To wish I could fit in and be "normal"

[pinkprawn91]

and I put normal in speech marks because I have no idea what it even is or means. I also realise I'm probably going to come across as quite selfish here but I have had a bad day and feel down.

I have ASD and I hate it. It just upsets me that I'm 23 years old and have always struggled so much in social situations and probably always will. I always blurt out the wrong thing or talk about inappropriate things without realising it. I struggle with how to act in social situations. Because of this I have never really had friends and right now don't have any and I'm just so lonely. I worry that because of my ASD I will never have friends and will struggle forever to fit in.

I also struggle with relationships because of my social difficulties and because of my sensory issues - sex and other intimate contact is just too much for me to handle and I find it just so hard. When I see couples happy together it just makes me sad because I know I'm very unlikely to ever have that. So then I get worried again about always being lonely.

Then there's the nasty comments I get. I was bullied all throughout school and had a lot of nasty comments and people making fun of me in general throughout my childhood and teenage years. You would think people would grow out of this, but no even as an adult people still make fun of me and make nasty comments (both to my face and behind my back) about my quirks. I've been bullied out of several jobs.

I also hate things like too much noise and bright lights so things like nightclubs and parties are out of the question. As that's the kind of thing people my age seem to be into though that just makes it even harder.

I just want to fit in so much but don't know how or even know if I ever will. I just feel so lost and scared and find things too much a lot of the time.

I'm being very silly I know.

Have you looked into adult ASD support groups? Quite a few areas have them now. It might be a good way to make friends. Or start with an online support group - I have a son with ASD and have made loads of real life friends via online support groups - including people who live nearby

I don't think you are being silly sweetheart, not at all.

You're not being silly at all. You're going through a really difficult thing. I'm sure there are people your age whose interests are more similar to yours - I've always hated noise and bright lights.

Have you tried MeetUp? There are groups on there for all sorts of interests and hobbies. Or perhaps even try looking for a social group specifically for people with ASD to ease you into more successful social interactions?

www.autism.org.uk/our-services/residential-community-and-social-support/social-support/social-groups/social-groups-in-england.aspx

I really feel for you as I have a family member with ASD and it must be really hard. Look for an autism trust or support group in your area and perhaps contact the National Autistic Society because they are good at helping people who feel socially isolated. Also look into hobbies and groups that are not noisy or involving party like environments. Things like walking/ sport or book clubs or needle work. There are young people out there who enjoy that sort of thing.

The people who bullied you out of jobs seem awful and they were actually breaking the disability discrimination act. Is there any way you can report them?

There's an ASD support thread on here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs_chat/1987301-Support-thread-for-women-who-suspect-or-know-they-have-ASD-traits-or-are-on-the-spectrum?msgid=49772228

Also look at AVEN: www.asexuality.org - you might not be asexual but I found these forums so extremely comforting and a total relief when I found them when I was younger. A lot of posters there are on the spectrum.

I haven't been diagnosed but suspect I am either ASD or ADD, possibly both, I know very well that feeling of always being on the edge, of making a choice between two options which you assume were totally equal and finding out you've picked the "wrong" one or the "weird" one. Not once but for every single decision ever in your life. Having to defend yourself about these decisions.

You are so young - I'm only 26 myself so not much older than you but I'm suddenly realising how much time I have. The nightclub thing dies down and it's perfectly possible that you will meet people you get on with via other means, social groups, etc. The world of school is unforgiving to those who don't "fit in" but this is so not the case with adult friendships.

Are you working/studying right now?

You're not being silly. Your thoughts, feelings, and upset are a reasonable and rational response to the society in which you live.

You aren't being silly.

I'd second trying to find some friends who are also on the spectrum for several reasons. They will have an understanding of your sensory issues for a start. They'll probably be a whole lot less judgemental than some so called 'normal' people.

Both my children are on the spectrum.

You don't need to fit in. You just need to find some decent human beings who accept you as you are.

You are NOT being silly. Not at all. I don't have a diagnosis but I strongly suspect I have ASD too. I don't want to pursue a diagnosis right now as I don't think I could cope with the process.

I used to think all those things too. Everything you've just written. I don't have many friends who live locally but I have wonderful online friendships that are enough for me most days. They've progressed to actual meet-ups occasionally and it's lovely, because they 'know' me, so any quirks are forgiven.

I'm married and my husband understands my quirks. I am quite photosensitive and loud background noises, or sudden loud noises, cause me actual pain. I am hypersensitive to touch and again, soft touches actually feel painful. It's an issue occasionally during sex, but not one that is hard to get around because my husband gets it.

Twenty three is so young. None of what you want is out of your reach, but you may not be able to have it right now because it all takes time. Starting online would be good, if you can find a community with an interest you share.

Well, I have adhd, which isn't really too comparable, but it does come with awkward faux pas. I don't have a lot of friends, but the ones I do have are quality friends.

You don't need clubs and alcohol to have fun. I met DH in a book store when I was younger than you.

I hang out with my friends at nerdy things like magic the gathering nights or conventions and sometimes just hanging in diners eating pancakes at night.

Hang out where you like to be and you'll find people with similar interests. You wouldn't get along with the party crowd anyway, their lifestyle and interests would be too different to relate.

Look around the area and find a group that does what you like. That way, even if you fail at the social side, you're still doing an enjoyable activity and it's not a wasted day. :)

You're not being silly. At all.

It will get easier.

What do you do work-wise (broadly not specifically)?

Counter-intuitively, getting experience of dealing with the public can really help, if that's not something you've already done. Maybe volunteering in a charity shop where you've checked that the lighting isn't too hideous? (I don't know if fluorescence is one of your bugbears.) Dozens of tiny interactions do help build soft skills.

confusedldn I honestly have no idea how to report them but I'm not sure if I would anyway. It sounds like it would be too much hassle than what it's worth.

BertieBotts I have wondered if I might be assexual before as I don't really have any interest in sex and never really have. I quite like the idea of being in a relationship and have had a few in the past but they never worked out because I hated the physical contact side. It also just got too much for me.

I do have a job but it's only part time and I think the manager is trying to get rid of me. Everyone there dislikes me (though that's pretty much the same as any job) and there's only one person there I get on with. People bitch about me behind my back at work both to my manager and other people.

I think an ASD support group might be good but then I think that nobody there will like me and it's just me that's unlikeable .

I work in a customer facing role and it can be very hectic and unpredictable at times and I struggle with that but nobody ever seems to want to help me. Just bitch about me behind my back.

I also get comments about my lack of friends and people take the piss out of me for that. Even a few relatives do it.

Funnily enough I suspect that the one close friend I did have was on the spectrum too.

Maybe customer-facing for your main job is just too much?

Everyone there dislikes me (though that's pretty much the same as any job) and there's only one person there I get on with.

Not all jobs will be like that. Some environments will be very aspie-friendly and indeed be heaving with aspies . Think about highly technical environments or the maths depts of universities. They are extreme examples and might not suit you, but perhaps you could work your way towards a work environment which has its share of geeks and enthusiasts (I say that as a proudly geeky enthusiast), and then you wouldn't feel so conspicuous and would probably find more people that you feel in tune with.

Have you got any hobbies or interests you could build on (even things you haven't acted on yet)?

Funnily enough I suspect that the one close friend I did have was on the spectrum too.

Maybe you will click with in the spectrum most. Nothing wrong with that. Or maybe not. You just need to find your tribe.

Gosh, I so could write your post a few years ago. Though I haven't got ASD, I am very much a loner who struggles in social situations. I have got my DP though as well, but had he not been my best friend through my teens, I would likely not be in a relationship that was good for me.

There really is nothing wrong with not being like your peers. I haven't been bullied at work so much but I work alone and with children, which was a deliberate career move for me because I don't like being around other adults for extended periods. I have health issues which can make me extremely muddled speech-wise sometimes, I forget names and words and end up sounding like a fool, which is embarrassing. I also struggle with being around people, it takes a lot of effort for me.

I moved down south and decided to start socialising again three years ago (almost to the day, actually! We moved on the 25th of September!). Meetup.com was great, I found a few sports partners through a women's sports group and that helped me with socialising, I also started going to my local Mumsnet meetups. I still go to the meet ups and have met some lovely ladies, it's well worth going. There was one other "young" person there, younger than me, I think that everybody else at first was older, mid-30's plus, but they were all so lovely, even though I didn't have kids. I'm sure that you must have meets near you, MNers aren't vipers IRL ;)

People are cunts and are cunts often. I have family who make me feel crap too, though I can't really say much there as it's only recently I've been able to stop listening to them so much, and that's because there is over 100 miles between us. Is there anything you can change about your situation?

I have asd and had a real breakthrough some years ago when I learnt small talk for work. I hate small talk: can't see the point and find it tedious but I was getting called abrupt and aloof so I watched people doing it and literally copied their phrases, opening sentences etc. I do it now, I always feel like a fraud as I think it must be obvious I'm faking but it's made my work life so much easier. Little thing but made the work if difference - try it.

Pippinleaf, I do that too. I have to have stock phrases to fall back on until a conversation gets going and even then I struggle. I suspect I might be on the spectrum. My kids are - one at the severe end and one with Aspergers. I also strongly suspect my dad was on the spectrum. He thrived in the armed forces for 30 years, with all the certainties of behaviour and regimented life etc. When he came out he didn't fit anywhere and became quite depressed.

I work with children. I can relate to them.

I suspect I have (or am borderline for) AS, but have no diagnosis, I'm 28.

The social stuff, generally speaking, gets better as you get older. Partly because you do pick up some social strategies, and partly because you have more choice over who you interact with and some people gain the life experience they need not to be immature or cruel to others.

There was a campaign by LGBT celebrities a while back which was aimed at school aged LGBT teens, telling them that being different at school is hard, but that life gets better. I think that can apply to lots of people who feel they don't fit in.

I know you are still finding things hard. It's not unreasonable to wish you didn't have the challenges of ASD and to want to be 'normal'. But there is nothing wrong with you, you are brilliant and you will find people that not only accept your 'quirks' but love them as part of who you are. Speaking to people through ASD groups, or through activities which you enjoy that you might share with other people on the spectrum, is maybe the best way to start.

I still feel awkward in social situations and I spent several years crippled by anxiety and depression, agoraphobia and social phobia. But I'm starting to make a new life for myself now. I'm about to start my own business (self employed artist ) I do take my toddler out to groups even though I find it difficult, and I challenged myself to take him away on my own for a week and I managed it!

I have DH (who I met online) and two close friends (one who I went to school with who isn't much like me but accepting and one I met through a writing group who has similar traits to me). I'm even friendly with a few mums I've met since having my little boy, though I do still feel awkward and on the edge of these groups a little. The thing is, and maybe it just comes with experience and confidence, although I do worry about saying the wrong thing, I used to let that stop me saying anything... but now I don't. I've begun to care less about making mistakes, and I keep trying. I do go over conversations in my head where I think I've said something 'wrong' but not to the extent that I stop speaking to people. And the more I speak to people the more I think I get it 'right' or maybe people are more accepting because I seem more involved than I used to be so they forgive mistakes.

Sorry for rambling. I just mean, I know it is hard. But it can get easier. Speaking to others with ASD, even if just online for a while might give you confidence.

Op, I have autism too, I'm 25. I hate night clubs so much and struggle with eye contact so talking to people feels like a forced chore. Most of the time I am happy to sit alone, but sometimes I wish I was social and loved going out, like the few friends I have.

I get what you mean about adults making comments. I was at a wedding at the weekend, it was a friend of my dhs, I knew only 2 other people at the wedding and felt very very uncomfortable and out of my depth. While my dh was off socialising I was just sitting there on my own not making contact with anyone. A few times, total strangers came over to me and said "cheer up love it can't be that bad" and "smile will you". It upset my greatly and when they tried to make conversation with me I prayed dh wound come back soon and "save" me from it. A woman I have never met in my life grabbed my arm and tried to get me to dance with her. I freaked out and pulled away from her shouting like a lunatic. I think I scared her a bit but at least she left me alone. This had me on the verge of tears. To get it probably looked like I was being dramatic.

People don't understand. There are complete morons out there op, but there are people who see past the asd. My dh is one of them. Please don't give up, you will find friends, you sound like a lovely person.

I'm sorry I'm not much help just want to let you know you're not alone.

One thing I realised since interacting with other people more and speaking to others about their experiences. ASD or no ASD, feeling shy or anxious in social situations is actually really common. So when you are in a group of people, don't assume that they are all really confident and comfortable with groups. Probably one or more of them is not. They might have ASD or social phobia, or just be a bit anxious or shy.

It's easy to feel like you are the only person in the world who doesn't 'get' the social stuff but you aren't alone, it's just that the other people are also to shy and awkward to talk with you so that you can discover that!

And other people often say they didn't notice I was anxious or have trouble speaking or looking at them. Maybe they are just being polite, or maybe it isn't as obvious as it feels.

I have never been to a club. I've never been out and got drunk. I've never been to a pub that I wasn't there for a meal. It seems like "EVERYONE" does them. But they don't. Go do stuff you actually enjoy and meet likeminded people there.

No you are not, its a horrid harsh world out there, and one that I worry for dd 7 who has ASD, I won't always be able to protect her most of the time and shield her from the horrid people that you find. There are a few Mumsnetters on here who have ASD. I would put out a thread on here or in Relationships or Chat for likeminded people on Mumsnet, I have made a couple of friends through being on Mumsnet and its great. I do not have ASD but cannot stand nightclubs and bars, find a hobby or an interest and join a local group, be it:Singing, Ameture dramatics, sports etc and you will need nice likeminded people. Contact your local branch of the National Autistic Society, and they may have local groups too.

Some mumsnetters who have ASD are in relationships and have children. Have . Mabey that job is wrong for you. I suspect dh has Aspergers, he is very introverted, hates social situations and meeting people, and is a computer programmer, so just writes code and does not have to meet lots of people on a daily basis.

One tip I find useful is to try a class or hobby group as opposed to a general social group.

This is good because you can
a. do something you enjoy
b. put your head down and work on your thing when interacting with others is too much
c. or if it is something with talks, you can listen, and only ask questions if you want to
d. there is a obvious subject of conversation that you can have with anyone who approaches you (what you are working on, what they are working on, or what they thought of the talk etc.)

I have been to craft groups, a writing group, baby/toddler classes and I've just started going to an art group.

I do still find it a bit awkward if people's small talk asks too much about me. I felt I gave my life story to one lady at the art group who just kept asking questions I think I need to learn to ask people about themselves so that the conversation doesn't get onesided like that in future.

I'm in my 40s, and everything you say resonates so clearly with me.

About 5y ago I began suspecting that I have ASD. I have been fighting depression for most of my life. Never felt I fitted in. Felt I was stupid because I just didn't get what others got so easily. Felt I was always wrong, even though I was sure I was right. Constantly wrong-footed. Constantly putting myself in deeply uncomfortable situations - like nightclubs! - in desperate attempts to fit in.

The more I accept my Aspergers and come to terms with it, the more I feel I understand my experience. The biggest thing is to realise that much of my low self-esteem and negative beliefs about myself come from trying to force my square-peg-self into society's round hole, suffering the miserable consequences, thinking that they are normal, and then believing that the same will always happen because I am flawed.

But I am not flawed. I am different. And different is OK. It just means that what I need is different, too.

For example, I really struggle among the playground parents at school. I tried for a year, joined the PTA, helped on stalls, went to all the socials, etc. It was exhausting. I made no friends. Perhaps I could have tried for longer, but I had had enough. So I don't have any mum friends at ds's school.

OTOH I go to a regular sewing group where all the other ladies retired. The dynamics are totally different, and I can cope. I feel liked and valued there. I'm still the same person in the school playground or the sewing group. I'm still crap at remembering people's names and personal stories. But it is not a problem at the sewing group and I'm less stressed.

Does this ramble make sense?

You're not 'wrong'. You're just a different 'normal'. You're trying to wedge yourself into a society does not fit you. But there are plenty of people and places where you may fit comfortably. The challenge is identifying those places, and identifying what you need and what your strengths are so that you can find those places.

I like you.