who says:

'Nah, I don't really see my mum much. She's pretty much ground down by my stepdad to be honest - he's fucking horrible, always has been, he's been around since I was a baby and it's always been a case of if she steps out of line he makes her life a misery - I don't know how on earth she ever got together with him as she's a nice person, she really is - but I honestly can't take spending much time with them or at their place - it's bloody awful to be honest. Can't see me ever taking my kids there, I won't subject them to that kind of shit.'

Insane, isn't it, that you KNOW he sat there and wrote all that horrible, horrible stuff as part of a kind of game. How he sees relationships and how he likes them to work. Like one big teenage drama where making you cry and beg makes him feel good and secure at some level.

The only thing to really understand is that this is him, this is how his mind works, and walk away from it before it ruins your life.

You can do it. You ARE doing it, that's why you are currently so low. You're fighting a horrid fight which has to start right in your heart, and that's what you're feeling now. But you know what, you are in a better place than you were when you were at Alton Towers and happy last week. Because you've seen the truth and you're starting your fight out and back to being YOU and HAPPY.

Hang on in there!!!

Oh lovely I have just read your whole thread.
Whilst it might seem like the world is ending and all your plans and dreams are coming unravelled, please do not buy a house with this man. The reality will be so so much worse.
Life can be very hard sometimes but you have a little boy that you love and things WILL get better.

Bloody hell Castle your post just made me well up!!

God just do it for your son if you can't for yourself OP.

Never ever apologise for this imbiciles disgusting behaviour. You need to make the right decisions for your little boy and you. You have a choice he does not. Why on earth would you apologise to someone who is being utterly vile and abusive! That is what abusers like him do, they knock you down, knock your self esteem and confidence. Well Dollfin, not anymore! This is the start of a new life with you and your little boy! Do you want a lifetime of misery with this idiot, because that's what it is going to be. He will have more opportunity to abuse you and treat you like dirt, this time there will be no sanctuarary to run to.

Have you telephoned the solicitor. I suggest you do right away!

Dollfin – its ok to feel like this, its sh1t and you don’t deserve it. Who the hell takes time out of their day to write nasty stuff like that.

But just remember it’s all about him not you. As you say you know it’s his way of getting you to tow the line and it’s easy to fall in to your role and things will be ok. But only for a while then he’ll do this again as he has done before.

Give yourself until a set time, let’s say another half an hour, cry lie on the floor some more, generally allow yourself to feel as rubbish as you want. Then want it gets to 3pm get up, say to yourself that the last hour is the last time you’ll allow him to make you feel like that.
Wipe your eyes, wash your face and put on some loud music and i mean loud, something up beat and sing along to it. How about a bit of Katy Perry – Roar is a good one.

You won’t want to at first, but sing and dance around the living room until you’re no longer faking it, then call the solicitor and let them know you are cancelling the sale and purchase, big deep breaths and just do it. Tell them you won’t be in touch with the other party so they are free to let them know.

Make today the first day you never feel that deep bit of your stomach fear that he’s going to dump you, as you dumped him.

Have you spoken to Womens' Aid? They will have a good understanding of the dynamics of abusive behaviour

Ultimately, how you proceed is up to you and walking away is not easy, but if it's what you really want to do deep down, you'll find a way

I've read all this with horror, it is awful for you OP. I urge you to send the solicitors an email to say you are pulling out as soon as you ca, preferably today. Please make sure your deposit money is somewhere safe too.

Please call the solicitors asap. Ensure you are not tangled with this man. Inform them the relationship has broken down and you are no longer going to be making a joint purchase with him.

If you have not yet exchanged on yours you can still pull out.

There are buyers and sellers waiting on both sides. Try and deal with the practical now. It will help you a little if you can.

It will be the start of your breaking away. There is no going back. I hope you are sure of this. Make it happen.

Dollfin, please use that email as the catalyst for that first steps to resolve this, walk away and get on with the rest of your life without someone who thinks it's all right to make you feel the way you do now. The first step is to contact the solicitor and stop the house sale and purchase; the second is to change the locks, bag your partner's stuff up and put it on the doorstep and tell him to come and collect it and then get out of your life altogether. After that, I suggest you change your email address and phone number.