To ask, would you treat your child like this???

[stressedmess]

I am going through a difficult time facing up to quite severe past emotional and psychological abuse and neglect in childhood. One of my parents was however my savior, we were very close but they passed away a few years ago now.

Recently, however I have been remembering different events and feel my 'good' parent wasn't good enough either. Great in many ways and I would be dead without them but did some things which are very hurtful in retrospect.

When I was about six we had a massive fight, I was an angry child becuase of what I was coping with, and after the row I was crying and crying and told my good parent I felt scared because I had been horrible to them and was scared it meant I didn't love them properly. They were cold towards me and agreed maybe I didn't and left me upset. For some reason this is really playing on my mind a lot this weekend.

Another thing was as I got older, when I let my anger out, because I felt so helpless in the situation, they would warn me occassionally that they might stop loving me if I carried on that way.

They treated me like an adult well before my time, marriage was not good so we were two against one in my house growing up.

I have no doubt this person loved me, but also managed to do some considerable damage by mistake. But then I feel terribly guilty and think maybe it was all ok and I'm complaining too much. I have no DC yet but can't imagine doing some of this stuff to them if I ever have any.

Am I being U to not feel this was ok? Am I being a princess about it?

Well it was certainly not ideal, but parent's are only human and kids don't come with a manual.
Your angry outbursts maybe hurt and frightened them and they didn't know how to handle it.

Yanbu...it is very wrong.

I tell my children that even if I tell them off or am angry with them, I still love them. It is very important to me that they know that I love them and no matter what they do, I always will. Children need that security.

Sorry op...it sounds like it was tough

No I don't think it was OK either. And I don't think you are being princessy to be upset about it.

However, just because someone is grown up and has a child they love, it does not mean they always react in the right way.

If my DC was angry and kicking off and said to me "I felt scared because I had been horrible to them and was scared it meant I didn't love them properly." I'd like to think - sitting here now with plenty of time to think, in a calm atmosphere and in front of my computer - I'd laugh affectionately, pat their cheek and say "Ah well I'm sure you love me enough sweetheart and I certainly love you." But in the middle of the receiving end of a tantrum . . . would I be as calming?

I remember one of my DCs having a tantrum and saying he wanted another Mummy. I did not react calmly to that I am afraid, I think he had driven me close to the edge leading up to it and I snarled something back at him at length (I can't remember what, which makes me worry it must have been something bad, as normally I have an excellent memory). Yet I love him desperately as I do all my DCs.

We don't always behave ideally, even - or especially - to those we love the most.

As this parent is no longer around, you can't really talk it through with them. Maybe counselling would be a good idea?

I don't know,how,old you are, but people today are a lot more cuddly towards their kids. In the past, children should be seen and not heard. Children weren't expected to,have feelings either.

Maybe you parent didn't know how,to deal with your emotional outbursts. They probably didn't mean what they said. All parents say things they don't mean at times.

"Your angry outbursts maybe hurt and frightened them and they didn't know how to handle it.*

I struggle with this idea. It sounds a little like victim blaming to me.

It's only a recent thing that I've started to feel upset about it. Had them on a pedestal in a way for years and always dismissed any fuck ups on their part as well we're all only human.

Unfortunately, combined with the other abuse and nobody doing anything to stop it etc, it's left me very mixed up.

I will always love them with all my heart, and I know they did love me and did so much for me, but at the same time I feel sad that nobody protected me from what was happening. That it was expected I'd be ok. Because I wasn't ok at all, the anger was how I tried to get that message across because crying wasn't really safe to do.

The other parent was very frightening and when I was very small I was genuinely afraid they would kill me. Then I realised they wouldn't, they just hated me. I could not understand why they hated me.

So the good parent was my rock and it was devastating when we would fight, because I was extremely alone then.

I don't think what happened to you was ok. Perhaps the good parent was finding things very difficult and made some mistakes because of problems in the marriage. Maybe they did the best that they could under the circumstances, but that might not have been quite good enough for you. All parents make mistakes, and even loving parents can do damage. You are allowed to be angry and feel let down. You can also still heal and you can cherish the love that your good parent had for you.

Counselling may help you, OP, if only to realise you were a child. You didn't cause this nor could you control it.
Don't blame yourself. You were a child. Remember that, always.

No I don't think you are being princessy, that sounds horrible. I hope you are being helped in rl to talk about all this.
I reassure my dds that I always love them even when they are being told off. I'm truly sorry that you didn't have this.

No wonder you're angry- even the good parent wasn't good enough, as they kept you in the abusive situation.

On top of that, they made you responsible for keeping their love, and made you believe it was something which could be lost if you showed your feelings. I'm so sorry, that sounds awful. More than likely, they experienced your anger as the anger of the other parent.

Being angry with the 'good' parent isn't a betrayal. It sounds like you need to be angry, TBH.

I do feel from your posts OP that one parent had mental health issues, perhaps diagnosed or perhaps not? If you felt they wanted to kill you, then that would have been terrifying and a huge load to carry for a small child. If undiagnosed, then one parent was carrying the load of caring for an ill spouse and a small child, and of course everyday situations become blown up and unmanageable, because none of us are superhuman. I am, btw, speculating wildly, none of this may apply. Either way, you would benefit from talking about this to someone. It is a tough burden you carry, but what is lovely about the world we live in now is that someone can help to carry that load. I wish you peace.

No mental health illness as such that needed caring for from their spouse, but with hindsight of course depression was there hugely.

thank you for replying, all.

Those examples are obviously not alright. If they were set against a backdrop of loving parenting they might not be such a big deal, but they've obviously stayed with you.

I too had an abusive parent and one that loved me. It took a long time for me to get over the fact that dm didn't protect me and db from my dad, and because she didn't I'm not sure I could describe her as a good parent. I'm sure that she loved us, and I think she did her best in many ways but she only had the resources provided by her own pretty poor parenting to work from.

Being cool to you may have been a shelter for them or you, if being too kind toward you was a possible trigger for the other that would have ended up with someone harmed. That's about the only scenario that makes their unkindness and lack of support even somewhat acceptable.

I am sorry you have no way of knowing the truth in this.

Is it possible that the good parent was being a less than perfect parent because they themselves were dealing with the stress of being married to an abuser.

I think it's understandable that you want to idolise the semi good parent in order to convince yourself you deserved love. But you don't choose your parents so their problems are not your fault. You deserve love simply for being.

Honestly, I think if an incident still upsets you all these years later then it probably wasn't OK or "normal".

Parents are just people though, and are never (or very rarely!) perfect. My own lovely mum said a handful of hurtful things to me during her lifetime - all of which, with hindsight, I can see were said as a result of her own depression or under the sheer weight of stress. I think it would be terribly sad to allow a rare blip of unkindness to affect your opinion of a parent who was seemingly going through hell at the time themselves (violent, abusive partner?) and who you would otherwise describe as being lovely & "your rock".

I would also suggest that maybe some counselling would be in order to help you get past this? You are not wrong in how you feel - but your parent sounds to have been doing (on the whole) a good job in bad circumstances.

both parents were no good to have allowed you to grow up in a situation that was so damaging to you. im very sorry you didn't have a better childhood

I'm not so sure about minimising this. The OP appears to be describing a situation where she grew up with two parents, one of whom neglected and abused her (to the extent where the OP feared for her life) and the other who didn't protect her, and at times perhaps also emotionally abused her. There may well have been many reasons why the 'good' parent was not able to get out or truly rescue her from what sounds like a horrible situation, but from the OP I'd say she/he really wasn't a good enough parent.

This is not about one fight/outburst when the OP was very small, but a whole blighted childhood.

For what it's worth OP, I have at times had very bad fights with my teenage son, who has been difficult at times, but I have always absolutely made sure that he knew that I loved him, and that I knew he loved me. As a parent there are times when you might not like your children very much, and it's fine to tell them that their behaviour is unlikable, even hateful, and in difficult situations sometimes very difficult decisions have to be made that might upset your child, but you should never hold them hostage to your love.

Another thing was as I got older, when I let my anger out, because I felt so helpless in the situation, they would warn me occassionally that they might stop loving me if I carried on that way.

Definitely NOT ok. Love should never be conditional for a child. There's no excuse for it. If you can't do that, you have no business being a parent.

Sometimes the best thing you can do when you had less than ideal parents is to not repeat their mistakes. My mother had undiagnosed MH problems, and I know there are lots of things I will never subject DD to. But there's some things they did right. But for the most part, I won't be parenting the way they did.

Hopefully you're getting therapy to help you out so you don't accidentally repeat the cycle or get with an abusive partner.

This is the real tragedy of child abuse, whether emotional, physical or sexual it only really starts to get to you when you mature.

OP I would seek help now. You may become a parent, and for me that opened up so many conflicting memories and emotions.

I'd advise you to call the National Association of People Abused in Childhood (NAPAC) they are brilliant. And see your GP - decades on, I was amazed to get some real help at last.

My only regret was not getting help earlier.

There's alo of sympathy going to the 'good' parent which frankly I don't share. I used to share, but now I don't. I believe that in some situations it's black and white, no nuance, no grey scale.

That applies to parents and unconditional love. And that applies to parents who don't take a child out of abuse, for their own fucked up, weak, and selfish reasons.

I came from a similiar background i suspect. Had the family dynamic as 'mother' as highly abusive and terrifying woman, who me, my sister and my dad were equally twrrified and in her thrall. Except i was also the family cess pit and universal blame dump, and my sister was the golden one.

I used to hide in the garage with my dad a lot, go join him there after he'd abandoned us to hours of insanity and terror, he'd slope away and leave us to bear the brunt of it. Afterwards I'd hide for hours with him. And my sister would be busy smoothing golden child magic onto hysteric bitch until she allowed us back in the house.

I used to stand up to her when no one else would, 'sacrificing myself' for my father, as I loved him so much and it wasn't fair he was being ripped apart, again, I'd save him by becoming the person she'd go after next.

I used to lie and cheat for my dad all the time. Cover up stuff to avoid the screaming terror of she found out.

Had some very good therapy in my 30s which directly challenged my adolisation of the 'good' parent. He was the only light in years of adject misery snd terror. And it was awful when that went. My walls came crashing down but I feel much more sane having recognized and evaluated the past with true adult eyes.

With adult eyes, what father keeps his children in a highly abusive situation for 18years? We were little children, powerless, and he colluded in keeping us in hell.

What father sneaks their daughter to hospital telling her to be quiet whilst she screamed in agony using her very broken ankle as i 'wasnt allowed' to limp or have help. He sneaked me out after 48hrs as i had been told i wasnt allowed medical treatment as it was inconvenient and had been done to spite her. I always thought that story was about how my dad loved me, but the older i get the more i realise that he was weak and put himself first, then tried to sneakily do loving things in between making me cannon fodder in the war against him.

What father lets his seven year old daughter stand in front of him shouting at her mother trying to protect her daddy from the foul woman?

What father gets daughter to lie and cheat and get him money to fund his bad spending habits? He got jobs further and further away, one year in Scotland so he came home only at weekends... So he escaped as much as possible and didn't care that he left us even more trapped with her, in an isolated village, with a tyrannical maniac,

He is my father and I love him deeply, but he's weak and he's responsible for my abusive childhood as much as if he'd done it all himself.

The irony is, he choose my mum in the end. And she won't even let me be in a room with him as she's so rabidly jealous. When they 'got back together' I lost the only parent I had left. and that hurt more than anything my mother ever did.

It was not OK and you had a damaging childhood. You love your child whatever- not just if they conform to what you want them to be.
However, I think that you need to draw a line under it and not allow it to damage your adulthood.

I'm sorry you had a sad and troubled childhood.

Don't listen to people telling you to just get over it. You need help - a really, really good counsellor. Look into that. (I say really good because some aren't - research it, ask around, ask your GP, ask on here too).

I had a pretty crap childhood but the only thing I can say now as the mother of three daughters, is that we are human and it's very hard to be a good parent when you have a lot going on like a dysfunctional marriage.

I have not always reacted in the best way, I have sometimes been aloof, angry, distracted, sad, stressed, infuriated, frustrated and my children will no doubt turn round to me as adults and tell me the ways I have ruined their lives! I have always told them I love them no matter what - that's a big difference.