People who change plans

[sonjadog]

First of all, I know this isn't really a big deal, but I am a bit annoyed.

I work at a school and once a week a group of teachers meet at lunch and do a quiz together. In the summer holidays this year we decided to keep it going, so once a week we met at a café, had coffee and cake and did the quiz. It was fun, we are friends as well as colleagues. This coming week is half-term and I sent a mail asking if anyone wanted meet up. So we agreed on usual time, usual café. Then on Friday one of the people invited to the quiz this week said in front of everyone that wouldn't it be better if we all came to her house? I don't want to go to her house. I want to go to the café like we arranged. She put us on the spot and it would have been rude to say no.

AIBU to be a bit annoyed about this? I maybe have a bit of a thing about people changing plans. I used to have a friend who would always do this. I'd ask her to do something, she'd say yes and then the day before I'd get a text saying, "Wouldn't you rather..?" Every single time. It really bugged me after a while. I wanted to answer, "No. I wanted to do the thing I asked you to do, that's why I asked you to do it."

Anyway, what do you think?

Now I'm starting to feel the rage again!

Actaully, I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow. I met a friend and fellow quizer last night and I told her I wanted to go to the café and she said she'd sort something out. So I am waiting to see what happens next...

Regarding the negative comments, there are two of them who do it. I ahve tried steering the conversation elsewhere when they do, but they don't seem to be taking the hint as quickly as I wish they would. I will persevere.

That would annoy me. I have a friend who constantly changes plans to suit her schedule, needs etc even if it means more inconvenience to me. At this stage I really don't go out of my way to meet up with her as it just kept happening. A meal in town after work would change to meeting up at her house for dinner with her kids and husband and me having to go home first to get the car and then not being able to have a drink and so on.

Some people just don't think about the other person when they're happily re-arranging plans for their own convenience.

With the woman I mentioned in the first post who did it to me every single time, I started to think it was some strange control issue. She was also fond of small put-downs and negative comments. I think she needed to make others feel inadequate to make herself feel better, and the always changing plans was another way of making herself feel better at someone else's expense. In any case, what she achieved was having someone less to go out and do stuff with because I stopped asking her to do anything.

Sometimes it's just thoughtlessness and self centredness though.

I really used to feel like saying to my friend 'no I don't want to sit in your kitchen with your husband and your kids bickering and interrupting , eating shepherds pie, and sipping a glass of water because I have to drive home, instead of our original plan of going to a nice restaurant for some lovely food and a grown up conversation with lots of wine'.

OP I said earlier I wouldn't be particularly bothered at the change of plans. I think your history with someone else is maybe colouring your judgement here.

The woman suggested you all came to her house. No-one told her it wouldn't work for them. She's not psychic - if everyone nods along she will assume you're ok with it. Why on earth are you feeling rage because she made a perfectly reasonable suggestion that no-one objected to - to her face anyway!

As for the negative comments from the two other people, just say clearly "I don't want to get into this" or "no talking shop!".

I'm often bemused on MN that people don't just speak up when there is an issue and simmer with resentment instead.

I don't see how it's reasonable. A group of friends who have a longstanding arrangement of meeting in a café invite a new colleague to join them and she immediately says 'oh, let's meet up at my house instead' even though it's an extra half hour's drive for some of them.

That's not reasonable.

I don't know if the quiz woman does this a lot. I don't know her that well. She isn't new at work btw, just new in the quiz meet up.

She has done some other stuff that I do find a little odd. Twice last year I invited a group of teachers to my house for dinner and both times I invited her. Both times she was very keen and said she would bring dessert, and both times she didn't turn up on the night and didn't send a text saying that she wasn't coming. As it happened I had something else for dessert so it wasn't a problem, but it could have been very awkward.

I have started wondering if she has a problem with me, but I don't know why or what.

I don't really feel rage. That was me being melodramatic. I felt mild irritation and now I just feel slightly puzzled.

Vintagejazz
I don't see how it's reasonable. A group of friends who have a longstanding arrangement of meeting in a café invite a new colleague to join them and she immediately says 'oh, let's meet up at my house instead' even though it's an extra half hour's drive for some of them.

That's not reasonable.

Because unless I've misunderstood, not one person present raised an objection. So either everyone else is ok with it or they're not but this woman doesn't know they're not. I just don't get why the OP didn't speak up at the time.

Maybe the Terms of Reference for the quiz should be laminated and require a full consultation before any future deviations.

She was put on the spot. I would certainly think it rude to change a long standing arrangement the very first time I'd been asked to join in and move it to my house. Nothing to do with being resistant to change but everything to do with manners and waiting until you're part of a group properly before you start changing things.

I just don't get it. Put on the spot or not, why wouldn't you just say "thanks but no good got me - if it's a better arrangement for the rest of you I won't be offended" - I've just done a similar thing today. I'm assuming the interloper isn't a deranged axe murderer and is a normal person.

When she asked me it was half an hour after the end of the school day, on the last day befor half term and I was sitting on the sofa in the staffroom being vacant. The thing with being a teacher, I find, is that the school day is so mentally draining that at the end of it it takes me a while to rejuvinate. So yes, that would have been the most sensible thing to say, bit right there and then my mind was a complete and utter blank.

As often with these things, hindsight is a wonderful thing.

OP from your update, the date changer sounds slightly unhinged.

Given as you were the original instigator of the quiz get together I wouldn't wait for someone else to sort it out. Send the email I suggested above "If it's ok with everyone, I'd rather we stuck with going to the cafe and quiz this week as I really enjoy it and it's an easy venue for everyone to meet up." If you wanted to be a bit passive agressive you could add "Date changing lady - do you want to arrange a different date for your own a meet up rather than trying to steal mine?

I can see why the OP didn't deal with it on the spot, I don't find confrontation easy, also in my head I'd be going WTF and trying to compute what she said. There's a group of us meet up for a pub quiz and I'd be very bemused if someone suggested we went to their house instead.

On the people mentioning other people, if you do go down the emailing route, I'd go for lots of bean dipping for at least this quiz i.e. changing the subject every time they talk about someone. If you want to get more direct say " Oh I feel uncomfortable when we talk about people" or " I really like X and get on with them well" but not if you have already caused some ripples through your email.

I'd be annoyed too.

Apart from anything else, I'm not all that comfortable with being in other people's houses - especially people I don't know that well.

At first, when I thought she was new, I thought you were being unreasonable - that she was maybe just being friendly and offering to host you all as a getting-to-know-you gesture.

However, after reading your update, I reckon she doesn't like that you're Chief Organiser / Little Miss Popular. It's a jealousy/playground thing I think. She didn't turn up to your gathering because you were hosting. She doesn't want to go to the cafe because you've arranged it. She wants to host because she wants to be in charge.

The good thing is, it's nothing personal - she'd be like this with whoever was the organiser. The challenge will be to manage the situation so everyone can get along/play nicely without the whole group having to fit their plans around her. Why not go this time as a one-off and suggesting that you revert to the usual arrangement - if everyone else has been happy with this before now, I'm sure there'll be a general agreement to stick with the cafe and she can then choose to either join you all or not.

*suggest

Food for thought here. I belong to a small group of about ten people who meet once a month in a church hall. There's no parking there so I (and presumably some of the others) have to catch two buses to get there. I thought about asking them to come to my house for one meeting and, if it went well, I was going to suggest that we take turns to host for a couple of hours if there is plenty of parking by the houses.

It doesn't matter now though because I've decided to leave the group as I'm not keen on the leader who doesn't lead very well. I'm not trying to take over and I know I'm right because I'm not the only one who thinks the leader's not up to it.

I cannot say what the group does because it might out me.

That's different though happy as you are part of an established group and there is a valid reason why a different location would be better for you and perhaps other members.

In this case it sounds like the lady just doesn't like quizzes because she wants to talk instead or her nose is out of joint because OP has organised a number of events. In my mind a meeting at someones house (that I don't particularly like or want to spend time with) is totally different to going to a cafe to do a quiz and the two events are not to be confused or mixed up to suit this ladies desire for control.

Shame you have to leave your group, Happy. Can you start or join a new one?

I wouldn't be pleased if a group I was part of decided that participants were going to start taking turns to host. I don't like obligations like that. I like having people over, but it has to be on my terms.

I would be happy to go to this woman's house for a different occasion. I just don't want to for the quiz tomorrow. I do find it a bit odd that someone's first action on joining an established group is to try to make changes. I can't imagine doing it myself.

I have trouble thinking of myself as Little Miss Popular, but you may be on to something there, Slim.

I will go along with whatever is decided for tomorrow. I don't want to make this a big deal (or at least not in real life!). But in future I will say that I want to stick to the quiz arrangement we have had.

Also, what is "bean dipping", rookie? I haven't heard that expression before!

Ah it's used a lot on Etiquettehell which is a website I quite enjoy, it literally means changing the topic of conversation completely.

Yeah, I can do that. The last few times I've countered it by saying something nice about the person, but I can go for the pointed change in topic.