To ask, would you treat your child like this???

[stressedmess]

I am going through a difficult time facing up to quite severe past emotional and psychological abuse and neglect in childhood. One of my parents was however my savior, we were very close but they passed away a few years ago now.

Recently, however I have been remembering different events and feel my 'good' parent wasn't good enough either. Great in many ways and I would be dead without them but did some things which are very hurtful in retrospect.

When I was about six we had a massive fight, I was an angry child becuase of what I was coping with, and after the row I was crying and crying and told my good parent I felt scared because I had been horrible to them and was scared it meant I didn't love them properly. They were cold towards me and agreed maybe I didn't and left me upset. For some reason this is really playing on my mind a lot this weekend.

Another thing was as I got older, when I let my anger out, because I felt so helpless in the situation, they would warn me occassionally that they might stop loving me if I carried on that way.

They treated me like an adult well before my time, marriage was not good so we were two against one in my house growing up.

I have no doubt this person loved me, but also managed to do some considerable damage by mistake. But then I feel terribly guilty and think maybe it was all ok and I'm complaining too much. I have no DC yet but can't imagine doing some of this stuff to them if I ever have any.

Am I being U to not feel this was ok? Am I being a princess about it?

Miscellaneous

When I say 'draw a line' you may need counselling to help you get to that point.

Miscellaneous that sounds ghastly.

I'm so sorry you had such a dreadful time.

I hope your life is much happier now

It took me 40 years to come to the conclusion the "good" parent was just as crap but in a different way. Her weakness kept us kids in a situation I would have jumped ship on for my kids years ago. I've detached myself from them both completely - the one because he died the other because his death focused my attention on her and the scales fell from my eyes and I could see she had been a rubbish parent too. I miss them both though - don't ask me why.

Sorry to hear that stressedmum and Miscellaneous. I hope you both find some kind of closure to it. I no longer try to rationalise it or make sense of it. It is what it is but age 50+ it still haunts me. One chance of childhood and I didn't have one.

In some ways I agree counselling could help you draw that line quickly. I do feel though in some ways I'm healing myself. I come to conclusions about things at odd times and feel that in some way I'm processing it all. Of course, it's taken years but I think perhaps that's all I can take, just the odd realisation of what went on. I don't think mentally I could take the full on concentrated form of healing through counselling sessions - I fear it might put me in a pit I'd never get out of.

The 'good' parent kept you in an abusive situation. They were NOT good enough. You deserved so much more. I think you should be angry at the 'good' parent - why didn't they do more, why didn't they take you away, why didn't they protect you?

Sorry you suffered during child good.

My mother was the horrible parent growing up, and DF was the 'good' one (at least in comparison).

I'd been starting to become disillusioned with DF in recent years, wondering why he didn't defend us from her (his answer 'You didn't defend yourselves well enough when you were children ). Then my mother died earlier this year, after a period of reasonably good behaviour.

I have my own kids now and find it harder and harder to accept how my parents BOTH treated me, not just my mother. I can see that DF didn't know what to do and just kept on, but we had bugger all support anyway and it upsets him now if I mention it.

You're not being a princess to be retrospectively upset. I'd suggest counselling, tbh - it has helped me.