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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

People who change plans

47 replies

sonjadog · 28/09/2014 15:24

First of all, I know this isn't really a big deal, but I am a bit annoyed.

I work at a school and once a week a group of teachers meet at lunch and do a quiz together. In the summer holidays this year we decided to keep it going, so once a week we met at a café, had coffee and cake and did the quiz. It was fun, we are friends as well as colleagues. This coming week is half-term and I sent a mail asking if anyone wanted meet up. So we agreed on usual time, usual café. Then on Friday one of the people invited to the quiz this week said in front of everyone that wouldn't it be better if we all came to her house? I don't want to go to her house. I want to go to the café like we arranged. She put us on the spot and it would have been rude to say no.

AIBU to be a bit annoyed about this? I maybe have a bit of a thing about people changing plans. I used to have a friend who would always do this. I'd ask her to do something, she'd say yes and then the day before I'd get a text saying, "Wouldn't you rather..?" Every single time. It really bugged me after a while. I wanted to answer, "No. I wanted to do the thing I asked you to do, that's why I asked you to do it."

Anyway, what do you think?

OP posts:
Original poster
sonjadog · 28/09/2014 15:26

The women who invited us to her house wasn't part of the summer quiz group. She's new this week.

OP posts:
Bearandcub · 28/09/2014 15:29

You can sulk about it or go. What's the issue? She's new to the group,as you say, perhaps she didn't realise the venue was set in stone.

sooperdooper · 28/09/2014 15:31

Maybe she's a bit skint so couldn't afford the cafe but wanted to be included? I don't see the problem myself, it's not a huge issue

Original poster
sonjadog · 28/09/2014 15:37

Definitely not skint. Going to her house will add an extra half hour's drive each way and I think it'll end up being an afternoon rather than an hour at café. I would cancel going but as I suggested it to start off with, it would look a bit pointed.

I am being unreasonable about it I guess. I will just have to get on with it and seethe silently inside.

OP posts:
Whippet81 · 28/09/2014 15:37

It would piss me off - especially as she was new. Why would you join in a group that has been doing something for ages and then start calling the shots?

If I couldn't afford to go I wouldn't change someone's plans I would just say I couldn't go.

EBearhug · 28/09/2014 15:40

Can't you just say, "I'd rather meet at the cafe"? It might be that everyone still ends up going to hers, but it might also be that others are thinking they'd rather go to the cafe, but haven't been able to speak up.

If it's a one-off then just go and be nosey, but I think you should say something if it's going to be repeated.

LEMmingaround · 28/09/2014 15:43

So you go to hers. She provides free cake snd coffee.

LemonadeRayGun · 28/09/2014 16:06

It would annoy me too, I am a fan of routine and it would annoy me if a new person came in and changed my plans! But then I don't know if that would be unreasonable of me or not, but I know it would be how I felt.

Original poster
sonjadog · 28/09/2014 16:18

That's pretty much how I feel, Lemonade. I do know it is unreasonable to be this annoyed about it, but I don't know if it is really unreasonable or just a bit.

I am also not hugely keen on this woman, which is probably clouding my judgement. She really talks a lot and she seems to take over every conversation. I don't dislike her either, I just feel we are very different people.

OP posts:
BaffledSomeMore · 28/09/2014 16:26

Couldn't you have said you didn't have the extra time that day?
I agree with you that it's annoying though. Why change something that works?

Original poster
sonjadog · 28/09/2014 16:33

She put me on the spot at the end of school day. My wits aren't at their sharpest at that moment in the day. I couldn't think of anything to say but "No, I don't want to", and I couldn't be that rude to her.

I could maybe say now that I have lots of do and don't have the time, etc. But maybe it'd be better to just go along with it this time. I don't know if the others are happy to go or not. I haven't spoken to them since Friday.

OP posts:
HKat · 28/09/2014 16:42

I get what you're saying op. I have a similar friend (although one I'm closer to) who, if you make a group arrangement will always try and change it to something he wants to do. Ie I will say X and I are going for lunch here if you want to join us, and the answer will be 'lovely, but why don't we go somewhere else instead?'. Always. Usually X and I have picked first venue for a good reason (money!) and so it grinds my gears. If there was valid reason for changing the venue then fine, maybe, but usually it's just because he would rather go somewhere else. It would especially annoy me in the instance you've said as the venue was v specific - there's a big difference between an event you want to attend and hanging at someone's house

FrootLoopy · 28/09/2014 16:44

Next time you are put on the spot and don't know what to say just respond with 'Let me think about and I will get back to you.'

It will give you a few minutes to compose yourself.

If they push for an answer quickly, you then just say 'Sorry, if I can't have time to think about it I'll just have to say no then'.

rookiemater · 28/09/2014 16:47

I think you need to be very bluntly polite about this.

I would mail everyone and say "If it's ok with everyone, I'd rather we stuck with going to the cafe and quiz this week as I really enjoy it and it's an easy venue for everyone to meet up." Then see how the chips land.

I'd not be keen to drive half an hour out of my way to do something I don't particularly want to do, plus it puts obligation on everyone else to start doing reciprocal hosting which is way more bother than just driving to a cafe.

HKat · 28/09/2014 16:51

Exactly. If it's a friend who says she can't make it because of money, childcare or another such reason - so needs to stay in - then whilst is be annoyed at the situation I wouldn't be annoyed at them. But if you're looking forward to going somewhere in particular then it's different.

Original poster
sonjadog · 28/09/2014 17:00

I wouldn't be annoyed either if it were a reason like any one of those, HKat.
Then I would gladly change so the person was included.

OP posts:
HKat · 28/09/2014 17:25

Such a pain when you're really looking forward to going somewhere!

iamsoannoyed · 28/09/2014 17:43

You are being a bit unreasonable- while I can understand some people like to stick to plans, and also you prefer this venue/time etc, she didn't unilaterally force you all to change your plans did she?

She asked if you would all like to come to her house. She is new, perhaps she thought it was a nice gesture? Or perhaps she did not realise that the venue was set in stone?

None of you said "no actually we'd like to stick to current plans". You all agreed- so how is she supposed know that she's upset you?

It seems to me you have 3 choices:

  1. contact everyone going (? by email) and ask if you could revert to original plan
  2. don't go.
  3. go and make the best of it (try and let it go, sitting and seething- unless you are a very good actor- will show) and then ask if next time you could revert back to the cafe.
Whoopsadazy · 28/09/2014 17:48

Wouldn't arse me in the slightest.

I'd think "ooh, I'll have a butchers at her gaff" or "oh that's nice, the new person in work wants to get to know us better since offering her house up for a social gathering" or "that'll be be better than us hogging tables in a cafe and having to be mindful of other people".

"My particular arrangements have been changed" would be approximately number 132 on the list of things I'd think.

misanthropologist · 28/09/2014 18:45

Going to her house will add an extra half hour's drive each way and I think it'll end up being an afternoon rather than an hour at café.

"Oh, I'm so sorry, I really have a very limited time I can get away that afternoon, I need to be back home by so if we don't do it at the cafe I'm afraid I'll have to bow out."

Original poster
sonjadog · 29/09/2014 13:37

I'm over being annoyed about it now, so I'll just do whatever the others want to tomorrow. I think in the future I'll say that it is best as a café event. I really don't want it to be end up that we have to take turns in hosting each other.

While I am here (and assuming anyone is still reading), there is another thing I am wondering a bit about this group. Some of them have a tendency to make negative comments about other people we work with. I find it uncomfortable and just unecessary. But at the same time I don't want to be the po-faced one ruining everyone else's time. How do you tackle situations like this? Any good tips?

OP posts:
WipsGlitter · 29/09/2014 13:45

Very annoying

I had this recently over DPs birthday where a friend of a friend who was invited (long story) asked could her husband come too and then I said ok but then had to change our booking to a later time so said to all meet at ours first and she was all 'no come to ours first' so I had to be firm and say that the rest of the people had now been told to come to ours so could she please just go along with my plan!

susiedaisy · 29/09/2014 13:49

Yanbu she was joining an already pre organised event she shouldn't of come in at the last minute and change it to suit her.

susiedaisy · 29/09/2014 13:51

As for the bitching about others during the quiz I wouldn't join in and would try to steer the conversation to something else. Is it one person that always talks negatively about others ?

TeddieWeddie · 29/09/2014 13:57

That would annoy me too. Especially the fact that she is a newcomer to the group and thinks she can just change plans around to suit her.

I have noticed that some people always suggest that everyone meets round their house, and I've come to the conclusion it's because they're lazy and want everyone to travel to them