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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

This is going to be sweary, Future MIL. Aibu to ignore her for a day

70 replies

prettywhiteguitar · 28/09/2014 17:08

Mil in shop today, "I hear you had a near miss with twins " - laughs

Me- well if you call a near miss a dead baby then yes

I had my 12 week scan which showed 1 heathy normal baby and one that had stopped growing at about 8 weeks

I fucking hate her right now, stupid ignorant cow

Not only did she start the conversation in a bloody shop, but she had no idea how I felt about it. Just assumed that I would be happy that one of my babies died.

I have pretty much ignored her since then, just polite nods.

I just wanted to rant on here so I don't tell her to feck off home

OP posts:
PenguinsIsSleepDeprived · 28/09/2014 17:34

I am so sorry for your loss. I think you are being amazingly restrained in the circumstances.

moxon · 28/09/2014 17:35

Many of these >> Flowers

ithoughtofitfirst · 28/09/2014 17:36

That's so heartbreaking op i'm so sorry Brew Flowers

My MIL would find this an appropriate thing to say. Without a doubt. Ignore her for as long as you need to.

phantomnamechanger · 28/09/2014 17:37

oh OP, I am so sorry. You've already had a nasty shock and on top of that a completely insensitive idiot to deal with. People can be so unthinking. When we lost DD3 we actually had people (not family) implying it was OK because we already had 2 girls so at least it wasn't a boy (which we were obviously desperate for, as 2 girls must be such a disappointment Confused )

people are absolutely thoughtless sometimes

hugs to you

and ignore her for a looooong time.

TryDrawing · 28/09/2014 17:37

My mil made a similarly offensive comment when I had a miscarriage and I don't think I'll ever forgive her. She is simply tactless and would never understand the hurt her comment caused. I have let it go for the sake of generally cordial relations but she and I will never be close.

I'm sorry for your loss OP xx

ChippingInLatteLover · 28/09/2014 17:40

I am so sorry, both for your loss and for you having had that said to you :(

I'm with castlemilk.

Being politely restrained is over rated.

Castlemilk · 28/09/2014 17:42

Oh and OP, I'm sorry I forgot to say in my anger on your behalf - I'm sorry for your loss. Very sorry. Be kind to yourself Thanks

MajesticWhine · 28/09/2014 17:47

You are a saint for the way you responded. What a cow.

TangledUpInGin · 28/09/2014 17:51

That's a horrendously heartless thing to say and more so coming from a mother!!! I'm sorry for your loss and hope you're okay. I thought I was pissed off with my outlaws for spending all Saturday calling my six month old ds by his middle name as he looks more like it than his given name Angry but yours takes it to another level Thanks

millionsofpeaches · 28/09/2014 17:56

So sorry OP. Thanks What a massively insensitive and stupid woman she is. How could anyone think that that was an acceptable thing to say, let alone to bring it up in the middle of a shop.

Take care of yourself

Moreisnnogedag · 28/09/2014 17:58

I'd expect more of a reaction from your dh. That's beyond absent-mindedness that's downright callous.

I'm so sorry Flowers forget putting on a show for dinner, look after yourself.

Chippednailvarnish · 28/09/2014 17:58

Thing is she is a nice woman just daft

No she is not a nice woman, you'll probably find that pretending to be daft is all an act to allow her to behave like a bitch.

Amy106 · 28/09/2014 18:02

Thanks I am so sorry to hear about your little one. Thanks Dp needs to sort his mother out so this kind of thing doesn't happen again. Make sure he clearly understands this.

Original poster
prettywhiteguitar · 28/09/2014 18:22

Sat through dinner and blanked them. Dp is going to a meeting so will be having words with him when he gets back.

I am more pissed off now if that's possible.

OP posts:
Original poster
prettywhiteguitar · 28/09/2014 18:24

I'm only having words with him for telling his dad as he knows very well what a thoughtless person he is he would probably say something stupid.

OP posts:
Bigoldsupermoon · 28/09/2014 18:29

Didn't want to read and run, Prettywhiteguitar; just want to say how sorry I am that you've lost one of your babies and that you've had to deal with this shit on top of it. It goes without saying: you're absolutely not being unreasonable; you've dealt with it far better than I imagine most of us would.

Flowers
Bogeyface · 28/09/2014 18:40

DD2 is a twin, I lost the other baby at 9 weeks. When my aunt found out (thank you dad with your big gob) she said "Oh that must have been a relief, you would never have coped with twins would you?". My sister was there and gave her short shrift, but it was so horrible, especially as I had only just given birth to DD2 and almost lost her aswell due to Vasa Previa.

I am so sorry for your loss, I remember well the conflicting emotions, feeling happy that she was ok but the devastation of having lost a baby. Its not easy, many people (exDH included) felt that the miscarriage almost didnt count because I was still pregnant. Almost no one understood that I could feel happiness and relief over one healthy baby while still grieving over the one I lost. No one would have expected me to just "get over" losing one twin at birth.

Take care, be kind to yourself and allow yourself time to grieve. Because of others reactions I didnt allow myself to grieve properly and I am sure that that contributed to my subsequent PND Flowers

Monmouth · 28/09/2014 18:41

So sorry for you.

It's a combination of not knowing what to say and ignorance. I'm sure she realises what she said was awful.

Some people have a very odd attitude concerning twins, as one is ok it seems you can't be too upset about the one that has died.

fluffyraggies · 28/09/2014 18:41

Oh God OP - some people are such dicks. Who on earth would think it ok to make light of the loss of a baby?

Flowers

Do have a word with DH - but go gently. He was probably feeling very sad about the baby and thought it was important to share it with his parents. I'm sure he is feeling ashamed of them and suitably sorry he said anything.

I'm glad you have blanked them during dinner. It would be good if your DH could tell them clearly (at some point in the near future) how insensitive and upsetting MILs comment was.

ithoughtofitfirst · 28/09/2014 18:44

How can other people have the cheek to tell you to be or imply that you should be relieved at something so tragic? People are so weird. Surely i tell you how i feel about it and then you just support me?

HavanaSlife · 28/09/2014 18:49

Sorry for your loss op, when I told a neighbour that id lost ds at 20 weeks she said its probably for the best.

I have no fucking idea what she meant by that and why people are so bloody insensitive

Xenadog · 28/09/2014 18:51

OP your MiL is a fucking insensitive bitch and I don't think it's too extreme to say it would be justifiable never speak to her again. You have suffered a real loss, a real bereavement. Her comment was wrong on every level.

I am so sorry for what you have gone through.

rumbleinthrjungle · 28/09/2014 18:54

I'm so sorry. When I went to my GP to say the scan showed no heartbeat he actually told me 'well you didn't want that one, there was something wrong with it'.

People have no idea how to respond to mcs, or how terrible that loss is to experience. Thanks

Gen35 · 28/09/2014 18:55

You handled it really well not to flip. I was very upset when I lost a twin around 9 wks - a lot of people upset me as they didn't get it because we still had one baby expected and they were nowhere near as bad as your MIL. It's always upsetting when you're having a scan and you see no heartbeat and then you blame yourself etc. I was also looking forward to two.

Bogeyface · 28/09/2014 19:26

I think it makes a massive difference if the person you are talking to has had a m/c themselves. I have had 13 m/c altogether over a 20 year period and have had some stunningly (accidentally I hope) cruel remarks made but they have all been from people who have never been through it. The kindest remarks have been from people who have lost a child and well understand how it feels.