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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Chocolate to your H for his birthday (from gushy woman) - would you feel jealous?

53 replies

textingdisaster · 27/09/2014 21:25

Just wanted your thoughts on this. H is doing a lot of work on a woman's house. She lives just up the road and he has known her for about 9 years (during which time he has done various jobs for her).

Thursday was his birthday. She must have found out on Friday because I found a big happy belated birthday slab of chocolate in the car (happy birthday written on it in a different colour chocolate) with an attached note saying Happy Belated Birthday h's name and a smiley face drawn next to it. This in combination with the fact that she picked something up from the chemist for him recently and that she is generally very gushy and syrupy sweetly nice, is annoying me. Maybe however IABU and she is just being nice to a friend?

Sister's partner thinks that the fact that she went to all this trouble the day after his birthday, means something.

Maybe I am being petty but please be gentle as H and I have a difficult relationship which is making things like this possibly seem worse at the moment (especially the fact that he is not talking to me at the moment).

OP posts:
BookABooSue · 27/09/2014 22:18

texting please don't condemn yourself to a life of misery Sad . If others would leave and you'd advise a friend to leave then listen to your own advice. You might be to 'blame' for some things, you might be the innocent party, you might just be completely incompatible as a couple, he might be a manipulative arse. There are lots of different paths and scenarios that can bring a relationship to the end of its road but, ultimately, what's important for our health and wellbeing is recognising that end.

You sound sad. If you want to leave and are finding it difficult perhaps consider counselling on your own.

Original poster
textingdisaster · 27/09/2014 22:18

No AF definitely not. But thought of splitting everybody up is terrifying. I am hoping that dynamic will change once I am working (which I hope to start doing over next 2 or 3 months).

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 27/09/2014 22:20

How will the dynamic change if you are working ? He will simply find something else to take the piss out of, and he will have a wealth of new ways to bring you down.

Original poster
textingdisaster · 27/09/2014 22:21

I do feel sad book. I imagine the grief people have to go through when their marriages break down must be awful and I don't know if I am strong enough for that. I went to a counsellor for 2 years but think that she might not have been challenging enough. My aunt also advises me to have more counselling.

OP posts:
Original poster
textingdisaster · 27/09/2014 22:23

I think I am too dependent on him both emotionally and financially and that it is too much for him. I guess if the same behaviour continued I would then have to make a move. Still utterly terrifying though.

OP posts:
BookABooSue · 27/09/2014 22:36

Have you read any of the EA threads? They have a reading list at the start and you might find it interesting. EA and emotionally unavailable people often criticise their partner's emotional 'dependence'.

I'm not sure that counselling has to be challenging but it's definitely true that you need to find a counsellor whose style works for you. I think the best counsellors help you to hold up a mirror and see the reality of your personality and your situation.

DietCoke48 · 27/09/2014 22:43

This wouldn't bother me at all, I think that she's just doing a nice gesture and the fact that you know about it and have seen her efforts points more towards there being nothing to worry about surely?

Original poster
textingdisaster · 28/09/2014 09:37

I agree that gesture in isolation is okay (though the chocolate is in the house but the note has disappeared Hmm).

Thanks book, yes there are things that I do which (like desperately needing people's approval) pre-date being with h.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, h is still behaving as if I don't exist. Why doesn't he just come out and say that he wants to end our "relationship"?

OP posts:
Original poster
textingdisaster · 28/09/2014 09:38

And we are now going swimming while not talking Confused.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 28/09/2014 11:43

What a grim relationship Sad

BookABooSue · 28/09/2014 12:28

He doesn't want to end it. He's not that unhappy.

You are the one that is miserable, ignored and worrying about gifts of chocolate.

You don't need his permission to leave. It's not all about him and your life doesn't have to be. Why do you want to go swimming with someone who is ignoring you? Say 'no'. Go with someone else. You really need to detach from his huffiness not reward it. If he's going to act like a child then treat him like one. The consequence of being ignorant at home is that you don't get to play nice outside. I'm Angry on your behalf.

BookABooSue · 28/09/2014 12:30

I meant 'It's not all about him and your life doesn't need to be all about him.' Just in case that wasn't clear.

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat · 28/09/2014 14:39

Texting you say that you're worried about the grief you might go experience splitting up, but with the best will in the world, you are already miserable. Why do you think that splitting up from the person who is making you miserable - and, more to the point - that you can only foresee continuing to make you miserable - is going to make you more miserable, when surely what it's going to do is make you less miserable?

(Over use of the word 'miserable' there, but I think you can see my point!)

Equally, you say that you're worried that you're not "strong enough" to bear the misery of splitting up - but the alternative this man seems to be offering you is a lifetime of misery: do you think that you are strong enough to bear that? (Seriously m'dear, why would you want to?)

JudysPriest · 28/09/2014 15:04

How awful for your kids, a week in the house where Mum and Dad haven't spoken to each other.

Original poster
textingdisaster · 28/09/2014 15:28

I would like to detach from the huffiness but I don't know how to do it. Swimming trip ended with an argument as well and with us going home separately. I can only assume from h's behaviour that he cannot stand me but does not want to be the one to end it.

To people who are divorced or separated, do you ever get over not being with your dc all the time and being "excluded" (so to speak) from their life with ex-h when they are with him.

I suppose bottom line, though I am not perfect, I think I am an okay person with some nice things about me. I cannot get my head round what seems to be h's level of dislike for me.

I know that it is not all about h book, but I suppose we are playing out some kind of power struggle, and making it more about me or other things will mean that our separateness somehow becomes confirmed.

I know that I am already miserable OnIlkley, but separating is a whole new level of scary miserable.

Thanks for all your messages Smile.

OP posts:
fluffyraggies · 28/09/2014 17:42

''But thought of splitting everybody up is terrifying''

Yes, of course it is. However, keep telling yourself that that is not a good justification to go on as you are. Ending a marriage is no picnic, of course - but in the end life gets better and you look back on all the shit and think 'thank god i did it'. Very quickly actually.

My situation was different to yours (every situation is different) but i too felt the sheer panic at the thought of being the one to end my marriage. Even after i was sure i wanted to end it, it took 2 years to pluck up the courage! That was 7 years ago. The children were/are unscathed. He's remarried (found someone else within 6 months) I've remarried, and the dust is settled. I am 'lucky' in the respect that he is uninterested in his daughters and sees them rarely. So i am not without them very often. They are pretty grown up now so they mostly make excuses and get out of going to him when he summons them make their own arrangements with him.

Flowers OP. Good luck. Be brave.

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat · 28/09/2014 17:49

texting oh god yes I appreciate that, better the devil we know and all that!

Why don't you head over to relationships and start a thread about itthere? Am not at all saying "YOU MUST IMMEDIATELY SPLIT UP WITH THIS PERSON BECAUSE I HAVE SAID SO!" btw, you don't have to launch into anything you're not ready for (and after all, I'm just some random on the internet, innit!); it would just be a good place for you to explore what you're thinking and feeling about all this, as it does seem even to this random on the internet that perhaps things are coming to a head for you in this relationship? (And you can get some hand-holding and sage advice from the wise people of MN into the bargain).

Big un-Mumsnetty hug to you x

bringbacksideburns · 28/09/2014 17:50

Everyone i know who are single mothers are a damn sight more happy and confident than they were in their long term shitty relationships.

It's only terrifying because of the practicalities involved. You need to plan ahead. It is not normal to go through the silent treatment with a man who sulks like a child and if you keep doing threads about him like this you will go round in circles.

Take it one day at a time but you and your family will be happier. It's not like you are going to miss his scintillating, warm and chatty persona is it?

Bulbasaur · 28/09/2014 19:28

DH hams it up for his birthday just a bit and his coworkers buy him lunch and chocolates. :)

It's fine.

The problem is what's going on behind the scenes with you two. A gift to another person is relatively meaningless. I've given coworkers candies for birthdays, and they've done the same. But if you're not getting along I'd work on that instead of focusing on what he got for his birthday. There's no reason for him to be giving you the cold shoulder like that.

Original poster
textingdisaster · 28/09/2014 20:51

Thanks for your hugs and kind words. I suppose bottom line what scares me is how unreasonable or horrible h might become during the divorce process or as a co-parent. Also that mu eldest ds (almost 13) might decide not to live with me at all.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 28/09/2014 20:53

When you acknowledge that you are frightened of how abusive a partner will be should you choose to end your relationship, then it is clear it is over.

notagainffffffffs · 28/09/2014 21:27

Its not the chocolate that would bother me, its the not bringing it into the house iyswim. Why are you getting the cold shoulder? Am o right in assuming one of you or both of you have been unfaithful before? Just a vibe!

Original poster
textingdisaster · 28/09/2014 21:36

No. Well I haven't and as far as I know h hasn't. We had a bag argument not this weekend but the last one. H has since shut down completely. It's not the first time he has done this.

I feel completely lost. On the one hand I am living with someone who doesn't seem to love/respect me at all. On the other I really don't think I am strong enough to go through a divorce.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 28/09/2014 21:53

Well, it's up to you. No one can do it for you.

BookABooSue · 29/09/2014 11:39

texting when I first realised how soul-destroyingly miserable I was in my relationship, I went to a counsellor. She let me talk and talk. And then she asked where was I? Everything was about my partner - his attitudes, his moods, his wants, his needs, his perception of my lackings, etc, etc. That's why I was making the point that it's not about him because your wants and needs are absent from this thread, and I completely recognise that stage.

Of course leaving is scary and I understand that you don't feel strong enough but I think you also have to consider that very very few people are strong enough to live with someone who emotionally abuses them constantly without being broken by it in some way. Something has to give eventually whether it's your temper, your physical health or your mental wellbeing. This isn't sustainable.

If you can recognise that you can't go on like this then you can take baby steps towards the changes you want to make.

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