Help - have I behaved terribly or not?

[dollfin]

I am having a horrible time (again) with my partner and I need some sensible advice.

I went to the UK part of a wedding on Friday night (overseas part was in Italy) with my partner, his son and my son. When I arrived there I had no issue whatsoever but my partners family kept asking if I was ok, probably around 20 or 30 times. In the end I asked what they were talking about and it emerged that 2 of my partners exes were going to be at the party. One lady who he has an 18 daughter with and I get on with well and one girl who he was with for 8 years but has no children with. Now if i'm completely honest, I have no problem with the ex who he has kids with, thats his family and she has a special place in his life. I am always friendly with her and we get on fine. The other girl I have a bit of a problem with. The family seem to favour her over everyone in some way, she was invited to the hen do and I wasn't. She is always with my DPs sister as they are still very good friends and I know that she was devastated when she and my DP split up. They split up over 5 years ago now and she hasn't had a boyfriend since. I think she still has feelings for him but I don't know for sure.

Anyway, I tried to put all this aside at the party and have a nice time. It was made very hard because when I wandered up to my partner having a chat with someone, he was also talking about his other ex, DS's Mum. It was all getting a bit much and to be honest, normally I'm so secure and self confident but I was starting to feel unimportant and horrible.

I know that his sister is not very keen on me and when I was having a dance she started asking whether I was ok that my son was with someone he didn't know upstairs (he was with a babysitter i use regularly, he is 3 and she arrived to look after him at 9pm because he was tired and had a full day at school). I told her he wasn't with someone he didn't know, he was with a regular babysitter and he was fine). But this pissed me off a bit. Then she started on with the 'was I ok?' again and at this point I just told her what I thought. I said that I was confused at why Emma hasn't really moved on, I felt a bit sorry for my DP that she was invited to all family gatherings and that our relationship hasn't really had the space to grow and be accepted by his family. She then responded my saying the girl is a family member and I basically should just get over it because shes always going to be around.

She then asked me to go outside with her and used the whole thing as an opportunity to rake up an incident that had happened a long time ago when she had looked after my DS (6months old at the time) and she had taken him out in an unsafe car, past his bedtime and not called me to let me know. At the time I was angry about this and we fell out but I had since thought it was all forgotten about. She brought this up again and made wild accusations about the evening, accusing me of all sorts of things that hand on my heart, I didn't do or say. I got more and more upset outside, kept telling her that I wasn't going to agree with her as those things didn't happen and then my DP came over. He heard the things she was saying and he took her side. We went back to the room and he called me the worst names ever, I'm not even writing them they make me feel so horrible. Everytime I tried to explain to him what had happened he screamed at me and he told me to go home first thing in the morning so I didn't see anyone. I've since had the silent treatment since then and it shows no sign of stopping. I sent him a long email yesterday and he replied saying 'if you contact me again I will be forced to take matters out of your hands'.

I feel completely bewildered and hugely upset. I probably could have dealt with the whole ex thing better but I feel pushed out and like an outcast in his family. The fact i wasn't invited to the hen do and me and my son were not invited to the wedding in Italy was really difficult to deal with. I had had enough of people asking me if I was ok and I didn't have a go at the sister, I just explained how I felt. I feel pretty sure if she was in my situation she would feel the same. She then used that to dredge up something from the past that I have tried so hard to put right, she has made no effort at all.

My DP and I are in the middle of buying a house together, we were meant to be going to Blackpool with my family later this week and I feel dreadful. I haven't eaten anything for 3 days and he will not speak to me. I feel like his sister totally set out to do this and I feel like she is having a really good laugh at me behind my back. She has also posted a picture on facebook captioned 'my favourite photo of the night' and it is her with all of his exes dancing on the dancefloor. I feel in my heart of hearts like she is purposefully trying to be a bitch and make me miserable. I don't know what to do. Help.

Sorry dolfin, I'm not sure what came over me to be so harsh. It just seems you don't have permanent ties by a child, you would loose some money, but that doesn't obligate you to try and work things out. It all depends on what you really want in the end.

Hi OP, I think this man is a liar, a control freak, and s coward.
The reason his family keep asking are you OK is because he'd akready said something to them about the harem of ex's. But did not grant your the courtesy of forewarning you, so you could prepare yourself.

The reson he sent you home, shouted at you, was to batter you down, make you behave the way he wanted you to behave. He did not want you to talk to anyone or his house of cards would come tumbling down. He can't have you on good terms with his family, or they'll find out you are actually lovely, and he's been lieing to them.

The reason he is stonewalling you now is so that you do what he wants, never question him, stay in the shadows, away from the spotlight.

I had a husband like this. After we divorced I finally figured out what he'd been doing.

Please don't buy this house with him. Take control and kick him to the curb. But be prepared, he won't be expecting it and will probably turn on the charm, be devastated or promise you the world.

OP, this is your time to take control. I have read both your threads. I think you had an ideal in your head of what you needed this relationship to be, and once you can clear your mind you will realise that you haven't failed. It is hard to believe right now, but you will feel so much better when you begin to take action. He is not worthy of your love, and I have a feeling that your friends and family will be relieved when they find out that you have ended this relationship. I think you're going to find that they don't like him very much...
Cancel the house purchase. A state of limbo won't help you. Find somewhere for you and your Ds, or cancel the sale of your house if it isn't too late. Move on without him, he is detrimental to the lives of you and your son. You are going to grieve for what you hoped would be,but finishing with him is not the cause of that grief as it would never have been a reality. He is not the right person and staying with him is not going to be the happy ending.

**forgot to add, that I agree with PP. He will turn on the charm,but that is to take back control from you. He will not like you taking charge, and he isn't going to want to believe that you don't want him back. He has a string of exes for a reason. He is an arse. His family only bolster his self importance. Let them get on with it.

Yes you have to get in touch with your solicitors, to instruct them to pull out. You owe this individual nothing. Keep this thread and print it out, and read it. If ever you find your resolve weakening, read it and digest it. He is gas lighting you, making you think it's all in your head and it's your fault, your op title speaks volumes about how he has made you feel. You have nit behaved terribly, he has and is an utter bastard. Good luck op and I hope you make tge right decision for you and ds.

But be prepared, he will probably turn on the charm, be devastated or promise you the world.

It could be any or all of these approaches. Harden yourself. He doesn't want to upset the status quo or lose you. He's got you where he wants you. He will be genuinely emotional and sorry but don't be taken in by him. He's shown you already, who he really is. Any changes won't be permanent. Use your head not your heart.

You will so want to believe him, but you can't. Sorry. Good luck

OP, just to add, with urgency, yes you need to get in touch with the purchase solicitors this morning and let them know that you do NOT wish to proceed.

If he's in a position to sign for both of you and gets wind that you are actually going to take yourself out of this situation, he'll do his best to trap you in it.

No you cannot loose your resolve op, you have to harden yourself to him, and think about how horrid he has treated you. This is not a one off, but a regular occurance, he has a form for this you said. Break this cycle of abuse. you have loads of support on here, we don't know you, but I think we care more for you than this horrid individual. We do want the best for you and your lovely ds.

Yes you have to be in touch with your purchase solicitors and the solicitors who are involved in selling your house right away, no time for thinking. See this as the start of a new postitive beginning. You have an abuser, not a loving respectful partner.

Dolfinn please be assured I am not snearing or judging. My apologies for using the third person. Dealing with DV is part of my job and in my professional opinion I stand by my post.
I truly empathise with your situation and wish you nothing but the best. This man and his sister are abusers perhaps it's all they know.

Ron99
You earlier post was very harsh for someone that is claiming yo be a professional . Sometimes it's not what you say but how you say it. I don't think you would speak like that in person to victims of DV. I least I hope not.

Cross post! OP, I for one think you sound perfectly normal and sensible, as I've said.

Normal people do not behave like someone in a TV drama.

They do not generally, for example, when they've had a shock like this (or even perhaps a realisation which they knew deep down but have only now faced up to) immediately SPRING into action and start marching around going 'Oh my God! How could he do this! Right, I'm calling the solicitor! Changing my number! Blah blah...'

No, they tend to sit. Keep repeating the same things - I simply don't believe this. Going over good stuff. Trying to make sense. Yes, making excuses. Processing it.

Just as you have done. Not necessarily linear thinking.

Not dashing about sorting this yesterday does NOT mean that you are a weak trapped woman who's immediately going to be bamboozled and sign all the papers as soon as he returns with a bunch of flowers, sobbing his heart out (which he will do).

Most people on here can see that. Their continued appeals aren't because they think you're just going to roll over and continue this 'relationship'. It's simply support, and yes, to keep you going because many will have bene there and know how hard it is to see the wood for the trees. But no, they don't think you're a stupid woman who still thinks this guy is good and honest and worth being with.

You have this and your last thread. You can see what he is, what he's SHOWN himself to be. FGS, you even started this thread with 'I am having a horrible time (again) with my partner...'

You know that if you don't end this, that will be your life - horrible times (again) with your partner - you have said it yourself.

You need support, but you don't need poking and shaming, even if it comes from an honest urge to protect and help.

Good luck today. All i'd say is, steel yourself for the false promises, hearts and flowers, threats of suicide and leaving his job. It'll soon enough turn to foul insults and probably phonecalls from his family, and I gues that stage might actually be easier!

Lots of support on here for every stage!

I feel for you dollfin, and I think it's partly because you posted on AIBU that you've had some of these replies, the relationships board seems better. Agree with what others have said though, you and your DS deserve better.

I often find myself agreeing with your posts castlemilk, and this is no exception. I'd forgotten how quickly it snaps from 'can't live without you' and suicide threats, to what a bitch you are and that nobody else would put up with you...
It is worth wading through it though. Looking back gives a whole new perspective.

Have a OP. Things like this can really knock you for six. Once you get over the initial shock of what has happened then you need to come to terms with it and decide how you are going to deal with it. Have you eaten and got some sleep?

I agree with everything Castlemilk has said, especially "No, they tend to sit. Keep repeating the same things - I simply don't believe this. Going over good stuff. Trying to make sense. Yes, making excuses. Processing it."

I would expect you to be doing just this. You'd mentioned that at the start of your relationship things were very very good, and I'm sure they were, because you were on maternity leave and probably able to devote time to him so that he felt the centre of your world. That is what he really wants - to be the only person that matters and everyone else serving his needs, wants and whims. His behavior since then positively screams of trying to 'break' you, he's got you walking on eggshells trying not to provoke his ire. It's a very confusing place to be . He is a selfish, selfish man who cannot, absolutely cannot, have a relationship as equals. He requires a subservient domestic appliance, and he will reward this with smiles; until he realises that he has indeed broken you and then finds the charms of another unbroken woman appealing . Maybe he even likes the challenge of breaking another one in .Isn't that what he's done in the past, with that poor ex still broken and unable to move on? What a sop to his overinflated ego!

The more I think about him, I imagine an overindulged favourite son - you've mentioned he is good looking and relatively wealthy, and I imagine an attractive young boy being spoiled and spoiled and spoiled until he is completely divorced from reality and turns into the entitled selfish narcissist that he is now.

You deserve so much better.

When thinking back to the good times, please try to remember that they are over , and they are over not because you failed (because you didn't) but because he is incapable. This is not your fault, and it is also not your responsibility. You are responsible only for yourself and your son. This man can go hang.

It's hard to stay strong when someone has a hold over you like that. However you can do it - if you really want to...

No, I'm not doing very well today. He has sent me a huge email saying some of the most horrible things and full of things that are untrue. Just reading them is making me feel utterly terrible, I can't put it into words.

I have never felt this low in my entire life. I am really really struggling.

Remember this is a reflection on him, not you. Focus on that. The email hopefully will strengthen your resolve.

Sending you strength. You will come out of this. The pain won't last forever, you've just got to get to that point first.

Do not respond. You need time to think of what's appropriate, but for now, DO NOT RESPOND TO HIS EMAIL.

Also, DO NOT DELETE IT.

You don't have to engage or respond to any of that. I would not. He wants you to feel bad.

Just try to disentangle yourself from him as quickly as possible. and go no contact.

Oh dolfin how awful
There simply isn't the need for him to be vicious with you. If he wants to end it, he could do that in a nice way. You wouldn't treat anyine like this would you?

I think you need to concentrate on stopping all the house stuff, then you can sit and process this properly

I think you've had a lucky escape, although it won't feel like it for a while

I would print it out and set fire to the bloody thing. This man is an ABUSER. You are being ABUSED. It doesn't matter that he hasn't raised his hand to you, he is smashing apart your head from the inside with his words and actions. He is a disgusting human being and I wish you could break free if him before he gets into your son's head too as he gets older.